Simple Marriage | Premarital

Meeting a Mate’s Needs

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 3 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Is marriage partially about meeting each other’s primary needs?

What happens to a marriage when couples don’t listen to each other’s needs or attempt to fulfill them?

Can engaged couples benefit from assessing each other’s likely marital needs and whether they will be able to meet them?

Oh, this is a complex dance indeed!

It’s sometimes difficult to discern our own needs, let alone those of a spouse or partner. However, your secure foundation in marriage is linked to sorting out and communicating together what you need from each other. Mind reading does not work. Nor does assuming that you know what your partner needs, or taking action based on what you want for yourself. You both likely have different priorities.

If you have been taught the importance of selfless love and service, you may hesitate to speak up with your partner about a potential need. Moderation applies, for a marriage of partners means building love and caring between you mutually, and being of service to each other. Where there is a foundation of mutual service to each other, you are then positioned to generously serve others.

As human beings, we are also prone to selfish tendencies at times. We might demand or insist that a partner do something for us. If the act is done with resentment or resistance though, we are no further ahead. In a mature, happy marriage, both the husband and wife must be in a mutually fulfilling dance, motivated by love and wanting the best for each other.

Alternatively, perhaps you lack self-respect, and find it difficult to speak up about your needs. A supportive partner can gradually assist you to identify what is important, while you work to increase your respect for yourself as a noble, valuable person.

Every individual will have a different set of priorities, and these will also change over time and with new circumstances. Consider for yourself what might be most important to you now from this small selection of a long list of potential needs:

- Financial support
- Affection, connection, and love
- Spiritual companionship
- Recreational companionship
- Domestic support
- Family commitment
- Personal growth
- Humor, laughter, and lightness

As you identify your primary needs that only a marriage partner can meet well, you will have to work out together how to meet those needs as consistently as possible. If you regularly fail to meet each other’s most important needs, you are likely putting your marriage at risk. If you are not yet married and have concerns about whether you can meet each other’s high priority needs, hit the pause button and assess where you are going and why.

What helps you with understanding and meeting needs?

- Observation
- Self-knowledge
- Good communication
- Flexibility and patience
- Commitment
- Unity
- An attitude of joyful fun and service

Remember as you meet each other’s needs, that’s it’s helpful to share compliments and gratitude.

Appreciate your dance partner!

Note: For couples wanting to explore this topic more deeply and engage in transforming your marriage, pick up our new Marriage Sparks online couple mini-Ecourse on Expectations and Needs.

(photo source)

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Engagement Anxiety: The Last Taboo

Written by guest · 13 Comments

Post written by Sheryl Paul of Conscious Transitions.

We live in a culture of illusions.

From the time we’re old enough to absorb images, we’re fed the fantasy that love and marriage should occur effortlessly and easily, that when we meet “The One” we’ll just “know”, and that this One will be nothing short of a perfect prince or princess.

So what happens when your beloved finally proposes, and hours or days within saying “yes” you’re filled with dread, anxiety, and an unnamable grief and fear?

Surely this means you’ve made a terrible mistake, right?

Because if you really loved him (or her), you would feel unilaterally joyous … at least that’s what our culture tells you.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, there are plenty of people who feel happy throughout their engagement, but there at least as many – if not more – that struggle with the common emotions that arise during any transition: grief, uncertainty, doubt, fear of the unknown, a sense of being out of control, loneliness, and vulnerability.

The major difference between the transition of getting married and buying a house, for example, is that when you buy a house and express doubt about the purchase, no one says to you, “Oh, you must be making a mistake.”

We culturally understand that there’s a phenomenon called “buyer’s remorse” that often accompanies a significant purchase, which allows you to expect that doubt will arise.

The same cannot be said around engagement anxiety.

So why do we cut people slack around doubting their house purchase but not their decision to marry?

The answer lies in our cultural fantasy about love and marriage coupled with the rampant images of engaged bliss promoted by our wedding industry.

Beginning with Disney films, little girls are conditioned to believe that once she meets her prince, “she’ll just know.” As she enters her teen years, every pop song and romantic comedy reinforces the highly dysfunctional fantasy that one day she’ll meet “the One” or her “soulmate.”

And then the story goes something like this:

After dating a series of unavailable jerks, she meets a great guy. (By the way, this story just as easily applies to guys, but for the sake of this article I’m writing from the female perspective.) Perhaps she falls in love with him right away and perhaps she doesn’t; it might a slow-growing love that evolves over several months. He’s everything she’s ever wanted in a man: loving, kind, responsible, honest and they have shared values and a common vision for their life. They enjoy spending time together and their families are mutually supportive of their relationship. Early on, she can envision spending her life with him. She knows the relationship isn’t perfect but she’s happier than she’s ever been and can’t wait for him to propose.

And then he does.

She says yes.

And before she knows it, she’s spinning into a tizzy of anxiety.

It’s as if the proposal unleashed every fear she’s ever had about love and marriage: Will it last? Will we grow bored of each other? Will we emulate my parents’ wonderful marriage or end up just as dysfunctional as they are? And what about the sex? I’m not as hot for him as I was for that last guy (the one who never fully committed to me); does that mean I don’t really love him?

Oh my goodness … what if I don’t really love him? If I really loved him, I wouldn’t be having all of these doubts, right?

She’s not sure who to turn to with these concerns: her friends, her parents, her fiancee.

Our culture has come a long way in breaking taboos about discussing sex, money, religion, and postpartum depression. But when it comes to the wedding and the topic of love, we still have a long way to go. Even Oprah, who invited me to her show several times to discuss this very topic, said, “Doubt means don’t, right?”

No, Oprah, doubt does not mean don’t.

Doubt means that you’re a rational, introspective person weighing every aspect of your relationship before committing yourself to the rest of your life.

Doesn’t that actually sound like a smart thing to do?

If there wasn’t so much taboo around this topic, this healthy questioning wouldn’t mutate into anxiety and depression, but would exist as an expected, necessary step in the engagement process.

Anxiety surrounds every transition and change in life … but remember, doubt doesn’t necessarily mean don’t.

Doubt means doubt. Doubt means ask some more questions. Doubt means have some honest conversations. Doubt means grow. Doubt means faith. Doubt means … what do you think it means?

Sheryl Paul, M.A., is an international expert in transitions. Her bestselling books, “The Conscious Bride” and “The Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner,” are available on her website, Conscious Transitions, as well as two Home Study Programs: Conscious Weddings E-Course: From Anxiety to Serenity and Birthing a New Mother: A Roadmap to Calm Your Anxiety, Prevent Postpartum Depression, and Babyproof Your Marriage (available September 2011). She has appeared several times on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”, as well as on “Good Morning America” and other top television, radio, and newspapers around the globe.

(photo source)

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24 Keys to Remaining Friends With Your Spouse

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 18 Comments

Would you like to be friends?

Not necessarily with me … but with your spouse?

Popular culture would say we should start with strong lust, but if your goal is a marriage that will last, friendship has more staying power than desire and needs to be acted on first, middle, and last.

Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples and a contributor to All-in-One Marriage Prep, says, “Friendship is a form of intimacy. It represents a sharing, an openness, a willingness to be vulnerable. It requires a degree of trust. Friends show caring to one another by their availability, their thoughtfulness.”

All of that translates into ensuring you have many different experiences with your partner over time before your engagement and definitely before your wedding.

When we are friends with our partner, we watch out for what’s best for one another. We support through thick and thin. We enjoy each other’s company, help each other laugh, and work and play well with each other. We don’t squabble over the toys in the sandbox; we are adult partners together. Although a water balloon fight once in awhile might be a fun idea!

A key part of being friends is offering encouragement. We help each other excel. We anticipate potential pitfalls. We make connections. We nurture creativity. We listen to the tears and complaints…for awhile…but then nudge or boot each other along into the light.

Friends pray together and play together.

Who wouldn’t want this in a spouse?

Is it everything? Not hardly, but it’s a key piece.

Dr. Coleman says, “It is the brick in the foundation–a necessary part of a marital foundation, but incomplete without other factors that hold the brick in place.” Like faithfulness, love of children, and more.

When we are friends together, then we also recognize when we have mutual friends who are in support of our relationship or marriage. These friends help remind us of what we love in our mates, encourage our commitment, and support the strength of our bond. They validate that our relationship is healthy and viable…or that we need to get some help.

Not everyone is a fan of checklists, but sometimes it really is a good idea to take a gentle, loving inventory so we can set goals to improve.

Here’s mine so you can say whether your relationship is at low, medium, or high level on each factor:

Qualities of an Excellent Friendship

Good communication; ability to share honestly about positive and difficult matters
Acknowledgement and affirmation of positive qualities in each other
Enjoyment of quiet, peaceful time together
Play, fun, and laughter
Acceptance; allowing both partners to be themselves
Support and appropriate sympathy, empathy, and help during difficulties
Enthusiasm for individual and shared goals and achievements
Loving, spiritual connection (such as through prayer, meditation, activities)
Encouragement
Loyalty
Trust that shared information will kept confidential and not used hurtfully
Reliability; trustworthiness
Willingness to suspend judgment and avoid jumping to conclusions
Common experiences and bonding memories
Ability to work together on projects
Agreed-upon boundaries and expectations
Shared interests
Willingness to learn together and from one another
Ability to disagree peacefully and constructively
Shared values
Ability to reconnect easily after being apart
Motivational feedback or nudging that constructively influences the other to grow
Attitude of forgiveness, not holding grudges, and willing to grant another chance
Respectfulness and equality

If you measure up well on these factors before marriage, then check them out again each anniversary and keep going. As Dr. Coleman says, “When passion has its ups and downs, friendship is the stabilizing force. It says ‘I care…you are important to me…’.”

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Getting Married? Becoming Parents? Going Through Transitions

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 4 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Transition. What do you think of when you hear that word?

It means “change” of course. But it applies to the big shifts in your life, such as becoming engaged, married, or parents.

These major transitions usually trigger an array of feelings, such as joy, grief, and anxiety. But sometimes our friends, relatives, and the media tell us we should be feeling only the happiness. Then, unfortunately, relationship-undermining doubts can arise.

Sheryl Paul, one of my collaborators in creating All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now , and an expert in relationship transitions says, “The problem isn’t the feelings; it’s our interpretation of the feelings. For example, we know it’s normal to feel anxious about graduating from college or starting a new job, but culturally we don’t know that it’s normal to feel scared about getting married. We put so much pressure on engaged couples to feel joyous, that we don’t leave any room for the more difficult feelings to surface.”

One of the values in marriage preparation education lies in its ability to help couples talk about this significant transition and build their confidence with new knowledge and skills. Sheryl says the couple can “discuss the grief about letting go of being single, the fear of making a lifelong commitment, and the normal and healthy questions about love in a long-term relationship.” (Paul offers an excellent Conscious Weddings eCourse: “From Anxiety to Serenity”)

What about the transition into marriage?

If the couple hasn’t dealt with their anxiety, and they go into the marriage with it unexpressed or addressed, how can this affect the stability of the marriage?

Post-wedding depression can be common, says Paul, and sadly more affairs can result, partially because couples question whether they made a mistake.

Addressing the normalcy of the feelings related to such a big transition before marrying is good divorce prevention. Paul says, “It’s quite tragic that people end perfectly good marriages simply because they don’t understand that it’s normal to feel anxious, scared, confused, and sad around the transition.”

For couples who deal with the emotions and go confidently into marriage, and who are successful in establishing their marriage on a firm foundation, becoming parents can be the next major transition. Couples who are discussing whether to have a child can often experience concerns about the permanence of such a step, and it can cause questioning about the quality of their marriage. Conversations with other couples who went through this transition, or with a coach or counselor, can be beneficial. Parenting training courses can also help build knowledge, skills, and confidence.

Once parenthood occurs, then marriage strengthening steps such as regular dates, an occasional workshop, and time with other married parents can provide support in reducing anxiety.

Marriage is a constantly shifting experience, and couples benefit from time alone together and help from others. A strong marriage is a primary gift couples give their children.

When we experience any major change, especially transitioning to marriage or parenthood, we can feel as if our life is somewhat out of our control. Discerning the emotions that are happening, sharing them with appropriate people, and understanding and accepting them, all allow us to move forward with confidence.

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5 Reasons for Creating Your Own Wedding Vows

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 6 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Your wedding vows reflect the essence of your relationship and direct what happens after the wedding.

They state what actions you commit to doing to create your marriage. Even if your ceremony has pre-set vows, you can share your own personal vows as part of the reception, perhaps before the toasts.

And after marriage?

Anniversaries are great for reviewing the promises you made in your vows and setting goals for anything that’s off-course. And, if you didn’t write down before marriage what you want to have together, it can still be helpful to do it now.

Writing your own vows:

1. Provides Couple Reflection Time: Your vows will reflect what’s important to both of you if you talk about them as you write them. This is true whether they are individual vows or a mutual one you both craft together. Couples sometimes get stuck on the romance of hearing individual vows for the first time at the wedding. But then do they truly reflect your united hearts and minds?

2. Highlights Potential Challenges: Sometimes you don’t realize that the two of you are on different pages until you write your vows. It’s wise to pay careful attention to where you have differing visions of your marriage. Do you change course? Do you get some counseling from a family member or professional? It’s vital to address any differences and not just push through to the wedding hoping for the best. It’s unwise to leave creating your vows until the last minute!

3. Creates a Commitment: Thinking through what’s vital in your relationship and what you want your marriage to look like in action gives voice to what you truly commit to create. You can include how you will speak to and act with one another and what activities you will do together as marriage partners. You can envision your marriage and family and what it will take to fulfill it.

4. Connects You to Family and Community: When you make your vows public in front of people who care about you, they can help you with fulfilling them. They can also hold you accountable at times through reminding you what you promised and holding you to it.

5. Reflects Your Personal Beliefs: You can align your vows with what is most important to the two of you. For example, as couples increasingly embrace equal partnership in their relationships, the word “obey” often does not work. The new model for marriages is respectful and joint consultation and decision-making. A wife might occasionally defer to a husband and a husband to a wife, but practicing equality means neither has the right to dictate to the other and expect obedience. Your vows could reflect a perspective like this.

Some couples may simply create a vision statement for their marriage and share it at the ceremony. Here is one given as an example by John Curtis, Ph.D., in All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now:

“Our vision for our relationship is one where we will have complete trust and honesty, free of fears or anxieties, and full of acceptance and support. We each will be devoted to helping one another reach our full potential through the ever-increasing exploration of who we are as partners and parents and by expressing our individuality. We will be close to God, Who will bless us with lives full of deep meaning. We will continue to explore our world and include our family members whenever possible. We will be free of material burdens while living a rich and full life.”

Other vows will be more complex. Here is a portion of the detailed one used by Terri Muuss (a life coach), and Matthew Pasca (a teacher) of Long Island, New York, when they married:

• Treat each other with love, honor, respect, courtesy, and integrity.
• Be examples of service to ourselves, each other, our families, friends, and communities.
• Deal with issues that arise as soon as possible.
• Be playful, have fun, and incorporate humor into daily life.
• Act with integrity in all things, particularly in our finances, our work, and our service commitments.
• Enrich our lives with the arts.

Terri says, “Designing concrete, specific vows as opposed to more general ones has made it so much easier to remind ourselves of the importance of tending to our partnership on a daily basis. Being of service, laughing, and dealing with issues immediately have just become part of the routine of our lives, as opposed to a grandiose claim made once many years ago at our wedding.” [An expanded list of possible vow items is in All-in-One Marriage Prep.]

Whatever way you choose to do your vows, the key is to do them together and weeks in advance of the wedding. And then have a great time making your promises come true in your marriage!

(photo source)

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Are You Ready for Marriage? Simple Tool #1: Humor

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 9 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Your ability to laugh together is one of the vital facets of your relationship that will be important throughout marriage.

Does this mean you both have to laugh all the time with each other?

No way. You could both be serious and rarely laugh together and still be compatible!

It’s very common for people to list “sense of humor” as something that they are looking for in a relationship. Relationship expert Amy Spencer says, “Do you think you want someone with a good sense of humor? You don’t. What you want is a relationship in which the two of you crack each other up”.

So, it’s more about the quality of the interaction between the two of you than looking for that particular quality in someone.

Take this quick quiz and see how your relationship scores:

Do we find similar things funny? Think about cartoons, movies, TV shows, books, accidental happenings, human quirks…
Do we understand and appreciate each other’s jokes or humorous stories?
Does one of us laugh more easily than the other? How does that work or not work in our relationship?
When we do activities together, do we generally feel a sense of enjoyment in the experience and in sharing it?
When difficult circumstances arise, are we both able to see the humor in the situation, or help each other see it?

Some people naturally generate positive, humorous feelings and an outlook that has them always looking for what makes them laugh. Other people tend to be more serious until they have a partner who helps them to lighten up.

What works best for you in a partner?

No matter how compatible partners are, there will be times when one of you just doesn’t get the joke.

One of you is cracking up and one of you is lost. You will just end up shaking your heads and agreeing you are on a different page.

If this is happening a lot, then step back, and assess: Is this relationship one that will work long-term?

Marriage, like the rest of life, is full of both joys and challenges.

Sharing humor and laughter can be the grace that saves you when the baby spits up for the umpteenth time, the car tire goes flat for the third week in a row, your mother-in-law descends for an unexpected visit, or there is a difficult medical diagnosis to deal with.

Couples who can find humor in even the most dire circumstances have a unique strength. You aren’t laughing at each other, you’re laughing with one another. And couples who can laugh together are more likely to stay together.

(photo source)

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Marriage Made Easy Before it Begins

Written by Corey · 5 Comments

There they are, they just walked into the room and your heart skipped a beat. Everything around you faded into the background and the only thing that existed was them. You muster up the courage to introduce yourself and the fairy tale relationship is born. All that’s left is moonlit walks on the beach, rose petals sprinkled around the bedroom and making passionate love each morning as the gentle breeze blows through the windows and the birds sing pleasantly outside.

This is exactly how your marriage has unfolded isn’t it?

What? It’s not?

There are countless resources throughout the Internet on dating, attraction, and relationships. In fact, Yahoo usually has one article a week on “How to know if they’ll cheat, spend all your money, be a loser and wreck your life all in the same week.”

It can appear that lasting relationships are difficult to find and make happen.

This is likely because marriage is difficult!

In fact, marriage may be the most difficult thing in your life. But it also may be the best thing in your life – it’s likely both.

I’ll let you in on a secret – I believe it’s designed that way!

Allow me to explain. I believe marriage (or committed relationship, but for this post I’ll use the term marriage) is designed to grow us up into better humans. Marriage is not about being happy, it’s about growing.

With this in mind, here’s a few simple points to consider that will make your marriage better before it starts, or improve if it’s already begun.

Chemistry - There must be some sort of connection between the two people. Similar interests, goals, dreams, etc. While this is not a necessity, it does provide a foundation for many things in marriage, such as travel, vacations, hobbies and outside commitments both separately and together. Take heart and know that if you didn’t have chemistry, the relationship will be short lived – so those of you who think you now have nothing in common with your spouse after many years of marriage, look again because it’s probably there.
Comedy – Humor is an outstanding reparative aspect for marriage, as well as a great connector. Having the ability to laugh with your partner, whether this laughter is at something external or about yourself and your relationship, laughter really is good medicine.
Communication – Here’s another little secret for marriage, communication occurs all the time. In fact, you can not not communicate (I realize English majors may cringe at the double negative, but the point is important). Everything you say and don’t say communicates something. Everything you do or don’t do says something as well. Communication problems in marriage don’t occur because you can’t communicate, they happen because you don’t like the message! In order to master this area of marriage shift your focus to learning how to handle the message. Shameless plug warning: For help in handling the message check out Simple Marriage where you’ll find many posts on the subject.
Commitment – A key ingredient to any marriage is commitment. Without it, it falls apart. Incidentally, want to know the secret to a lasting marriage? Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it. Make the choice to stick out through the rough spots. I once heard a guy say “My marriage isn’t worth fighting for.” The response I heard from his friend in return “That’s because you haven’t fought for it. Something’s only worth fighting for after you’ve fought for it.” Truer words are rarely spoken.
Cycles of relationships – There are natural rhythms in every relationship. The simple fact is we as people ebb and flow – and we seldom do this in synchrony with those close to us, yet we seem to believe we should. Did you realize that the most synchronous human relationship, between mother and infant, is only in synchrony 1/3 of the time? Cut both of you some slack when things just seem “off” between you. Take the time to work on your contribution to the relationship rather than worrying about your partner’s contribution.
Celestial connections – For myself this point speaks about God, but it applies to other spiritual aspects as well. I think most people believe there is a spiritual nature around us – an interconnectedness. Ignoring this idea in relationships can lead to missing out on a lot more in marriage. This connection often leads to serving one another and generally being kind to those around you.

When you increase your awareness of the “C’s” in marriage, you increase the potential of the relationship – both for you and your spouse.