In the 1950s, social psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm wrote a groundbreaking book, The Art of Loving: An Enquiry into the Nature of Love.

This book presents a refreshingly non-Disney theory about this thing we call love.

Unlike most self-help books, The Art of Loving does not presume to have any straightforward answers about your own relationships. Instead, it discusses love philosophically such that you can take from the book what you find most helpful.

Here are a few ideas from this work that changed the way I relate to other people, in particular my family and spouse.

1. Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality.

There’s a difference between superficial love and mature love. Mature love does not lose itself in another person, but rather fuses with another person while still maintaining a sense of individuality. When a couple is so engrossed in each other that they do not strive to improve themselves, but are only obsessed with serving or dominating their partner, this is dependence, and not love.

In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one yet remain two.

2. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

One of the most important points that Fromm makes about love is that true, mature love is one in which the loved person is not possessed. If you truly love your partner (or child or friend), then you sincerely wish for them what they want for themselves - whether it’s a better job, an advanced degree, or a desire to pursue a new hobby. A good relationship is therefore one in which each partner takes an active interest in learning about each other as individuals and talking to them about their future goals and desires.

3. If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can only love others, he cannot love at all.

When we talk about love, we often talk about giving up and sacrificing. However, Fromm notes that true, mature love can only come from a loving orientation that does not distinguish between self and others. That is to say, you must work on a healthy, loving relationship to self before you can find within yourself the power to love others.

4. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

Perhaps the most important lesson about love from Fromm’s book is that true, mature love is, the type of love that lasts. This is not the popularly conceived “falling in love” but rather it’s a “standing in love.” If we conceive of love as not a feeling but rather an action, then we can actually focus on improving the way we love others – and the way we love ourselves.

Mariana Ashley is a freelance writer who particularly enjoys writing about online colleges.

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

Last week’s post, You’re already in the right relationship, generated some great comments and emails.

Apparently the ideas presented resonated with many of you.

I received several requests for a follow up that contains some concrete next steps or tips for taking the growing up process in marriage to the next level.

Unfortunately, there are no concrete steps that work for everyone, because as you know, marriage is not a one size fits all thing.

However, there are some principles and some dynamics already at play in every marriage that can be harnessed in order to help you create a marriage fully alive.

The best place to start is in the Simple Marriage Manifesto I wrote 2 years ago.

—->Click here to open or download the manifesto in PDF format.

Those of you looking for the next step … start here then let me know what you think and we’ll discuss more in the comments.

Have a great week.

What does healthy growing up look like in marriage?

There are two challenges or dilemmas that have major roles in relationships.

The emotional reactivity/rationality challenge and the togetherness/separateness dilemma.

These two forces intermix in various and subtle ways to shape your relationship.

The togetherness/separateness force is a natural force much like the need plants have for sunshine or water. Every plant requires a certain level of sunlight for healthy development — too much sunshine will kill the plant and too little sunshine will lead to the plant’s death.

Marriages are the same in terms of togetherness and separateness. Too much togetherness or too little togetherness, depending on each individual’s need, will influence the health of the relationship.

When people need more togetherness than their spouse provides, they are more likely to be emotionally reactive and become less rational. When people need more separateness than their spouse provides, they will invent ingenious ways to achieve separateness.

Problems often arise when one wants (needs) togetherness at a time in which their spouse wants (needs) separateness.

Humans are condemned to be separate yet paradoxically to seek togetherness.

Many people enter marriage or committed relationships with the fantasy that they will nearly always get their togetherness and separateness needs fulfilled whenever they desire. Over time as they become more emotionally fused they are hurt whenever their spouse does not give them what they want.

Some gradually conclude that they will never get their needs fulfilled and thus begin to drift apart.

Those that do this miss the divineness of marriage as a place to grow more basic self.

They miss the many opportunities to manage their anxiety whenever their needs are not satisfied.

Know this: No spouse can provide just the right amount of togetherness or separateness.

Therefore, you must learn to self-soothe, to calm yourself, to manage your anxiety, and to self-validate. Then you become a better mate and in the process get a better marriage.

The sacredness of marriage is a great place to develop more basic self and to work on your own level of growing up.

In a nutshell: growing up is the ability to tolerate anxiety!

And no place tests your metal for tolerating anxiety like a committed relationship.

You know you have the spouse you need when you become anxious due to a simple look or comment like, “Why did you turn here?”

Much of the togetherness/separateness dilemma is influenced by one’s ability to self-validate, self-soothe, to be intimate with self, and to calm self.

People needing more togetherness than their spouse can provide set themselves up for being held hostage by their spouse.

Grown up people can tap into their own personal source for self-validation and self-intimacy rather than being dependent upon their spouse for validation and intimacy.

Most of us have been reared on a diet of other-validation and are very poor at self-validation.

Grown up people are more in charge of their own life needs and become less dependent upon others. At the same time, they can actually be more available to others because they operate out of more wholeness, rather than out of a state of deprivation.

In short, grown up people have more to give!

Deprivation creates a state that looks a great deal like slavery and takes away choices. Poorly-developed (fusion oriented) people need togetherness, rather than simply wanting to connect. Poorly-developed (individuation oriented) people also need separateness and cannot be close and intimate without needing to distance.

Too much togetherness or too much separateness creates anxiety.

And anxious people are not comfortable to be around.

The well-developed (i.e. grown up) person can be close to others while being a separate individual, all without becoming emotionally reactive. The well-developed individual can choose what emotions he/she wants to experience. Well-developed people are in charge of their emotions rather than their emotions being in charge of them. Well-developed individuals can be intimate and passionate without losing self.

Think of it this way: Those that cannot control themselves will seek to control everything around them.

If people get to where they can stand their ground with their spouse (or family of origin) and take the best shots their spouse (or family of origin) can deliver while calming and soothing themselves, they will find that the rest of the world shoots blanks.

The key is being able to self-validate and self-soothe when you feel that emotional reactivity about to rise.

You’ll feel a sense of being in charge of self and open an array of choices in responding when you’re calm and rational.

Growing up is the ability to tolerate pain for growth.

Growing up is the ability to fill your emptiness.

Well-developed people still have some degree of emptiness as emptiness is a part of the naturalness of life as a human.

Too much emptiness is the problem.

And emptiness is a result of too little spirituality.

Empty people tend to place undue and unrealistic expectations on others.

The safeguards against too much emptiness are basic self and spirituality.

To sum all this up: No one ever gets a better spouse than they are willing to lose.

If you are fearful of losing the relationship, you will stop the growth processes for both of you.

Thus the challenge is to work on growing yourself up – which frees your spouse to begin growing himself/herself up as well.

Divorce rarely leads to getting a better spouse, because a divorced person usually seeks out another partner that is at their former partner’s level of development.

People at like levels of growth attract each other.

You only get a better partner by improving your level of growth.

And the best place you can work on growing up is in your current relationship!

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One of the most damaging lines to marriage is found in the movie Jerry McGuire.

And it’s not Show me the money.

Here’s my response to the idea of you complete me.

If you try to create intimacy with someone else before you go through the task of becoming whole yourself then all your relationships will be an attempt to complete yourself.

Relationships are hard work.

I’ve even written these very words many times.

You’ve probably even heard this phrase before.

It is often stated as a Truism in our society, and while I understand the sentiment … I’ve reached a point where I don’t buy it.

I do believe that relationships involve work, but hard work? I’m not so sure.

I understand that intimacy in marriage challenges us in unique and specific ways, this is what makes marriage the people-growing machine it is.

But when I hear talk about the “hard work” required for a long-term relationship, I wonder if what they’re actually referring to is the difficulty of living with someone who’s immature or doesn’t live with integrity and authenticity.

Why would it be hard work to live with a mature, authentic grown up?

Wouldn’t you think people would treat the ones they love better over time, not worse?

Isn’t it logical to believe we’d be nicer to loved ones than we are to strangers?

Isn’t the idea of marriage to lighten our load, not add to our burden? And if it were the latter, why in the world would anyone sign up for something like this?

I fully get that we as humans all have flaws, and that our flaws and imperfections play out most in marriage.

Marriage is the playing field of the  “worst in us.”

The things like unrealistic expectations, avoidance, manipulation, pleasing, fear of intimacy, projection, and emotional reactivity.

But it is also these “worst in us” things that help create the people-growing machine of marriage.

At the same time however, I’ve seen some of the damage that can occur when people tolerate immature, angry, emotionally reactive, or unfaithful behaviors.

So how about this?

If your spouse is treating you badly, you play a role in it if it continually happens.

If you’ve been tolerating unavailability, or inconsiderate, hurtful, or even abusive behavior from your spouse, you’re partly to blame.

You’re either not leading, not setting boundaries, or you haven’t been willing to get to rejection. These are three essentials for a respectful, reciprocal, nurturing, and grown up relationship.

If you accept bad behavior from your spouse (and friends and family), you are likely to get bad behavior from them.

If you want a great relationship, you must stop “tolerating” anything less than loving, respectful behavior. Raise the bar, act accordingly yourself (i.e. be what you want to attract), and invite your spouse to follow you there.

If you want your marriage to keep getting better over time and lighten your load rather than add to your burden, you must take responsibility for both how you behave and for what behaviors you accept from your spouse.

At the end of the day, live according to this statement: You teach people how to treat you.

This idea is explored more fully in the Blow Up My Marriage class.

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