There are also times when things can get stale or routine.

That’s when you need to up the “sexy” factor between you.

I’m not saying you need to have more sex (like that’s a bad thing), I’m saying you need to add a touch of spice and energy between you.

How?

Glad you asked.

This is exactly what we’re discussing in Episode 20 of Sexy Marriage Radio.

—-> Sexy Marriage Moves

Enjoy.

Let us know how it goes.

(photo source)

Sexy Marriage Moves is a post from: Simple Marriage
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There’s a popular belief that once a person gets married, everything will be smooth sailing.

Romance will naturally occur, your spouse will be your best friend, and there will be plenty of “Hallmark” moments between you.

If you’ve been married any length of time you know this simply isn’t true.

One of the main problems many couples face in marriage is they create a marriage that’s too close. They strive to capture the illusion of what they thought it would be like in the beginning by getting closer to each other.

This creates a fused relationship.

In a fused relationship system, your options for getting your needs met are limited to the people within the system, or to the ways people in the system approve of (read that sentence again).

When couples co-create a co-dependent relationship in which they strive to complete each other, they kill any chance of having any kind of evolving, passionate, fulfilling relationship.

The more couples become fused, the more they resent each other, try to change each other, push each other away, lose interest in each other, lose sexual passion, blame each other, and fantasize about escaping.

I believe that a majority of problems people experience in their marriage are the result of fusion.

In a fused system there is no “I”, only “we”.

There is an expectation that everyone should think alike, behave the same, have the same opinions, and want the same things. It is assumed that each member of the system will be there to meet the needs of every other member.

When this happens, the neediest and/or most anxious members of the system usually dictate how much pressure there is to conform and sacrifice self in a “Borg-like” manner.

Shortly after I begin working with a couple I ask them, “Do you believe that the source of the problems you’re experiencing currently are the result of you both being too far apart (living separate lives or drifting apart) or too close together (fused)?”

Without fail, the couple will reply – too far apart.

I then propose that it’s the opposite. That actually they’re too close together and that is what is creating all the problems.

If the couple will accept this view and begin to explore it more in detail as it plays out their marriage, they will begin to see dramatic improvement in their lives.

Fused systems fear change of any kind.

They also exist in a state of constant anxiety.

These rigid systems don’t like individuality, space, passion, integrity, or members having close friends outside of the system. They are characterized by guilt, covert contracts, emotional eruptions, passive-aggressiveness, isolation, secrets, hidden behaviors, and rebellion.

Also, unrealistic expectations are rampant in fused systems. Like these:

• Because you are my son, you should always be there to listen to my problems whenever I am sad or lonely.
• Because you are my boyfriend, you should always answer the phone when I call you.
• Because you are my girlfriend, you should never talk to other men.
• Because you are my husband, you should want to be around me as much as I want to be around you.
• Because you are my wife, you should want to have sex as often as I want to have it with you.
• Because a clean house is important to me, it should be just as important to you.
• Because I sacrifice so much for you, you should always appreciate me and never get mad at me.
• Because I work so hard to provide for our family you shouldn’t count on me to help out around the house.

Members of the system have to “push-back” to have space and hold on to themselves in any significant way. This often leads to acting out and self-destructive behavior (the reason most couples seek out therapy).

For example, one spouse in a fused system might want the other to lose weight. Even if it would be in the best interest for that person to drop a few pounds, they will have to push back (this is called “disengagement”). This is an unconscious attempt to avoid losing self to their partner’s control (they have probably been doing this since childhood), and to prevent their partner from “winning”.

Scoreboarding is actually rampant in marriages.

It’s the idea that since I did something for you and our marriage, you should return the favor to me. It’s the classic exchange based principles.

The simple truth – marriage (and life) is not fair. If you go into a relationship expecting your generosity, gifts, strengths, love, passion, etc. to be reciprocated in kind, you’re going to wind up severely disappointed or angry.

Plus, if you enter into a discussion or issue with the idea that you should win, then what does that make your spouse? A loser. And who wants to be married to a loser?

A mature adult is someone who takes responsibility for getting their needs met.

Let’s build upon this idea. Mature, growing people co-create a number of cooperative systems to help them do this. An intimate relationship is just one of these cooperative systems.

Great marriages are the result of two mature, grown up people – both of whom have full, satisfying lives – cooperating with each other to get their needs met. In this kind of differentiated relationship, each partner compliments the other, but doesn’t complete them.

It is this kind of commitment to living a full life that helps maintain the growth in a relationship that is so important for attraction, passion, energy and great sex.

For more on this idea, consider joining Blow Up My Marriage. Enrollment begins this week.

(photo source)

Is Your Marriage Too Close? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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January 14th is my 40th wedding anniversary.

I was 17 and pregnant when I got married. I was mom to four little girls by age 22 (my third pregnancy was twins).

The odds were stacked against us.

The first 10 years were filled with drama and insanity. We talked about going our separate ways. Deep down we knew we never would.

We knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested we seek professional help.

We overcame the fear of change, the fear of getting real, with ourselves and with each other, and the fear of getting professional help.

In 1982, every Wednesday night for six months, we hired a babysitter, drove 45 minutes to town, and paid $50 an hour out of pocket to see a therapist.

We were ready for change, we let go of blame, excuses and took responsibility. We were willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our therapist would give us homework. We never missed a lesson.

The secret to a loving relationship is to do the work it takes to grow lovingly and peacefully into the future.

We learned to take down emotional barriers, open up and reveal our true selves, and do away with long silences. We learned to choose to be happy over needing to be right. We learned how to be good friends.

Most importantly we learned to forgive.

Today we know how to work together and be together. We know how to give each other space and trust each other. We know how to have fun, play, and be adventurous together.

We also argue, blame, get mad, forgive and begin again.

When it’s difficult, we take it slow. We take a time-out, walk away, get centered, and look within for the answers. When it’s difficult, we lean on each other.

You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be again. Every moment is a clean slate.

When it’s easy we celebrate. Over time, you learn how to do “easy.” The other is too exhausting.

Once you commit to the end, there’s a certainty, a knowingness that brings inner peace and peace to the relationship.

The following tips when practiced will help you have a long and healthy relationship.

Kindness creates a mood of love.
Make a decision to be kind. Set a loving intention each morning. Use your manners. Look at each other with loving eyes. Love is a choice. The more love you choose, the more joy you feel.

Let go of fear.
?Love is letting go of fear. Learn to trust each other and count on each other. Know when to speak up and when to calm down. Open your hearts and offer each other a sense of safety. That’s how trust grows.

Your partner isn’t the source of your pain.
?You are 100% responsible for your relationship. If your partner is abusive, you’re responsible for “being” there. Get help and do what you have to do. Give up blame and learn to be accountable.

Focus on changing your own annoying habits.
It bothers me when my husband eats too fast. I only need to focus myself. Drop your attack thoughts. Add the words, “Just like me,” to anything you want to accuse your mate of doing. For example, “You eat too fast” changes to, “You eat too fast, just like me.”

Make forgiveness a way of life.
Think of yourself as a forgiving person. Grow into it. You can’t experience love when your heart and mind are full of hate. Let go of hurt and resentment.

Give up the pain of the past. It’s impossible to have a loving relationship without forgiveness. Impossible! Turn your burdens into blessings.

Create a spirit of unity.
Learn to ask for and receive love. Give more than you receive. The more love you share, the more love you have. Point all of your actions to love. Believe the best is yet to come.

Create room for intimacy and sex.
Turn off your electronics and spend quality time alone. Intimacy can be described as, “the ability to open up and reveal your true self or in-to-me-see.”

When you create intimacy in your relationship, sex is filled with meaning and love.

Seek help.
If these steps seem to difficult, reach out and get help. Don’t use money ask an excuse. If you have to scrub toilets or collect garbage for extra cash, do it. Your marriage is sacred. Learn to value it above all else, never let it fall apart or die.

Tess Marshall is the founder of The Bold Life and author of the new ecourse (just launched this week), Take Your Fear and Shove It.

(photo source)

How to commit to the end is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Here we go again!

Every time we need to discuss something, we have trouble doing it without fighting.

Help!

Having effective discussions and reaching peaceful agreements that work are often challenges for married couples.

Increasing skillfulness in this area will help your marriage mature in a healthy way and stay strong and happy.

For a couple to reach decisions without conflict, new skills are needed.

Here are 10 key guidelines for couple decision-making that will help you gradually improve:

1. Remind yourselves of the importance of love, harmony, and unity between you. Take a pause break as needed throughout the discussion if this becomes at risk.
2. Pray together before starting a serious discussion.
3. Focus on a common goal. Agree on what the problem or issue is, so you are not trying to solve multiple problems at once or work at cross-purposes by trying to address different issues.
4. Avoid being attached to a particular outcome. Determine to discover the truth together. Avoid stating something as absolute fact. Contribute thoughts towards building consensus and watch for when your perspectives coincide.
5. Once you have expressed your thoughts and feelings, visualize them going into a central discussion “pot”. This allows the discussion to flow freely without either of you holding on to what you said.
6. Encourage and freely share thoughts, feelings, and opinions with love, respect, and kindness. Strictly avoid criticism or domination of each other. Strive to be open to all expressions without taking offense.
7. Carefully monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your spouse will hear them, even when your words are positive.
8. Listen to each other carefully and without interruption and request clarification as needed.
9. Strive for unified decisions, even when it takes longer. At times, consider deferring to the other’s solution, but still look at and carry out the decision as a unified couple one. However, avoid deferring regularly rather than taking the time to thoroughly discuss an issue. Thorough discussions usually result in better and more creative solutions.
10. Review significant decisions after some time trying them out to assess whether they are working or whether you need to change direction. Stay aware for when you need to involve someone else in a discussion or decision for maximum effectiveness as well.

Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions, sometimes known as “couple consultation”. It is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Either withholding your input or dominating the conversation will both negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.

It is vital to ensure the purity of your motives and intentions in any discussion. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken intention or goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the couple consultation is on a weak foundation from the very start. Be very aware if you have developed the habit of manipulation, particularly toward those of the opposite gender. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to help one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.

Author John Kolstoe shares this wisdom about consulting together:

Since its purpose is to find a solution, consultation should not be used just to gain sympathy or to dump on someone. It’s not consultation when talking degenerates into a gripe session or gossip or complaining. These activities merely rehash the problem, making it worse. Rather than letting the anger out, this sort of dwelling on the unpleasant things of life causes delay, magnifies the hurt, and interferes with long-term healing. … In consultation, the intensity of suffering is diluted while the solution is developing. (Developing Genius, p. 201)

While it is normal and healthy for people to have different perspectives, and couples need to learn how to reconcile them, serious and regular conflict is an indicator of a marriage in trouble. John M. Gottman, PhD, and his team at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington, have discovered a number of couple communication behaviors that warn of a conflicted couple (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work).

The warning signs are:

1. Starting interactions negatively and harshly
2. Criticizing your partner’s character (character attack)
3. Showing contempt for your partner (sneering, mocking, being superior)
4. Reacting defensively to your partner (a form of blame)
5. Shutting your partner out and avoiding communication (stonewalling)
6. Experiencing a flood of strong physical responses to your partner’s negativity, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, or sweating

If you are experiencing serious conflict in your marriage, and find that you are unable to build new skills on your own, please consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

Most couples, however, can decide to try new ways of interacting and make positive changes to reduce or eliminate fighting or serious disagreements. Think about how you feel when disunity arises between you, and make a determined effort to find new ways of reaching harmonious decisions.

 (photo source)

10 Guidelines for Couple Decisions is a post from: Simple Marriage
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This year, same as the past several years, I’m on a mission to write and live a better story.

How is living a better story accomplished?

There are several parts to a great story (taken from Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years).

1. The characters.
2. They have to want something.
3. They have to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
4. And there has to be a climactic resolution.

So how exactly does this apply to you?

Every story has a main character.

That’s you … check.

The character has to want something.

Again, this is up to you. What do you want in life? This year? Today?

I’ll share a few things on my list. I also want Simple Marriage to be one of the best resources on the web for marriage and relationships. My wife and I both want to volunteer more in our community. We want to share life more with friends.

On a relational level, my wife and I want to continue to connect even more. To have more adventures, deeper conversations, better sex (yes, she’s on board with this, it’s not just my wish), and overall more fun together. To make this happen, we have to do more of the following.

The character has to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.

In the movies, this is called the inciting incident. It’s what sets the stage for the climactic ending where the main character saves the child, or defeats the bad guy, or goes the full fight with the much younger boxer.

On a marital level, we are presented countless opportunities to move into the conflict, but often this option is counter intuitive. Whenever you and your spouse disagree or see things differently, this is a great time to move into the conflict.

Bear in mind however, moving into the conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you must win.

If you enter into relational conflict with the plans on winning, you often wind up losing in the end. After all, if you must always be the winner, what’s that make your spouse?

I used to think that conflict was something to be avoided. That I could somehow navigate life and relationships without it. I’d take the easy way out of things. Even going so far as not speaking up if I was given the wrong meal at a restaurant.

During the first several years of marriage, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict. I lived by the old adage - “happy wife, happy life” or “happy spouse, happy house.”

It didn’t take long to realize that when I lived according to other people’s happiness and when I habitually tried to avoid conflict, I harmed myself in the long run.

Conflict produces change.

Truth is, none of us really want to change. That’s why so many new years resolutions fail.

So what does it look like to move into conflict?

For you it may mean you finally voice your opinion on something. Or you speak up during sex because you’re getting nothing out of it at the moment. Or you start your own business on the side. Or you tell important people in your life “no” for the first time.

For me it meant speaking up and risk upsetting or disappointing my wife. It meant quitting a career to finish graduate school faster.

Basically, moving into conflict often is more about following your gut. In the midst of conflict, you generally have a gut feeling about the best way to handle the situation. Many times however, this is ignored and you simply react.

Slow down, breathe, listen to you gut.

There has to be a climactic resolution.

This is not simply when you die, although that definitely is a resolution. This is when you achieve your goal. When you connect deeper with your spouse. When you stand on top of the mountain.

Whatever it is, begin with the end in mind.

Imagine what it would be like to stand on top of the mountain. Or to truly have a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. Or a deeper connection.

This will help you envision the steps that may be necessary to get there.

Then move into the story and don’t look back.

What do you think?

(photo source)

How to live a great story is a post from: Simple Marriage
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While marriage is best when it involves two grown ups, relationships often have slightly different rules and truths.

So what are the Secrets of Marriage?

Here’s what I’ve come up … add your thoughts in the comments.

• It helps tremendously if you can laugh at yourself.
• Women really do enjoy flowers and chocolates.
• The quality of sex ebbs and flows.
• Laughter really does cure a lot.
• The same result does occur if you keep doing the same thing.
• Worries can be self-fulfilling prophesies. Let them go.
• Conflict will happen.
• Expectations are planned disappointments.
• Little things are the things you love the most.
• Learning more about anatomy really improves sex.
• It’s easy to be infected by your spouse’s mood, but you can only change yours.
• By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
• Most decisions don’t require extensive research.
• The days are long, but the years are short.
• Happiness doesn’t always make you feel happy.
• What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
• You don’t have to be good at everything.
• What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.
• It’s okay to ask for help.

Your turn.

Secrets of Marriage is a post from: Simple Marriage
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There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.

Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.

The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.

Wrong.

Life is not lived backwards.

Our past is important.

Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.

While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.

The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.

When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).

As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.

You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).

What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.

Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.

On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.

This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.

What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.

Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:

1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that  Oxytocin a boost.

2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.

3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.

Got any more to add? Share them in the comments.

(photo source)

Don’t bother rekindling your marriage … create something new is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Acronyms are great reminders to do something we otherwise might forget.

Businesses and government agencies often use acronyms to ensure consumers will remember them. IBM. AOL. AT&T. NASA. IHOP.

I don’t know what A&W stands for, but I do know they make wonderful cream soda.

In marriage, there is an acronym I’ve found to be the most effective in helping a couple grow in love, become more patient with each other and remove common frustrations within most relationships.

A.E.O.D: Accept Each Other’s Differences

You may not know me, but I’m a bit of a klutz.

I stumble over my own feet, run into walls, and step on my husband’s toes often. For the first few years of our marriage, it got so bad that he’d brace himself whenever I came near. I also pace in front of the television and yell at the players on my favorite team. I’m not a fan of the word no or the phrase “you’re wrong” and can list many instances in which I did not respond well to either.

What I just described about myself is the polar opposite of my husband.

He’s calm, collected, rational, reasonable, well-spoken, and never, ever says anything without thinking about it first. He’s a diplomat who weighs all sides of an issue prior to addressing it. He has great poise (doesn’t ever run into walls) and enjoys sports but is never fully invested in the outcome of the game. He loves feedback and can accept positive or negative types. And he doesn’t mind being proven wrong.

However, he can sit in front of a television for hours watching back-to-back episodes of Mecum Auto Auction or Landscapers’ Challenge.

“Really?” I’ve asked. “Are you kidding me? Didn’t you just see a garden that looked just like that in the last episode?”

He unwinds by doing random internet searches on topics like, “What happened to Ralph Macchio?” or “Where’s Tutti from Facts of Life?” He’d also rather spend Sunday morning waxing his car or pulling weeds than relaxing on the couch.

When my husband and I first married, we couldn’t have been more different. But through the years we have morphed into one another’s likeness.

The transformation is amazing to watch.

We still have a lot of differences, but we have found ourselves sharing more similarities with each passing day.

And because we’ve chosen to accept each other’s differences, our differences don’t annoy me as much since I understand they are a part of who he is. They are part of what makes him uniquely him.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that the qualities that make our spouses different – are also what make them great.

So the next time your spouse does something different from the way you would, rather than stewing, try considering how the action makes them special.

Marvel in the unique characteristics of your husband or wife and accept them.

And remember … marriage is not a sprint, it’s a well-run marathon.

Today, I run into fewer walls, step on my husband’s toes less frequently, can stomach the word no and the phrase “you’re wrong,” and only yell at the Spurs when they are in the NBA playoffs or finals—giving up the game!

It’s not perfect, but for me, it’s growth.

You can read more from Fawn on her site, Happy Wives Club.

(photo source)

A Simple Acronym for a Better Marriage is a post from: Simple Marriage
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All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver is a post from: Simple Marriage
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We all know that staying healthy and fit has enormous benefit, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

But, did you ever stop to consider that being fit and healthy can contribute to a healthier, more satisfying marriage as well?

Why? Well, we tend to be better partners, and often more enjoyable people to spend time with, when we are healthy, fit and active.

Here are just some of the ways being healthier can improve your relationship with your partner.

1. Increased Energy

People who are active and fit on a regular basis tend to have more energy, and enthusiasm, to bring to their life.

That means you will have more spirit and liveliness to share, and this can bring a new sense of vitality to your relationship.

2. Increased Self-Confidence

Contrary to popular opinion, we don’t get self-esteem from having people tell us how great we are.

It comes from accomplishing things that are important to us. But also from having an inner peace about those things that happen outside of our control.

Being fit shows us that we can indeed overcome obstacles and reach goals, and gives us a sense of power in determining our circumstances.

These feelings of self worth carry over into our relationship, too.

People with better self esteem tend to have fewer problems with jealousy, and a lesser need to control others.

This translates to a freer and stronger marriage all-round.

3. Exercising Together Fosters Closeness

Couples who work out together often find that they become closer emotionally.

Whether it’s long walks at the park, or working out at the gym, exercising with your spouse in this way means you are accomplishing a difficult task together.

This can strengthen your emotional bond as a couple, and gives you a chance to spend more time together, too.

4. Improved Intimacy

The added energy and improved body image which comes from being fit and healthy often leads to a greater sense of physical intimacy.

Again, this adds a greater sense of closeness with your partner, and further strengthens that bond between you both.

5. Reduced Stress

Stress overload is a real killer of both physical and emotional intimacy.

Fortunately however, research shows us that those who workout regularly are better able to handle the normal daily stresses, which we all face.

Regular exercise also helps to improve your mood, and tends to reduce the fight or flight response to stress. This means less chance of getting into unnecessary arguments.

To put all of this in context, we are generally better people to be around when we are fit, healthy and happy.

This can only add up to a healthier and happier marriage long-term.

Even better, if you pursue your fitness goals with your partner, you can add a significant source of bonding and shared experience to your union.

Why not sit down with your spouse to set some fitness goals, which you can work on together, as you strive to become a healthier and happier couple?

Staying healthy and fit is one of the best things you can do for your marriage — so, what are you going to do about this today?

Melanie Thomassian is a registered dietitian, health writer, busy wife, and mum. Her goal is to promote good health and better lifestyles in the online community. For more healthy eating tips check out her blog.

(photo source)

5 Benefits Of Exercise For A Healthy Marriage is a post from: Simple Marriage
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