Overall, these years have been good, if not great at times.

There are other times however, when marriage has been anything but good. Sadly, a majority of these times where brought on by my own stupidity.

I’ve made many of the following mistakes throughout the course of my marriage. Thankfully I have a loving and forgiving wife.

As a rule, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Every marriage has arguments. Every marriage also has highs and lows.

The important thing: how the ebb and flow of marriage is addressed.

I’ve written before about the marriage killers as well as the secret to a lasting marriage, but how the mistakes we make in marriage are addressed is key to improving your relationship.

Here are some of the common mistakes made in marriage.

1. Lack of respect. A fundamental component of a healthy marriage is respect. It’s interesting that there are times when I see people treating their neighbor with more respect than they do their spouse. Little things like saying thank you, talking them up rather than down to your friends and co-workers, and letting them know you appreciate them and your relationship will go a long way to increasing the respect between you.
2. Little sex. It’s been reported that there are as many as 20 million sexless marriages in America. While sex is not the end all, be all to marriage, it is an important component. If little sex is occurring in your marriage (and you’d like more) discuss this with your spouse and/or seek professional help.
3. Always being “right”. Probably one very unattractive quality in a person is the know-it-all syndrome. Add to this the idea of always having to get in the last word and you’ve got a recipe for trouble. Admit your mistakes or that you perhaps don’t have all the answers. And if you still insist on always being right, riddle me this – if you’re always right, what’s that make your spouse? So what’s it like being married to a loser?
4. Saying “I told you so.” Much like the previous point, rubbing in your being right is never a good idea. It sounds too much like a parent-child relationship. And when it comes to parenting your spouse, can you say… disaster!
5. Dishonesty with your spouse. Lies and secrets can harm any relationship. They can create a distance and lack of trust between you, making it hard for both of you to enjoy the marriage. Own up to your decisions in life. If you’ve got some things going on outside your marriage that you don’t want your spouse to know, that speaks more about your integrity than it does theirs. Live according to your core values. It makes life much more enjoyable for everyone, especially you.
6. Hurtful sarcasm. While some of the exchanges aren’t meant to be harmful, if one of you thinks the comment is hurtful or disrespectful, it is. One way to look at it, if one of you thinks something is a problem, then it’s a problem.
7. Unclear boundaries with family members. Part of creating a marriage and a family requires boundaries around the marriage and the family. Picking up the phone to include your parents, or your children, in your marital difficulties often only exacerbates the issue.
8. Too much story telling. I’m guilty of this one by providing too much detail in the discussions with my spouse. While there are times when the story needs to be expounded and the details serve a valuable purpose, providing too much often gets in the way.
9. Distance. Whether the space between you is physical or emotional, it’s hard to have a meaningful relationship with someone who’s not there. If your life requires that you be physically apart from your spouse at times, this doesn’t mean you have to be emotionally apart. Use technology to your advantage. In-network phone calls are unlimited. Chat with each other over the web. Video conference one another or send video emails. You can remain connected even though you’re miles apart.
10. Unfair fighting. While disagreements and arguments are bound to happen, it’s vital to stay on topic in the discussion. Bringing up all your partner’s faults and failings doesn’t help the situation. Neither does raising your voice. As my grandfather would say, anytime a person raises their voice in a conversation, it’s about power and pride.

Did I miss any?

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How does compromise play out your marriage?

One thing I constantly hear is that a good relationship must involve compromise. Pretty much every relationship book or expert out there agrees on this.

So we’re all on the same page, the dictionary defines compromise as: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

I define compromise as each party goes away equally unhappy.

I don’t believe in compromise.

When you get right down to what happens in most every marriage, most people don’t compromise, they cave.

Most people, especially Nice Guys, pleasers, and fixers, give in to others as a way to manage their own anxiety and discomfort with conflict. They also give in hoping that it will make their partner happy. The problem is that they’ve just done damage to themselves and the relationship.

Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even just a little bit unhappy, they have done damage to the relationship.

This sets the stage for unspoken, but expected reciprocity.

I bet you’ve had these same thoughts as I have, “I gave in and we went to visit your parents even though I didn’t want to, so I’m expecting some sex to make up for it.” Or, “You got to go play golf on Saturday so you better make up for it by helping out more around the house.”

In the classic exchange based type of relationship, where giving is expected to be returned in kind, you will fall victim to keeping score – and no relationship will ever be “fair” or equal when viewed this way.

Instead, the lack of reciprocation will create frustration and disappointment. And these little bricks of disappointment will build up over time and become a wall of resentment.

True compromise can only occur when two equally powerful people both clearly state their needs. Let me say this again: True compromise can only occur when two equally powerful people both clearly state their needs.

From this place, an elegant solution can arise that is satisfactory to both partners.

Strong, grown up people don’t cave. They can put the needs and wants of the people they care about ahead of their own, but they do this from a differentiated and non-attached place, not a place of anxiety management or approval seeking.

The next time you are tempted to compromise in your marriage, ask yourself this, “Am I acting with love and integrity, or merely caving to keep the peace?”

(photo source)

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My opinion of this idea: why take the easy way out?

Marriage is work. Marriage is struggle. But then again, any close relationship is. And for that matter, so is anything of value in life.

There are times I have been asked,

“What makes a marriage last?”

“What’s the secret to a lasting marriage?”

The answer is actually simple (simple is not to be confused with easy).

Before I divulge the answer, let’s tackle a few marriage myths.

Thanks to popular press and Hollywood, the work involved in marriage is poorly displayed. Many people seem to think that marriage will be a lifelong romantic escapade along the shore at sunset before returning home for the nightly passionate adventure enveloped in silk sheets with your lover. I know you’ve bought into this idea somewhat if you can easily complete this phrase: “and they all lived…”

The honeymoon is over, morning breath has set in, your partner sees you for who you are, plus you see your partner more for who they are. You realize that marriage requires more of you. The dream of marriage has been replaced with the reality of marriage. You and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on everything. You’ve slept on the couch at least once in your married life. There has been a roller coaster of feelings. Close. Distant. Passion. Boredom. Joy. Sadness.

When you get right down to it, marriage is not about happiness. Marriage is about two people growing up and becoming better humans.

Nowhere else are we faced with the task of growth more than marriage.

So what’s the secret to making marriage last?

Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it.

Marriage is choice. Choice of partner, choice of self, choice of growth, even choice of passion and adventure.

While this may at first appear simplistic, it should be.

When you view what’s going on in your marriage as a process for growth and experiencing more in life, it makes the choice simple.

Most of the time, we focus on our partner and our desire for them to change or do something different. This is focusing on something we can’t control. If we decide to grow, do something different, change the things we don’t like about ourselves, we take charge of our own life as well as our relationship.

With everything that happens to us in life and love, how you view it will determine the outcome. When you have times of disagreement, could it really be a time to grow closer? Or a time to understand more about your spouse? When you feel your partner pulling away, maybe it’s an opportunity to engage your partner in a better way.

(photo source)

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Even if you don’t consider yourself the All-American family, you are most likely still able to answer the question, “so how are things?” with simple reply of… “busy.” With something scheduled every night of the week and weekends being full of more activities, have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage?

If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy? I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions display anything but.

We make time for the important things in our life. I play basketball at lunch time several times a week. I have for years. It’s tough to take that time out of the middle of the day, but I find a way to make it happen. Golf may be the thing you find time for. Or trips to the bar. Guys weekends. Hunting. Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.

So the question to hit you right between the eyes…

Where does your marriage fit on your list of importance?

If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again. When I was down about something, I would seek her out in order for her to help me feel better. Once my mood was propped up, I was off to my own agenda again.

If you desire a marriage that is fully alive, it requires you to be honest with yourself and be more present and involved in the important aspects of your life.

Making time for your spouse will require you both to face the issues that get the in way of the time together.

It very well could be that you both stay busy in order to save the marriage. Your busyness keeps you together, because if you slowed down and spent time together, the issues, resentments, disappointments, frustrations, etc. would come front and center.

If you discover this is the case in your marriage, seek professional help. I’ve even created a guide to help in choosing the right counselor. At the very least, be honest with yourself, and then your spouse.

If marriage is important to you, show it in your actions.

Learn to say no to other schedule filling items in order to be together.

Do less.

Limit your kids to one activity a week.

Have a regular date night that nothing short of the Lord’s return will alter.

Making time for marriage requires more from each spouse. But the beautiful thing is, you are both capable of giving more to the marriage. And in return, you experience more in the marriage.

(photo source)

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For the past several months, my wife and I were making preparations to place our house on the market. We weren’t looking to move to an enormous house, but since we have two kids now, we were looking to gain another bedroom and a bit more storage space. After several weeks of preparation and organization, a couple of things became clear.

1. We have a lot of junk in our house. No wonder we are tight on storage space, we have too much stuff. As part of the organizing, we got rid of 2 pickup truck loads of stuff, and we still have too much of it left. Half the garage is now housing most of this until we do more purging.

2. The houses that would be a “move up” in space and amenities were more than we wanted to spend. For the past several years my wife and I have been working to live below our means. To move would stretch us a little beyond where we want to be, not that we can’t afford it, but why try to afford it? Part of living within a simple marriage is to live simply.

After deciding not to go through with the process, a tremendous weight was lifted off both our shoulders. We have now begun making plans on getting out of debt and traveling more with the kids. In other words, living life more alive and less tied to things and stuff.

This process has made us realize how easily you can be trapped into living according to a perceived expectation of society. How did society evolve to the point that when you have x number of kids living in an x number of bedroom house, you must get a bigger house in order for everyone to have their own room and an office and a playroom and on and on it goes. Didn’t our parents grow up with 2 or more kids in the same room? Plus, I heard that they walked to school through snow uphill both ways.

It seems we have begun to feel entitled to a certain lifestyle. A certain amount of luxuries. But at what cost?

Since my wife and I have decided not to move there has been a new level of passion and love in the house. We are less worried about the finances. Spending more time with the kids. Planning future trips and excursions. Getting away on the weekend for fun.

This past Saturday we went bike riding with the kids in tow, literally (they were in a bike trailer behind my bike). We had mud up to our knees, ruined our shoes, and had a blast the whole time.

I think there is a correlation between living within or below your means and passion in marriage. There is less stress. Less worry. Room for more adventure.

Try it. Spend some time organizing the house. De-clutter. Then spend the time planning an adventure together. Spend time with friends. Serve others. In other words, live and enjoy life. And if you still have time to spare, you can come to my house and help me clear out my garage of all my stuff.

Photo courtesy Bento Business

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If you’re not familiar with what I’m talking about, answer these questions:

Do you have some things that you really want to do before you die?

Have you written these things down?

If so, you have a bucket list.

The interesting thing about this idea is the process of crossing each item off can usually be accomplished during vacations and moments that come about throughout the year. But what about creating a list that goes beyond this? What about creating a lifestyle that you want to live?

A list that contains both the “once in a lifetime” type of activities as well as the “these are the things that bring meaning to my life” or “this it the lifestyle I want to live” type of things.

By meaning/lifestyle, I don’t mean making X amount of income so you can buy whatever you want. I’m talking about living according to your desire, not what society or anyone else teaches.

What I propose is this:

Take your Bucket List and write it down on a yellow pad. This list will include your dreams, experiences, accomplishments, etc.

On a separate sheet, begin to explore the things in this life that you find meaningful. This will be things like helping others, family, service, working towards social justice, giving your time, etc.

The best way to live a great life is to incorporate things that bring meaning to your life. This is often the area that goes unnoticed and unrecognized throughout life. For some people, discovering meaningful things will be easy, because you’re likely already living according them. For others, this will take some work.

Take some time this weekend and search your thoughts and life for the meaningful things. The way to tell the difference between Bucket List items and Life Meaning items … ask yourself what are you willing to die for. Life Meaning items are the things you would die for – Bucket List items are the things you want to do before you die.

If you’re looking for a little help in discovering your Life Meaning items, here’s a tool that will help get you started. The Personal Values Card Sort will help you uncover your core 3 – 5 values. The things that will bring you meaning in life will come from these values.

I’d love to hear what you discover. Share them in the comments.

(photo source)

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Summer means many things, no school for the kids, vacations, hot days sitting by the pool, yard work, and cookouts. The main thing about summer is time.

Time with family. Time to sit with your spouse outside and watch the kids play.

So why not take advantage of the time this summer and make your marriage even better?

A Simple Marriage is part book and part workbook, with lots of exercises and questions to help you create the relationship and life you desire.

Each section is designed to help you get the most out of your relationship – and life.

Here’s a look at what’s inside:

Table of Contents:

1. Stretch your thinking
2. Faith and design
3. The vision of a marriage fully alive
4. Survey yourself
5. Live from a deep place
6. The power of purpose
7. Levels of consciousness
8. Marriage designing: Are you thriving or surviving?
9. Living a fulfilled life
10. Marriage design
11. Daily delicious habits
12. What gets in your way?

For more on the book, go here.

As a special offer this summer, throughout the month of June, you can pick up your copy of A Simple Marriage for only $18. That’s over 20% off.

To take advantage of this offer, you must use the code summerrocks in the discount area at checkout. When the calendar turns to July the offer expires – so hurry and act now.

Only $18 during June 2010.

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First Cup of Coffee: Awaken Your Relationship

The snooze has been hit for the fifth and final time, you head to the bathroom, splash some water on your face, check your reflection in the mirror, and slowly the fog begins to lift and the day begins. The brain starts working again and then it hits you. You catch a whiff of the coffee brewing in the other room.

Ahh, a good cup of java welcomes you to another day. It provides that needed jolt to your system. Similarly, jolts can be added to your relationship each day.

There are some simple things you can do to awaken your relationship. There are some not-so-simple things to try.

The key to waking up your relationship — do something.

The greatest thing about a good cup of coffee in the morning is there are endless varieties (listed in order of caffeinated jolt level).

So what kind of coffee would you like today?

DECAF: Say “I love you” every day to your spouse. This sounds simple,
and it is—but it’s great to hear each day.

HAZELNUT: Take your spouse out on a date. Actually call them and ask them out. Don’t assume. Take care of the babysitting. Dress nicely. Show up at the front door, and head out together. Take your time.

100% COLUMBIAN: Talk. Talk about your day, the kids, work, what- ever. Just talk. Spend time listening to your spouse and sharing your thoughts and ideas along with theirs.

LIGHT ROAST: (Bet you thought this should be up higher on the list, actually this has more caffeine than dark roast). Change up your routine together. Sit at different places around the dinner table. Sleep on the other side of the bed. Small changes can provide big jolts to the system.

ESPRESSO: Keep your eyes open while kissing. Keep your eyes open during sex. Look at each other. See each other. Not just their body, their eyes, their spirit, their soul.

DOUBLE ESPRESSO: Eyes open orgasm. Connect with your eyes at the culmination of the encounter. Stay with each other after sex is over. Breathe together. Talk. Don’t rush to move on to something else.

Coffee is a great addition to a morning, afternoon, or evening. Waking up a marriage is a great addition to life.

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Nice Guys are wimps.

In fact, Nice Guys tend to play the wimpy victim role very well. You can hear it in what they say to themselves and others:

“It’s just not fair.”
“How come she always gets her way?”
“If they would just …”

The Nice Guy paradigm begins in childhood as a survival mechanism. In order to get their love and attention needs met they develop this belief; “If I’m good and do what’s right, I’ll be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem free life.”

The problem with childhood survival mechanisms, we carry them forward into adulthood and expect them to work like they did when we were children. We all do this to some degree, but they seldom work as intended. The Nice Guy however, carries with him the belief that he can create a problem free and smooth life.

The truth is, this is an impossibility.

Life is chaotic. Life is struggle. Life is filled with things beyond our control. But the Nice Guy believes otherwise. He is convinced that if he does everything right, everything will go right in his life.

The Nice Guy reacts to the fear of an out of control world by seeking to control everything around him, thus eliminating the fear (at least in his mind). And if you’re honest with yourself, you do this too.

To move beyond fear and seeking to control everything around you, you must reclaim your personal power. This is the state of mind that is confident you can handle whatever life throws your way. It’s the ability to face the fear of a situation in life and do it anyway.

The first step to reclaiming personal power involves surrendering. Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power is surrender – letting go of what you can’t change and changing what you can – and once again, this begins and ends with you.

I’ve worked with many married clients who’ve felt stuck in their marriage and under the power of their spouse. They didn’t want out of the marriage, only to feel unstuck. When they realized that they alone are responsible for their life and then lived according to their own integrity and values, they began reclaiming their personal power and changing their life. And due to the nature of systems, when they changed, their marriage changed – mostly for the better.

Steve (name changed obviously due to confidentiality) is a good example of this process. When he came to therapy, he wanted to “fix” his spouse because she was moody, depressed, and had almost no interest in sex. As the process unfolded, Steve began to acknowledge and own up to his role in the marriage. He also realized that he had almost no outside interests and no male friends. All of his attention was focused on his wife and her “issues.”

Steve wanted the magic key that would help his wife feel better, thus increasing the likelihood that she’d then meet some of his needs. He also lived in tremendous fear that his wife would leave him if he didn’t take care of her.

He was in a major quandary.

The answer to his dilemma was discovered when began to no longer work to change his wife and focused on changing himself. He began to realize that he could not control his wife and her moods or interests, but he could control his.

When Steve began to live more in line with his core values and integrity and less in fear of his wife’s reactions and feelings, a tremendous shift occurred in their marriage. He found that he has less disappointments and frustrations with his wife and began seeing her as a “gift” in his life. At the same time, his wife began to step up and address her frustrations in her own life and sought help for her depressed moods.

This process involved a great deal of fear and anxiety for both Steve and his wife, but they faced the fear and moved forward knowing they could handle whatever may happen.

Perhaps you’re in a similar situation or you’ve noticed that you’re a Nice Guy and want to change. If so, an Adults Only Men’s Group is forming now – sign up and take some steps towards regaining the personal power in your life.

Source: No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover
(photo source)

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Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

Cleanliness carries with it a great pride as it develops one’s attention to detail, work ethic, and self confidence. Moreover, cleanliness facilitates the orderly development of one’s life. While the levels of cleanliness have shifted throughout history, striving for a clean life remains a virtue due to what it provides to your life.

Cleanliness makes your feel good. Regardless of whether the feeling is inherent, or created by social conditioning, keeping your body, clothes, and home clean feels undeniably great. A hot shower, your favorite clean shirt, and a well organized house make you feel ready to take on the world.

Cleanliness keeps your mind clear and your life organized. If your house is a total disaster, your thinking is going to feel similarly disorganized. There is something to be said for the concept of Feng Shui. There is an natural connection between the order of your environment and the state of your mind. Clutter will weigh you down and stress you out. A clean, well-organized environment will lift your spirits.

Cleanliness gives you a good image. How you present yourself in life is paramount. If you, your clothes, or your house looks like a disheveled mess, people are inevitably going to judge part of your character and personality on such evidence. Perhaps that is unfair, but it is how the world works. When you present a neat and clean appearance to others, they will respect and think highly of you.

Cleanliness leads to beauty. That which is neat, well-proportioned, and symmetrical creates beauty and appeals to the eye. As we transform our lives to be orderly and clean, we increase the amount of beauty in our lives.

To me, there’s nothing more beautiful and full of energy than a decluttered life and home – as I equate cleanliness with declutter.

Have nothing in your homes that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. ~ William Morris

This same quote can be applied to life. Do nothing in life that doesn’t provide something useful or beautiful to it.

Start with your home. Clean. Declutter. Organize. This will create a home base to launch your day with more energy and a comfortable environment to return to in the evening. Then apply cleanliness to your desk, office, or work space. Then your calendar. If you apply this virtue to every area of your life, you’ll soon begin to feel lighter, more energetic, and more purposeful.

Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

Coupled with cleanliness often is tranquility, as an ordered and clean life will be more calm and peaceful. Maybe not everything in life will be peaceful, but your inner life can be.

So how do you create a life of tranquility?

It begins with one word … Breathe.

Breathing can transform your life.

If you feel stressed out and overwhelmed, breathe. It will calm you and release the tensions.

If you are worried about something coming up, or caught up in something that already happened, breathe. It will bring you back to the present.

If you are discouraged and have forgotten your purpose in life, breathe. It will remind you about how precious life is, and that each breath in this life is a gift you need to appreciate. Make the most of this gift.

If you have too many tasks to do, or are scattered during your workday, breathe. It will help bring you into focus, to concentrate on the most important task you need to be focusing on right now.

If you are spending time with someone you love, breathe. It will allow you to be present with that person, rather than thinking about work or other things you need to do.

If you are exercising, breathe. It will help you enjoy the exercise, and therefore stick with it for longer.

If you are moving too fast, breathe. It will remind you to slow down, and enjoy life more.

So breathe.

And enjoy each moment of this life.

They’re too fleeting and few to waste.

(photo source)

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