Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver

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Post written by Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems.

All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

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5 Benefits Of Exercise For A Healthy Marriage

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Post written by Melanie Thomassian of Dietriffic.

We all know that staying healthy and fit has enormous benefit, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

But, did you ever stop to consider that being fit and healthy can contribute to a healthier, more satisfying marriage as well?

Why? Well, we tend to be better partners, and often more enjoyable people to spend time with, when we are healthy, fit and active.

Here are just some of the ways being healthier can improve your relationship with your partner.

1. Increased Energy

People who are active and fit on a regular basis tend to have more energy, and enthusiasm, to bring to their life.

That means you will have more spirit and liveliness to share, and this can bring a new sense of vitality to your relationship.

2. Increased Self-Confidence

Contrary to popular opinion, we don’t get self-esteem from having people tell us how great we are.

It comes from accomplishing things that are important to us. But also from having an inner peace about those things that happen outside of our control.

Being fit shows us that we can indeed overcome obstacles and reach goals, and gives us a sense of power in determining our circumstances.

These feelings of self worth carry over into our relationship, too.

People with better self esteem tend to have fewer problems with jealousy, and a lesser need to control others.

This translates to a freer and stronger marriage all-round.

3. Exercising Together Fosters Closeness

Couples who work out together often find that they become closer emotionally.

Whether it’s long walks at the park, or working out at the gym, exercising with your spouse in this way means you are accomplishing a difficult task together.

This can strengthen your emotional bond as a couple, and gives you a chance to spend more time together, too.

4. Improved Intimacy

The added energy and improved body image which comes from being fit and healthy often leads to a greater sense of physical intimacy.

Again, this adds a greater sense of closeness with your partner, and further strengthens that bond between you both.

5. Reduced Stress

Stress overload is a real killer of both physical and emotional intimacy.

Fortunately however, research shows us that those who workout regularly are better able to handle the normal daily stresses, which we all face.

Regular exercise also helps to improve your mood, and tends to reduce the fight or flight response to stress. This means less chance of getting into unnecessary arguments.

To put all of this in context, we are generally better people to be around when we are fit, healthy and happy.

This can only add up to a healthier and happier marriage long-term.

Even better, if you pursue your fitness goals with your partner, you can add a significant source of bonding and shared experience to your union.

Why not sit down with your spouse to set some fitness goals, which you can work on together, as you strive to become a healthier and happier couple?

Staying healthy and fit is one of the best things you can do for your marriage — so, what are you going to do about this today?

Melanie Thomassian is a registered dietitian, health writer, busy wife, and mum. Her goal is to promote good health and better lifestyles in the online community. For more healthy eating tips check out her blog.

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Meeting a Mate’s Needs

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Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Is marriage partially about meeting each other’s primary needs?

What happens to a marriage when couples don’t listen to each other’s needs or attempt to fulfill them?

Can engaged couples benefit from assessing each other’s likely marital needs and whether they will be able to meet them?

Oh, this is a complex dance indeed!

It’s sometimes difficult to discern our own needs, let alone those of a spouse or partner. However, your secure foundation in marriage is linked to sorting out and communicating together what you need from each other. Mind reading does not work. Nor does assuming that you know what your partner needs, or taking action based on what you want for yourself. You both likely have different priorities.

If you have been taught the importance of selfless love and service, you may hesitate to speak up with your partner about a potential need. Moderation applies, for a marriage of partners means building love and caring between you mutually, and being of service to each other. Where there is a foundation of mutual service to each other, you are then positioned to generously serve others.

As human beings, we are also prone to selfish tendencies at times. We might demand or insist that a partner do something for us. If the act is done with resentment or resistance though, we are no further ahead. In a mature, happy marriage, both the husband and wife must be in a mutually fulfilling dance, motivated by love and wanting the best for each other.

Alternatively, perhaps you lack self-respect, and find it difficult to speak up about your needs. A supportive partner can gradually assist you to identify what is important, while you work to increase your respect for yourself as a noble, valuable person.

Every individual will have a different set of priorities, and these will also change over time and with new circumstances. Consider for yourself what might be most important to you now from this small selection of a long list of potential needs:

- Financial support
- Affection, connection, and love
- Spiritual companionship
- Recreational companionship
- Domestic support
- Family commitment
- Personal  growth
- Humor, laughter, and lightness

As you identify your primary needs that only a marriage partner can meet well, you will have to work out together how to meet those needs as consistently as possible. If you regularly fail to meet each other’s most important needs, you are likely putting your marriage at risk. If you are not yet married and have concerns about whether you can meet each other’s high priority needs, hit the pause button and assess where you are going and why.

What helps you with understanding and meeting needs?

- Observation
- Self-knowledge
- Good communication
- Flexibility and patience
- Commitment
- Unity
- An attitude of joyful fun and service

Remember as you meet each other’s needs, that’s it’s helpful to share compliments and gratitude.

Appreciate your dance partner!

Note: For couples wanting to explore this topic more deeply and engage in transforming your marriage, pick up our new Marriage Sparks online couple mini-Ecourse on Expectations and Needs.

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Don’t analyze your wife

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Post written by Corey Allan

Alright fellas … if you’re anything like me, you’ve fallen victim to analyzing your wife’s emotions or problems in hopes of “fixing” them.

This likely comes from the caring parts of you – but it’s not going to work.

Sure, this works for us men.

We are masters at analyzing a situation then changing whatever needs to be changed to remove the unnecessary pain of the situation.

Perhaps you’ve had a time at work where you were unhappy until you realized that your boss or coworker was taking advantage of you. You then determined that the best way to handle this problem is to be upfront and say something to your boss. You mustered up the guts, tell your boss what you think (not in an offensive or aggressive manner), and it’s over.

Problem solved.

You have also likely applied this same approach with your wife.

You realize there’s something you’re not happy about with your wife, so you muster the guts to tell her. You get it off your chest.

You then think maybe she wants something more or different from you, so after you tell her what you want from her you ask, “What do you want from me?”

This seems fair to a man. Right?

But it’s not.

It’s a no-win situation for a wife.

Why?

Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself.

She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his love, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

A fundamental aspect of the feminine’s desire is to not have to figure things out for her man and guide him in his own life. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction and choices.

There are times when she wants to help you figure things out, but far more often she wants to feel your presence and love without having to tell you what she wants.

Imagine it’s your wife’s birthday. If it were your birthday you’d love it if she would do anything you wanted – so you think she’d like that too. You say, “For your birthday today, we will do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll even do anything for you. So what do you want to do?”

The problem, this is the opposite of most women’s ideal birthday gift.

Most women would be far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got an hour to pack your bags. Don’t ask where we’re going, but we’ll be gone the entire weekend. Everything is taken care of. You simply need to pack your bags and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday present you’ve ever had.”

This would speak to the deepest part of her feminine core.

The part that wants to be able to relax and surrender knowing that she is taken care of and showered with your love. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan everything or analyze every option to decide which one is best.

One of the best ways you can serve your wife is by helping her surrender to the force of love so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is and give this love which naturally flows from her essence.

So fellas, be full in your loving … so strong and stable in your presence with her that she can simply let go and surrender.

She likely has to be in her masculine enough throughout the day, taking care of a career, or kids, or a home … don’t make her have to do the same with you.

With you, let her be what the feminine is … pure energy, pure motion, and pure love.

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7 Secrets to Fitting in Fitness for Busy Couples

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Want to know the best aphrodisiac on the market today?

Exercise!

If you’re anything like my wife and I, you knew the answer but aren’t sure you’ve got the time to actually do it.

And isn’t there a part of you that hates this answer?

I mean, isn’t there an easier way to turn on your desire and really let loose in the bedroom?

I’m not sure if this is any easier, but an even better aphrodisiac is exercising with your spouse.

I have first hand knowledge of this.

My wife and I have included exercise as part of our weekly routine for years now … but rarely together. She had her schedule and I had mine.

Until four months ago when we committed to do Insanity together.

If you’re not familiar with Insanity, it’s exactly as the title describes.

Six days a week we began working out together in our home. And after a couple of weeks making this a priority and rearranging things to make it happen, not only did we see improvements in our bodies, we saw improvements in our marriage.

Perhaps you’re thinking there’s no way you could do something like that. You’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, have little kids to care for, etc.

So did we.

But what we found was our kids would do parts of the work out with us!

If you’re interested in discovering ways to include fitness as part of your marriage, heads up.

There’s a free webinar with my friends Dustin Riechmann and Tony DiLorenzo of Fit Marriage happening Tuesday Sept. 20th. Both Tony and Dustin have experienced the transformations in their marriages as they’ve cracked the code to actually finding time and a plan to get fit with their wives.

You can hear all about it on Tuesday.

Not only is the webinar free, there are 2 different times it will be offered that day (1 PM CST and 8 PM CST).

All you have to do is sign up and you’ll get some great information the will help you improve your health and your marriage.

Click here to sign up for the 7 Secrets to Fitting in Fitness for Busy Couples.

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6 tips for self-soothing in marriage

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calm, relax

Post written by Corey Allan

There are many things that produce stress and tension in marriage.

Could be routine and schedules packed to the brim.

Could be the lack of passion.

Or there’s the miscommunications.

It could also be simply a look or reaction from your spouse.

A lot of our anxiety comes from our expectations and beliefs about relationships.

Many people fall victim to the “if you love me you’ll give up what you want and do what I want” dynamic. Others may fall into the give to get trap.

Regardless of whether or not these or other unhealthy dynamics are present in your marriage, the question is what will you do about it?

Self examination and self reflection in marriage can be difficult and painful.

It can produce agitation, short fuses, a low threshold for emotions. It can also lead to arguments, tension, and distance between you.

But, one of the best, and most loving things you can do in marriage is grow up. And a great step in the growing direction is learning how to quiet and calm yourself in the midst of difficulty and discomfort.

When you are more about to hold onto yourself you can then lean into the conflict in order to create something better … namely, a better you.

Here are some tips to help keep you focused during these times:

  1. Give your dilemma meaning. It’s amazing how much more pain and discomfort we can tolerate when give things and different meaning. Rather than seeing struggles in your relationship as something your spouse is doing to you, focus on trying to change your own life. Hopefully the belief that marriage is designed to grow us up into better people helps make better meanings of our struggles.
  2. If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior. Stop talking. Concentrate on your breathing. Lower your heart rate. Lower your volume and relax your body. If you find yourself saying, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but …” take your own advice.
  3. Don’t take your spouse’s behavior (or lack of response) personal. No sense making things harder than they have to be. Focus on increasing a more solid sense of self.
  4. Calming down may mean you break contact. Taking a break is a successful strategy, provided it’s a break and not an avoidance. Take the time to self-soothe and recharge, not veg out and disengage completely. One thing that helps ensure it’s just a break is offer to schedule a time to reconnect when you break.
  5. Use time apart from your spouse effectively. Use time apart to replenish yourself. Exercise, read, create something, spend time in a hobby, do something productive. Outside interests can calm and refuel you, depending on how you use them. Note: Time spent apart commiserating about marital issues with friends isn’t really time apart from your spouse.
  6. Stop negative mental tapes. Humans are great at replaying thoughts from childhood and past experiences. Take a moment and break the pattern by focusing on your surroundings: you’re not a child anymore, you’re also not in the same state of relationship as before … truth is you’ve grow, matured, evolved. So has your spouse. Be present. Sort through your thoughts and emotions and breathe in and out.

Calming yourself and working through issues in marriage is the process of growth at work. Not every strategy will work in every situation. The point is, discover what helps you stay involved and connected.

Avoiding a situation in marriage and life is a terrible form of self-soothing. In the end, you end up less developed with less of a relationship.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
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Heads up, compromising in your marriage may ruin things

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Originally posted July 13, 2010.

How does compromise play out your marriage?

One thing I constantly hear is that a good relationship must involve compromise. Pretty much every relationship book or expert out there agrees on this.

So we’re all on the same page, the dictionary defines compromise as: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

I define compromise as each party goes away equally unhappy.

I don’t believe in compromise.

When you get right down to what happens in most every marriage, most people don’t compromise, they cave.

Most people, especially Nice Guys, pleasers, and fixers, give in to others as a way to manage their own anxiety and discomfort with conflict. They also give in hoping that it will make their partner happy. The problem is that they’ve just done damage to themselves and the relationship.

Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even just a little bit unhappy, they have done damage to the relationship.

This sets the stage for unspoken, but expected, reciprocity.

I bet you’ve had these same thoughts as I have, “I gave in and we went to visit your parents even though I didn’t want to, so I’m expecting some sex to make up for it.” Or, “You got to go play golf on Saturday so you better make up for it by helping out more around the house.”

In the classic exchange based type of relationship, where giving is expected to be returned in kind, you will fall victim to keeping score – and no relationship will ever be “fair” or equal when viewed this way.

Instead, the lack of reciprocation will create frustration and disappointment. And these little bricks of disappointment will build up over time and become a wall of resentment.

True compromise can only occur when two equally powerful people both clearly state their needs. Let me say this again: True compromise can only occur when two equally powerful people both clearly state their needs.

From this place, an elegant solution can arise that is satisfactory to both partners.

Strong, grown up people don’t cave. They can put the needs and wants of the people they care about ahead of their own, but they do this from a differentiated and non-attached place, not a place of anxiety management or approval seeking.

The next time you are tempted to compromise in your marriage, ask yourself this, “Am I acting with love and integrity, or merely caving to keep the peace?”

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Engagement Anxiety: The Last Taboo

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Post written by Sheryl Paul of Conscious Transitions.

We live in a culture of illusions.

From the time we’re old enough to absorb images, we’re fed the fantasy that love and marriage should occur effortlessly and easily, that when we meet “The One” we’ll just “know”, and that this One will be nothing short of a perfect prince or princess.

So what happens when your beloved finally proposes, and hours or days within saying “yes” you’re filled with dread, anxiety, and an unnamable grief and fear?

Surely this means you’ve made a terrible mistake, right?

Because if you really loved him (or her), you would feel unilaterally joyous … at least that’s what our culture tells you.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, there are plenty of people who feel happy throughout their engagement, but there at least as many – if not more – that struggle with the common emotions that arise during any transition: grief, uncertainty, doubt, fear of the unknown, a sense of being out of control, loneliness, and vulnerability.

The major difference between the transition of getting married and buying a house, for example, is that when you buy a house and express doubt about the purchase, no one says to you, “Oh, you must be making a mistake.”

We culturally understand that there’s a phenomenon called “buyer’s remorse” that often accompanies a significant purchase, which allows you to expect that doubt will arise.

The same cannot be said around engagement anxiety.

So why do we cut people slack around doubting their house purchase but not their decision to marry?

The answer lies in our cultural fantasy about love and marriage coupled with the rampant images of engaged bliss promoted by our wedding industry.

Beginning with Disney films, little girls are conditioned to believe that once she meets her prince, “she’ll just know.” As she enters her teen years, every pop song and romantic comedy reinforces the highly dysfunctional fantasy that one day she’ll meet “the One” or her “soulmate.”

And then the story goes something like this:

After dating a series of unavailable jerks, she meets a great guy. (By the way, this story just as easily applies to guys, but for the sake of this article I’m writing from the female perspective.) Perhaps she falls in love with him right away and perhaps she doesn’t; it might a slow-growing love that evolves over several months. He’s everything she’s ever wanted in a man: loving, kind, responsible, honest and they have shared values and a common vision for their life. They enjoy spending time together and their families are mutually supportive of their relationship. Early on, she can envision spending her life with him. She knows the relationship isn’t perfect but she’s happier than she’s ever been and can’t wait for him to propose.

And then he does.

She says yes.

And before she knows it, she’s spinning into a tizzy of anxiety.

It’s as if the proposal unleashed every fear she’s ever had about love and marriage: Will it last? Will we grow bored of each other? Will we emulate my parents’ wonderful marriage or end up just as dysfunctional as they are? And what about the sex? I’m not as hot for him as I was for that last guy (the one who never fully committed to me); does that mean I don’t really love him?

Oh my goodness … what if I don’t really love him? If I really loved him, I wouldn’t be having all of these doubts, right?

She’s not sure who to turn to with these concerns: her friends, her parents, her fiancee.

Our culture has come a long way in breaking taboos about discussing sex, money, religion, and postpartum depression. But when it comes to the wedding and the topic of love, we still have a long way to go. Even Oprah, who invited me to her show several times to discuss this very topic, said, “Doubt means don’t, right?”

No, Oprah, doubt does not mean don’t.

Doubt means that you’re a rational, introspective person weighing every aspect of your relationship before committing yourself to the rest of your life.

Doesn’t that actually sound like a smart thing to do?

If there wasn’t so much taboo around this topic, this healthy questioning wouldn’t mutate into anxiety and depression, but would exist as an expected, necessary step in the engagement process.

Anxiety surrounds every transition and change in life … but remember, doubt doesn’t necessarily mean don’t.

Doubt means doubt. Doubt means ask some more questions. Doubt means have some honest conversations. Doubt means grow. Doubt means faith. Doubt means … what do you think it means?

Sheryl Paul, M.A., is an international expert in transitions. Her bestselling books, “The Conscious Bride” and “The Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner,” are available on her website, Conscious Transitions, as well as two Home Study Programs: Conscious Weddings E-Course: From Anxiety to Serenity and Birthing a New Mother: A Roadmap to Calm Your Anxiety, Prevent Postpartum Depression, and Babyproof Your Marriage (available September 2011). She has appeared several times on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”, as well as on “Good Morning America” and other top television, radio, and newspapers around the globe. 

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