The vision of a marriage fully alive (part 1)

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As the years pass and your marriage progresses, I am willing to bet that you are not in the same relationship from which you began. Oh you may still be with the one you originally married, but the relationship is not the same. It can’t be. We constantly change and evolve. It is one of the natural laws that can not be avoided. I would also be willing to bet that most of us would not want to still be in that same relationship.

Every relationship starts off in that euphoric, sappy state of being where you can not imagine life without the other. You spend all your time each day wondering what the other person is doing, thinking, feeling, and if they miss you as much as you miss them; even though you’ve only been apart for 15 minutes. As we have all experienced, this state can not last forever and life settles in. This is where the relationship is faced with the choice of either growing or deteriorating. Now this may be a bit simplistic but it is still true. How much planning is spent on relational growth from this point? Have you developed a vision of your relationship down the road? Now. Five years from now. Ten. Twenty.

We are each capable of pointing out what is wrong with our relationship or what is missing (we are also quick to point this out in our spouse). How often are we willing to do this about ourselves? We need to be able to develop a vision for ourselves; and then for our relationship. Only then will life begin to run more smoothly. When you don’t know where you want to go, any route will do. If you have a vision for where you want to go, you can then share that with your spouse and get their input on a shared vision, of which you will only control half.

A relationship vision begins with three distinct, yet interrelated concepts. They are space, clarity, and personal development. These concepts are born out of the idea that we are capable of creating the life we desire from intention. The first step to creating from intention is to focus within ourselves. This week will set the foundation briefly for each of these concepts and the following weeks will go more in depth.

The things in our lives require space. When we have enough space, things run smoothly. Space usually entails many different areas; physical, mental, time, emotional and spiritual. We all know what is like to not have enough space. You board your plane for the flight to the coast and discover you are sitting next to the person that you swear used to play offensive lineman for the Cowboys. When we don’t have enough space, we are often short. Short of room, short of temper, short of clarity.

Clarity is the ability to see both close and far with awareness and insight. Clarity is instrumental in developing the life and relationship we want. This involves not just what we want in our life, but also what we do not want. What are the things you want to have in your relationship? What are your relationship deal breakers? Spend some time developing a clear vision of life going forward. Realize however, that when another person is involved with the fulfillment of this vision, you will have to adapt and adjust at times since you can not control what they want for their own lives.

The last area is personal development, which is necessary for sustained growth. The previous two areas will produce short term improvement, but lasting growth will only come from you developing into a better human. When both members of the relationship take care of this within themselves, a tremendous amount of energy is created.

In the following weeks we will discuss each topic more in depth. Feel free to join in the discussion with questions and comments along the way.

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If

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Every person seeks happiness. You hear it all the time. “I just want to be happy.” “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” This last phrase points out an important aspect, the pursuit of happiness. There is no guarantee that it can be obtained. One of the common things I see is people spending most every waking moment seeking happiness. As if it is something out there to be gained or discovered. Perhaps this is a major contributor to the status of society.

Watch television for more than five minutes and you will see this idea confirmed. If I can only get the car, house, boat, job, relationship, salary increase; then life will be complete. I will lack nothing, at least until the next can’t-do-without product is available for purchase. The average adult now has more than 4 different careers in their lifetime. My father-in-law had one job from the time he was a teenager until retirement. Forty-two years at the same job. That’s almost unheard of now. It seems our society is more into the thought that if this job won’t bring about happiness, the next one will. If this relationship doesn’t bring about happiness, then a relationship with him or her will. If life in this tax bracket isn’t satisfying, then the next bracket up will be. It’s the same story over and over. Something out there will complete my life. It will fill the void.

What if the key to happiness rests internally? What if happiness can be learned?

This starts with the idea that happiness is up to me. My perspective of things will influence the results. My expectations affect the outcome.

So what is it about my life that brings me happiness? If I change my outlook from happiness being something out there to it resting internally, ask this; what am I grateful for in my life?  What are my successes or wins lately? When I focus too much on what else is out there, I neglect the things we currently possess. Going to the other extreme is also unhealthy. Spending too much time focusing on what used to be produces blurred vision about what is.

Focusing too much on the future or too much on the past, I will miss a lot of what is going on now. I think I have told every one of my clients at some point to slow down. We live life at a fast enough speed as it is. Sometimes speed only produces uncertainty. Did you realize that of all the species on the planet, humans are the only ones that when lost, speed up. All other animals will slow down or even sit down until they get their bearings before proceeding. Do you know where you really want to go? What is your vision for life?

If you have trouble answering the preceding questions, that’s where you should spend some time reflecting and searching. Take an inventory of your current life. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that drain you? Enjoy the things going on in life right now. Happiness can be learned, and it starts with what’s going on inside you now. Happiness is not something out there, its inside. Resting deep within your soul waiting to be tapped into. By slowing down and seeking what you really want, life will begin to be more aligned and then more full.

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It’s Alive, It’s Alive!

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“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who come alive.” -Harold Thurman Whitman

Have you ever asked yourself this question: What makes me come alive? What stirs my heart? My soul? My mind? If you are like I was up until about four years ago, I never asked myself these questions. I was under the impression that life was about going to work, working hard (or at least appearing to work hard), going home, watching TV, and going to bed only to get up and do it all over again the next day. For a while, life was all about surviving for the weekend when I could spend time with my wife and friends having fun. At least until the weekends became routine as well. Then I had vacations to look forward to, although they quickly became like the ones before. Now before you go thinking my life and my marriage was a total bore, ask yourself if you haven’t been in the same rut. I think you will find that we all have been there. Well, have I got good news for you (pardon the infomercial verbiage). It is possible to break free from this rut and take hold of life and all its pleasures.

Just like last week’s article, it starts with you. No one else can do this for you. What does make you come alive? Do you have a vision for the life you want? Or if this is too difficult of a question (in my experience as a therapist, for many people this question is too tough) do you have a vision for the life you don’t want? You can start there. List the things you don’t want in your life; jobs, places, tasks, beliefs, people, etc. If you will go through this process and honestly look at life, you will begin to create a life vision or mission.

About four years ago, I came to the realization that there was more to life than I was living. I could be more alive than I was. So I made the choice to change some things. And this change mainly involved my beliefs. I came to believe that there is more life to be lived. More pleasure to be had. More joy to be shared. More adventure to be experienced.

By focusing on the present, I began to enjoy life’s little moments. I began to worry less about what other people thought of me when I realized how seldom I thought about others and their appearance, status, relationships, and overall life. This freed me to focus more on myself. I recently came across a great saying which I have begun to adopt into my own life. I can practice more self care, but don’t be self-centered. It is alright to seek some of my own wants and desires, but I must not forget the fact that as much as I like to think the world revolves around me, it does not. A belief my wife and I are trying desperately to break our 2 year old from.

When I am freed to care for myself more, I can take charge of my life more effectively. This does however come at a price. If I hold too strongly to this mantra it may negatively impact the relationships I hold dear. This is where some balance has to come in, unless I don’t mind the possibility of being alone. Nothing in life worth having is easy. If you want a life that is more alive, or relationships that are more alive, there will be struggle. But the one thing life continues to teach is that the things we must struggle and fight for are worth more in the end.

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Is this all there is?

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The following is an article written by Dr. Allan for a couple of local newspapers. Look for more to be posted here in the coming weeks.
Have you ever wondered why there are times in life when it seems that you are simply coasting along? Throughout life, there are many tasks that must be undertaken in order to experience a life or relationship that is more alive. Granted there will be times when each of us may be bogged down with a particular event or stage in life (I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old in my house, needless to say, life right now is about them). Life has its natural ebbs and flows of emotion. But if you find yourself asking the preceding title question frequently, let me offer you some hope.
First, you are not alone. There are many, many people that have chosen to settle into their schedule driven life and have begun to believe that this is all there is for them and their loved ones. For many people, a routine life full of kid’s activities, homework, one week of family vacation per year, grocery lists, church meetings, carpool, etc. is enough for right now. What about later? When the kids are grown and out of the house (hopefully not boomeranging back). Have you planned that far in advance? Incidentally, did you know that the second most frequent period of relationships experiencing divorce is after the kids are out of the house? When you are forced to spend time with your spouse whom you may have avoided by “diving” into your kid’s life for all those years. You don’t have to wait that long (to change something, not get divorced).
Second, something can be done now that can begin the process of experiencing a life that is more fully alive. Experience a life full of passion, energy, love, adventure, and fun. It begins by asking yourself a series of simple questions: Would you want to be married to you? Would you want you as your father/mother? Would you want to work for you? Be friends with you? When we can honestly answer these questions, we have entered the beginnings of a life transforming process.
Far too often we want or expect those around us to change and accommodate us. We also may fall victim to the stagnating process of waiting for the other person to change before we respond. Let me explain by personalizing this. There have been times in my marriage when I have grown tired of the routine we have established of interacting, but I wait for my wife to do something different before I do. And to compound the issue, while I am waiting for her to read my mind, I get frustrated that she doesn’t respond fast enough or adequately to my unspoken expectations. Now I know how you may be responding to this; if she truly loved me and understood my needs, she should just know. If you are thinking this, you have fallen victim to the Hollywoodization of relationships. Just because you are in a marriage/committed relationship/close friendship/family does not mean that you cease to exist as an autonomous being. One with your own hopes and dreams and fantasies.

Having a life that is more fully alive, starts with you. By answering these questions honestly, you can begin to grow yourself into a better human. However, this does not come easily. This honest assessment of self and life is often accompanied by a spike in our levels of anxiety and discomfort. This is why we settle into the routine of life and don’t rock the boat. What I am proposing is that you have the willingness to stand up and address the things in your own life that get in the way of the life you want and in turn, take charge of your life and become more fully alive.
Over the coming weeks, I welcome you to this journey together. I also welcome your questions and comments along the way. Realize that this is a process, not a destination. A process filled with many unknowns and stressors, but also full of adventure and life. You can’t have one without the other.

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