Why Is Sex So Important to You?

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Post written by money and career columnist Dustin Riechmann of Engaged Marriage.

When is the last time you asked your spouse what sex really means to them?

While there are exceptions to every rule, there’s a good chance a husband and wife will have different feelings about sex and what makes it important to them.

In fact, it seems that our feelings toward sex are largely related to…well, our sexuality.

Generally speaking, men need to have sex to feel close to their mate, while women need to feel close to their mate to have sex.

Very funny, God.

Again, there are obviously marriages where these motivations aren’t the case, but for most of us, this sexual paradox is a very real part of our nature.  And if you ignore it, or misunderstand it, you could be setting up your marriage for some real strife.

It is vitally important that you understand your spouse’s thoughts and feelings around sexual intimacy.

If your wife views sex as a confirmation of your closeness, don’t you see why she needs intimacy and romance throughout the day before she’s really interested in getting together physically?

And if you really understand that your husband needs sex as a means to feel connected and close to you, doesn’t it help you understand why he can feel outright rejected when you roll over and tell him “no” after a long day?

Take 15 Minutes to Chat About It

There is unbelieveable power in spending just 1% of your day (15 minutes) sharing some intimate Couple Time with your spouse.

I challenge you to set aside 15 minutes each day for the next week to spend with your husband or wife free of distractions, and you’ll see the remarkable difference it will make in your marriage.

Would you like a better sex life? Yes, that’s a rhetorical question.

One way to make it happen is to spend one of your 15-minute periods together talking about it.  Tell your spouse what sex means to you and what makes it important to you.  Talk about your ideal frequency for sex in your marriage.  Then listen attentively as they share their thoughts with you.

Do not judge your spouse’s feelings on this subject.  It may drive you crazy that she says she just doesn’t feel “sexy” some nights even though you can’t look at her without being turned on.  And you may not understand how he can come home after “ignoring” you all day and feel like it’s high time for some passionate sex.

Men are different than women, particularly with regards to our motivations for sexual intimacy.  You cannot change that, but you need to be willing to work with this “insider” knowledge for the benefit of your marriage.

Control & Irresponsibility Rear Their Ugly Heads

One issue that is sure to arise during this conversation is the idea of control.  For years, my wife would dictate the time, place and frequency of our sexual relationship, and this tendency to control the sexual aspect of a marriage is pretty typical for women.

Likewise, you may find that your husband tends to be irresponsible when it comes to sex.  He may put all of the family planning responsibilities on your shoulders and not do his part to ensure that the environment (physically and emotionally) is prepared for your intimate time together.  Again, I have been guilty of this in our marriage.

There are some great, practical things that we can do to help address the whole control vs. irresonsibility issue, but for this 15-minute discussion you should simply be aware that these are major constraints in many marriages.

You’re not alone if you find you struggle at times with the issues of control and irresponsibility in your relationship, and particularly in your sex life.

Tips for Today’s Couple Time

  • Again, this is a sensitive topic and you need to be careful not to fall into the trap of using your Couple Time today to point blame at each other.  This is your time to learn more about your spouse and improve the intimacy in your marriage.
  • While your spouse isn’t likely to change based on a single 15-minute conversation, you can certainly take this opportunity to shift your own perspective.
  • Next time he initiates sex, think about what it means to him before you immediately throw up your Stop sign.  Consider how close she feels to you at the end of the day, and work at closing any perceived gaps in your daily intimacy.

If you’re ready for a better marriage, invest 15 minutes and go make it happen!

This exercise is adapted from one of the 28 easy 15-minute exercises in my new book:

15 Minute Marriage Makeover: Refresh Your Relationship, Add Sizzle to Your Sex Life & Be Happier in Just Minutes a Day.

It’s guaranteed to help you with your communication, romance, sex life and even your finances.  You can download two sample chapters for free at the link above if you’re not sure it’s for you.

As a thank you to the Simple Marriage community for welcoming me as a monthly columnist, I am giving you 25% off the e-book when you pick it up between now and Friday 5/20 at Noon CST. => Just enter the coupon code “simple” at checkout!

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Heads up husbands … 5 ways to ignite your wife’s passions

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Post written by Corey Allan

There are countless articles and websites filled with information on how to overcome sexual issues. There are techniques, tips and advice to be found from all manner of sources.

So what is it about sex that we struggle with so much?

And why does it always seem as if everyone else is having better sex?

The truth is, they’re probably not. They’re likely grappling with the same sexual issues as you.

Those who are truly experiencing better sex are typically further along in years, or further along in their relationship.

So take heart. Relax. There’s plenty of time to get there. But sexual satisfaction won’t happen by chance. There’s work to be done.

It’s amazing to me that sex can create such incredible emotional connections and orgasmic ecstasy, while at the same time it can just as easily create profound isolation, loneliness and shame.

It all boils down to this: sex is much more than an act. It’s a metaphor. How you do sex says a lot about how you do life, and how you do life says a lot about how you do sex.

I’m going to address the fellas in this post, so heads up.

Many married men timidly approach sex with their wives. From initiation to the actual sex act, men often fall victim to the “do what worked last time” philosophy.

They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wives without bringing up the subject, or they go through their day trying not to upset her out of fear she won’t want to have sex later. The problem with this is that they’re not really taking charge of their life, or of their relationship.

Let’s start with what turns a woman on. Ironically, when it comes to what turns a woman on, it’s the opposite of what most men think. The biggest mistake men make is in believing that women like the same things they do. Sorry fellas, but reaching over in the morning and grabbing a breast—while it may be a fairly clear signal to you—is usually not a way to ignite her passion; nor is it foreplay.

How a woman feels when she is with a man is the primary factor in whether or not she experiences attraction and sexual desire. And what she wants to feel is trust.

For the majority of women: trust = lust. If your wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with you, my guess is that you haven’t given her a reason to trust you, or that you’ve killed whatever trust she once had.

So how do you develop and maintain a high degree of trust in marriage? Basically, through your strength, your presence, your confidence and your integrity.

  1. Your strength. There’s a reason males are considered the stronger of the two genders. A man is often expected to provide protection, support and physical power. He’s expected to work hard, sweat, do the heavy lifting and to stick to it when times get tough. Play to these masculine strengths.
  2. Your presence. Your wife’s willingness to have sex is deeply dependent upon this. If you are 100 percent present when you are with her (even if your time together is limited), she will be satisfied. On a side note, I believe that 100 percent of your sexual energy should be focused within the relationship. Spending any percentage of it elsewhere leads down the slippery slope to breaking your partner’s trust.
  3. Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”
  4. Your integrity. The ability to consistently act with integrity is crucial in maintaining a deep sexual bond with your wife. This means that you always tell the truth, keep your word, follow through and have good boundaries.

Bonus point: 5. Have a plan. This isn’t about controlling a woman; it’s about giving her a choice. One of the worst things you can do is come home in the evening and ask, “What do you want to do tonight?” Instead, walk in the door and say, “Be dressed and ready to go to dinner by 7.” Give her the option of either following your lead or proposing an alternative. Don’t leave everything up to her. This same principle applies to the bedroom as well.

As a man, when you are present and share your mind, heart, humor, intellect, imagination, words, strength and even your dark side with your wife, you open her up to the fullness of your being. As she joins you in this state of openness, and opens herself up to you, she will take you places you can’t take yourself.

(photo source)

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Living according to what you hold dear

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Whenever I’ve run a post on pornography, both extremes are vocal in the comments. Several come out in favor of while others come out against. This post is a rewrite of a previous article from 2009.

In my experience as a marriage therapist, this topic comes up a lot. Most of the time, one spouse uses porn while the other spouse is against it and feels betrayed.

Interestingly, for the couples who used pornography as a tool or enhancement in the relationship, as therapy progresses, one or both of them didn’t really like the effects of it on themselves or the relationship. They were simply appeasing their partner’s desire.

Or put another way, they were trying to fit into a certain role in order to receive their partner’s love and affection.

While this is not true in every instance, more times than not, if we’re honest with ourselves, there are many things we do in relationship that go against the things we hold dear. It’s during these times that we are presented with a tremendous opportunity to grow, both as a individual and closer to another.

Allow me to explain where I’m coming from.

Marriage is designed to help us grow up – and growing up involves anxiety, discomfort, and sometimes pain.

Often, due to the cost of growth it’s easy to turn to other things in order to find relief and comfort.

One of the most common things turned to is sex.

Notice the paradox here, sex is turned to for relief and comfort of insecurities from wanting to be closer to a significant other, while it’s this closeness to the significant other that is increasing the anxiety and discomfort.

To wrap up our pornography discussion, porn is often used in lieu of dealing with the anxiety of exposing one’s sexual desires to one’s spouse – where it may or may not be well received. The solution involves making choices between equally anxiety provoking options – the anxiety of wanting sexual gratification versus the anxiety of wanting your partner.

Wanting always involves no guarantee that the one you want will want you back.

Pornography is directly correlated with lust – and lust cannot be satisfied with sex.

Whatever you focus on grows – lust is a great example. The more you pursue lust, the more intense it becomes, which is why it easily escalates to a higher level (violence, no strings attached sex, etc). It’s just like drugs – the more intensely the brain fires, the more drugs it takes to get to that level the next time.

Here’s where I’m coming from – I believe that pornography is destructive to myself and my relationships. I believe that my own struggle with pornography skewed my marriage and my life. This belief, which is largely based on my spiritual relationship with God, has led to me to work towards keeping porn out of my life and my marriage.

So what can you do if you find yourself in a relationship where something is present that you don’t want? This could be pornography, drugs, alcohol, even affairs.

  1. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. Let them know the things you hold dear. This involves putting more of yourself out there and being willing to have them agree or disagree.
  2. Realize that your partner’s actions and behaviors are a reflection of them, not you. Look at it this way, if you believe your spouse turned to porn in order to hurt you, why are you gratifying them by acting hurt. Their actions are about them, period.
    The issue for you then is no longer “How could they do this to me,” instead it becomes “If porn (or fill in the blank) is going to be part of their life, I’ve got to decide what I’m going to do.” The process of working through this is an act of self-definition: Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What kind of relationship do I want to be in?

This process is very powerful, but also painful.

The whole nature of marriage changes when you raise your emotional maturity level and grow up.

You can approach everything in marriage differently.

In a couple with low levels of emotional maturity, the agreements about what will go on in the relationship often mean that one person will give up something (in this case porn, but it could be drugs, alcohol, even extramarital affairs) in order to deprive their partner of whatever is given up.

For example, one person wants to be in a monogamous relationship so they give up extramarital sex in order to deprive their partner of sex with other people. It’s a classic exchange based agreement.

The only problem is that five years from now, when you (either partner) are ticked off, you turn to your partner and you say: “You owe me because it’s your fault I haven’t screwed anybody else. I gave it up for you.” The partner’s become emotionally fused.

At higher levels of emotional maturity, these agreements go like this: “I want to be in a monogamous relationship so I’m not having an affair. You don’t owe me for it. Because I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. Now if you have an affair, the only thing I ask is that you tell me.”

Monogamy, or more appropriately everything in the marriage, is no longer based on exchange and reciprocity. It results from a unilateral commitment to oneself.

You no longer feel controlled by your spouse. You relinquish your spouse as an extension of yourself and your own gratification.

And what happens, oddly enough, is that you end up having all the intimacy and eroticism, mystery and novelty that you can handle, and it’s right at home.*

*Schnarch, D. (1993). Treating affairs in the sexual crucible. Contemporary Sexuality. 27(9), 1-4.
(photo source)

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What’s your sexual potential? Or moving beyond sex as leftovers.

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Sex is a popular topic.

I’ve written on it many times.

Ways to ruin it. Mistakes men and women make during it. How to talk about it. The differences between sex and intimacy. And the idea that sex means something.

In light of the recent post on the dangers of pornography, I want to frame the discussion in a slightly different way.

What about your sexual potential?

Is it safe to say that many people reach a level of functioning in (or tolerating) their sex life and then cease to continue their development?

Yes!

Each of us will have sex up to a tolerable level of anxiety and this anxiety helps determine what unfolds during sex.

Dr. David Schnarch refers to it this way: Sex is made up of leftovers. When you got together with your spouse, you were able to decide whatever you thought was disgusting, sick or perverted that you didn’t want to do – your spouse was able to decide whatever they thought was disgusting, sick or perverted that they didn’t want to do – and you did whatever was leftover.

Never thought of it that way, right?

Hang with me. Where we’re headed is more than the act of sex itself, its a process of knowing and being known, and an act of growing a more solid sense of self.

Remember the first time you heard about french kissing? I’m willing to bet your first thought was it’s disgusting and the first time you experienced it you were likely filled with anxiety.

But over time, you became more comfortable and perhaps have even grown to enjoy it.

Sex is the same.

So, am I saying that you should do whatever you want when it comes to sex?

Yes. It’s completely up to you and your spouse.

Growth happens most when you stretch beyond what’s comfortable.

So sex becomes a great way to grow and create a great life because sex is actually a language.

How you live life is how you do sex, and how you do sex is how you live life.

So to further frame this discussion, look at it this way. When it comes to sex, couples in a committed relationship fall into three categories:

  • Dysfunctional sex
  • Functional sex
  • And the Blessed few

Granted, we each may get glimpses of categories beyond the one in which we reside but to take up residence in a higher category requires more … much more.

And before you plant yourself in the Blessed Few category, realize that those truly in the Blessed Few are likely not reading Simple Marriage … they’re too busy having great sex! :)

Here’s a bit more about each category, and notice that membership in each category has little to do with physical anatomy and more to do with your sense of self and connection with another:

Blessed few

This could also be viewed as a spirituality based or health model of sex (don’t necessarily read religion into this – it’s spiritual) which is very different than the traditional model of sexuality.

This view of sexuality is sex out of fullness (i.e. being known and knowing another) rather than sex out of emptiness. The most distinguishing characteristic of a spiritual based model of sexuality is passion and is mind/brain driven rather than biology or hormone driven.

Sex is enjoyable for both partners and is rarely a one-sided encounter. It involves the recognition of wanting and being wanted by your spouse rather than needing them. Spirituality based sex is more about the meanings attached to sex rather than the number of positions or orgasms.

Spiritual based sex would be sex as conceptualized by God rather than the devil. Ask yourself this: Looking at your sexual behavior would an observer conclude God or the devil invented sex.

Spiritual sex is based on mind and soul not on genitals.

With spiritually based sex there is a nice distance between the excitement threshold and the orgasmic threshold. And passion based sex not only tolerates but encourages a high level of eroticism. Those who operate at the this level can distinguish erotica from pornography.

Spiritual based sexuality pleases self as well as partner.

Passion based sex fosters improved levels of self-actualization and growing up.

And finally, few couples experience spiritually based sex on a regular basis. And many couples may never experience passion or spiritual based sex.

Functional sex

Functional sex is the sex that characterizes most committed relations (marriages) most of the time.

Functional sex is more likely to be need based and coming out of emptiness or partial emptiness (i.e. horniness, release, anxiety). It is characterized as wanting sex rather than wanting your spouse.

Most often one partner is dominated by the desire for the sexual act and the release of sexual tension while the other is merely accommodating.

Sadly many couples are too willing to settle for functional sex and may spend a life time never or rarely experiencing passionate sex.

Dysfunctional sex

Dysfunctional sex is absent of passion, fun, love, and appreciation. It also kills the desire for the other person as the act is mechanical, routine, or scripted.

This category doesn’t necessarily mean there’s some sort of sexual function problem (ED, premature ejaculation, low to no desire, etc.), dysfunctional sex also is the result of poorly differentiated partners. Due to both partners low level of differentiation (development and emotional maturity) the sex act is often not worth the effort and it is often characterized by overwhelming anxiety by one or both partners so much of the act is spent trying to get the other in the mood.

Dysfunctional sex is often very paradoxical in that it may result from the absence of meaningful connections or fusion between the partners. If there is no real human connection, there will be an inadequate excitement phase during the sexual response cycle for one or both partners. Or if the couple is fused (i.e., no separateness) there will be inadequate excitement because there is no separateness.

Couples that are too close will expect joint ownership of each others genitals thus no one has their own genitals so the sex act loses its meaning. It takes two mature, well differentiated, individuals who own their own genitals to create passion.

Many people never use committed relationships to grow more basic self to the point that they can be passionate.

But don’t lose hope. You can use your marriage to help you grow up.

You can unlock your sexual potential and create a great life and marriage at the same time.

What do you think … interested in more on this idea?

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3 Reasons to Beware of Porn

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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D. of Love You, Hate the Porn.

Today’s twenty-somethings have been exposed to more pornography, and research is showing that they’ve become more accepting of it.

I heard from a young woman the other day who didn’t get why I was anti-porn. “It’s a great way for my fiancé, to meet his needs when I’m not in the mood. I don’t want him to keep bugging me if I’m not into it that night. And he shouldn’t just have to ‘deal’ with frustration, either.”

What’s not to love about porn?

It may seem helpful enough now, but I’m convinced that couples like this will pay a price for their casual acceptance of porn.

I remember when a group named Science in the Public Interest made a stink about an unhealthy, formerly unpublicized, very tasty ingredient in movie theater popcorn: Coconut oil.

Problem is it will clog our arteries for the same reason we keep going back for refills: it’s loaded with the most addictive kind of fat.

Porn is like movie theater popcorn laced with heroin.

It’s up to us to decide whether or not we’re going to consume it, but let’s at least understand what it does to us:

1. Porn ruins real sex.

The woman from the couple above said that her fiancé prefers real sex when he can have it. Unfortunately, even if he prefers flesh-and-blood sex with her now, the scale may tip as he keeps using porn.

The high of infatuation fades over time in a relationship. Why diminish attraction even more by exposing ourselves to a parade of alternative sex objects? Study after study has demonstrated that viewing pornography diminishes research subjects’ attraction to and satisfaction with their real-life partners.

I see it all the time in my practice: One client knew her husband was back into porn because he never wanted to make love to her. Another client, a porn-addicted young man, found that sex with his girlfriend was only exciting when he imagined they were being filmed.

2. Porn fails to satisfy.

Prolactin is one of the feel-good chemicals that comes in like the tide after lovemaking and leaves us contented and more attached to our partner.

In a study at the University of Paisley, some subjects had sex with their partner; others masturbated to porn. Afterward, there was 400% more prolactin in the bloodstream of the subjects who had made love.

Mitch sought my help because he felt trapped by porn, and he didn’t like what it was doing to his life. “I get fed up and try to stay away. But then some part of me wants to explore again. I think, ‘Okay, I’ll look for a few minutes. Then I get hooked in and stay at it.

Later, looking back on the time I spent, it feels so empty. Before, when I was with a girl and the attraction was mutual, I was happy to just be with her. Life was an exciting adventure. Now, with the porn, life’s just bland. I get on the computer and look something up. That’s as special as it gets.”

3. Porn kills confidence.

A client complained to me: “I get a gross feeling in the morning from being so exhausted from looking at porn the night before. I’m disgusted with myself. It sets my day off on the wrong foot. I go about my business and pretend I’m fine, but inside something feels amiss.”

The other day another client concluded, “Porn has played a part in my being afraid of real women. When I can get on the computer and look at any woman, it makes me look past real women. Now, if I bump into a beautiful girl, I may think, ‘She’s pretty,’ but there’s not the same pull, the same electricity that I used to feel. Now the only way I can get that intense attraction is from porn. It makes me not trust my reactions to women, so I’m gun-shy. I used to feel better when I got more aroused by my imagination instead of looking at a computer screen.”

There are lots of couples like our first one out there.

I’m sure some are open to the possibility that porn may not be good for them or for their relationship. If you’re one of them, please remember: there’s heroin in that popcorn.

Read more from Mark on his site Love You, Hate the Porn.

(photo source)

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30 Ways to be Intimate With Your Wife

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Post written by Sean Platt of Writer Dad.

Intimacy can be defined in many ways.

But if you’re a dude, your brain probably went exactly where mine would have; the nape of a neck, the curve of a breast, or…

Sorry, where was I?

Truth is, intimacy isn’t what happens between the sheets. Intimacy means fostering a warm, friendly, informal atmosphere that makes is easy to share mutual interests, habits or affections.

Sex equals intimacy, but intimacy doesn’t necessarily equal sex.

Intimacy with your spouse should be the breath of your relationship. Yes, intimacy should include physical touch and carnal pleasure, but it must also be a core value that leads you to a deeper understanding of your partner.

Nurture your intimacy and you will have a union that is happier, healthier, and filled with surprises. Get to know your best half a little better and remind her that she’s the center of your universe. Gather insight into her interests outside of the bedroom and you might be surprised at what happens once the door is closed.

Here are 30 ways to be intimate with your wife. Start today and by this time next month you’ll be making the neighbors jealous.

  1. Have a Picnic: Whether you have a picnic at the park, beach, or living room floor, sharing a blanket full of food is a simple yet terrific way to enhance intimacy. You could be sitting beneath a cloud-filled sky dreaming of what will one day be, or in front of the fireplace reveling in silence – the one-one-one without the usual distractions will reinforce the idea that all you need is each other.
  2. Take her to the ballet: Maybe your wife isn’t the theater type. But if ballet, opera or anything on the stage is something she would enjoy, two tickets for an evening at the theater will show how much you care. Ballet or opera probably aren’t for, but it isn’t about you. Buying tickets shows an active interest in her.
  3. Book a room at a local bed and breakfast: This is a low maintenance way to experience the benefits of time away without emptying your bank account. Lavish your lover with a romantic evening and a leisurely breakfast, and let someone else do all the heavy lifting.
  4. Send flowers to work: Take it from me, a guy who worked in a flower shop for 12 years. Women LOVE getting flowers, especially at work. Having flowers delivered to your wife’s workplace will make the women around her jealous. Imagine what that might do for you.
  5. Surprise her: Leave an hour early from work and have a nice dinner prepared when she gets home. Schedule a babysitter for the kids if you need to, but make the evening about the two of you.
  6. Prepare a gift basket full of romantic items: Your wife works hard. Sometimes all she wants is a break. Give her what she needs with a basket brimming full of bath salts, chocolates, bubble bath and scented candles. The basket does the hard work for you, providing her with a calm, relaxing (and accessible) escape from reality.
  7. Make a romantic memory scavenger hunt: I’m sure you remember back when you first started dating and intimacy wasn’t a problem. Create a scavenger hunt built around your personal histories; your first kiss, first I love you!, or any old moment worth reliving. She’ll love the memories!
  8. Give her public praise: Just as sending flowers to her workplace will build her self esteem and help her see you in a softer light, even when you’re not around, praising her in public, whether she’s present or not, will do the same – especially when she hears others repeating your words back to her.
  9. Make her breakfast in bed: It’s cliché, but you can never go wrong with breakfast in bed (as long as you don’t burn anything or settle for cold cereal!).
  10. Do your chores (and hers): Surprise her by completing a stray chore or lingering home project that’s been laying unfinished for too long. Chipping in shows her you don’t take her for granted. Whether you’re helping to potty train your toddler, or finally finishing building the deck, your extra set of hands won’t go unnoticed.
  11. Maintain eye contact: Great eye contact sends the signal that your partner’s words are important to you. It shows your interest and affection. This will make your wife feel valued.
  12. Talk about your goals, then record them together: Discuss what you want for your collective future, then write those goals and set a date to re-evaluate them every six months. This will this make a great date night, but more importantly, it will establish a tradition of bonding that will keep you growing as a couple.
  13. Give her a seven second kiss: No need to hurry. Give her the same lingering lips you once did, back before she did all your laundry and you mailed all the bills.
  14. Be a better listener: Intimacy is about understanding and appreciating your wife’s desires and interests. Being a better listener means more than not watching TV while she’s talking, it’s about caring enough to ask the questions that will fertilize the conversation.
  15. Have a mini-honeymoon: Make time to get away for a long weekend. How long has it been since the two of you spent significant time alone together? Chances are, you’re overdue. Choose a special spot to get away from it all, and use your time to learn a little more about each other.
  16. Have manners: Be a gentleman. This may not seem like a big deal, but courtesy might be a bigger turn on for your Mrs. than you realize. Don’t let chivalry die on your watch; open the door, pull out her chair and by all means, use the manners your mama gave you.
  17. Let her rest: When the kids rise in the middle of the night, or are up first thing Sunday morning, take the initiative to lead the family toward quiet. Bonus points if you take her out to breakfast when she wakes up!
  18. Put her goals first: If your wife wants to go back to school, make sure she has the chance. Whether she wants to learn sewing or scuba diving, give her time to learn and grow herself. If your wife feels like she’s growing as a woman and person, she will be happier and healthier – so will your entire family.
  19. Write a mission statement: Take the time to write the expectations for your marriage and family. Sitting down and sharing goals is an extremely intimate experience. Deciding where to take your family together is the first step in getting where you’ve always wanted to go.
  20. Renew your wedding vows: You can’t do this one often, but it’s guaranteed to carry a lot of capital when you do!
  21. Ask your wife about her fears: Find out what makes her most insecure. This might even be uncomfortable, but only for a bit, and true intimacy is sometimes built by asking tough questions. Schedule a romantic dinner. Then ask what makes her sad and listen to her every word. Offer suggestions when appropriate, but it’s most important to simply listen.
  22. Alleviate her fears: Find ways to alleviate her fears and insecurities. Use your new knowledge to help your wife find a better outlook. Let her know you are there to put her first and protect her forever.
  23. Put her first: Value your wife above everyone else and make sure she knows how you feel. Your friends will always be around, your parents are family, but your wife should feel like she’s the most important person in your orbit.
  24. Court her: Remember how easy intimacy seemed before you said, “I do!” Intimacy doesn’t end after you get married, but it’s up to you to bring it back. You’ve caught her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t ever want to be chased.
  25. Spend quality time together: Invite her for some quality alone time. Mark it on the calendar and don’t let anything get in the way. She deserves the attention and will appreciate having it.
  26. Write love letters: Making your feelings permanent with ink will go a long, long way. You don’t have to be Shakespeare to express your affection. Write from your heart. She will love it.
  27. Show her intimacy without expectation: Show her how much you love her without wanting anything in return. She will likely give you things you weren’t even asking for.
  28. Make her feel noticed: Let her know she looks beautiful when she takes the time to look pretty. Humans crave attention, you’re wife’s no different. Pay attention when she goes the extra mile and compliment her as often as possible.
  29. Recreate your first date: Tell your wife you’re taking her out, but don’t tell her where you’re going. You may be inhibited by time or geography, but do your best to recreate the experience of your first date together.
  30. Take dancing lessons: Not only is this fun and intimate, taking dancing lessons together will ultimately lead to the two of you going out and practicing what you learned – then returning home electrified.

Intimacy is more than a physical desire; it’s learning who your lover is on a deeper, more emotional level; discovering her interests and affections, and learning to appreciate the same things, at least on some level.

Take a month, try some of these ideas.

See how much more there is to learn about the person you thought could no longer surprise you.

Intimacy is a process, not an event, and it doesn’t end with marriage. Find it and you’ve found the golden goose that will lay golden eggs forever.

Sean Platt is a happy dad and ghostwriter who helps good writers make a great living. Follow him on Twitter.

(photo source)

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Men and Women and a string of Christmas Lights

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I stumbled across this statement the other day and wondered what your reaction would be.

When it comes to sexual interest for men and women, it’s been compared to a string of Christmas lights.

For women, if one light is out (some small thing amiss in the relationship) then all the lights go out (and no sex). Men are the kind that stay on (and ready for sex) no matter how many bulbs are out.

What do you think?

(photo source)

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