Secrets of Marriage

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In Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project she compiles a list of truisms about life as an adult – The Secrets of Adulthood.

While marriage is best when it involves two grown ups, relationships often have slightly different rules and truths.

So what are the Secrets of Marriage?

Here’s what I’ve come up … add your thoughts in the comments.

  • It helps tremendously if you can laugh at yourself.
  • Women really do enjoy flowers and chocolates.
  • The quality of sex ebbs and flows.
  • Laughter really does cure a lot.
  • The same result does occur if you keep doing the same thing.
  • Worries can be self-fulfilling prophesies. Let them go.
  • Conflict will happen.
  • Expectations are planned disappointments.
  • Little things are the things you love the most.
  • Learning more about anatomy really improves sex.
  • It’s easy to be infected by your spouse’s mood, but you can only change yours.
  • By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
  • Most decisions don’t require extensive research.
  • The days are long, but the years are short.
  • Happiness doesn’t always make you feel happy.
  • What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
  • You don’t have to be good at everything.
  • What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.
  • It’s okay to ask for help.

Your turn.

 

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Don’t bother rekindling your marriage … create something new

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.

Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.

The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.

Wrong.

Life is not lived backwards.

Our past is important.

Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.

While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.

The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.

When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).

As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.

You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).

What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.

Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.

On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.

This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.

What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.

Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:

1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that  Oxytocin a boost.

2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.

3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.

Got any more to add? Share them in the comments.

(photo source)

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A Simple Acronym for a Better Marriage

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Post written by Fawn Weaver of Happy Wives Club.

Acronyms are great reminders to do something we otherwise might forget.

Businesses and government agencies often use acronyms to ensure consumers will remember them. IBM. AOL. AT&T. NASA. IHOP.

I don’t know what A&W stands for, but I do know they make wonderful cream soda.

In marriage, there is an acronym I’ve found to be the most effective in helping a couple grow in love, become more patient with each other and remove common frustrations within most relationships.

A.E.O.D: Accept Each Other’s Differences

You may not know me, but I’m a bit of a klutz.

I stumble over my own feet, run into walls, and step on my husband’s toes often. For the first few years of our marriage, it got so bad that he’d brace himself whenever I came near. I also pace in front of the television and yell at the players on my favorite team. I’m not a fan of the word no or the phrase “you’re wrong” and can list many instances in which I did not respond well to either.

What I just described about myself is the polar opposite of my husband.

He’s calm, collected, rational, reasonable, well-spoken, and never, ever says anything without thinking about it first. He’s a diplomat who weighs all sides of an issue prior to addressing it. He has great poise (doesn’t ever run into walls) and enjoys sports but is never fully invested in the outcome of the game. He loves feedback and can accept positive or negative types. And he doesn’t mind being proven wrong.

However, he can sit in front of a television for hours watching back-to-back episodes of Mecum Auto Auction or Landscapers’ Challenge.

“Really?” I’ve asked. “Are you kidding me? Didn’t you just see a garden that looked just like that in the last episode?”

He unwinds by doing random internet searches on topics like, “What happened to Ralph Macchio?” or “Where’s Tutti from Facts of Life?” He’d also rather spend Sunday morning waxing his car or pulling weeds than relaxing on the couch.

When my husband and I first married, we couldn’t have been more different. But through the years we have morphed into one another’s likeness.

The transformation is amazing to watch.

We still have a lot of differences, but we have found ourselves sharing more similarities with each passing day.

And because we’ve chosen to accept each other’s differences, our differences don’t annoy me as much since I understand they are a part of who he is. They are part of what makes him uniquely him.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that the qualities that make our spouses different – are also what make them great.

So the next time your spouse does something different from the way you would, rather than stewing, try considering how the action makes them special.

Marvel in the unique characteristics of your husband or wife and accept them.

And remember … marriage is not a sprint, it’s a well-run marathon.

Today, I run into fewer walls, step on my husband’s toes less frequently, can stomach the word no and the phrase “you’re wrong,” and only yell at the Spurs when they are in the NBA playoffs or finals—giving up the game!

It’s not perfect, but for me, it’s growth.

You can read more from Fawn on her site, Happy Wives Club.

(photo source)

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Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver

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Post written by Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems.

All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

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Know Your Spouse’s Preferences

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Post written by Matthew of www.Adventure-Some.com.

Quick, what do you know about your spouse’s likes and dislikes?

You know, concrete facts like what size shirt do they wear? Pants? Shoes? Do you know their favorite flower or favorite brand of chocolate (or if not chocolate, what is their favorite type of treat?)

I’ve learned just how helpful knowing these little bits of information can be.

My wife pointed out a shirt that she liked while we were perusing the store and I made note of it. Later I went back to pick it up as a surprise gift.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure what size she wore. After spending a few minutes debating I admitted defeat and headed home empty-handed. And that’s when I realized that I needed to always know those little details about my wife.

While this might be especially useful information with the gift-giving holidays closing in on us, it is always important to know.

Your Secret Weapon

Fortunately, you can now always have this information readily at hand. Never again will you have to doubt if you purchased the correct item. And all you need is a simple list. Whether you prefer carrying a physical piece of paper or adding a note to your phone, you can always be prepared.

All you need is about 10 minutes of quick research. First, make a list of the information that you might find useful (you can borrow from the one below).

shirt size -
pants size -
shoe size -
bra size -
dress size -
hat size -
favorite color -
favorite candy -
favorite flower -
favorite author -
allergies -

Now take a few minutes to answer those questions. You can ask directly or just go and check out the tags on stuff in the closet.

Once you have your list filled out, you are ready. Tuck it into your wallet, your purse, or just save that note on your phone. No longer will you have to worry that you might buy the wrong size or a less-than-preferred treat.

Revel in your new gift-giving capabilities and bless your spouse!

Read more from Matthew and his writing about adventures in life and marriage at www.Adventure-Some.com.

(photo source)

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5 Benefits Of Exercise For A Healthy Marriage

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Post written by Melanie Thomassian of Dietriffic.

We all know that staying healthy and fit has enormous benefit, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

But, did you ever stop to consider that being fit and healthy can contribute to a healthier, more satisfying marriage as well?

Why? Well, we tend to be better partners, and often more enjoyable people to spend time with, when we are healthy, fit and active.

Here are just some of the ways being healthier can improve your relationship with your partner.

1. Increased Energy

People who are active and fit on a regular basis tend to have more energy, and enthusiasm, to bring to their life.

That means you will have more spirit and liveliness to share, and this can bring a new sense of vitality to your relationship.

2. Increased Self-Confidence

Contrary to popular opinion, we don’t get self-esteem from having people tell us how great we are.

It comes from accomplishing things that are important to us. But also from having an inner peace about those things that happen outside of our control.

Being fit shows us that we can indeed overcome obstacles and reach goals, and gives us a sense of power in determining our circumstances.

These feelings of self worth carry over into our relationship, too.

People with better self esteem tend to have fewer problems with jealousy, and a lesser need to control others.

This translates to a freer and stronger marriage all-round.

3. Exercising Together Fosters Closeness

Couples who work out together often find that they become closer emotionally.

Whether it’s long walks at the park, or working out at the gym, exercising with your spouse in this way means you are accomplishing a difficult task together.

This can strengthen your emotional bond as a couple, and gives you a chance to spend more time together, too.

4. Improved Intimacy

The added energy and improved body image which comes from being fit and healthy often leads to a greater sense of physical intimacy.

Again, this adds a greater sense of closeness with your partner, and further strengthens that bond between you both.

5. Reduced Stress

Stress overload is a real killer of both physical and emotional intimacy.

Fortunately however, research shows us that those who workout regularly are better able to handle the normal daily stresses, which we all face.

Regular exercise also helps to improve your mood, and tends to reduce the fight or flight response to stress. This means less chance of getting into unnecessary arguments.

To put all of this in context, we are generally better people to be around when we are fit, healthy and happy.

This can only add up to a healthier and happier marriage long-term.

Even better, if you pursue your fitness goals with your partner, you can add a significant source of bonding and shared experience to your union.

Why not sit down with your spouse to set some fitness goals, which you can work on together, as you strive to become a healthier and happier couple?

Staying healthy and fit is one of the best things you can do for your marriage — so, what are you going to do about this today?

Melanie Thomassian is a registered dietitian, health writer, busy wife, and mum. Her goal is to promote good health and better lifestyles in the online community. For more healthy eating tips check out her blog.

(photo source)

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Should you have the goal of “I just want to be happy?”

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No.

It’s too vague and elusive.

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5 Good Reasons Couples Should Cook Together

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Post written by Rachael of Kitchen Courses.

For most people, cooking is the means to an end.

It’s often one of those things we all do so often that it can begin to feel like a chore.

Aside from what you make or how long it takes, cooking together has its benefits and can certainly strengthen any relationship, no matter if you’re a home cook extraordinaire or an expert at dialing for takeout.

Here are five good reasons to make the time to get cooking with your partner:

1. The two of you will get some quality alone time in.

Whether you’re dating, newlyweds, or are in the full swing of marriage, getting alone time with your significant other is a nice change of pace from any average meal time. Plus, contrary to eating out at a restaurant, cooking together is time to interactively engage.

Have kids? Call in a babysitter or plan to eat late once they’ve gone to bed – cooking together without distractions will create an experience that you can both remember fondly and gives you some good time to connect. What’s better than alone time with your loved one? Alone time with good food and a loved one.

2. You’ll build teamwork in your relationship.

Learn to rely on each other and work together towards a common goal.

Either choose one dish and divide up the tasks or divide up multiple dishes that each of you can be responsible for. You’ll have an opportunity not only to have a good time together, but to see how well you can problem solve. You’ll be able to use this as a good representation of how you can work together as a team outside of the kitchen.

3. A connection will be formed over learning together and trying new things.

There’s nothing more exciting than taking on a new skill, and what’s better than showing each other a thing or two in the process? You’ll both improve your skills in the kitchen, by watching, doing, and learning.

Whether its one of your first few times in the kitchen or it’s on a dish you’ve never made before, you’ll be able to connect over the experience and who knows – you might find a mutual interest to keep coming back to for regular activities to do together!

4. You’ll be encouraged to have fun and be romantic!

How often do we forget to have a good time without scheduling it in? Take the time to cook together and make the experience the exciting part by grabbing a glass of wine, turning up the tunes for an impromptu dance party, and putting your skills to good use. Make the most of your time in the kitchen and date night will never feel the same!

5. You can be proud of what you’re eating.

When you know the ingredients and effort that’s gone into your dish, you’ll feel that much more satisfied eating it. Chances are high that if you’ve made it at home, it’s a lot healthier than anything you can eat at a restaurant so you can feel good about choosing a quiet night at home. Plus, you can be proud of your own effort and your partner’s.

Whether you make a four course meal or throw together a simple salad for dinner, when you’re making meals together as a couple, what’s important is the time you spend together, not the food itself. Make some time this week to spend an hour or so getting in the kitchen and crafting up a dish that will be delicious and help strengthen your relationship.

Rachael is the blogger behind Kitchen Courses and is the author of How to Cook For Yourself: A Complete Beginner’s Guide. She writes about her passion for food, eating well while saving money, and inspires people to get familiar with their kitchens and cook for themselves.

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