I just want to be happy

Written by · 11 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan.

Every person seeks happiness.

You hear it all the time, “I just want to be happy.”

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” This last phrase points out an important aspect, the pursuit of happiness. There is no guarantee that it can be obtained.

One of the common things I see is people spending most every waking moment seeking happiness. As if it is something out there to be gained or discovered.

Perhaps this is a major contributor to the state of our society.

Watch television for more than five minutes and you will see this idea confirmed.

If I can only get the car, house, boat, job, relationship, salary increase; then life will be complete. I will lack nothing, at least until the next can’t-do-without product is available for purchase.

The average adult now has more than 4 different careers in their lifetime. My father-in-law had one job from the time he was a teenager until retirement. Forty-two years at the same job. That’s almost unheard of now.

It seems our society is more into the thought that if this job won’t bring about happiness, the next one will.

If this relationship doesn’t bring about happiness, then a relationship with him or her will.

If life in this tax bracket isn’t satisfying, then the next bracket up will be.

It’s the same story over and over. Something out there will complete my life.

It will fill the void.

What if the key to happiness rests internally?

What if happiness can be learned?

This starts with the idea that happiness is up to me.

My perspective of things will influence the results.

My expectations affect the outcome.

So what is it about my life that brings me happiness?

If I change my outlook from happiness being something out there to it resting internally, ask this:

What am I grateful for in my life?

What are my successes or wins lately?

When I focus too much on what else is out there, I neglect the things I currently possess.

Going to the other extreme is also unhealthy. Spending too much time focusing on what used to be produces blurred vision about what is.

Focusing too much on the future or too much on the past, I will miss a lot of what is going on now.

I think I have told every one of my clients at some point to slow down.

We live life at a fast enough speed as it is.

Sometimes speed only produces uncertainty.

Did you realize that of all the species on the planet, humans are the only ones that when lost, speed up. All other animals will slow down or even sit down until they get their bearings before proceeding.

Do you know where you really want to go?

What is your vision for life?

If you have trouble answering the preceding questions, that’s where you should spend some time reflecting and searching. Take an inventory of your current life. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that drain you?

Enjoy the things going on in life right now.

Happiness can be learned, and it starts with what’s going on inside you now.

Happiness is not something out there, its inside.

Resting deep within your soul waiting to be tapped into.

By slowing down and seeking what you really want, life will begin to be more aligned and then more full.

(photo source)

11 comments, add yours

Don’t analyze your wife

Written by · 23 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

Alright fellas … if you’re anything like me, you’ve fallen victim to analyzing your wife’s emotions or problems in hopes of “fixing” them.

This likely comes from the caring parts of you – but it’s not going to work.

Sure, this works for us men.

We are masters at analyzing a situation then changing whatever needs to be changed to remove the unnecessary pain of the situation.

Perhaps you’ve had a time at work where you were unhappy until you realized that your boss or coworker was taking advantage of you. You then determined that the best way to handle this problem is to be upfront and say something to your boss. You mustered up the guts, tell your boss what you think (not in an offensive or aggressive manner), and it’s over.

Problem solved.

You have also likely applied this same approach with your wife.

You realize there’s something you’re not happy about with your wife, so you muster the guts to tell her. You get it off your chest.

You then think maybe she wants something more or different from you, so after you tell her what you want from her you ask, “What do you want from me?”

This seems fair to a man. Right?

But it’s not.

It’s a no-win situation for a wife.

Why?

Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself.

She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his love, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

A fundamental aspect of the feminine’s desire is to not have to figure things out for her man and guide him in his own life. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction and choices.

There are times when she wants to help you figure things out, but far more often she wants to feel your presence and love without having to tell you what she wants.

Imagine it’s your wife’s birthday. If it were your birthday you’d love it if she would do anything you wanted – so you think she’d like that too. You say, “For your birthday today, we will do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll even do anything for you. So what do you want to do?”

The problem, this is the opposite of most women’s ideal birthday gift.

Most women would be far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got an hour to pack your bags. Don’t ask where we’re going, but we’ll be gone the entire weekend. Everything is taken care of. You simply need to pack your bags and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday present you’ve ever had.”

This would speak to the deepest part of her feminine core.

The part that wants to be able to relax and surrender knowing that she is taken care of and showered with your love. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan everything or analyze every option to decide which one is best.

One of the best ways you can serve your wife is by helping her surrender to the force of love so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is and give this love which naturally flows from her essence.

So fellas, be full in your loving … so strong and stable in your presence with her that she can simply let go and surrender.

She likely has to be in her masculine enough throughout the day, taking care of a career, or kids, or a home … don’t make her have to do the same with you.

With you, let her be what the feminine is … pure energy, pure motion, and pure love.

23 comments, add yours

6 tips for self-soothing in marriage

Written by · 13 Comments

calm, relax

Post written by Corey Allan

There are many things that produce stress and tension in marriage.

Could be routine and schedules packed to the brim.

Could be the lack of passion.

Or there’s the miscommunications.

It could also be simply a look or reaction from your spouse.

A lot of our anxiety comes from our expectations and beliefs about relationships.

Many people fall victim to the “if you love me you’ll give up what you want and do what I want” dynamic. Others may fall into the give to get trap.

Regardless of whether or not these or other unhealthy dynamics are present in your marriage, the question is what will you do about it?

Self examination and self reflection in marriage can be difficult and painful.

It can produce agitation, short fuses, a low threshold for emotions. It can also lead to arguments, tension, and distance between you.

But, one of the best, and most loving things you can do in marriage is grow up. And a great step in the growing direction is learning how to quiet and calm yourself in the midst of difficulty and discomfort.

When you are more about to hold onto yourself you can then lean into the conflict in order to create something better … namely, a better you.

Here are some tips to help keep you focused during these times:

  1. Give your dilemma meaning. It’s amazing how much more pain and discomfort we can tolerate when give things and different meaning. Rather than seeing struggles in your relationship as something your spouse is doing to you, focus on trying to change your own life. Hopefully the belief that marriage is designed to grow us up into better people helps make better meanings of our struggles.
  2. If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior. Stop talking. Concentrate on your breathing. Lower your heart rate. Lower your volume and relax your body. If you find yourself saying, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but …” take your own advice.
  3. Don’t take your spouse’s behavior (or lack of response) personal. No sense making things harder than they have to be. Focus on increasing a more solid sense of self.
  4. Calming down may mean you break contact. Taking a break is a successful strategy, provided it’s a break and not an avoidance. Take the time to self-soothe and recharge, not veg out and disengage completely. One thing that helps ensure it’s just a break is offer to schedule a time to reconnect when you break.
  5. Use time apart from your spouse effectively. Use time apart to replenish yourself. Exercise, read, create something, spend time in a hobby, do something productive. Outside interests can calm and refuel you, depending on how you use them. Note: Time spent apart commiserating about marital issues with friends isn’t really time apart from your spouse.
  6. Stop negative mental tapes. Humans are great at replaying thoughts from childhood and past experiences. Take a moment and break the pattern by focusing on your surroundings: you’re not a child anymore, you’re also not in the same state of relationship as before … truth is you’ve grow, matured, evolved. So has your spouse. Be present. Sort through your thoughts and emotions and breathe in and out.

Calming yourself and working through issues in marriage is the process of growth at work. Not every strategy will work in every situation. The point is, discover what helps you stay involved and connected.

Avoiding a situation in marriage and life is a terrible form of self-soothing. In the end, you end up less developed with less of a relationship.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

13 comments, add yours

6 Benefits of Eating Dinner Together at the Table

Written by · 8 Comments

buttery zucchini & ground beef

Post written by Jules Clancy of Stonesoup.

The couple that eats together stays together.

The original statement may have actually been related to prayer, but to my mind at least, it holds equally true when it comes to the evening meal.

When life gets busy, it can be easy to slip into the rut of eating on the run and neglecting to take time to sit down together. Yet this is something we should be striving to avoid. There are a whole host of benefits that comes with taking the time to eat dinner together, at the table.

It need not be anything fancy. Or require one of you to spend hours slaving away in the kitchen. The benefits of eating together are there to be had regardless of the quality of your food. Takeaway pizza shared at the table can be just as beneficial as a home cooked meal.

As long as you clear away distractions and make the time to focus on each other, and of course the food.

1. Eating together helps you connect.

It can be difficult to reach out and nurture you relationship if you aren’t spending enough time together. We need to eat every day. So if you make a point of eating together, you will automatically be creating the shared time so critical for ensuring you don’t drift apart.

2. Eating together provides an opportunity to practice gratitude.

In my house we have recently started a habit of sharing at least one thing we’re thankful for before we start eating. Just one thing, no matter how small. It’s amazing how scanning through your day looking for the positive makes you realise how lucky you are. It’s not often that we only have one thing to share.

Another positive outcome is when something good happens during my day, I now make a special mental note to remember to share it at dinner. It’s a great positive conversation starter as well.

3. Eating together helps you relax.

After a long day at the office, we can all benefit from the simple pleasure of preparing and enjoying our evening meal. No only does it give you a chance to unwind from the day, it prepares you for a well earned, rejuvenating sleep.

4. Eating together encourages mindful eating.

By sharing a meal, and actually taking the time to talk about what you’re experiencing in terms of flavours and textures, you are both more likely to be mindful of your food, rather than wolfing it down. This leads to further benefits such as reduced over eating, improved digestion and increased enjoyment of food.

5. Eating together improves nutrition

I know when I’m cooking and eating by myself, I put far less effort into my meals. When I’m cooking for two, I’m far more likely to plan something nutritious and go to the effort of making a side salad or some extra vegetables.

6. Eating together is fun!

One of life’s greatest pleasures is sharing good food and wine with the one you love. Life is too short to miss out on this simple joy and all the good things it can bring to our relationships.

If that inspires you to get a bit creative in the kitchen, I’ve included a recipe for one of my favourite simple mid-week suppers. Enjoy!

Buttery Zucchini with Ground Beef
serves 2

I love the texture of ground beef when it’s been well cooked and crispy on the edges. Melting, buttery zucchini makes a wonderful contrast for a modern take on meat & veg. Pork, lamb or chicken would be equally lovely.

450g (1lb) ground beef
4 medium zucchini, sliced into thin rounds
1-2 teaspoons dried chilli, optional
fresh lemon, to serve

1. Heat a few tablespoons olive oil in a large frying pan.

2. Cook beef over medium high heat, stirring for a minute or so.

3. Add zucchini and continue to cook stirring every now and then.

4. When the meat is well browned and the zucchini is soft and buttery remove from the heat.

5. Squeeze over 2-3 tablespoons lemon juice. Taste and season generously with salt & pepper.

Jules Clancy is a qualified Food Scientist and the creator of The Stonesoup Virtual Cookery School. She blogs about simple 5 ingredients recipes that can mostly be prepared in 10 minutes over at Stonesoup.

8 comments, add yours

Expectations equal unhappiness

Written by · 18 Comments

Whatever you focus on, grows.

So how much time and energy do you spend focused on your expectations?

A good working definition of expectations is planned disappointment. And expectations are directly correlated with happiness, or more aptly, unhappiness.

When what we expect to happen does not happen, we are disappointed and we suffer pain at some level. The greater the expectation, the greater the pain.

Ironically, we are also likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met!

I shall explain.

We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen.

If you expect your spouse to help with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your spouse does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your spouse does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

  • Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
  • Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
  • Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
  • Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”

When you are dog tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your spouse cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected them to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help!

When you are truly grateful for something, you cannot help but feel happiness.

Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. ~ Dennis Prager

Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.

Where do our expectations come from?

Our expectations are the confused result of our reactions, our thoughts, and our emotional heritage. We confuse wants with needs, anticipation with expectation, loneliness with emptiness, touch with sex, talk with communication, ideals with reality, and self with relationships.

We confuse what we can get only from within ourselves with what we can get only from a relationship.

This confusion drives us to continually

  • try to get from someone else what we can get only from ourselves,
  • or try to get from ourselves what we can get only from a relationship.

No matter how hard or long we try, we will never be complete in this life.

We cannot be complete as an individual, and we cannot be complete by marrying or having children.

We cannot be completely secure emotionally nor can we know everything about any one thing.

When we are fixated on finding completeness in this life, we become so anxious that we either aim for absolute safety or we stay paralyzed for fear of not getting it [completeness].

The expectation that we can be complete and the desperate search for it leads people to attempt the impossible. The fantasy world is full of the illusion of completeness – which leads people to drugs, sex, alcohol, money, conflict, helplessness, power – all of the world’s ills.

We’re all a little lonely, we all feel some sense of inadequacy, some fear of failure – in other words, we all feel some emptiness.

This is a natural state of being, and in my Christian worldview, designed by God to draw us to Him.

Growing up – becoming emotionally mature – is all about how we handle the uncertainty – the incompleteness – of life. When we are able to accept and understand that this emptiness is a natural part of being human, we are on the path to a better life.

The less aware we are of our own emptiness, the more unrealistically we raise our level of expectations on others. High expectations become hypersensitive and emotionally reactive. So much focus is placed on what others are or are not doing that there is little time left for self-focus.

The more successfully we can lower our expectations of others, the more time we have to develop our personal sense of responsibility – and the more effort we put into living up to our personal responsibilities, the more we experience responsibility as joy and fulfillment.

Unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want now.

We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be more – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful.

Make gratitude a habit.

  • Write down three things everyday that you are grateful for –– and see how many days you can come up three things to be grateful for – without repeating yourself!
  • Get a copy of The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude by Sarah Ban Breathnach and write in it everyday for a year.
  • Write your gratitudes on post-it notes and stick them around the house, in the car, in your spouse/kids’ lunch bags . . . surround yourself with reminders of what you have to be grateful for.
  • Send a note to everyone that helped you in some way this year – and start with those closest to you – your spouse, your kids, your parents, and your siblings.

Whatever you focus on, grows.

Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.

Another great read on this idea can be found here: Toss your expectations into the ocean.

Prager, D. 1998. Happiness is a serious problem.
Fogarty, T.F. 1978. On emptiness and closeness. In The Family, Compendium I.
(photo source)

18 comments, add yours

Honestly, how honest are you?

Written by · 15 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. ~ Abraham Lincoln

If asked, you’d probably say you’re an honest person.

Meaning, you don’t blatantly lie.

But what if I asked if you occasionally omit some things. How would you answer?

It’s part of our creation and design to be honest. We all seem to have an innate sense that honesty is the best policy, that lying hurts others as well as ourselves. At the same time, however, have we reached a point where we feel it’s okay to omit certain details while still feeling as though we’re being honest?

The world in which we live is filled with lies.

And I’ll admit, I have a lying problem. Mine aren’t the big lies, the things like “No, I did not use any performance enhancing supplements, Senator” or, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” No, mine are the little lies. The half-truths. “Yes, let’s definitely get together for coffee soon.” “We can’t buy that toy now, son, the toy store is closed.” I know, lying to my own child — pretty lame!

The problem with lying is that it creates an alternate reality. And trying to keep up with multiple realities is anything but simple and easy.

One of the first things I counsel people who come to see me is to up their honesty level. Not that they’re lying all the time, or even occasionally — but when you up the honesty level in life, things may get worse temporarily, but they will get better.

This begins by upping the honesty level with yourself. Face the hard truths about your life, and your shortcomings. We all have them, own ‘em.

Many bad things in life originate from not being honest with ourselves and others.

Unfortunately, we all have the ability to rationalize and justify our thoughts and actions. In fact, many people can get good enough at it to actually believe their rationalization is the truth. But when it comes to honesty, your gut knows the truth.

Dishonesty keeps you awake at night, or wakes you up in the middle of the night. It gives you the twinge of anxiety in your stomach. And it comes out in your body language and facial expressions.

Honesty, on the other hand, allows you to rest peacefully. To act according to your values and integrity. And to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Plus, honesty leads to simplicity.

Life carries with it a great deal of energy when you’re honest with yourself and others. You gain others’ trust easily because you live according to your word. You reach a point where you can let your yes be yes and your no be no. And, as the honesty between you and others increases, so does the synergy.

Honesty in life and marriage is not just the best policy; it’s the only policy. And a simple marriage is unattainable without it.

So, husbands, what do you do when your wife asks you this question: Do these pants make me look fat?

If you’re wondering if you should be honest when your wife asks, try this — look her in the eye, and with a playful smile reply, “I don’t know, I’d have to see you without the pants on.”

Editor’s Note: This is a chapter from Buck Naked Marriage.

(photo source)

15 comments, add yours

Are you too busy?

Written by · 8 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

Friend: How have you been?

Most common reply: Busy.

My guess is that you hear this question several times each day as you go about your normal activities.

Since when did being busy become so appealing?

Something to strive for in order to appear better in other people’s eyes. Or at least to avoid appearing lazy.

While the answer of “busy” is most likely true, answer me this. Busy doing what?

How do you fill your day?

Or an even more popular sentiment, how do you manage your time?

To quote Timothy Ferriss in his work The 4-Hour Work Week;

Just a few words on time management: Forget all about it. In the strictest sense, you shouldn’t be trying to do more each day, trying to fill every second with a work fidget of some type. …Being busy is often used as a guise for avoiding the few critically important but uncomfortable actions.

It is extremely easy to create busyness. It starts with rarely using the word no and it is perpetuated by working without an over-riding life goal or purpose in mind.

Have you stopped and asked yourself: what’s this all for?

The idea of working for 40 to 50 years in order to save up enough money to enjoy retirement and live a life of leisure – when that is the time in life when you are physically the least able to enjoy what you have worked for.

Instead, what if you had a list of 10 to 20 things you wanted to do in life, starting right now, and incorporated these into your monthly and yearly personal and family goals.

For the past 5 years I’ve been creating and editing a list of 25 things I want to do or accomplish before I die. Things like climbing the 14ers in Colorado, publish a best seller, travel to Scotland with my father, participate in a service project on every major continent.

Whenever I am sitting around waiting for an appointment or for my food at a restaurant, I will refer to this list to see which one I can check off next.

While this list is not my ultimate life purpose or goal, it does help me to remember to enjoy the things in this life. I encourage you to create a list of your own. As you do so, remember that anything goes. No dream is too big.

Now that you have little reminders of the things you want to incorporate into your life, let’s turn our attention to some steps that will help you make the most of the time you have.

Learn how to work smarter, not harder.

Be more effective with your time.

Learn to do more with less.

Then learn to be more efficient in completing the tasks each day.

Whenever you are working on an important, high life-priority task, don’t answer the phone.

Since when did a ringing phone become such a sacred object that we must respond to? Voicemail and answering machines are great things to help you stay on purpose.

Email is the same. You are working on something on the computer, the inbox chimes so you interrupt your time only to discover that you have the opportunity to assist some foreign guy in the transferring of a large sum of money from Uzbekistan, of which you will get to keep a large portion.

Ever wondered how we lived without cell phones, email, instant messages, etc.

Answer: just fine.

As you make your time more valuable to yourself, others will to.

By living more on task and purpose, you will begin to align your life, your dreams and your goals.

Slow down and remember this: Most things don’t really matter as much as we think, especially in light of a life dream or purpose.

Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action ~  Tim Ferriss.

(photo source)

8 comments, add yours

2 words for a better marriage

Written by · 24 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

If you venture far into the arena of the blogosphere, you’ll be inundated with all types of awesome speak. Especially if you visit some of the larger blogs on self-development and improvement.

I’ve got no issue with people wanting to share their thoughts on how to make life better. It’s just that sometimes we make things too complicated.

Why does it have to be so hard?

What if two words could improve your marriage?

Two words can … and will.

  1. Think big (look at the big picture of life and marriage, it’s not all about you)
  2. Get over (forgive again and again)
  3. Choose battles (not everything is worth the fight)
  4. Just stop (get help if you need)
  5. Shut up (there’s wisdom in knowing when to be quiet)
  6. Move on (let go of the past and live in the moment)
  7. Be smart (use your brain in every situation)
  8. Common sense (uh, hello, befriending an ex-girlfriend on Facebook is just plain stupid)
  9. Show up (there’s value to being together)
  10. Be present (engage your spouse when your together, don’t be lost at work or elsewhere)
  11. Grow up (this is what marriage is all about!)

Got two words to add?

(photo source)

24 comments, add yours