Tips for Marriage-Friendly Time Choices

Post written by marriage columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

I don’t have time!

How often have we caught ourselves saying that?

Our complaints about time are becoming epidemic.

We have far more choices for what to do with our time than ever before in history.

And more choices of activities for our children.

For people involved in faith and community activities, commitment to being of service (and guilt if we aren’t!) expands the time choices as well. Sometimes it’s tempting to try to do it all!

However, we usually then mess up our marriage and our family life.

Prioritizing and making choices that are beneficial and not harmful is vital in our marriage. We have to take into consideration the health and well-being of each of us and our family members.

We have limitations, and exceeding them generally causes problems. If we start to notice that our lives are filled with stress, and happiness together seems elusive, it’s time to sound an alarm and get help.

Our expanded expectations and multiple roles lead us to become superpeople with exceptional coping strategies that keep us going despite our abnormal levels of stress, fatigue, and tension. We become experts at managing our responsibilities, but we remain rather inept at keeping our relationships alive. ~ Wayne and Mary Sotile, Marriage Skills for Busy Couples, Preface, p. x

So, how do we make marriage-respectful choices?

Here are some quick tips:

  1. Review all the choices we are making right now and what is motivating us to do each.
  2. Assess which choices are causing more problems than benefit.
  3. Determine what overall outcome we want for ourselves as individuals, our marriage, and our family.
  4. Determine where adding service to each other or outwardly to others together would improve our marriage and family life.
  5. Determine the benefit of spending more time together.
  6. Identify what activities should become “no’s” and where there are new “yes’s” to make.

It requires energy to effectively maintain our marriage, to be friends and lovers both.

It harms our marriage when we leave our partner feeling like everything else is more important than them.

Children and outside activities can be so demanding that it is easy to put them ahead of our marriage over and over again. It is wise to pause and remember that the greatest gift we give our children is a strong and happy marriage. Research is clear that the children are more likely to thrive in their lives with this as a foundation.

Sometimes we need a call to be conscious with our choices.

We can easily get into patterns of activity and choices without pausing to discuss it together first.

Try this … Whenever you are asked to do something, simply say, “That’s a great idea. Let me discuss it with my wife/husband and I’ll let you know if it will work for me/us to participate.”

When we discuss it together, then we have the opportunity to assess what the effect of saying “yes” will be on the health of our marriage and family.

Need some help and structure with this topic?

There is a new Marriage Spark eCourse, Making Time and Service Choices now available.

Renewing Our Marital Friendship

Post written by marriage columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

As winter begins to fade into springtime, sunlight increases, and new growth begins. Spring can also be a time of renewal for marital friendship.

The more we create light in our lives through joy, laughter, and radiance, the happier we and others are. The more we make space for light to enter our lives and relationships, the more light comes in. Our love and light have the power to create a fragrant rose garden filled with beautiful blossoms. We can be light-givers.

One of the strongest lights in our relationship is our intimate friendship. When we are true companions to one another, helping each other through the ups and downs of everyday life, we are generating light. We are concerned about each other’s well-being and seeking ways to be harmonious together. We carefully learn what lights each other up and carry it out. We also celebrate when others light us up.

With a close friendship between us, we can relax and share what is on our minds and in our hearts and know that it will be respected and appreciated. When we share thoughts and decisions about life, God, the children, our jobs, our service, or whatever is important to us, we can understand each other better. We encourage and help one another through difficulties, times of personal growth, and towards achieving goals. We show sincere enthusiasm to each other for our successes.

We enjoy our time together and share interests and activities. It is a commitment in our relationship to regularly go out on dates with just the two of us. It strengthens our bond and connection when we can share social time together. Often our sharing on these dates is deeper from our hearts and souls than when we are immersed in the routines of everyday life at home. We are released from distractions and focus on one another. We carefully protect this time from conflict or discussions about the logistics of our lives. This is our time to light our lives as friends and partners.

A key aspect of our friendship is sharing laughter. We often find the same things funny, make humorous comments, and enjoy recreation and activities that help us feel lighthearted. We can be playful and have fun. We strengthen our friendship when we laugh and are happy together. Often funny moments recur in our minds in the days after they happen, spreading the light of humor in our lives.

When we are true friends, it is easier to reach out in friendship to others. We can spend time with others in social, spiritual, or service activities, building the intensity of the light between all of us. We can show loving and welcoming hospitality, sharing the light of beauty and love in our home. When we part from our friends, they carry some of our light with them.

Note: This article is an excerpt from an upcoming book called “Lighting Up Your Loved One”, copyright Susanne M. Alexander.

Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver

Post written by Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems.

All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

Melt Your Honey’s Heart with Character Appreciation

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

When we are talking seriously about marriage, the phrase “I love you” constantly pops out of our mouths.

Once we are married, we often end cellphone calls with “love you”, but the frequency of loving expressions tends to slow down.

Whatever the timing and quantity of these expressions of affection, you can especially melt your loved one’s heart by including what specifically you appreciate about them and what they do.

To start, carefully observe what’s happening and look for specific positive actions that you appreciate or admire.

Perhaps she remembered to put a tool back after using it. Maybe he washed her car without being asked or reminded. He helped her father with a building project. She took his mother shopping. He helped a child with homework. She got a great promotion at work after completing a project. Whatever you observe, make sure that you sincerely applaud the action. Sincerity will cause your appreciation to touch the heart and soul of your loved one.

Next, link the action to a quality of character.

This takes more skill.

Some excellent qualities to consider connecting to actions are:

• Caring
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Cooperation
• Courage
• Creativity
• Enthusiasm
• Flexibility
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness

When you use qualities like these in an acknowledgement, it spreads light into the recipient’s heart, encourages them to be aware of and keep practicing the quality, and creates a positive bond of appreciation or love between you.

Here are some examples using the above list:

• “You were very caring with your friend Justin today when he shared he was diagnosed with cancer. I appreciate what a compassionate friend you are to people.”
• “Your courage in asking your manager for a raise today was totally awesome. I love that you are so confident in your abilities that you could approach her with your request.”
• “Thank you so much for helping me out with cleaning up this mess. I was feeling overwhelmed, and your patience with organizing everything made all the difference.”
• “I appreciate how thoughtful you are in our relationship. Making sure we have coffee every morning, carrying the laundry baskets to the basement, and getting the oil changed in my car make our lives together smoother and easier.”

This practice is called using Character Quality Language.

Remember to observe, be sincere, include at least one character quality, and be specific about the actions involved.

Now step back and think about the effect you can have on your children when being consistent with a practice like this. As parents, we have a primary responsibility to rear our children to have good characters.

We can influence the development of their qualities by modeling good character to them, by encouraging them to practice character qualities, and by using Character Quality Language with them when we observe their successful behavior.

I recently noticed a woman in a store repeatedly and impatiently scolding her children for acting out and asking them to “Just wait a minute!”. She then commented to the clerk that “Children these days have no patience.”  Then she took them for ice cream to compensate for making them wait while she did the transaction. Unfortunately, this dynamic is quite common.

From the time children are very small, parents can say to them, “Please be patient” or “I need you to practice patience for a few minutes”.  This reminds the parent and the child both to use their best behavior.

When the child is successful, the parent can say, “Thank you for being patient while I put dinner on to cook.” Affirmation can be one of the biggest encouragers of good behavior, especially in children.

Character Quality Language makes all our interactions more gentle, more thoughtful, more connecting, more kind.

We can close an email with “Thank you for your flexibility” or “I appreciate how helpful you are”. We can send a text message that says “Great cooperation!”. We are more attentive to what the people around us are doing. This helps us strengthen and unify our relationships through expressing sincere appreciation that melts their hearts and touches their souls.

It’s one of the many paths to having an excellent and happy relationship and marriage.

(photo source)

The Three-Way Marriage: A Manifesto For Christian Lovers

Last September I released my first manifesto, A Simple Marriage Manifesto.

It contained a wealth of information regarding marriage and its design to help us grow into better people.

It’s the premise behind everything on Simple Marriage.

But there is also a very important undercurrent running throughout the posts … the role spirituality plays in our life and our relationships. Specifically, the influence of God and His love.

I’ve intentionally tried to ensure that what I write isn’t “preachy” or “in your face” Christian, but at the same time I’ve hoped to have my beliefs be evident.

Today, I present to you a full disclosure of my beliefs when it comes to God, love, growing up, and marriage.

If this isn’t of interest to you, no worries. The spirit of Simple Marriage will continue to remain as it has – helping people create great marriages and lives.

This is my second manifesto if you will, and once again, it’s free.

–>Click here to open or download this manifesto in PDF format.

Copyright stuff: Once again, this is free to be shared and/or quoted from in anyway you wish. In other words, spread the word. All I ask is for a link back to here.

Fellow bloggers: If you share this with your readers, please link to this page: http://www.simplemarriage.net/threeway.html

What you’ll learn

  • The purpose of committed relationships
  • Marriage’s prototype
  • The role of love in marriage
  • What growing up is, and isn’t

Want to help?

The Three-Way Marriage is free. If you’d like to help spread the word, use the buttons below and share it on Facebook and Twitter. You are also welcome to write about this on your site, or simply share this within your circle of friends and family.

If you enjoy this, feel free to leave a comments below.

Forgiveness in relationships

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Theresa Knight and Challis Jensen of KnightGoddess.

To love with an open heart is to risk getting hurt. Therefore, in conscious living and conscious loving, forgiveness will always play a key role.

Simply put, forgiveness is a choice to trade pain and heartache for peace and freedom. Here are a few reasons why I continue to make that choice everyday: Read more »

Busy? Try Gratitude Training.

There’s a concept in the meditation world called “present state awareness” – experiencing and savoring the present.

When asked about this, the Buddhist monk and zen teacher Thich Nhat Hahn shared this parable:

“Let’s say that you want to eat a peach for dessert one evening, but you decide to only allow yourself this luxury after washing the dishes. If, while washing the dishes, all you think of is eating the peach, what will you be thinking of when you eat the peach?

The clogged inbox, that difficult conversation you’ve been putting off, tomorrow’s to-do list?

The peach is eaten but not enjoyed, and so on we continue through life, victims of a progressively lopsided culture that values achievement over appreciation.”

But let’s get specific.

If we define “achievement” as obtaining things we desire (whether raises, relationships, cars, pets, or otherwise) that have the potential to give us pleasure, then let’s define “appreciation” as our ability to get pleasure out of those things.

To focus on the former to the exclusion of the latter is like valuing cooking over eating.

How then, do we develop the skill of appreciation?

Read more »

The Art Of Doing Nothing

Sure, we all know how to do nothing. We all know how to lay around and waste time. But many of us are too busy to do it much, and when we do it, our minds are often on other things. We cannot relax and enjoy the nothingness.

Doing nothing can be a waste of time, or it can be an art form.

Here’s how to become a master, and in the process, improve your life, melt away the stress and make yourself more productive when you actually do work.

Start small
Doing nothing, in the true sense of the word, can be overwhelming if you attempt to do too much nothing at once.

Do small nothings at first.

Focus on 5-10 minutes at a time, and start your practice sessions in a safe place — at home, not at work or in a busy public place. You may also not be ready to do nothing in the middle of nature, so do it in your bedroom or living room. Find a time and place where there are not many distractions, not much noise, not a lot of people to bother you.

Shut off all distractions — TV (we’re on day 3 and thus far it’s been great), computer, cell phones, regular phones, Blackberries, and the like. Doing nothing is hard when our communications gadgets are calling at us to do something.

Now, close your eyes, and do nothing. Yes, the sarcastic ones out there will say you’re doing something — you’re sitting there or laying there, closing your eyes. But we mean doing nothing in the sense that if someone were to call us up and ask what we’re doing, we say “Oh, nothing.” Don’t let them call you up, though. They are trying to distract you.

After 5-10 minutes of doing, nothing, you can quit, and go do something. But try to do this every day, or as much as possible, because it is not possible to become a master without practice.

Breathing
The first place to start in the quest for mastery over this art is in your breathing. If this sounds suspiciously like meditation, well, cast those suspicions out of your mind. We are not here to do suspicion — we are doing nothing.

Start first by breathing slowly in, and then slowly out. Now closely monitor your breath as it enters your body, through your nose, and goes down into your lungs, and fills your lungs. Now feel it as it goes out of your body, through your mouth, and feel the satisfying emptying of your lungs.

Do this for 5-10 minutes, if you can. Practice this as you can. When you start thinking about other things, such as how great that darn Simple Marriage blog is, well, stop that! Don’t beat yourself up about it, but bring your thoughts back to your breathing every time.

Relaxing
An important part of doing nothing is being able to completely relax. If you are tense, then the doing of the nothing is really for naught. Relaxing starts by finding a comfortable place to do your nothing — a soft chair, a plush couch, a well-made, clean bed. Once you’ve found this spot, lie in it, and wiggle around to make it fit your body better. Think of how a cat lies down, and makes itself comfortable. Cats are very, very good at doing nothing. You may never approach their level of mastery, but they make for great inspiration.

Next, try the breathing technique. If you are not completely relaxed by now (and a short nap would be a great indication of relaxation), then try self massage. Yes, massage is much better when administered by other hands, but self massage is great too. Start with your shoulders and neck. Work your way up to your head and even your face. Also do your back, and legs and arms. Avoid any areas that might lead to doing something (although that can be relaxing too).

Yet another great way of relaxing is an exercise where you tense each muscle in your body, one body part at a time, and then let the tensed muscle relax. Start with your feet, then your legs, and work your way up to your eyebrows. If you can do the top of your head, you may be too advanced for this article.

Once you are relaxed, see if you can relax even more. Try not to relax so much that you lose control of your bodily fluids.

Bathing – an advanced stage
Those who are in the beginning stages of the Art of Doing Nothing should not attempt this stage. But once you’ve become proficient at the above steps, the stage of the Bath can be pretty great.

The bath must be nice and hot. Not lukewarm, but hot. Bubbles are also required, even if you are a man who is too manly for this. Just don’t tell any of your guy friends. Other bath accessories, such as a loofah sponge, or bath gels, or potpourri, are very optional.

Again, you must have all distractions shut off. Bathing is also best done if you are alone in the house, but if not, everyone else in the house must know that you CANNOT be disturbed, even if the house is burning down.

Step into your bath, one foot at a time, very slowly. If your bath is properly hot, it is best if you get into it an inch at a time. For more sensitive body parts, such as the crotchal area, it is best to squeeze your eyes shut tight and slowly lower yourself into the steaming water despite all instincts to flee. Once you are fully immersed (and you should go completely under, head included, at first), close your eyes, and feel the heat penetrating your body.

You may begin to sweat. This is a good thing. Allow the sweat to flow. You may need a glass of water as the sweat could dehydrate you. A good book is another great way to enjoy your bath. Allow your muscles to be penetrated by the heat, to be relaxed completely, and feel all your worries and stresses and aches and inner turmoil flow out of your body into the water.

A hot bath is even more awesome if followed by a bracing cold shower. Either way, get out of the bath once the water is no longer warm and your skin is very raisin-like.

Tasting and feeling
Doing nothing is also great when accompanied by very good beverages or food. Good tea or coffee, wine, hot cocoa, and other sensual beverages go very well with the Art. It’s best to take these beverages by themselves, with no food, and without a book or other distractions. Focus on the liquid as you sip it slowly, savoring every bit of the flavor and texture and temperature in your mouth before swallowing, and feeling the swallow completely. Close your eyes as you do this. Truly enjoy this drink.

Foods are also great: berries, rich desserts, freshly made bread,  or whatever it is that you love. Be sure you eat it slowly, savoring every bite. Chew slowly, and close your eyes as you enjoy the food. Feel the texture in your mouth. It is bliss!

Doing nothing in nature

Once you’ve passed the above stages, it is time to practice this gentle art out in nature. Find a peaceful place — in your front yard if that’s peaceful, a park, the woods, at the beach, a river, a lake — places with water are excellent. Places out of reach of the sounds of traffic and city life are best.

Out here in nature, you can practice the art for 20 minutes, an hour, or even longer. There are fewer distractions, and you can really shut yourself off from the stresses of life. Don’t just let your mind wander everywhere — focus on the natural surroundings around you. Look closely at the plants, at the water, at the wildlife. Truly appreciate the majesty of nature, the miracle of life.

Incorporating the Art in daily life
This is the final stage of mastering this Art. Don’t attempt it until you’ve practiced and become competent at the above stages.

Start by doing nothing while you are waiting in line, at the doctor’s office, on a bus, or for a plane. Wait, without reading a newspaper or magazine, without talking on the phone, without checking your email, without writing out your to-do list, without doing any work, without worrying about what you need to do later. Wait, and do nothing. Concentrate on your breathing, or try one of the relaxation techniques above. Concentrate on those around you — watch them, try to understand them, listen to their conversations.

Next, try doing nothing when you drive. Yes, you must drive, but try to do nothing else. Don’t listen to music or news or a book on CD. Don’t multi-task. Don’t talk on your cell phone, don’t eat, and don’t do your makeup. Just drive. Concentrate on your driving, look at the things you are passing, and feel your breathing. Relax yourself, and don’t worry about the other drivers (but don’t crash into them!). Drive slowly, going easy on the gas and brake pedals. This technique has a great side-effect: better gas mileage.

Last, try doing nothing in the middle of chaos, in your workplace or other stressful environment. Just shut everything out, close your eyes, and think about your breathing. Try a relaxation technique. Do this for 5-10 minutes at a time, building up to 20-30 minutes. If you can do this, in the middle of a stressful day at work or with the kids, you will allow yourself to focus more fully on the task at hand. You will be relaxed and ready to concentrate, to bring yourself into a state of flow. (Warning: Doing nothing could get you in trouble with your boss, so be careful! But if it makes you more productive, your boss might not mind.)

Finally, the Art of Doing Nothing cannot be mastered overnight. It will take hours and hours of practice, of hard work (doing nothing isn’t easy!). But you will enjoy every minute of it! Try it today.

Photo courtesy Melissa Maples
*Adapetded from Zen Habits