All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver is a post from: Simple Marriage
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When we are talking seriously about marriage, the phrase “I love you” constantly pops out of our mouths.

Once we are married, we often end cellphone calls with “love you”, but the frequency of loving expressions tends to slow down.

Whatever the timing and quantity of these expressions of affection, you can especially melt your loved one’s heart by including what specifically you appreciate about them and what they do.

To start, carefully observe what’s happening and look for specific positive actions that you appreciate or admire.

Perhaps she remembered to put a tool back after using it. Maybe he washed her car without being asked or reminded. He helped her father with a building project. She took his mother shopping. He helped a child with homework. She got a great promotion at work after completing a project. Whatever you observe, make sure that you sincerely applaud the action. Sincerity will cause your appreciation to touch the heart and soul of your loved one.

Next, link the action to a quality of character.

This takes more skill.

Some excellent qualities to consider connecting to actions are:

• Caring
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Cooperation
• Courage
• Creativity
• Enthusiasm
• Flexibility
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness

When you use qualities like these in an acknowledgement, it spreads light into the recipient’s heart, encourages them to be aware of and keep practicing the quality, and creates a positive bond of appreciation or love between you.

Here are some examples using the above list:

• “You were very caring with your friend Justin today when he shared he was diagnosed with cancer. I appreciate what a compassionate friend you are to people.”
• “Your courage in asking your manager for a raise today was totally awesome. I love that you are so confident in your abilities that you could approach her with your request.”
• “Thank you so much for helping me out with cleaning up this mess. I was feeling overwhelmed, and your patience with organizing everything made all the difference.”
• “I appreciate how thoughtful you are in our relationship. Making sure we have coffee every morning, carrying the laundry baskets to the basement, and getting the oil changed in my car make our lives together smoother and easier.”

This practice is called using Character Quality Language.

Remember to observe, be sincere, include at least one character quality, and be specific about the actions involved.

Now step back and think about the effect you can have on your children when being consistent with a practice like this. As parents, we have a primary responsibility to rear our children to have good characters.

We can influence the development of their qualities by modeling good character to them, by encouraging them to practice character qualities, and by using Character Quality Language with them when we observe their successful behavior.

I recently noticed a woman in a store repeatedly and impatiently scolding her children for acting out and asking them to “Just wait a minute!”. She then commented to the clerk that “Children these days have no patience.”  Then she took them for ice cream to compensate for making them wait while she did the transaction. Unfortunately, this dynamic is quite common.

From the time children are very small, parents can say to them, “Please be patient” or “I need you to practice patience for a few minutes”.  This reminds the parent and the child both to use their best behavior.

When the child is successful, the parent can say, “Thank you for being patient while I put dinner on to cook.” Affirmation can be one of the biggest encouragers of good behavior, especially in children.

Character Quality Language makes all our interactions more gentle, more thoughtful, more connecting, more kind.

We can close an email with “Thank you for your flexibility” or “I appreciate how helpful you are”. We can send a text message that says “Great cooperation!”. We are more attentive to what the people around us are doing. This helps us strengthen and unify our relationships through expressing sincere appreciation that melts their hearts and touches their souls.

It’s one of the many paths to having an excellent and happy relationship and marriage.

(photo source)

Melt Your Honey’s Heart with Character Appreciation is a post from: Simple Marriage
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It contained a wealth of information regarding marriage and its design to help us grow into better people.

It’s the premise behind everything on Simple Marriage.

But there is also a very important undercurrent running throughout the posts … the role spirituality plays in our life and our relationships. Specifically, the influence of God and His love.

I’ve intentionally tried to ensure that what I write isn’t “preachy” or “in your face” Christian, but at the same time I’ve hoped to have my beliefs be evident.

Today, I present to you a full disclosure of my beliefs when it comes to God, love, growing up, and marriage.

If this isn’t of interest to you, no worries. The spirit of Simple Marriage will continue to remain as it has – helping people create great marriages and lives.

This is my second manifesto if you will, and once again, it’s free.

–>Click here to open or download this manifesto in PDF format.

Copyright stuff: Once again, this is free to be shared and/or quoted from in anyway you wish. In other words, spread the word. All I ask is for a link back to here.

Fellow bloggers: If you share this with your readers, please link to this page: http://www.simplemarriage.net/threeway.html

What you’ll learn

• The purpose of committed relationships
• Marriage’s prototype
• The role of love in marriage
• What growing up is, and isn’t

Want to help?

The Three-Way Marriage is free. If you’d like to help spread the word, use the buttons below and share it on Facebook and Twitter. You are also welcome to write about this on your site, or simply share this within your circle of friends and family.

If you enjoy this, feel free to leave a comments below.

The Three-Way Marriage: A Manifesto For Christian Lovers is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Theresa Knight and Challis Jensen of KnightGoddess.

To love with an open heart is to risk getting hurt. Therefore, in conscious living and conscious loving, forgiveness will always play a key role.

Simply put, forgiveness is a choice to trade pain and heartache for peace and freedom. Here are a few reasons why I continue to make that choice everyday:

I forgive because I am committed to living and loving with an open and healed heart.

I forgive because no one is perfect. In our humanness, we all have been hurt, and we have all hurt others.

I forgive because it empowers me to live in the present moment. I cannot change the past or the people who have imposed their pain on me. However, I can simply choose to let it go.

I forgive because I want to live in peace and love instead of conflict and blame. I accept that every experience, challenge and relationship is here to teach me a lesson about life and love.

I forgive because I trust in the power of love and its ability to heal and transform.

I forgive because it offers me with the peace of mind and personal freedom I deserve.

I forgive because I realize I am the only one responsible for my happiness.

I forgive as an act of self-love and respect.

I forgive because in spiritual truth, there are no unforgivable actions.

A simple search on Amazon.com reveals over four thousand books related to the act of forgiveness. If you feel the inability to forgive is creating a problem in your life, then as part of your commitment to your self, your health and your relationship, I recommend that you choose one or two of them to guide you through this amazingly powerful healing process.

~ This is an excerpt from the newly released book; Magical Sex, Extraordinary Love – A Journey for Men and Women, by Dr. Theresa J. Knight and L. Challis Jensen. For more information about their work as international writers and educators in the field of conscious love and intimacy, log on to www.KnightGoddess.com

(photo source)

Forgiveness in relationships is a post from: Simple Marriage
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When asked about this, the Buddhist monk and zen teacher Thich Nhat Hahn shared this parable:

“Let’s say that you want to eat a peach for dessert one evening, but you decide to only allow yourself this luxury after washing the dishes. If, while washing the dishes, all you think of is eating the peach, what will you be thinking of when you eat the peach?

The clogged inbox, that difficult conversation you’ve been putting off, tomorrow’s to-do list?

The peach is eaten but not enjoyed, and so on we continue through life, victims of a progressively lopsided culture that values achievement over appreciation.”

But let’s get specific.

If we define “achievement” as obtaining things we desire (whether raises, relationships, cars, pets, or otherwise) that have the potential to give us pleasure, then let’s define “appreciation” as our ability to get pleasure out of those things.

To focus on the former to the exclusion of the latter is like valuing cooking over eating.

How then, do we develop the skill of appreciation?

Bear in mind, appreciation is often tied so closely to present state awareness, but not always.

I’ve written and tried (twice) one uncommon path to appreciation, like the 21-day no-complaint experiment, but the most common mainstream prescription is meditation.

The problem with meditation is that it too often gets mixed with mysticism and judgment (attempting to forcefully exclude certain thoughts and emotions).

Who really wants to visualize a candle flame for 30 minutes?

It can work, yes … but it doesn’t work for most.

Here’s where we enter the 60-second solution: gratitude training.

Many scientists have been looking at the far-reaching effects of practicing gratitude just like exercise.

One example, Dr. Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis and Dr. Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas:

“The first group kept a diary of the events that occurred during the day… the second group recorded their unpleasant experiences, [and] the last group made a daily list of things for which they were grateful.

The results of the study indicated that daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism and energy. Additionally, the gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, was more likely to help others, exercised more regularly and made more progress toward personal goals. According to the findings, people who feel grateful are also more likely to feel loved.

McCollough and Emmons also noted that gratitude encouraged a positive cycle of reciprocal kindness among people since one act of gratitude encourages another… McCullough suggests that anyone can increase their sense of well-being and create positive social effects just from counting their blessings.”

In practical terms, here is one example of how you can test the effects of gratitude training in less than 10 minutes over the next week:

For one week, starting today, ask yourself the following question each morning, immediately upon waking up and before getting out of bed:

What am I truly grateful for in my life?

Aim for five answers, and if you have trouble at first, ask yourself alternative probing questions such as:

What relationships do I have that others don’t?
What do I take for granted?
What freedoms, unique abilities, and options do I have that others don’t?
What advantages have I been given in life?
Which allies and supporters have helped me to get to where I am?

You can use these questions as a system restart and a chance to put your appreciation back on track with your achievement.

And remember … Don’t forget the peach!

(photo source)

Busy? Try Gratitude Training. is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Doing nothing can be a waste of time, or it can be an art form.

Here’s how to become a master, and in the process, improve your life, melt away the stress and make yourself more productive when you actually do work.

Start small
Doing nothing, in the true sense of the word, can be overwhelming if you attempt to do too much nothing at once.

Do small nothings at first.

Focus on 5-10 minutes at a time, and start your practice sessions in a safe place — at home, not at work or in a busy public place. You may also not be ready to do nothing in the middle of nature, so do it in your bedroom or living room. Find a time and place where there are not many distractions, not much noise, not a lot of people to bother you.

Shut off all distractions — TV (we’re on day 3 and thus far it’s been great), computer, cell phones, regular phones, Blackberries, and the like. Doing nothing is hard when our communications gadgets are calling at us to do something.

Now, close your eyes, and do nothing. Yes, the sarcastic ones out there will say you’re doing something — you’re sitting there or laying there, closing your eyes. But we mean doing nothing in the sense that if someone were to call us up and ask what we’re doing, we say “Oh, nothing.” Don’t let them call you up, though. They are trying to distract you.

After 5-10 minutes of doing, nothing, you can quit, and go do something. But try to do this every day, or as much as possible, because it is not possible to become a master without practice.

Breathing
The first place to start in the quest for mastery over this art is in your breathing. If this sounds suspiciously like meditation, well, cast those suspicions out of your mind. We are not here to do suspicion — we are doing nothing.

Start first by breathing slowly in, and then slowly out. Now closely monitor your breath as it enters your body, through your nose, and goes down into your lungs, and fills your lungs. Now feel it as it goes out of your body, through your mouth, and feel the satisfying emptying of your lungs.

Do this for 5-10 minutes, if you can. Practice this as you can. When you start thinking about other things, such as how great that darn Simple Marriage blog is, well, stop that! Don’t beat yourself up about it, but bring your thoughts back to your breathing every time.

Relaxing
An important part of doing nothing is being able to completely relax. If you are tense, then the doing of the nothing is really for naught. Relaxing starts by finding a comfortable place to do your nothing — a soft chair, a plush couch, a well-made, clean bed. Once you’ve found this spot, lie in it, and wiggle around to make it fit your body better. Think of how a cat lies down, and makes itself comfortable. Cats are very, very good at doing nothing. You may never approach their level of mastery, but they make for great inspiration.

Next, try the breathing technique. If you are not completely relaxed by now (and a short nap would be a great indication of relaxation), then try self massage. Yes, massage is much better when administered by other hands, but self massage is great too. Start with your shoulders and neck. Work your way up to your head and even your face. Also do your back, and legs and arms. Avoid any areas that might lead to doing something (although that can be relaxing too).

Yet another great way of relaxing is an exercise where you tense each muscle in your body, one body part at a time, and then let the tensed muscle relax. Start with your feet, then your legs, and work your way up to your eyebrows. If you can do the top of your head, you may be too advanced for this article.

Once you are relaxed, see if you can relax even more. Try not to relax so much that you lose control of your bodily fluids.

Bathing – an advanced stage
Those who are in the beginning stages of the Art of Doing Nothing should not attempt this stage. But once you’ve become proficient at the above steps, the stage of the Bath can be pretty great.

The bath must be nice and hot. Not lukewarm, but hot. Bubbles are also required, even if you are a man who is too manly for this. Just don’t tell any of your guy friends. Other bath accessories, such as a loofah sponge, or bath gels, or potpourri, are very optional.

Again, you must have all distractions shut off. Bathing is also best done if you are alone in the house, but if not, everyone else in the house must know that you CANNOT be disturbed, even if the house is burning down.

Step into your bath, one foot at a time, very slowly. If your bath is properly hot, it is best if you get into it an inch at a time. For more sensitive body parts, such as the crotchal area, it is best to squeeze your eyes shut tight and slowly lower yourself into the steaming water despite all instincts to flee. Once you are fully immersed (and you should go completely under, head included, at first), close your eyes, and feel the heat penetrating your body.

You may begin to sweat. This is a good thing. Allow the sweat to flow. You may need a glass of water as the sweat could dehydrate you. A good book is another great way to enjoy your bath. Allow your muscles to be penetrated by the heat, to be relaxed completely, and feel all your worries and stresses and aches and inner turmoil flow out of your body into the water.

A hot bath is even more awesome if followed by a bracing cold shower. Either way, get out of the bath once the water is no longer warm and your skin is very raisin-like.

Tasting and feeling
Doing nothing is also great when accompanied by very good beverages or food. Good tea or coffee, wine, hot cocoa, and other sensual beverages go very well with the Art. It’s best to take these beverages by themselves, with no food, and without a book or other distractions. Focus on the liquid as you sip it slowly, savoring every bit of the flavor and texture and temperature in your mouth before swallowing, and feeling the swallow completely. Close your eyes as you do this. Truly enjoy this drink.

Foods are also great: berries, rich desserts, freshly made bread,  or whatever it is that you love. Be sure you eat it slowly, savoring every bite. Chew slowly, and close your eyes as you enjoy the food. Feel the texture in your mouth. It is bliss!

Doing nothing in nature
Once you’ve passed the above stages, it is time to practice this gentle art out in nature. Find a peaceful place — in your front yard if that’s peaceful, a park, the woods, at the beach, a river, a lake — places with water are excellent. Places out of reach of the sounds of traffic and city life are best.

Out here in nature, you can practice the art for 20 minutes, an hour, or even longer. There are fewer distractions, and you can really shut yourself off from the stresses of life. Don’t just let your mind wander everywhere — focus on the natural surroundings around you. Look closely at the plants, at the water, at the wildlife. Truly appreciate the majesty of nature, the miracle of life.

Incorporating the Art in daily life
This is the final stage of mastering this Art. Don’t attempt it until you’ve practiced and become competent at the above stages.

Start by doing nothing while you are waiting in line, at the doctor’s office, on a bus, or for a plane. Wait, without reading a newspaper or magazine, without talking on the phone, without checking your email, without writing out your to-do list, without doing any work, without worrying about what you need to do later. Wait, and do nothing. Concentrate on your breathing, or try one of the relaxation techniques above. Concentrate on those around you — watch them, try to understand them, listen to their conversations.

Next, try doing nothing when you drive. Yes, you must drive, but try to do nothing else. Don’t listen to music or news or a book on CD. Don’t multi-task. Don’t talk on your cell phone, don’t eat, and don’t do your makeup. Just drive. Concentrate on your driving, look at the things you are passing, and feel your breathing. Relax yourself, and don’t worry about the other drivers (but don’t crash into them!). Drive slowly, going easy on the gas and brake pedals. This technique has a great side-effect: better gas mileage.

Last, try doing nothing in the middle of chaos, in your workplace or other stressful environment. Just shut everything out, close your eyes, and think about your breathing. Try a relaxation technique. Do this for 5-10 minutes at a time, building up to 20-30 minutes. If you can do this, in the middle of a stressful day at work or with the kids, you will allow yourself to focus more fully on the task at hand. You will be relaxed and ready to concentrate, to bring yourself into a state of flow. (Warning: Doing nothing could get you in trouble with your boss, so be careful! But if it makes you more productive, your boss might not mind.)

Finally, the Art of Doing Nothing cannot be mastered overnight. It will take hours and hours of practice, of hard work (doing nothing isn’t easy!). But you will enjoy every minute of it! Try it today.

Photo courtesy Melissa Maples
*Adapetded from Zen Habits

The Art Of Doing Nothing is a post from: Simple Marriage
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The main upgrade is the reply feature. As you read through the comments, if you read a comment you want to discuss, simply hit the reply feature and type in your comment. This allows you to create a conversation within the existing comment.

While all the work is being completed, you may see a few glitches along the way. Please let me know if you see something that isn’t working right.

I look forward to our conversations in the future. Have a great weekend!

Simple Marriage Comments Upgrade is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Late last week I was going through my Google reader and came across a post from Hayden of Through The Illusion. In this post Hayden was reacting to a post she read from Steve Pavlina and his wife’s decision to explore the realm of polyamory in their marriage. For those who not familiar with this term, polyamory is the practice or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.

Since I had not read Steve’s writing, I headed over to the source to get everything first hand.

It turns out that in his initial post he discloses his intention of focusing on his intimate relationships in 2009 – namely his desire to no longer limit himself to one person in his intimate relationships. To that end, he introduced the idea of polyamory.

My first thought as I read was that he is tired of his current marriage and he wants to open it up in order to avoid divorce – a fact he confirms in his next post.

After listening to the latest post, which is a lengthy podcast with both him and his wife, I get the sense that they view the role of their partner as someone to meet each of their personal needs – and needs that cannot be met by one’s partner become an avenue to expand into other relationships.

On Hayden’s most recent post (very good by the way), Steve commented… “The truth is that monogamy and polyamory aren’t choices. They’re perspectives. Really, all of us are polyamorous because we all meet certain needs outside of our primary relationship. So strict monogamy is something of a delusion.”

My reactions to Steve’s perspectives prompted me to ask (and answer) the question, “What’s my big idea about relationships?”

Let me explain where I’m coming from. I believe that marriage is designed to grow us up – to help us become better humans. We are created by God in relationship with Him for relationship with Him and for relationship with others. Our relationship with God matures through our relationships with our spouse and our children, and in turn these relationships mature because of our relationship with God.

Marriage is an excellent example of a relationship with God. We can share everything with God, and to a lesser extent, a spouse. The sacredness of marriage – emotional, sexual, and spiritual – is rooted in two people using their connection with one another to push, pull, and prod each into a deeper relationship with God. That’s what makes the marriage relationship so sacred.

The best way to experience God on this earth is in the quality of our human relationships.
~Martin Buber

Marriage is continuously getting dumped on in our society.

In their podcast, they boast about how in their view, being open to the idea of each person getting their intimate needs met outside of the relationship will actually make their marriage stronger. The flaw with this lies in the definition of needs. How do you differentiate between needs, urges, and wants?

In my mind, we have a natural state of being – that is, the way we exist in nature apart from God. And that natural state of being is unable to be satisfied apart from the Creator’s intention – which is for us to come into relationship with Him.

Taken straight from Hayden…

So, yes, marriage is inherently imperfect because people are imperfect. But flawed?

Marriage is personal development boot camp. You will demand much from your partner, as they will from you. You will be challenged to open your being in love, even as you are angry. You will be challenged to fully forgive transgressions both major and minor. Your marriage, in short, is the daily practical exercise of the opportunity to be your best self. And what you master at home, you take into the world.

We are all flawed and often seek for others to cover this flaw. In my book, this flaw is called sin. And the only covering for this is Christ alone.

If everyone is special, then no one is.

If I share everything with everyone, then nothing is sacred.

That’s my Big Idea – What’s yours?

What’s YOUR Big Idea? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Whether you believe the Bible is the inherent Word of God or not, there are still many truths to gain from this resource. While I personally believe the Bible is truth, your experience may be different than mine.

Many times the Bible has been used to limit or harm people, rather than seen as the story of God and His love for people. One of the ways the Bible seems to have limited believers is in the marriage relationship. Specifically, marital sex.

Too often, the focus in this area has been solely on the pitfalls and prohibition of premarital and extramarital sex.

Growing up in a Christian household, the only time the topic of sex was ever mentioned was to stay away from it. To save it for marriage. The main idea of this message is good and true. Teenagers aren’t ready for all the complexities of sex. Sure they can physically engage in the act, but they’re not ready for the emotional, mental, or spiritual components.

The problem with the sole focus of sex til later is that it doesn’t cover the beauty and passion sex can contribute to a marriage. There are many people who struggle with sex. They feel dirty or trampy. It’s shrouded in guilt and shame.

Did you know that there is a little book in the Bible that can be useful for unlocking more in marital sex? In fact, this book is only 117 verses tucked away in the Old Testament.

The Song Of Solomon.

A love story of a man and a woman. The Song of Solomon is also thought of as the love story between God and His people. For the sake of this article, I’m not going to attempt to exegete this book, rather I am going to use some of it’s message that can be applied to marriage.

If you take the time and simply read through the book, you’ll notice the poetic language used. Often seen as erotic and sensual. It’s important to note however, that no reputable scholar considers the Song of Solomon to be erotic literature. It is a love story. And from this story, there are several points we can learn for our own marriage.

1. Pay attention to your sexual life. Every aspect of our life affects the other parts of life. We take time for our physical health, our mental health, and so on. How much effort is spent on your sexual health? Talk with your spouse about your sex life.
2. There is a clear progression both of self-understanding of the lovers, and in their relationship as the story unfolds. As any marriage unfolds, you learn more and more about yourself and your spouse. This can be either a blessing or a curse. It depends on how you look at it. If you focus on your self-understanding more than your spouse, you have potential for more in marriage.
3. Use beautiful language. Another occurrence as the marriage progresses is the tendency for both members to become too comfortable and lazy. Rather than romanticizing your spouse with poems or loving thoughts, at the end of a long day, the topic of sex is brought up in the phrase “wanna do it?”
4. It’s OK for Christian men and women to enjoy sex. This may seem like a no brainer point, but there are many people who still feel dirty or guilty when it comes to sex. Most often this is women, but the Song of Solomon combats this idea in 5:10-16 where you find the woman responding to the man by describing her view of him. Earlier in chapter 4 she invites her lover into her garden to make it his own and enjoy its fruits.
5. Take your time. Throughout chapters 4, 5 and 7 you find the man and woman describing each other’s bodies. You’ll also see that the man works his way down her form, then back up. Imagine if during your sexual encounter together, you took the time to massage, caress, and/or kiss slowly all the way down her body, then worked your way back up. And building from point 4, this is not exclusive to the man.
6. Keep the bedroom special. Much of this love story takes place in the bedroom. There are many things that can bring a negative energy to the bedroom. The bedroom should be for sleeping and love-making, nothing else! Never argue there. Never discipline the children there. Never pay the bills there. Honor this room as a special room in the house. Teach your children to respect the privacy of this room as well. Teach them that if the door is closed while mom and dad are in there, they are spending some special time together. But won’t they wonder what’s going on and want to figure it out? What better way to teach them healthy attitudes about sex.

6 Tips For A More Sensual Marriage From Solomon is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Tell me if you’ve ever done this. You’re at a function of some type with several other people. The air conditioner in the place obviously works very well. Instead of speaking up and stating that you are cold and wish someone would turn up the AC, you phrase it in a question. “Are you cold? You look like you’re cold.” What’s the risk in speaking up and stating what you’re experiencing? “Hey, I’m cold. Anyone got an extra Parka?”

Maybe you’ve been in this situation. You’re going about your daily tasks with your family or significant other and they say something in passing to you. While whatever they said was innocuous, your interpretation was anything but. You storm out of the room or react with a verbal unleashing that would give any baseball coach a run for his money.

If none of the preceding examples have happened, how about this. You are so deeply involved in your routine of life and work that when you come home after a long day, you simply co-exist with your spouse. You don’t even talk anymore. You’ve drifted apart and are living lives together under the same roof, but miles apart.

The common belief for the cause of these examples? You are having trouble communicating. You could benefit from some communication training. Learning how to be assertive and properly use “I” messages.

Nothing against these types of approaches, they are each good concepts to learn and incorporate within the right contexts. A committed relationship however, is not one of these contexts. Allow me to explain, and keep in mind that you cannot not communicate (pardon the double negative).

Everything we say; spoken and otherwise, speaks volumes. Everything we don’t say speaks loudly as well. Research continues to confirm that around 93% of our communication resides in our body language and tone. How we say what we say speaks louder than what we say. The reverse is also true, how we say what we don’t say speaks louder than what we don’t say. I think I just confused myself.

Communication problems are not the result of trouble understanding each other. It’s that you understand each other all too well.

The problem really lies in me not liking what the other person is saying, and then reacting. When I react to the spike of emotion I get while interacting with another human, I often do so in an attempt to sooth myself.

A majority of communication within a committed relationship is covert. I am afraid to say what I really mean because I am afraid to take the emotional “hit.” So I say it in code.

To simplify marriage requires standing up. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. It’s the only way to lasting passion and adventure in marriage.

How to stand up.

Recognize your choices. Marriage is choice. But many times, you may wish you had more choices. Not choices in other partners, but choices within the marriage. A dilemma occurs when you want two choices at the same time, but you only get one.

For instance, you may want your spouse to be more emotionally open and share their feelings, but you interrupt them when they say things you find unpleasant or disagree with (in your view, you may just want to keep the conversation “accurate”). You want a more expressive spouse, but want to control what they express.

Another example involves asking your spouse to take more responsibility for initiating sex, but you want to dictate when, where, how, and why sexual initiations should be made. You want a spouse who can think for themselves- and you want to tell them what they should think!

Be willing to take the hit. Many times we are unwilling to state what we really feel. This is mainly due to self-preservation and protection from any backlash that results from our speaking up. If you refuse to speak up enough times, you risk being run over repeatedly. When you speak up, you begin to present a more solid target for your spouse to choose. Since we all want to be chosen, we must stand up enough to be recognized. Following the crowd just blends in with the surroundings.

It’s time to stand up and be noticed.

The 5 Steps To A Simple Marriage- Part 3: Stand Up! is a post from: Simple Marriage
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