January 14th is my 40th wedding anniversary.
I was 17 and pregnant when I got married. I was mom to four little girls by age 22 (my third pregnancy was twins).
The odds were stacked against us.
The first 10 years were filled with drama and insanity. We talked about going our separate ways. Deep down we knew we never would.
We knew there had to be a better way.
A friend suggested we seek professional help.
We overcame the fear of change, the fear of getting real, with ourselves and with each other, and the fear of getting professional help.
In 1982, every Wednesday night for six months, we hired a babysitter, drove 45 minutes to town, and paid $50 an hour out of pocket to see a therapist.
We were ready for change, we let go of blame, excuses and took responsibility. We were willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our therapist would give us homework. We never missed a lesson.
The secret to a loving relationship is to do the work it takes to grow lovingly and peacefully into the future.
We learned to take down emotional barriers, open up and reveal our true selves, and do away with long silences. We learned to choose to be happy over needing to be right. We learned how to be good friends.
Most importantly we learned to forgive.
Today we know how to work together and be together. We know how to give each other space and trust each other. We know how to have fun, play, and be adventurous together.
We also argue, blame, get mad, forgive and begin again.
When it’s difficult, we take it slow. We take a time-out, walk away, get centered, and look within for the answers. When it’s difficult, we lean on each other.
You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be again. Every moment is a clean slate.
When it’s easy we celebrate. Over time, you learn how to do “easy.” The other is too exhausting.
Once you commit to the end, there’s a certainty, a knowingness that brings inner peace and peace to the relationship.
The following tips when practiced will help you have a long and healthy relationship.
Kindness creates a mood of love.
Make a decision to be kind. Set a loving intention each morning. Use your manners. Look at each other with loving eyes. Love is a choice. The more love you choose, the more joy you feel.
Let go of fear.
?Love is letting go of fear. Learn to trust each other and count on each other. Know when to speak up and when to calm down. Open your hearts and offer each other a sense of safety. That’s how trust grows.
Your partner isn’t the source of your pain.
?You are 100% responsible for your relationship. If your partner is abusive, you’re responsible for “being” there. Get help and do what you have to do. Give up blame and learn to be accountable.
Focus on changing your own annoying habits.
It bothers me when my husband eats too fast. I only need to focus myself. Drop your attack thoughts. Add the words, “Just like me,” to anything you want to accuse your mate of doing. For example, “You eat too fast” changes to, “You eat too fast, just like me.”
Make forgiveness a way of life.
Think of yourself as a forgiving person. Grow into it. You can’t experience love when your heart and mind are full of hate. Let go of hurt and resentment.
Give up the pain of the past. It’s impossible to have a loving relationship without forgiveness. Impossible! Turn your burdens into blessings.
Create a spirit of unity.
Learn to ask for and receive love. Give more than you receive. The more love you share, the more love you have. Point all of your actions to love. Believe the best is yet to come.
Create room for intimacy and sex.
Turn off your electronics and spend quality time alone. Intimacy can be described as, “the ability to open up and reveal your true self or in-to-me-see.”
When you create intimacy in your relationship, sex is filled with meaning and love.
Seek help.
If these steps seem to difficult, reach out and get help. Don’t use money ask an excuse. If you have to scrub toilets or collect garbage for extra cash, do it. Your marriage is sacred. Learn to value it above all else, never let it fall apart or die.
Tess Marshall is the founder of The Bold Life and author of the new ecourse (just launched this week), Take Your Fear and Shove It.
(photo source)
WOW! This post came at just the right time in my marriage. Seventeen years in and the last seven have been a challenge. I’m glad to know this post emphasizes my re-commitment is rooted in the right spirit! I am committed to the end! I needed this.
Hi Michele,
I think sometimes we think marriage is suppose to be a bed of roses. It’s work! Commitment, forgiveness and yes a challenge.
The most important thing you can do is recognize there is a problem and get right on it, talk about it, do what needs to be done. See someone!
Don’t wait for your husband if he’s not interested. Go yourself. We you change, everything changes. You can do this!
Brilliant Tess! I LOVE this post! You are an amazing woman that expresses herself with such grace and ease. You are filled with wisdom and have found a way to put that wisdom, mixed with Love, into a language that speaks to the masses. That’s an incredible feat.
Okay, I’m VERY excited that you keep showing up in my life. I met you during Leo’s course last year in 2011. I subscribed to The Bold Life for awhile and here you show up again on Simple Marriage! I’m just letting the Universe know that “I am paying attention!” I guess the smart thing to do at this point, would be, to check out your new ecourse!
Thanks, Tess, for showing up in Life!
Hi Shelly,
Wow! What a wonderful compliment. I can’t tell you how much it means! I actually cried when I read it, myself. I think that’s because the big 40 is only days away. I better get going on that ‘surprise’ I have planned. Thanks for stopping by. He really is a wonderful man. Even today other women tell me over and over how blessed I am.
Fantastic and so well-written. Thanks for your words and your inspiration!! This should be required reading for anyone getting ready to walk down the aisle…
Kim,
Well that’s true but sometimes we have to figure out things for ourselves!
This post is very timely for my life. My husband and I are where you were at in your first 10 years. We’re on a very rocky road (been married for 4.5 years but have been together for 11 years) but deep down we know we’re in it for the long run, it’s just that I don’t want a so-so marriage. I want a great marriage but we’re knee deep in muck right now and it’s not so great. Hopefully this new year will bring about change as hopefully we make a commitment to change what’s wrong and start making it right. Thanks for your honesty and insight!
Thank you so much for this post. As a marriage therapist/coach, I try to help couples see the possibilities by getting past their own unrealistic expectations. Your tips are just the ticket couples need for success.
There’s few things I love more than hearing from couples who have been married 25+ years and the ironic thing is if you line their advice up side-by-side, it’s like you’re talking to the same couple. They all have the same advice once they’ve taken the time to assess their marriage. So why not learn from them in the early years of marriage and avoid some of the pitfalls? That’s what my husband and I have been doing since before we got married. Paying close attention to those who have been successful in marriage have to say. Warren Buffett has a great quote, “When people tell me they’ve learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people’s experience.”
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I particularly liked the comment about making forgiveness a regular part of the relationship. It can be such a powerful attribute if used effectively.
beautiful post, except for one thing; Christ must be the center of the home. There is a wonderful book available, called, “Three to Get Married”, by Bishop Sheen, that is job to read and contemplate. Tim and I have been married 41 years, have “survived” (barely, at times) 30 moves around the country and have 9 beautiful children (2 in heaven) and 18 grandchildren (6 in heaven), and I KNOW we would not be together today w/0 that third party in our marriage. Christ’s peace!
I really love this post, super sweet.
I love a happy ending- the difference between your story and other sad ones is that you both CARED enough to start change. I pray for those who are too stubborn to take a baby step
Hi Tess,
Fun to find you here with your amazing guest post. You are so inspiring to all of us who are married. It is hard work, and we do need to look at ourselves for the answers. Congrats on your 40th anniversary! That is quite an accomplishment. You sea a great example for us all. Take care.