Complaining – the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Photo courtesy SuziJane
Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
Let’s spend a little bit more time exploring the importance of complaining and how that might play out in relationships. Let’s say that you took the complaining steps to heart and you put a good bit of effort into delivering an effective complaint – asking your spouse for a behavior change to alleviate some discomfort you experience around that behavior. Your spouse responded with amazing grace to your thoughtful request and immediately made the desired change, right? That is what happened, isn’t it??????
Or did your partner react to you as though you were still talking in your old critical, contemptuous manner?
Or did your partner eye you suspiciously, agree to make the behavior change at some unspecified point in time, and ask, “Who are you and what did you do with my wife/husband?”
Here’s where becoming a student of human behavior comes into play. Human behavior occurs in knowable, observable, and predictable patterns that shape relationships and these patterns are natural ways of reacting to real or imagined threats. We inherit relational patterns from the families that we grew up in and they inherited their patterns from the families that they grew up in – across generations. The more you know about your family’s history of functioning, the better equipped you will be to understand your functioning.
Ever notice how alcoholism, substance abuse, suicide, affairs, divorces, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, poverty, etc. seems to leave a trail from one generation to the next? Did you also notice how education, long term marriages, religion, financial success, civic involvement, altruism, volunteerism, etc. also seems to leave a trail across generations? In families, it often seems as though the [emotionally] rich get richer, and the [emotionally] poor get poorer. In many families, there will be one branch moving upward and one branch moving downward. People will say, ‘How did you two come from the same family?”
So what can you know, observe and predict will happen when you get serious about the Power of One – about responding to the challenges in your relationships as a clarion call to take your shape, take on yourself, and become the best you that you can be?
The good news is this:
- Any one change in a relationship, changes the relationship.
- Any one change in a family, changes the whole family.
- You can, with a lifetime of effort, change the trend line for your family.
- Change requires thinking and action based on thinking.
- Change requires a realistic perception of who you are, realistic expectations, the will and the skill to change.
The bad news is this:
- The changes that occur in your relationship or your family may not be the changes you want to happen.
- Changes in you do not guarantee that your partner will change or want to change.
- Any change made for any reason other than to change self will fail.
- Thinking without action is Paralysis by Analysis.
The ugly news is this:
- Action based on emotion is usually worse than no action at all.
- Given the right amount of stressors, any change is subject to reversal – we will regress to our immature patterns under sufficient threat.
- Changing oneself and becoming emotionally mature is taking on a lifetime effort.
What’s the difference between an emotionally mature or immature outlook on life?
Emotional maturity
What does life expect from me?
I am
I believe
I will do
I will not do
Emotional immaturity
What do I expect from life?
I want
I am hurt
I want my rights
I need
When you change your part in a relationship dance, three responses (in word or actions) are likely from your partner:
- You’re wrong
- Change back
- If you don’t change back, these are the consequences
So when you did not get the reaction or the response to your well thought out, softly delivered, effective complaint that you expected, that you wanted, that you hoped you would get, what did you say to yourself?
- I want him/her to recognize how different I am.
- I am hurt that he/she reacted just like before.
- I want you to change your behavior because I asked nicely.
- I need you to change your behavior or I won’t keep working on changing me.
Here are some possible thoughts to experiment with:
- This was a good exercise for me. I am pleased with the way I represented myself.
- I believe that getting the behavior change I asked for is not the goal – becoming the person I want to be is.
- I will continue to change my part, with or without cooperation.
- I will not be discouraged – I have a long history of criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling – it’s going to take time for my partner to trust that I won’t resort to my old patterns to get my way.
What has it been like to clearly identify yourself with the four horsemen? How much thought have you put into holding yourself accountable for your past with any of these four? What would it be like for you to write a letter of accountability to yourself? Here’s a brief framework to kick start the effort:
For years, I have resorted to fill in your horse when things don’t go my way. I can think about how I learned this behavior and I can see the effects in me and others. I choose here and now to believe that I have the ability to change. I have the will and I will acquire the skill.
Here’s what I plan to do to be different.
Here’s how I plan to hold myself accountable.
Next, we’ll talk about what it means to give a genuine apology. Till then, do some digging around inside of you. It’s time to go deep.
Mary Ann is a marriage and family therapist, and a writer. She returned to college at the ripe age of 52, completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in four years, and is Cajun thru and thru. If you're not sure what that means, come by her house whenever family is around - you'll figure it out.6 Responses to “Complaining – the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”
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Your blog is a God send. My marriage is failing on an epic proportion. I have wanted my spouse to change but am failing to see the changes I need to make in myself. Is it possible to have all four horsemen in your relationship? I think I have done them all either seperately or together to warrant a given response. Thank you for your insight. I want to save my 15 year marriage for my kids, myself and my husband.
Christy,
I think that it is not only possible, but most likely, that where there is one horseman, the others will be. They go together. When criticized, we want to defend ourselves against the criticism. When we defend oursevles, the critic ramps up the attacks to try to get his/her way – that’s when criticism careens into contempt. There’s not much way to defend against contempt – because it it’s intent is to wound. So the wounded party shuts down, tries to stop caring – and cuts off the criticism and contempt by stonewalling.
It’s never too late to change yourself Christy. If you can, get some help. Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. Get Dr. John Gottman’s books – Start with The Relationship Cure. In my experience, it takes somes outside help to seriously “take on youself.”
Check in here regularly – we’ll be posting lots more helps to get you on track. Just remember that in relationships, it really is all about you [tongue in cheek comment] – because if YOU are all about how YOU can become the person, the wife, the mother you long to be, regardless of what anyone else does – that’s all any of us can do!
Incredible post!
You said, “Any change made for any reason other than to change self will fail.” I had to pause and reread that again. It makes so much sense.
I tried for many years to change my hub (after all weren’t all of our problems due to his issues?). Then I let him be and worked on changing me. At first the hub was off balanced and it showed but he gradually saw my changes as a permanent thing and he “changed” as a response to me being different. We are in a much better place.
In looking at your descriptions of emotional maturity vs immaturity, it seems the biggest difference to me is being a constructor of your life vs feeling like life is happening to you. I’m not sure how being hurt fits into it. Don’t we all get hurt at sometime? Is it that immature people want others to fix it or make it better where as mature people self sooth, get over it and get on with life?
@ Laurie,
I think that emotional immaturity is simply a state of being – the norm for humans – and becoming emotional mature [or not] is the path that we are all on. The difference lies in embracing or avoiding the challenges. Life and pain [hurt] are handmaidens.
It is not possible to be alive without experiencing pain. Pain is a vital messenger that keeps us fully alive – it warns us to change our actions to keep us safe. There is good pain that lets us know we are on the right track [sore muscles after a workout] and bad pain that lets us know we are on the wrong track [hangovers after drinking too much]. Spiritually, good pain moves us toward God and bad pain moves us away from God.
Without pain, we will move into activities that kill us. Carl Jung said, “The foundation of all mental illness is an unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.â€
I think that much of the pain we experience in relationships comes from our efforts to avoid the legitmate pain required to change ourselves.
Seems like the same old question. Do we, as human beings, need to experience hurt and pain in order to better ourselves?
Is pain and suffering an essential part of life? Does pain and suffering always in the end produce something positive even if we can’t see or feel it for ourselves? Personally I believe the answer to all of those questions is an emphatic no.
I wouldnt paddle my children, abuse my spouse, or wear a hair shirt. There is no epiphany to be found in any amount of pain and suffering and if we really really thought otherwise we would help our fellow men and women to as much misery as possible knowing that they, and the world would be better for it.
@ Lynda,
I don’t think that we need to experience hurt and pain in order to better ourselves, nor do I think that pain and suffering always produce something positive. I think that pain and suffering are inevitable – there is no such thing as life without it. It is built into life. It’s what we do with the pain and suffering that makes the world a better place – or not. It’s the seach for the meaning that has led to some great epiphanies for many people across thousands of years.
You wouldn’t paddle your children, abuse your spouse, or wear a hair shirt. There are plenty of people in the world who will and do – that and more. There is no need to help our fellowmen and women to as much misery as possible – it’s present in them and in their lives without any outside help. The world is better because so many men and women have chosen to look for and find something bigger and better inside of them through every experience that life brings their way – including pain and suffering.