Complaining’s Place In Marriage
Photo courtesy Ed Yourdon
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in a discussion with a few people about the difference between a complaint and a criticism. Much like the discussion in the comments from the most recent ask the readers – our discussions have gone from they’re the same, to they’re completely different. From they’re healthy for a marriage, to they could destroy a marriage.
Here’s what we’ve discussed.
First a few definitions:
Complaint:
- statement of unhappiness: a statement expressing discontent or unhappiness about a situation
- expressing of unhappiness: the act of expressing discontent or unhappiness about a situation (Encarta.com)
Criticize:
- to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly
- to find fault with – point out the faults of (Mirriam-Webster.com)
And we must add this from the guru of research in marital happiness John Gottman:
Criticism is making negative remarks about your partner’s personality, usually in a way that assigns blame. Complaints can be healthy for a relationship, especially when one spouse feels his or her needs aren’t being met. But there’s a crucial difference between complaints and criticism. Complaints are aimed at a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character . . . While a complaint simply states the facts, criticism is often judgmental, suggesting the word “should” . . . Betrayal is another common theme . . . And criticism is often expressed in global terms . . . Criticism is often an expression of pent-up frustration and unresolved anger . . . leading to universal and overwhelming barrages.
Here’s Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno’s stance – complaining, properly understood and appropriately delivered, is actually the necessary step to avoid criticism and its deadly derivative, contempt (more on this and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming later).
The key words that distinguish between the two definitions are criticism involves judgment (subjectivity) and a complaint is situationally specific (objectivity).
Criticism-
- Is global
- Attacks partner’s character or personality
- Is judgmental, often expressed with “shoulds”
- Implies betrayal – “I should have known not to count on you”
- Expressed in global terms – always, never, only,
- Expression of pent-up frustration and unresolved anger
- Often begin with “you”
Examples:
You are such a slob. You never pick up after yourself- your shoes are always piling up where you left them, you drop your clothes on the closet floor, you have piles of mail everywhere, and you can’t even throw away the envelopes when you open the mail. You don’t care anything about what’s important to me.
Complaint-
- Is aimed at a specific behavior and is situationally specific
- Can be stated without blame
- No more why, you, never, always, only
- Lots more “I”
Examples:
I need your help. I react to piles and clutter by getting anxious and tense. Keeping the den and kitchen clutter free will make a big difference in my ability to keep me calm. What are you willing to do about your shoes in the den and the mail in the kitchen to help me?
My stance – I agree with Mary Ann.
Learning the difference between criticizing and complaining requires us to be more thoughtful and intentional in what we say and how we say it. We become aware and sensitive to language that sends judging messages.
When we blow it, which we most certainly will do, we can learn how to hold ourselves accountable and take the necessary steps to rectify the situation.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.11 Responses to “Complaining’s Place In Marriage”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Trackbacks
-
[...] Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs. An effective complaint is one that [...]
-
[...] Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs. An effective complaint is one that [...]
-
[...] money, debt, and divorce?" And it was published in a Jan 27, 2009 blog article entitled "Complaining’s Place In Marriage." In addition, it was published in a Jan 13, 2009 blog titled "Karen Kalisek’s Top 20 [...]
-
[...] money, debt, and divorce?" And it was published in a Jan 27, 2009 blog article entitled "Complaining’s Place In Marriage." In addition, it was published in a Jan 13, 2009 blog titled "Karen Kalisek’s Top 20 [...]
I am a new subscriber to your blog. My husband and I are having a lot of problems right now. One of my downfalls is how critical I can be. Thank you for this article. I hope to put your stance into play in my personal life.
Sounds nice but… why the examples of criticism sound more natural to my ear than those of complaint
? (I don’t have a spouse)
@Pennie- Thanks for joining us. Glad you’re here!
@kid- Criticism may sound more natural because it is often easier to criticize and place blame for things in life than own up to our role in life’s issues. Complaining like this post describes requires ownership of the issues, which were most likely co-created anyway.
Oh, this is so good, Corey. Thank you. I think we get so busy in our daily lives and we speak without thinking sometimes. I am a VERY critical person and think that things that are my way are right and expect everyone in my house to follow the way I do it. Everything has it’s place (I am a Virgo, does that explain things?) I am really trying to learn how to let that sock lay in the middle of the floor (at least for an hour) lol… I promise I will try to do better.
So is complaining really just a different way of saying the same thing? For example:
Criticism- You are such a negative person. You always put everything down.
Complaint- I don’t want to be close to you when you are talking in a negative manner. Can you be more positive?
Is that it or am I missing the boat? Seems like semantics to me. It really makes that much difference?
@Laurie, the difference seems to be:
1. Complaint – you are doing something bad/I don’t like what you’re doing
2. Criticism – you are bad/ I don’t like you
Good post.
But i’d like to know what is the right approach when you do Complaint the way you suggested and there are not results in the short term.