Connecting In Order To Have The Best Marriage
photo credit: seanmcgrath
Editor’s Note: This post is by Sean Platt of Writer Dad.
My wife and I have been together for a dozen years. We have two children, the youngest starting kindergarten in the fall. We work side by side, seven days a week, building our future and celebrating our past. I am fortunate to have an unbelievably healthy marriage and I’d be a fool if I didn’t recognize what renders it so and do all I can to keep adding fuel to the fire.
A strong commitment to consistent communication is key to a thriving marriage. Your spouse is with you forever; richer, poorer, sickness, and health. Trusting them in every measure is the best thing you can do to strengthen what you already have.
Not too long ago, I was with a group of friends, telling a story. In the middle of the narrative one of my friends shot me the sort of look that leaves little room for interpretation. He wanted me to stop telling the story – immediately. I acquiesced, awkwardly shifted gears, and drove the direction of dialogue in the opposite direction. Later, when my friend and I were alone, he explained that he knew where I was going with the story, but there was a particular part he didn’t want me to say out loud.
The part of the story he was referring to was something so trivial it would never have been on my radar. “Why wouldn’t you want me to mention that?” I asked.
“Because I haven’t told my wife.”
What?
This little tidbit in the story was far from some top secret serum. It was merely a nugget from his yesterday when he had been human enough to ask someone for a bit of assistance.
I was flabbergasted. “Why wouldn’t you tell her that?” I asked.
“Because it’s shameful,” he replied.
“No it’s not,” I argued. “It’s human.”
He answered only with his silence.
I’ve thought a lot about the exchange since that day not too long ago. I can’t imagine hiding shame from my wife. I barely believe something is real until it is carried in the air from my mouth to her ears. I especially can’t imagine keeping my pain or hurt inside. People have a fundamental need to communicate. Who better to confide in than the one who hears you snore, takes care of you when you are sick, and knows the ebb and flow of the inside of you?
My wife is my best friend, but it is because I take the time to make it that way. Even working together, there are long stretches from light to dark passing between us without any non business related banter, but we always meet again before we retire.
It is important to connect if you want to stay plugged in, and absolutely essential to finding your best marriage.
This post was written by a guest author on Simple Marriage. If you enjoyed their work, please leave a comment and check out their site. Also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “Connecting In Order To Have The Best Marriage”
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this is great. i recently heard a song about this idea….it’s pointing to the fact that marriage becomes something more beautiful when we let one another into our ‘secret country.’ you can download it for free here:
http://www.andyosenga.com/2008/09/16/letters-to-the-editor-vol-ii/
i’m blogging at: http://burningbushes.org/
You were correct to honor your friends silent (but otherwise direct) request not to share that tidbit publicly. For all you know, there is much more beneath the surface that your friend and his wife are all too keenly aware of that you aren’t privy too. They may actually be as close to each other as you are to your wife, and as such have an inside track to a story you know nothing about.
As close as your are to your wife (and my hat is off to you), I will wager there are things that you two share that you wouldn’t want discussed with others; put yourself in his shoes for a moment – maybe your innocent comment would have hit far too close to a ‘nerve’ that ought not be touched. Maybe the ‘shame’ excuse was a convenient blind to disconnect further discussion outside of he and his wife. Maybe what you (and perhaps others) would call trivial would be a lot bigger to him.
Communication, verbal and non, is the life blood of a good relationship! While every relationship may not feel the need to share everyTHING; regular, sincere and loving communication allows the connection to thrive.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m terrible at communicating. I know there are things that both my wife and I don’t share and I’m not real sure how to rectify that.
Honesty doesn’t just mean telling the truth, but speaking up with the truth.
P.S. Hiding things from your spouse is bound to blow up in your face anyway since secrets almost never STAY secrets.
In the past I have not blatantly lied to my spouse but did omit certain things which is just as bad. I have found that the more secure I am in who I am, the further away I move for that past behavior. Before I wouldn’t want to deal with certain reactions he might have to the information. Now I realize that his reactions, are his reactions and I am not responsible for them. If he can’t handle the truth, then he need to figure it all out. It’s not my job to keep things from him to protect him or me. He’s a big guy and I’m not his mom and he can take care of himself. What a relief for me!
You like to communicate about difficult things? Can your wife rent you out?lol My husband has so much defensiveness and shame that he fudges the truth or keeps secrets about the silliest thing. This has led to many difficulties for us since I am a no secrets kind of gal and trust is hard for me. He always feels less than so I get accused of belittling him when I’m just asking a question like “Oh, you’re working today? I didn’t know that”. Well, what’s the big deal anyway kind of response! Well, it’s not a big deal but I do like to know who is going to pick up my daughter today that’s all! Anyway- thanks for another good post!
Sean,
I am proud of you! Congrats on this guest post, and a great one at that!
Nicole: I like that… our secret country. Well said actually. We all live our private lives, but by letting the person closest to us even closer we are widening the landscape of our existence.
Charlie: You are 100% correct with your statements. However, this friend is someone I’ve known for over 30 years, way way longer than he and his fairly new wife. In this particular context, I had a lot of information. Having said that, you are right, you can never truly know where someone else is coming from.
Suzi-Q: Exactly, it doesn’t have to be like going into a confessional every evening, but communication does have to be a constant within the relationship or the slow degrading is bound to happen.
Building Camelot: Start slow and take baby steps. Just make sure you do them regularly.
Hayden Tompkins: Bury a secret and it will boil back to the surface when you least expect it.
Laurie: That’s a fair point, Laurie. The more confident we are with ourselves, the easier it is to be straight up with our partners. When we begin to doubt ourselves it is easy to second guess what other people might think of us. Perhaps the reverse is true as well. If we don’t care what other people think, then it will be simpler to find our honesty.
Steph: Hey, Steph. What a nice surprise to see you. Thanks for your compliment!