Do You Want Your Marriage To Survive Or Thrive?
Do you believe that happiness is attainable?
Do you also believe that happiness is attainable in your current relationship?
After you answer these questions, your response might be – How?
Research shows that “there are few stronger predictions of happiness than a close, nurturing, equitable, intimate, lifelong companionship with one’s best friend.” ~ David Myers
Relationships continue to be an important part of life – in fact, there is no other topic written about more in books and poetry or discussed more in coffee shops, schools, or online than romantic love – yet with all the talk and desire for relationship with another, real work is usually only done when in crisis.
This is the same philosophy as driving your car day after day and only having work done after you break down on the highway.
Relationships are living organisms that require care and upkeep to thrive – but this isn’t necessary to simply survive. To survive, all you need is two people willing to settle on life and marriage as is. And a vast majority of marriages today are in this category.
Is yours?
What would it look like if your marriage went from surviving to thriving?
What would you be willing to do to help make this happen?
What I’ve discovered is that when a person works on making their marriage and life better, everything else gets better along with it.
So why don’t more couples take advantage of sites like Simple Marriage or other resources in order to work on making their marriage better before crisis occurs? Why do so many people settle on marriage and life as is?
I think the answer can be boiled down to this… school and early life prepare us to “paint by numbers.” Growing up you quickly learn what you have to do to achieve the next step. Take these courses assigned to you, jump through these hoops in order to achieve the thing, and on it goes. Life while in school and college is all mapped out for you.
Then relationships and marriage enter the picture. And after graduation, real life enters the picture as well.
The problem is – relationships and marriage are anything but paint by numbers.
In relationships, especially marriage, you are given a blank canvas and expected to create a masterpiece. Up to this point you’ve painted by numbers, now you’re looking at a blank canvas and it’s likely that deep down you’re terrified. So in order to reduce some of the fear, you do what you have to to survive.
After several years of surviving, it’s easy to believe that surviving is as good as it gets.
WELL, SIMPLY SURVIVING IS NOT AS GOOD AS IT GETS! THERE’S MORE… A LOT MORE!
The first step is to believe that you can live a life that thrives, that you can have a marriage that thrives. One of the greatest impediments you face in your pursuit of a thriving marriage and life is often a feeling that you are somehow unworthy of that type of life. And because of this feeling, you actually sabotage and undermine a thriving life.
Why would anyone actively deprive themselves of a thriving life? This quote from Marianne Williamson provides an answer:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
There are external and internal factors, cultural and psychological biases, and even political and societal beliefs that conspire against a life and marriage that thrives. But the biggest limitations are often self-generated. Fear keeps us from moving out from survival mode and into the unknown. Fear keeps us from living a life fully alive.
And even if you do begin to thrive, you may receive push-back, be it internal or external, that leads you to feeling guilty because there are other people less fortunate. The implicit, and false, assumption underlying such push-back is that thriving is a zero-sum gain – that your thriving necessarily deprives others of theirs.
Williamson responds to this by saying:
As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
It’s when we live a life that thrives that we can best help others to do the same.
Photo courtesy sara.atkins
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.15 Responses to “Do You Want Your Marriage To Survive Or Thrive?”
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You had me until you started hawking your own wares. I thought the article would be about something other than how I had to buy your services to have a good marriage.
This was not the intent of the post. The intent is simply to encourage anyone and everyone to live a life that is more alive. To thrive in marriage and in life. Whether it’s through something I offer or not isn’t the point – the point is to live fully alive!
The only thing I’m “selling” is the idea that you can experience a lot more in marriage and in life. Thanks for the feedback.
Menly, I hope you will go back and re-read this article as I believe you must have misread something. I have read it three times and fail to find any self promotion. There are quotes from someone else’s work (Marianne Williamson), but not a single referrence to Corey’s own book or services.
I feel this article challenges each of us to realize and accept that we are capable and worthy of better than the status quo that most marriages unfortunately settle for, and many sadly die from. That the “dream” is within our reach and we each are privileged to our own happiness, both individually and in our relationships.
To be fair- after this was posted I did go back and remove a line from the end of the post (it asked who else was interested in joining me on an adventure to more in life and then asked for comments or to send me an email). This could have been read as a request for my services so I took it out after the initial comment because I don’t want it to come across as I’m selling something other than the idea that there’s more in marriage and life.
I read that line but didn’t think it was inappropriate Corey.
I know we’ve all been to the grocery store where they are handing out samples of their products. By doing this they obviously want to give you an idea of what you get when you buy product X. This blog (IMHO) along with MOST of the blogs out there are like that. Corey, you give out samples of what can be offered on a much grander scale should someone choose to purchase your services. I love that. If I am going to spend the money on marriage coaching or therapy, it’s great to already know your philosophy by reading your blog. If I am not in need of coaching or therapy, then I still benefit by all the wonderful information you give out for free here on your blog.
I’m not sure people realize that you hold a PhD in marriage and family therapy. Most Phd’s wouldn’t give out any information without an appointment costing 100+ dollars for a 50 minute hour. You give freely here and make a difference for people who are regular readers of SM. It is their choice as to whether or not they take it a step further and hire you to take their marriage to the next level. I truly believe that if you didn’t promote yourself, people wouldn’t realize all that you can do for them. They wouldn’t know the tremendous resource that you are. Don’t apologize for promoting yourself. I say, let us know what you have to offer! What’s that John Eldredge quote? “Be who you are and let the world deal with it!”
Corey,
Great post. I’m engaged and think this site will be a good resource as my fiance and I prepare for marriage. I love the quote from Marianne Williamson. It’s applicable to so many areas of life. And I didn’t get the sense that you were pushing any particular service or product.
I was one that felt I wasn’t allowed to live fully alive. I thought I had to be born into the right circumstance or know the right people or something. I guess I was one that felt I didn’t deserve to have adventures and really do the things in life that I deep down yearned to do. Now, thanks to you Corey, I have gotten off the porch and started down the trail to some adventure. Life is so much better on the trail. Not only has my quality of life increased greatly, but my relationship with my hub has too. Corey I hope others can learn from you the lessons about living that I have and still learn from you. Rock on!
My wife and I entered into our marriage determined not to just survive. Yes, this means it takes more effort, but our friendship (and love) grow stronger every day because of it. We have made it through some hard times as well as sharing the joy of happy ones.
I get to see my best friend every day and share my life with her. What more could I ask for?
My marriage gets better all the time – looking at the length of it – with lots of ups and downs. I don’t want to just survive; we’ve done that; we’re moving on to thriving now.
“The first step is to believe” is most important. Three friends of mine suffer from anxiety and depression, long-term, but more seriously now. Their fears are self-generated. They are hitting a wall of self-doubt. They have lost the sense of purpose in life. Your advice applies not only to those of us who thrive in marriage.
I definitely did not think you were trying to sell your services…definitely never the term used ” hawking”. I read as more of a challenge to help your marriage thrive. Everyone responds better to something if it’s in a thriving environment, but we have to be ready and willing to first, acknowledge what needs improvement and secondly, work on it. That’s what I got. Paint by numbers clearly means someone did it for you. Realizing you can have a thriving=meaning NEVER STOPS GROWING…marriage beyond extraordinaire means you have to work together. And, that if you do not pay attention closely, you will miss the signs and next steps to be taken to get there!
Your awesome
Thanks for the comment Celeste – and for the email. I tried to reply to your email but it keeps bouncing back. If you have another address, send me another email and I’ll try that one. Have a great weekend!
falling apart after 13 yrs of marrage and 18 years together. Its seems to be all me (paranoia) about what could be rather than letting it flow.
we have had the same arguement day in and day out. usually after we have an awesome time out toghether.
Corey,
This is a great post. I commented on the status of my marriage on one of your recent guest posts on another blog. I don’t know if you remember, or not, but I wanted to let you know that my marriage is THRIVING!!! For a long time (actually, nearly the whole time we’ve been together – 2 1/2 years), it was a marriage that was barely surviving, and in the last couple months, it was falling completely apart. Almost 2 weeks ago, I found out about my husband’s infidelity and it presented an opportunity for me to be completely honest with him about my own infidelity. Miraculously, we are both determined to forgive each other, realign our misplaced priorities, and to have a thriving marriage. I’ll be bold enough to say that the grace of God is playing a part in this one! He asked me to send him the link to your blog, so he can have the little reminders and encouragers to stay focused on a beautiful marriage.
One thing that is key to our success is really open communication founded on love. I was wondering if you would be interested in posting a conversation piece every so often that would be a beneficial topic for couples needing to grow in that aspect of intimacy?
I appreciate your blog and that you do offer these “services” freely. You’re doing a great thing!
Thank you!
Thanks Alison- the idea of a conversation piece every so often is not a bad idea, but keep in mind my belief about communication in committed relationships – you can not not communicate. Most often the problem is that we don’t like the message being sent.
Best of luck on the new level of honesty in your marriage, may things continue to get better each day. Blessings.