Don’t borrow trouble
As most of you know, this past week my wife lost her father due to brain cancer. The week surrounding his death was a blur. So much to get done, so many people to see, others to hug and talk with. As I look back on last week, it was great to see the impact my father-in-law had upon so many people. The stories shared at his funeral and around the house were the kinds that stir something deep within you. Make you strive to be better. To influence so many people for good as he did.
Now that the immediate tasks surrounding his death are over, life begins to set in again. Although I hope that it sets in differently this time. My plan is to live life more intentionally from here forward. To start, I am adopting a phrase from my mother-in-law. Several weeks before my father-in-law’s passing, my wife was talking with her mother about all the things that could happen as dad’s cancer spread and the care that would entail. What if this happens? What if that happens? And so on. Her mother’s response to these questions; honey, don’t borrow trouble.
Don’t borrow trouble. There are many times where we get caught up in the overwhelming future of things. The unknown dominates our thoughts. We ruminate on the things we can not control or are unable to address. I am not saying that planning ahead is a bad thing to do. But obsessing about the planning is.
In my mother-in-laws case, she was simply focusing on the tasks right in front of her and making the most of every moment with her husband. To worry about the future could have caused her to miss some of the present. Besides, the future was beyond her control at that time anyway. She wisely chose to live in the moment; tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
Where do you borrow trouble in your life? Where do you get so caught up in the planning of the future and all its tasks that you miss the moments going on right in front of you? Let’s begin a dialogue about this perspective. What has helped you live in the moment? What has helped you enjoy the blessings life has to offer right now? Feel free to email me or post a comment.
This week, slow down and enjoy the cool evenings with your family. Sit outside at sunset and watch the colors change in the sky. Wrestle with your kids in the front yard. Play catch. Go for a walk with your spouse. And while you do any or all of these things, don’t borrow trouble, you miss what’s right in front of you.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.
You asked where do I borrow trouble in my life? I tend to borrow trouble from my past. I let my past hinder my enjoyment of my present. Because I tote my past along with me, I am burdened in the present and looking at the future ready to duck. My efforts are now focused (notice I did not say try!) on looking for the pleasures of the present. They have been simple things really, like music, writing a poem, time with friends, pretty clouds, and my dogs playing. I’m also finding a lot of pleasure from talking to God. I’m focusing more on being aware of God in my present. I want to find more pleasure in Him.
I heard an interesting story last night that reminded me of your article. There was a lady who had decided to finally take the plunge, literally, and bungee jump. She reached the summit from where she would strap up and jump off. As the “professional†helped her into her gear, the lady kept talking and talking from a place of nervousness and fear. She wanted to jump, decided to jump, but was so tense about it that she kept filling the moment with her questions and talking. What was even funnier, her conversation wasn’t even about where she was and what she was doing. Finally, the professional had the lady all safely strapped up and prepared for the jump. Standing at the edge of the platform, the lady just continued to ask nonsensical questions. Finally, the professional, looked at the lady, unzipped his jacket and revealed his T-shirt which said, “SHUT UP and JUMP!â€
What did worrying cause the lady to miss out on? Did this lady even notice the scenery? Was she enjoying the moment to the fullest? Was she still talking to herself as she plummeted down? Did she even get to plummet due to her worrying? Was the experience all it could be?
How many times do I not enjoy getting ready for and actually jumping in life because of what you spoke of in your article? What do I miss along the way? I think probably a great deal. I think maybe part of the problem is getting so caught up in the worrying instead of stopping and being still. Focusing more on what I am missing instead of what I have. These habits and mind sets didn’t develop without a history and certainly not overnight. It seems breaking them would be a sequential process. After recognizing when you are wound up in the worry, what would you do to get yourself to the place where you can shut up and jump?
Your article came to me at a time in my life where learning to savor the present has really come into focus.
I am in a point in my life where I feel truly blessed on all counts and I am making every effort to avoid getting so caught up in planning for the future that it takes away from savoring today.
Fortunately my deep faith in spirit, and my wonderful partner (and best friend) are giving me the support and reminding I need to appreciate every moment big and small.
Together we support each other in planing for the future while living for today.
To Joy: You go girl! How wonderful to live in such blessings and with a great guy by your side. Do you know how fortunate you are? Where do you balance not getting caught up in planning for the future and planning for the future while living for today?
You keep that savoring going.
As you know, my job is very difficult right now. There are many things about it that are out of my control but impact me greatly. You have told me to not borrow trouble and you say that here in this blog. I know I am suppose to give up the anxiousness to God and take on His peace. I am having a difficult time not constantly thinking about the work problems. I feel very out of control with work and with controlling my thoughts about it. Any advise on how to let it go and forge ahead without being consumed with anxiety?
I hope your Christmas was wonderful. Mine was very nice.
The fact that you were able to have a very nice holiday shows that you are already able to not borrow trouble. You may still have more to improve, but being able to enjoy things in the midst of difficulty is the point of this idea. So… well done!
I got my friend and me a “gratitude” journal. I felt we both needed to focus more on what was good in our lives than what is difficult or bad. With this I’m not focusing so much on the obvious things I am grateful for like family, health, having a home (although I am tremendously grateful for those things)but rather I am focusing on finding the the obscure things that I might not have noticed that I am grateful for. So far I have written about how I’m grateful that my spouse is giving me room to explore who I am without being judged. I wrote about being grateful that there was peace in my house this Christmas. Today I am going to write about how grateful I am for my new blanket. It is the softest thing in the entire world.
In this journal, I am also writing about what I am grateful for in the future. For example, I wrote about being grateful that my relationship with my husband will be better and better. I am also grateful in the future that I will lay down on this very soft blanket with my husband and feel its softness all over. he he he.
My friend and I are going to talk every Sunday and share some things from our journal that we wrote about. I think it will be good for both of us to recognize the good things in life and give them more value than the hard things that we go through. What do you think? :O)