Whatever you focus on, grows.
So how much time and energy do you spend focused on your expectations?
A good working definition of expectations is planned disappointment. And expectations are directly correlated with happiness, or more aptly, unhappiness.
When what we expect to happen does not happen, we are disappointed and we suffer pain at some level. The greater the expectation, the greater the pain.
Ironically, we are also likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met!
I shall explain.
We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen.
If you expect your spouse to help with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your spouse does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your spouse does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be
- Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
- Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
- Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
- Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”
When you are dog tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your spouse cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected them to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help!
When you are truly grateful for something, you cannot help but feel happiness.
Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. ~ Dennis Prager
Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.
Where do our expectations come from?
Our expectations are the confused result of our reactions, our thoughts, and our emotional heritage. We confuse wants with needs, anticipation with expectation, loneliness with emptiness, touch with sex, talk with communication, ideals with reality, and self with relationships.
We confuse what we can get only from within ourselves with what we can get only from a relationship.
This confusion drives us to continually
- try to get from someone else what we can get only from ourselves,
- or try to get from ourselves what we can get only from a relationship.
No matter how hard or long we try, we will never be complete in this life.
We cannot be complete as an individual, and we cannot be complete by marrying or having children.
We cannot be completely secure emotionally nor can we know everything about any one thing.
When we are fixated on finding completeness in this life, we become so anxious that we either aim for absolute safety or we stay paralyzed for fear of not getting it [completeness].
The expectation that we can be complete and the desperate search for it leads people to attempt the impossible. The fantasy world is full of the illusion of completeness – which leads people to drugs, sex, alcohol, money, conflict, helplessness, power – all of the world’s ills.
We’re all a little lonely, we all feel some sense of inadequacy, some fear of failure – in other words, we all feel some emptiness.
This is a natural state of being, and in my Christian worldview, designed by God to draw us to Him.
Growing up – becoming emotionally mature – is all about how we handle the uncertainty – the incompleteness – of life. When we are able to accept and understand that this emptiness is a natural part of being human, we are on the path to a better life.
The less aware we are of our own emptiness, the more unrealistically we raise our level of expectations on others. High expectations become hypersensitive and emotionally reactive. So much focus is placed on what others are or are not doing that there is little time left for self-focus.
The more successfully we can lower our expectations of others, the more time we have to develop our personal sense of responsibility – and the more effort we put into living up to our personal responsibilities, the more we experience responsibility as joy and fulfillment.
Unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want now.
We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be more – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful.
Make gratitude a habit.
- Write down three things everyday that you are grateful for –– and see how many days you can come up three things to be grateful for – without repeating yourself!
- Get a copy of The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude by Sarah Ban Breathnach and write in it everyday for a year.
- Write your gratitudes on post-it notes and stick them around the house, in the car, in your spouse/kids’ lunch bags . . . surround yourself with reminders of what you have to be grateful for.
- Send a note to everyone that helped you in some way this year – and start with those closest to you – your spouse, your kids, your parents, and your siblings.
Whatever you focus on, grows.
Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.
Another great read on this idea can be found here: Toss your expectations into the ocean.
Prager, D. 1998. Happiness is a serious problem.
Fogarty, T.F. 1978. On emptiness and closeness. In The Family, Compendium I.
(photo source)
To propose having expectations in marriage is a bad a thing is just plain naive. Not managing or discussing expectations is another matter altogether.
I agree. I would love to hear the author’s comments on where to draw the line on expectations. Clearly they would say that the expectation of ‘being faithful to my wife’ is an OK expectation. But it sounds like expecting her to keep the house clean is not OK, nor is it healthy. I have had a great conversation with my wife about this and we would both like to know exactly why it is a bad thing to have expectations. And which expectations are good versus bad. One more thing, how does one drop expectations that they have carried for years and is a part of a marriage relationship.
@Clint:
Interesting that you identified expectations of yourself to be faithful to your wife as okay, and expectations of your wife to clean the house as not okay or healthy. As stated below in my reply to Mrs. Late Bloomer, my focus is on the observation of the impact of expectations – and I’m interested in what is effective and helpful in relationships, and what is ineffective and hurtful in relationships.
In general, the more focused I am on MY behavior, MY word, MY thoughts, the more effective I am in my most important relationships. And the opposite is also true – the more focused I am on what someone else is/is not doing, saying, or thinking, the more disappointed I am likely to be, UNLESS I’m looking for the good in them.
Whatever you look for, you will find. Whatever you focus on, grows.
I love how you said “the more focused I am on MY behavior, MY word, MY thoughts, the more effective I am in my most important relationships.” Recently I have begun to start saying things like “I feel” instead of “You make me feel” and it has worked wonders with my husband and I’s communication. No one likes to be nagged or told what they are doing wrong, and you are always the only person you CAN control.
The key idea I hoped to convey is that expectations undermine gratitude – which is distinctly different from the idea that expectations are bad. It’s just an observation of the cause and effect impact expectations have on gratitude.
I think that often what we expect from others turns out to be our efforts to change them. And we are usually trying to change others to be more like us. We ‘expect’ those we love to rearrange themselves for our comfort and well-being.
I believe that effective expectations are those we place on ourselves. My goal is to live my life according to a set of principles that call on the best in me and I expect my thoughts, words, and behavior to reflect that.
This is so true, and such a good reminder. What I focus on really does grow, whether I’m pursuing a positive line of thought or a really ugly one. Of course I expect good things from my spouse, but I’m so much more mature than I used to be–and I don’t expect everything from him, nor should I.
But an eloquent reminder is always, always welcome.
Thank you. I needed this reminder.
Great article! Very very true. Our country is plagued by entitlement which is the opposite of gratitude. Taking the time to be grateful will fill your life and everyone around you with happiness. Thank you for this wonderful article.
I’ve always believed that ‘Expectation=Frustration’. This is simply because we can only control what we do, not what another person does, no matter how close we are to them. The question, in marriage particluarly, is how much do we love the other person and what are WE willing to do to love them in return. Our focus should be on what WE do not on what the other does.
The serenity prayer used by AA says it all:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Graham, I like this adaptation of the serenity prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
Courage to change the One I can,
And wisdom to know that ONE is ME!
I like that, MaryAnne.
Ooh, I like that! I’m going to write that on a post it right now.
Ok. I hesitated to write this because I agree with everything that’s been written in this article. The problem is, I grew up having this drilled into my head and I expect the worst of everything a) so I’m never disappointed and b) so that when good things do happen I am SO HAPPY! What happens is I have very low lows when I am usually right, and pretty high highs when the unexected comes through.
No, I’m not bi-polar. But being a realist is definitely not fun.
This post was a great reminder of something that I struggle with frequently. The higher my expectations, the less satisfied I find I am with whatever I was so excited about. Learning how to temper my emotions has been a challenge, but I am making progress and continue to work towards contentment. I really liked these statements:
“Whatever you focus on, grows. Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.”
Thank you for taking the time to share this, Mary Ann!
I really like the distinction you’ve made about the relationship between expectations and gratitude. Many conversations I’ve had on this subject tend to just revolve around the “expectations are bad” notion, which is obviously problematic and also really well addressed by your comments.
Thanks!
Very nice post. I struggle with expectations and I don’t even realize it most of the time.
But about gratitude….Have you read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp? It’s a fabulous journey through thanksgiving’s ability to restore our relationship with God…and becoming complete.
Thank you for your post.
I have seen it and its true that Expectation is the path to Unhappy marriage. If one wish to avoid the pain of divorce and save marriage, they need to have realistic expectations on each other.
This is a concept that sounds nice in theory, but it is subject to abuse in application. There are some pragmatic issues that aren’t really resolved by having no expectations. So, the house needs cleaning for Saturday night company. It’s unreasonable for me to expect help with that? I get that having the expectation go unmet leads to unhappiness. I get that both parties should do what is right because they are intrinsically compelled to do so. But what do you do on those occasions when intrinsic desires are incompatible and there is a practical problem to be solved?
In regards to fidelity, it is entirely appropriate to have expectations and to state those. It won’t stop someone from violating their vows, but it does clarify the communicaton surrounding what what constitutes fidelity and what one can reasonably expect given another’s word on the issue.
What about honesty and integrity? Should we not expect those who’ve pledged to love us to behave more or less consistently when it comes to these things?
I think happiness occurs when intent, thought, words and actions are congruent. If I state my intentions, the people I care about should be able to expect that I will behave accordingly.
I am more comfortable with the idea that unrealistic and uncommunicated expectations lead to unhappiness. I have just seen this particular slant on it used as an excuse for selfishness more often than not. As a result, people simply bounce from person to person looking for someone whose intrinsic desires consistently match theirs. Another translation of this is that we miss opportunities for growth, since we are all inconsistent and selfish at times.