Fear or fully alive?
Named must your fear be before banish it you can.
-YODA, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back
Many people go into a marriage with an ideal in mind. After saying “I do” to him or her, life will be a happily ever after, long walk on a sunset beach, hand in hand, staring into each others eyes, and then making love in the morning with the cool breeze through the window and the birds singing in the trees- Blah, Blah, Blah. If you are currently married, you know full well that this fairy tale seldom, if ever occurs.
How many of us go into a relationship having thought through worst case scenarios? What’s the worst that could happen in a marriage? Is it the prospect of divorce? Maybe. For me, the worst case scenario would be monotony. Settling for the same thing each and every day for as long as we both shall live. Where do I sign?
I am not in favor of divorce. Most of the time, it is the easy way out. Failing to acknowledge a possibility does not make it go away. Inherent in every relationship is the ending of it. Honestly address the fact that our relationships involve risk, and then we are more capable of conquering the fear often associated with the risk. The thing about risk; risks often aren’t that scary once you face them.
Most people become paralyzed when faced with the prospect of risking their relationship. They will choose unhappiness over uncertainty. They choose to settle with their spouse. The idea becomes “well if this is as good as it’s going to get, ok,” or “they are never going to change so I might as well get used to it.” In this scenario, the only thing left to do is wait for death, which may be a long way off.
What if we actually faced the fear? Took a risk?
It’s amazing to me that when faced with the prospect of divorce or changing some things in the marriage, many people do not choose to change (at least within the current marriage)! However, when a spouse joins you in the process of changing some things, tremendous energy is discovered. It all begins with a pointed discussion regarding the current state of the marriage. From there, you can begin to design the relationship you both want. The Marriage Fully Alive team is producing some resources to assist in this process. Be watching for these products, due out around the beginning of 2008!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.4 Responses to “Fear or fully alive?”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Trackbacks
-
[...] more in liferead more | digg [...]
-
[...] impose on life. But do these limitations mean you no longer live life? No. You can incorporate your dreams into your marriage or your marriage into your dreams. As you read the rest of this post, keep this in mind: [...]
My biggest fear………..being abandoned. Ok I named it. Poof…Did it go away? No.
Hum….so people would choose divorce over change. Interesting. I think I settled for other things over divorce because of my biggest fear. I chose some good times but I also chose a lot of not so good times. It seemed the risk of changing was very great. Now I am attempting the changed. It’s still risky. You have to hear things that you don’t want to hear and feel pain you don’t want to feel. You want to duck and hide. I try not to but then I get hit with the reality of who I am and what life is and I just want to go cry and hide in my bed. I get hit with the understanding that I am really alone in the world. I got hit with a big brick yesterday. I didn’t see it coming and I’m not over it yet. I took a risk and got hit. Now I’m stuck. I guess it is a part of the risk I take so I can change and grow. Life is so risky. A mine field. Very scary.
So my choice is not whether to divorce, settle, or change. I feel like my choice is really pain here or pain there. Right now I am choosing pain there hoping that in the long run, change will be good even though painful and risky, and I will be more fully alive in the end. Time will tell. Maybe the force will be with me. Who knows.
I came across a quote from Larry Crabb,
“Those who hold on to the illusion of control lose the enjoyment of freedom.”
I thought this was something to ponder. How do you see it meshing with your idea of living life fully alive? You seem to have intent with designing life. How does this idea fit in? Or does it? Happy New Year!