Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
Changing behavior often begins with an end- we have to STOP a negative behavior in order to effectively START a positive behavior.
- STOP spending in order to START saving
- STOP eating doughnuts in order to START losing weight
- STOP sleeping late in order to START going to the gym
- STOP watching TV in order to START a project
- STOP talking contemptuously to your spouse in order to START building a marriage that matters
So we STARTED the year focusing on what has to STOP by looking at the impact of the Four Horsemen, harsh start up, and body language on the state of our marriages.
Another behavior that needs to stop is emotional flooding – the fourth divorce predictor based on Dr. John Gottman’s research.
Flooding is your physiological reaction to a perceived threat. The threat can be real, it can be an old tape replaying [a pattern], or it can be imagined. Automatic, instinctive, reactive processes [emotions] rush in to protect you from threat.
You remember what being flooded feels like, don’t you?
It’s when your heart rate jumps 10, 20, or as many as 30 beats within the space of a single heartbeat and goes over 100 beats per minute, sometimes as high 165 beats per minute. Keep in mind that a typical heart rate for a 30 year old man is 76 beats per minute and for a 30 year old woman it’s 82 beats per minute.
Your blood pressure rises, giving you an instant headache. Some people start to feel nauseous, dizzy, and sometimes drowsy. Your hands begin to sweat, and your breathing becomes irregular and shallow. You feel confused and you can’t think clearly, if at all.
Being flooded is a like being instantly transported back to the cave. The most primitive part of your brain takes over and is now in full control of you. I call it my alligator brain, in deference to my Louisiana heritage. Nothing good comes out of my alligator brain. If I speak or act after getting into my alligator brain, I’ll regret it.
The experience of flooding is different for men and women.
Men flood quicker – it takes less negativity for them to perceive threat. They are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than women – that’s why the female soft start is so important. Once men get flooded, they stay flooded longer – they become hypervigilant. Since they’re usually not very good at soothing and calming themselves down, they withdraw and stonewall to protect themselves. As soon they withdraw from the threat, their heart rates drop by about ten beats per minute, bringing a sense of relief.
Women are more readily able to calm down from a flooded state within 20 minutes. Ironically, when the man uses withdrawal and stonewalling to calm himself down, the woman’s heart rate goes up!
Flooding takes on a life of its own – that’s why it’s called emotional high jacking (Daniel Goleman). The more often you get flooded, the harder it becomes to calm yourself down when you do get flooded.
How do you bail yourself out once you’re flooded?
Stop. State your condition.
“My heart is pounding, I can hardly breathe, I feel like my head is going to explode.”
“I’m flooded.”
“I’m losing it.”
“I’m upset.”
“My alligator brain has taken control of me.”
Take responsibility for yourself.
“I have to calm myself down.”
Tell how you’re going to do it.
“I’m going for a 30 minute walk.”
“I’m going to lie down in the other room and listen to some soothing music.”
“I’m going to do some stretching and breathing exercises.”
“I’m going to soak in a hot tub.”
Do it.
This is not a negotiation – you are not asking for or seeking your partner’s approval to stop and take care of your flooded state.
Guard your thoughts diligently while self-soothing. Mentally rehearsing your righteous indignation, replaying wounding words, or holding onto victim hood will keep you flooded or escalate your flooded state. This is the time to ask yourself, “What do I know that is good and true about my spouse?”
Once calm, make an effort to calm and soothe each other.
“I’m glad we stopped before we said ugly things.”
“What signals can we come up with as a warning that things are heating up too much?”
“What could I say or do to keep things calmer?”
“I’d like it if you would . . .”
“I thought about how many times you’ve been there for me . . “
Learn what triggers you into a flooded state and start looking at that issue when you’re in a non-threatening situation. Learn what triggers your partner’s flooding and take responsibility NOT to push those buttons.
Mary Ann is a marriage and family therapist, and a writer. She returned to college at the ripe age of 52, completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in four years, and is Cajun thru and thru. If you're not sure what that means, come by her house whenever family is around - you'll figure it out.
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I had a kind of success yesterday. I sent the hub an email asking his opinion on a move I was considering in my business. He replied with a rather lengthy response which included a ton of other helpful hints that he felt I should move on. He had mentioned them before but I had yet to act. His email was full of emotion and in the past I would have fired back with both barrels but why? I stopped and looked at the message without the emotion in it. He was really right with what information he was giving me. He has my best interests at heart. Dog gone it, he does know more about the business world than I do. So my reply to him was very simple. I said, I totally agree with all you have said. I will get on it now.
This morning he thanked me for not being angry with the tone of the email. I told him his wisdom was right and I appreciated his opinion. I knew he only wants good things for me and when he fears I’m making a wrong move, he doesn’t want me to be hurt. It was really kind of cool to give him the freedom to sound troubled without having to jump on his boat BUT hearing the message beneath the emotion. Corey, am I growing up?
Laurie,
Your description sounds like awareness of old patterns, of strengths and weaknesses, applied in choosing a different reaction. What a difference it makes!!
What do you think about whether or not you are growing up? One marker for emotional maturity is our ability to self-validate – to reasonably and accurately be able to assess and to know our strengths and weaknesses.
What do I think? I’ve come a long way. Different things are important, like the bottom line and not the crap that gets in the way. Knowing the hubs heart is good and everyone has hard days but that doesn’t mean I have to fix it. I am working hard on taking care of me. I have worked very hard on me over the past few years, especially the last 2 or 3. Corey has taught me a great deal. I want him to see I am still working hard and growing. Why? Just cause….I like what I am doing, proud of my progress and I want him to know. Somehow that is important to me. Maybe that isn’t mature in itself but it is….
Mary Ann,
This was another great post. I didn’t know there was a term for what happens and ‘flooding’ is a good name. Like Laurie, I feel I’ve come a long way and am proud of myself. Still a long way to go, of course, and your posts are helping. Great job, Mary Ann! It’s been Stumbled.
Thanks for the stumble, Daphne. Glad to know someone besides me is benefitting from the mental workout of writing these posts;-))!
LOVE your recent post – 8 Lessons a Nearly Dead Dog Taught Me about Living!
Simple Marriage readers, check it out!
http://www.joyfuldays.com/life-and-death/8-lessons-a-nearly-dead-dog-taught-me-about-living/
Thanks for sharing your post.
Hi Mary Ann,
This is a great post! Thank you.
You know, my wife and I have a simple routine to help prevent flooding. The routine includes:
1. Preparing a negotiated list of “hot” issues to discuss;
2. Scheduling our discussions;
3. Holding our discussions in relaxing places (usually during an evening stroll or while dining out); and
4. Abiding by “rules of discussion” designed to avoid inflammatory comments and behavior.
Thus far it’s worked very well for us.
Michael,
Planning ahead – another example of what it means to be aware, reasonably and accurately identify strenths and weaknesses, and use failure to create success.
The plan is a way to STOP flooding before it has a chance to START! Good tips.
Most of my 18-year marriage was abusive. I have been out for 4 years now, and am making tremendous progress. Not re-married, but in a wonderful long-term relationship with a man who does a tremendous job of helping me work through what I call the “conditioned responses”.
Conditioned Responses … much like Pavlov’s Dog. Drat the things anyway! That is when my body does much what you are describing as flooding, so fast that my logical side cannot stop it! Thankfully, most of that happens through work situations, and not at home!
On the plus side, I have gotten very good in the last couple of years about retreating until the hormones recede, and the blood pressure levels! I know that I can share with my Sweetheart when it happens (often by email, because there is a LOT of emotion that makes it difficult to even speak sometimes, but I am getting more comfortable with the idea of sharing face to face), and tell him what triggered me. He thanks me for sharing, and lets me own my feelings. By my exposing my triggers to him, he might change something he does, or we might just talk about why that is a trigger for me, and decide what to do about it.
So, I am learning to be thankful for the “conditioned responses”, as they help us build a deeper connection, and it helps me in my own healing process. I am also very thankful that this darling man hardly ever triggers me! What a BLESSING he is to me!
Great post, such a good way to describe what goes on and why men and women react the way they do…this happened to me just this morning! Thought I was fine and then some little thing triggered something and off I went. Fortunately, DH left for the day and I was able to work through calming myself down…this is a great checklist for such situations! Thanks. I think I will post it in my kitchen…
I’m so glad that I’m not at anomaly for responding so drastically to my husband’s stonewalling. I know he doesn’t do it for the same reasons I would, but even that knowledge doesn’t keep the tears from nearing the surface.
Suzi-Q,
Oftentimes, our conditioned responses are rooted in childhood experiences. It can be productive to observe how other family members, including your extended family, have similar reactions. It’s wonderful to be in a relationship that does not “trigger” you – the goal for all of us working on our emotional maturity is to become more and more responsible [able to respond appropriately] for our triggers.
Becky,
I’ve found that in order for me to change any behavior, I first need to understand what it is I’m trying to change. The knowledge helps me become a better observer – more aware. I can then use that awareness to both prevent situations that set me up for a triggered reaction, and/or to interrupt me – and remind me that I have options.
Heather,
It made such a big difference to me to realize that DH was not stonewalling because he didn’t care, or wouldn’t listen, or didn’t want to work hard enough – but that he cared so much he did not want to say or do something he would regret. That “reframe” made it possible for me to give him the space he needed once he started shutting down, and to think of how I might make the conversation safe enough for both of us to continue.
“STOP eating doughnuts in order to START losing weight”
Mary Ann are you trying to SAY SOMETHING?
Actually this is an incredible article and touches on the whole “anti-habit” thing I’ve been mulling over. The process is crucial to getting past “me” to “us”. Bloody well done.