Comments on: Flooding – Stop to Start

By: How To Keep Arguments From Escalating

How To Keep Arguments From Escalating — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:51:07 +0000

[...] more, check out How To Fight in Marriage and the idea of the physiological response to a perceived threat – Flooding. If you are currently in negative override, How to Say I’m Sorry will be worth the read [...]

By: Hayden Tompkins

Hayden Tompkins — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:12:48 +0000

“STOP eating doughnuts in order to START losing weight”

Mary Ann are you trying to SAY SOMETHING?

Actually this is an incredible article and touches on the whole “anti-habit” thing I’ve been mulling over. The process is crucial to getting past “me” to “us”. Bloody well done.

By: Mary Ann

Mary Ann — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:06:36 +0000

Suzi-Q,
Oftentimes, our conditioned responses are rooted in childhood experiences. It can be productive to observe how other family members, including your extended family, have similar reactions. It’s wonderful to be in a relationship that does not “trigger” you – the goal for all of us working on our emotional maturity is to become more and more responsible [able to respond appropriately] for our triggers.

Becky,
I’ve found that in order for me to change any behavior, I first need to understand what it is I’m trying to change. The knowledge helps me become a better observer – more aware. I can then use that awareness to both prevent situations that set me up for a triggered reaction, and/or to interrupt me – and remind me that I have options.

Heather,
It made such a big difference to me to realize that DH was not stonewalling because he didn’t care, or wouldn’t listen, or didn’t want to work hard enough – but that he cared so much he did not want to say or do something he would regret. That “reframe” made it possible for me to give him the space he needed once he started shutting down, and to think of how I might make the conversation safe enough for both of us to continue.

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:28:56 +0000

I’m so glad that I’m not at anomaly for responding so drastically to my husband’s stonewalling. I know he doesn’t do it for the same reasons I would, but even that knowledge doesn’t keep the tears from nearing the surface.

By: Becky

Becky — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:04:23 +0000

Great post, such a good way to describe what goes on and why men and women react the way they do…this happened to me just this morning! Thought I was fine and then some little thing triggered something and off I went. Fortunately, DH left for the day and I was able to work through calming myself down…this is a great checklist for such situations! Thanks. I think I will post it in my kitchen…

By: Suzi~Q

Suzi~Q — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:33:30 +0000

Most of my 18-year marriage was abusive. I have been out for 4 years now, and am making tremendous progress. Not re-married, but in a wonderful long-term relationship with a man who does a tremendous job of helping me work through what I call the “conditioned responses”.

Conditioned Responses â€¦ much like Pavlovâ€™s Dog. Drat the things anyway! That is when my body does much what you are describing as flooding, so fast that my logical side cannot stop it! Thankfully, most of that happens through work situations, and not at home!

On the plus side, I have gotten very good in the last couple of years about retreating until the hormones recede, and the blood pressure levels! I know that I can share with my Sweetheart when it happens (often by email, because there is a LOT of emotion that makes it difficult to even speak sometimes, but I am getting more comfortable with the idea of sharing face to face), and tell him what triggered me. He thanks me for sharing, and lets me own my feelings. By my exposing my triggers to him, he might change something he does, or we might just talk about why that is a trigger for me, and decide what to do about it.

So, I am learning to be thankful for the “conditioned responses”, as they help us build a deeper connection, and it helps me in my own healing process. I am also very thankful that this darling man hardly ever triggers me! What a BLESSING he is to me!

By: Mary Ann Crossno

Mary Ann Crossno — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:28:48 +0000

Michael,
Planning ahead – another example of what it means to be aware, reasonably and accurately identify strenths and weaknesses, and use failure to create success.

The plan is a way to STOP flooding before it has a chance to START! Good tips.

By: Michael

Michael — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 04:15:48 +0000

Hi Mary Ann,

This is a great post! Thank you.

You know, my wife and I have a simple routine to help prevent flooding. The routine includes:

1. Preparing a negotiated list of “hot” issues to discuss;
2. Scheduling our discussions;
3. Holding our discussions in relaxing places (usually during an evening stroll or while dining out); and
4. Abiding by “rules of discussion” designed to avoid inflammatory comments and behavior.

Thus far it’s worked very well for us.

By: Iron Fittings

Iron Fittings — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:23:06 +0000

Thanks for sharing your post.

By: Mary Ann Crossno

Mary Ann Crossno — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:01:36 +0000

Thanks for the stumble, Daphne. Glad to know someone besides me is benefitting from the mental workout of writing these posts;-))!

LOVE your recent post – 8 Lessons a Nearly Dead Dog Taught Me about Living!

Simple Marriage readers, check it out!
http://www.joyfuldays.com/life-and-death/8-lessons-a-nearly-dead-dog-taught-me-about-living/