What is it that creates the intensity in certain conversations with your spouse?
What moves a conversation between two people from the issue at hand into personal meltdown?
Emotional reactivity.
But this isn’t all bad, emotional reactivity also turns out to be nature’s way of informing us of where we are on the path of emotional maturity (another way of thinking about growing up and differentiation).
One of the measuring tools for getting clear about how much growing up you have to do is time to reactivity – how quickly do you lose it?
How easy is it to push your buttons?
How many buttons do you have that can be pushed?
How often do you stoop to pushing your partner’s buttons – either to have it your way or just to keep them from having it their way?
Usually the issue (call it the what) triggers some difference between you and your spouse that creates tension – more for one spouse and less for the other. The more important the what is to you, the quicker you become emotionally reactive.
Your energy will be intensely focused on the outcome of the what – either by getting what you want, or by getting your spouse to validate your wants.
A major shift can occur when you “get it” – the what is actually an indicator of your emotional maturity.
At this point, you have two choices -
- use the issue as fertilizer to grow you up or
- bypass the opportunity for growth in order to stay comfortable.
It’s at this awareness level that you can turn your attention to how – how am I going to be in the intensity of this what?
To help, remember this:
- Don’t attack.
- Don’t defend.
- Don’t withdraw.
If you can stay fully present and connected while under pressure, you’re on your way to some serious emotional growing.
A couple of caveats:
If you know you’re about to lose it, withdrawing may be necessary. In this case, it’s how you withdraw that matters. Tell your spouse what’s going on with you, what steps you’re going to take to be responsible for you, and when you plan to re-engage.
“I’m having a hard time calming myself down. I’m going to take a walk for 20 minutes. I want to finish this talk, but I want to do it from the best in me.”
Around this time of year, the holidays are an issue that expose LOTS of tension in relationships!
You may have a high desire for a constant stream of holiday activity between now and January 1. Your spouse may want the holidays to intrude on normal life as little as possible.
Something to keep in mind – each person in a relationship has a range of positions about issues.
You want more sex – your partner wants less sex. You want to spend money – your partner wants to save money. You want a place for everything and everything in its place – your partner wants creative clutter. You may be neutral on some issues.
Think of these as high desire or low desire positions. In general, the one with the low desire has more control/power than the one with the high desire. If you’re happy with sex once a month and your partner wants sex three times a week, you get to have sex whenever you want it!
So the higher your desire about any issue, the more likely you are to be highly anxious and emotionally reactive over the outcome of the issue (the what). Read that sentence again.
This means that you have a greater responsibility to learn how to calm and soothe yourself around that what!!!
And if you’re the low desire partner on any issue, keeping yourself comfortable while watching your partner squirm is just another way the universe is trying to get your attention about taking your own shape.
Here’s hoping that during the holiday season, you open all the growing gifts that come your way from the best in you, and in turn, create the best relationship possible for both of you!
(photo source)
I’m a bit confused about the “Low desire partner… taking your own shape.” What does that mean? I find myself in the role of the low desire partner, and see it driving my spouse nuts at times. It’s not something I want or try to do.
The fact is that whoever is the low desire partner on the issue – controls the issue. Low desire and high desire are not wrong, they just are. If you are the low desire partner when it comes to sex, you get to have sex as often as you like. Taking your own shape is another way of saying growing up into who you want to become.
If you don’t want to be the low desire partner on an issue, then you can work to increase your desire – thus, taking more of your own shape.
I think he means being better at forming clear desires rather than passively letting the world shape you? In my case that is certainly true. I have a bad habit of living in reaction to others and therein finding out what I want or more likely, what I don’t want.
However, I’ve learned the lesson very deeply that the lower your desires are the more likely you won’t walk around angry and disappointed – I am a bundle of wolfish greed and desires all wrapped up in sheep’s clothing.
This post really banged me right on the head there Corey. Thank you for summing it up so nicely.
I think that in many cases (but not all) the low desire person actually does desire whatever it is that they are saying no to, but they are not as comfortable with it. Once they become more comfortable with it, the aversion starts to dissapear and they find that they can desire it just as much as their partner does.
Two classic examples:
One person wants lots of sex, and the other person says they are happy with less. Sex is fun, so why would they want less of it? Perhaps they are not as comfortable in their sexuality. They are not as good at just relaxing and enjoying the experience. It feels to them like sex requires effort. If they feel it is effort, then perhaps they are not approaching it with the right attitude. If they relaxed and enjoyed it more, perhaps they would find that their appetite for it went way up.
The same goes for socializing. Often one partner wants to be out having fun all the time, and the other says that they perefer to stay in. Could it be that the less social person is just not very comfortable socializing? It takes effort for them to do it. Same remedy. Grow through the discomfort and learn to relax and enjoy being social.
I chose the two examples above because they are both present in my marriage. I am the high desire partner sexually, and the low desire partner socially. I have been working to overcome my social anxiety, and my wife is working to overcome her sexual self conciousness. We are trying to grow toward each other.
This is an excellent and clearly explained response, thanks Louie. It helps me understand that point very well, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Growing through the discomfort to grow towards each other – yes indeed.
This is a great post. I enjoyed it very much! Thank you for your contribution towards making the world a better place
I think it’s something that we should all try to do in our own special way.
I enjoy reading your tidbits to strengthen my own marriage, but today I have to disagree with your example of low desire/high desire and sex. The low desire may have sex whenever they like, but only until the high desire figures out they are being manipulated, are not getting their needs met in the marriage, and decide to leave. Wanting/being satisfied with less sex for a high sex person is not immaturity, it is healthy in that they realize what they really want. If it is just an frenzied need born from not getting that need fulfilled in the past, then giving the high desire partner as much as they want will eventually teach them that their needs will be fulfilled. However, if the low need partner is just looking out for themselves in the name of being mature, then the opposite is happening; they are putting their own needs ahead of their partners.
Partnerships work best when you put the other’s desires and needs ahead of your own. My wife and I have an agreement that I will worry about her O and sexual needs and insure hers (whatever they are) are met, and she will do the same for me. This puts the other person ahead of you.
Sex is a wonderful or a terrible area in marriage. If this area of an intimate relationship is not fulfilling to both sides, then no amount of “mature love” is going to overcome the hole it leaves. IMHO.
Great article and discussion.
@Bob, I understand what you’re saying. But I just want to point out that being the “low desire” in regards to sex or any of the points isn’t always about manipulation. Some people just have lower sex drives, obviously. Or some other issue that prevents them from having a higher sex drive. Meeting in the middle on it, as much as possible, seems to be the way to go. Both people should realize that one person shouldn’t always have to be the one going out of their own personal comfort zone to meet the other person’s needs.
Very interesting piece. Thank you!
What if I am the one always wanting sex, and he isn’t. I was turned down one night and the next day, i found about to pleasure himself. He says that was the first time he had thought about doing that in a long time. But now I find myself thinking he is doing it all the time and not letting me take care of him in that way. I wonder if he truly loves me.