For Women Only: Knowing What Matters Most to Your Husband
Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Jennifer Ryan of I Choose Change.
It’s no secret that it feels like women and men speak different languages sometimes. And, as a relationship therapist, often couples will come in with one goal in mind: FIX HIM! (Or, HER!)
We hardly take a step back to see how to take personal responsibility for our own actions in our marriages. Yet when we do, the outcome is incredibly rewarding.
When each of us, men and women, decide to look beyond our own needs momentarily to see what our spouse needs, the value is almost instantly realized. Sure, taking care of ourselves is paramount, but marriage is a challenge because we have a constant companion by which we interact with more than any other person on the planet (usually).
Recently, I wrote about the secret lives of women. Husbands took note of the most important aspects of the inner lives of their wives.
Now, women take note: what you don’t know about the inner workings of your husband can be hurting your marriage – bigtime! And, as Shaunti Feldhahn shows us in her book, For Women Only, just a few simple strategies can reap great rewards.
Key #1: Respect versus Love
Ladies, this may come as a shock: research shows that men would rather be unloved than disrespected. Stop for a moment and think about how it would feel if you felt your spouse didn’t love you. Pretty horrible, right? The same is true for men who feel disrespected!
What to do: In his judgment, abilities, and capabilities and in communication, show your husband you respect him and believe in him as often as you can. The difference in love and respect are slight, and when your husband hears, “I’m proud of you” this is a show of love for him. Believe in the best from your spouse, and chances are, he’ll have more confidence to give you his very best.
Key #2: Security and Supply
Both men and women often feel a deep sense of insecurity. We fear being “found out” or that we’re always just slightly above our optimal working level. Husbands also feel a deep need to provide for his family, both financially and in security. Your husband wants to know he is the “protector,” even if his wife supplies more monetary support to the family.
What to do: The truth is, we all want to be affirmed in our abilities as humans. And, when we don’t get the “at-a-boys” at home, we seek them elsewhere. From working too many hours, to immersing himself in sports and outside activities at the expense of family time, to crossing the boundaries with female coworkers, husbands will figure out a way to feel admired for what he brings to the table. Therefore, our job as wives is to show confidence in our spouse! Affirm him, encourage him, and support him (just as we would want, right?).
Key #3: Sex and Emotions
Sounds like an oxymoron to some women, but despite popular belief, your husband IS an emotional being! And, while it may seem like sex and emotions don’t go hand-in-hand, they do. However, men feel more connected to their wives through the act of sex, and your husband wants to know you want him. He feels loved to his core when you crave him sexually.
What to do: Imagine what it feels like to feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse, as if he doesn’t understand you and you’re on two different planes. That doesn’t feel good at all! That’s exactly how your husband feels when he isn’t sexually connected. The mere act alone helps him feel loved, secure, respected and confident. Women, make sex a priority in your marriage. Instead of seeing the act as a “duty” or a job, see it for what it is: an emotional connection. Just as women want emotional connection, men do as well, and it can often come in the form of sex.
Key #4: Romance
This may come as a shock, but your husband wants romance, too! However, it’s important to note that men not only view romance differently, but they also feel somewhat insecure about romancing you the way you want to be romanced (I mean, it does make a man step out of his comfort zone when he’s doing what YOU want rather than what HE wants, right?)
What to do: Understand that when your husband wants to go to a sporting event with you, “hang out” with you, or have you on his arm in various social situations, this very well could be romance for him. He enjoys being able to show you off and be proud of you with his friends. Also, encourage your husband through the “rough” spots of romance: encourage him when he steps out of his comfort zone, show him you appreciate his efforts, and let him know he’s your number one. And remember this from Key #3 above, for some men, romance may not feel complete without sex. Understanding why is key: men see the act of sex as the connection itself, whereas women see the connection as a stand-alone. When your husband steps out of his comfort zone to romance you the way you want to be romanced (and yes, some even enjoy it!), he may feel discouraged not getting his “connection” (through sex).
Key #5: Appearance
Yes, your spouse cares about your appearance, but perhaps not in the way you think. Your appearance is more about how you take care of and carry yourself, not your size. Yes, size does matter, but it matters less when you are clean, tidy, smelling good, and have confidence to boot! Your husband wants to feel proud of you, because you help him look good.
What to do: Examine all parts of your appearance: size, physical exercise, overall cleanliness and tidiness. If you feel MOSTLY bad about your appearance overall, chances are your husband does, too. He won’t admit it, but he does want you to fix yourself up and show more confidence in the way you look and feel about yourself.
Read more from Jennifer Ryan, Licensed Counselor and Life Coach at her blog: I Choose Change.
photo credit: h.koppdelaney
This post was written by a guest author on Simple Marriage. If you enjoyed their work, please leave a comment and check out their site. Also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.16 Responses to “For Women Only: Knowing What Matters Most to Your Husband”
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Couldn’t agree with #1 more. And in fact, would appreciate greater detail and other insights with regards to what men feel are the most effective and sincere methods to convey respect.
Nelia, per your comment here and to Laurie: the book is “Love & Respect: the Love She Most Desires and the Respect He Desperately Craves” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591451876/sr=8-1/qid=1141083083/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-0166827-8698565?%5Fencoding=UTF8
Thank you! I appreciate the link!
Love this list. It’s so easy for me to see all the things I do for my husband and think, “Wow, I do so much to help him.” But I forget that what I do is not necessarily what he needs!
I agree, and I’ve written about this topic myself:
Respect is the currency for men; we grow up with it culturally in sports, in business, in military models. Guys usually are pretty efficient at sorting out which way the respect flows in any situation. True, guys can sound horrific in their good-natured trash talk to each other — in words that would crush a woman’s esteem if they were directed at her — but it typically occurs among guys who have sorted things out and know they’re all at the same level. Trash talk doesn’t go uphill and usually doesn’t flow downhill except to make a point. Respect can almost be ritualized as in the mafia expression and practice of “men of respect”, and it can be seen in extremis in the gangbanger culture of young men who haven’t learned the rules and applications of respect but will kill each other for being “disrespected”. If you asked a man, would you rather your wife showed you love or showed you respect (and the guy took a few minutes to think about it) most would say that respect is more important. Men are respect-oriented and its important to them to know that they measure up in the eyes of their wives.
That’s a challenging idea for women, who are love-oriented. Because love is more important to them they think love is what their husbands want (and we do, but it’s #2). A wife can grasp the unconditional love idea and take pride in unconditionally loving her husband, but still not respect him (“Of course I love the big lug, even if he’s an idiot, can’t hold a job, and can’t be trusted to dress himself without my help”). Asking her to unconditionally respect her husband, however, can be a big hurdle, especially if he’s been less than respectable (“I can love and forgive, but I can’t forget”).
Most men, meanwhile, have grown up knowing they’re supposed to respect women, especially their wives, and will confer that respect on them even if they’re not sure if they love them (“She’s great with the kids, I couldn’t function without her, I’d never deliberately hurt her, but I don’t know if I love her”). This can be especially true if she’s been less than loving and respectful in her actions toward him (“I can say ‘forget about it’, but I don’t forgive”).
Again, respecting your husband isn’t about being submissively obedient any more than a man loving his wife is about being mushy all the time. Differences in opinion and approach are fine when they can be discussed in ways that show he loves and cherishes his wife and wants the best for her and she shows she respects his ability and character. That can mean he is willing to give in on something in order to benefit her and that she doesn’t bring past failures or personal critiques into the discussion.
(The entire essay is here: http://thenightwriterblog.powerblogs.com/posts/1141083525.shtml)
Jennifer: This post really spoke to me. Thank you. The part about “constant companion” sums it up simply and accurately. Both of your posts will most likely be weaved into a blog post of my own at TCOYou.com, as they were eye-opening to me and worthy of being shared.
Nightwriter: Your post was great to read. Thank you. I think “Respect is the currency for men” is going to be my mantra when dealing with my husband. Our marriage isn’t a good one, sadly, as it’s to the point where we “deal” with each other. I will hold that mantra close because I’ve finally realized that, for him at least, it is the truth.
Been there Suzanne where we were “dealing” with each other. It wasn’t until I started changing myself that things got better for us. I would suggest Corey’s workbook “A Simple Marriage”. It will give you some ideas to work on. Don’t lose hope. It can get much better. I know!
Thanks Laurie.
I really had no idea how much a man’s soul is tied to respect until lately. I read the book, “Love and Respect” and learned a great deal about how guys think when it comes to the idea of respect. Men and women are so different aren’t they? I find I am more amazed at it and appreciate the differences.
Author?
Key #3 does go both ways. Most people make the mistaken assumption that it is the men who always want sex and this is not the case. I meet more and more women where the opposite is true; they want sex more often and their husbands do not and it makes them feel unwanted and emotionally disconnected just as it would a man. It’s not only male thing. It’s an individual thing. In my marriage, I can fully relate to Key #3 as this is how I operate (if I don’t get sex, I don’t feel loved). This doesn’t seem to be as important to my husband. I think it’s all based on the person, rather than just based on gender.
Jennifer, this is a fantastic summary of what men need in relationships. The respect thing is just absolutely right on. Nelia, one of the things that my wife does is praise the little victories. When I fix a broken fixture, or take out the trash, or close a big deal at work, my wife recognizes it’s important to me and she praises that. It’s pretty simple, but I absolutely THRIVE on that praise.
The only caveat is this: the praise has to be absolutely sincere.
Sincerity. That’s always the catch.
Hank and I both could do better appreciating the little victories. I’ve had my challenges not taking the little victories for granted (and praising them sincerely) and Hank is challenged in thinking that the little victories are worth praise.
Thanks for the insight. I’ll test out the “praise for taking out the trash” this evening.
I am a woman, and to me, respect is also much more important than love. I don’t think it is a male thing, it is an individual thing. You just have to get to know the person you are married to, and see what applies.
Thank you for doing a great job of showing how a husband’s and wife’s priorities are different, yet very similar in some ways. What I’ve found in my work is that the real challenge happens when moms and dads try to communicate about their needs. Many of us don’t have the tools we need to share our needs without triggering the defenses of our spouses. So I use a basic formula: Effective Communication = Authenticity plus Timing minus Blame (EC=A+T-B). When we talk honestly about ourselves, at the right time, without blaming the other person, there’s a much better chance we will be heard. Thank you again for a spot-on post. – Jeffrey