Give Me Intimacy, Give Me Sex, Or Both!
Photo courtesy seeks2dream
On Monday I posed the question to the Simple Marriage readers: what’s the difference between intimacy and sex? Within a hour of posting, comments were rolling in quickly.
It seems these two topics are popular and thought provoking. One reader V. Higgins stated this well,
“Wow, there aren’t that many questions regarding marriage that are sure to leave one going well, um, like this one.”
Thus far there’s a bit of consensus that the two are not the same, and that one often is desired in order to attain the other. But what exactly is intimacy and sex?
Sex is the easier of the two to define, or is it? On the surface, sex is often characterized as coitus or intercourse. But sex is also a delineation of gender. For me, when discussing the topic of sex, I prefer to look at the idea of sexuality, which is far more encompassing than an act.
If you only look at sex as intercourse, this can be accomplished with any living creature. Most often sex occurs within a committed relationship, namely marriage. Research continues to show that the best sex happens in the “marriage bed.” I would stipulate that this is due to the intimacy often associated with sex in marriage, more on this in a bit.
If sex is strictly an act that can be performed by anyone, with anyone, why are there so many problems associated with it?
Biologically speaking, men and women are different (I know, shocking revelation!). On average, a sexual intercourse experience lasts 3 minutes. A man is ready for intercourse almost instantly (another shocker) while a woman on average needs 20 minutes to be fully ready. So if intercourse occurs according to the man’s timetable, the woman is ready 17 minutes after intercourse is over.
No wonder there are often problems when it comes to sex!
Now let’s add intimacy. You suddenly have a fuller and deeper experience. Intimacy is broader and deeper, and isn’t necessarily exclusive between sexual partners. One can be intimate with family, friends, even co-workers. And you can achieve intimacy without sex.
Here’s a few of the intimacy comments:
Intimacy is the state of really seeing, or being seen, by another. ~Kazari
A state of intimacy is achieved when the two parties are “naked” to each other. I don’t mean we open up our clothes to reveal our bodies. Intimacy is where we open up our heart, our soul, our authentic self and, being totally vulnerable, share that part of us not shared with others. The more intimate we are the closer we get to the core of this kind of sharing, and the closer we get to our personal authentic core. Intimacy requires trust in the person we are sharing with. ~Laurie
As humans we are not purely physical beings. We are a combination of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. Personally, I think one can, to varying degrees, be intimate in each of those areas. To have a truly, completely intimate relationship with someone I think you have to be intimate in ALL of those areas. It has to be a blending, a balancing of all of those areas and I believe the balance is somewhat fluid and changes (or should change) depending on the needs of the relationship (and the partners in it) at the time….
Real intimacy is openning yourself up on all levels to the other person and showing that you trust them to know you and love you for who you really are. The warts, scars, fears, insecurities, emotions, passions, beliefs, and on and on. The true intimacy and trust, the true union, happens when the other party returns it in kind. They open themselves to you just as thoroughly. ~Bruce Kelly
Intimacy seems to involve closeness for sure, and this closeness is co-created.
I’ve also heard intimacy defined this way: into-me-see, a revealing of yourself to another person. Obviously this revealing will be deeper and more meaningful when it’s well received and reciprocated in kind, but intimacy is more about you than the receiver.
This is where growing yourself up in marriage comes in to play so well. The more you grow up, the more capable you are of revealing yourself AND handling the response, regardless if it’s reciprocated.
I remain very interested in your comments and discussion on this topic. So keep the comments flowing. And, Evil Dad’s comment must be shared:
In my marriage: Sex is something that decreased after having a baby. Intimacy is something that increased after having a baby.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.6 Responses to “Give Me Intimacy, Give Me Sex, Or Both!”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Remember the old saying, “Seeing is believing?†Reality is that believing is seeing . . . we see based on what we believe. How we define intimacy is a product of what we believe about relationships. What’s your answer to the question, “What is the purpose of relationships?â€
Some common answers to this question are: companionship, to love and be loved, connection, soulmate, understanding, and security. The belief that your relationship is to provide you with these attributes will lead you to see your relationship through the lens of how well it does or does not meet your expectations (i.e., your beliefs).
Your definition of intimacy is a reflection of what you believe about relationships. Since few people spend much time examining their beliefs or more importantly, how they acquired their beliefs and what principles are they based on, it is unlikely for any two people to have a common view of the purpose of relationships or intimacy.
If a relationship is a developmental process that presents us with repeated opportunities to grow up – become emotionally mature – then intimacy becomes that place where “I know me in the presence of you.†This kind of self-knowledge is a rare occurrence. Most of us long to be known/seen as we see ourselves, not as we really are. When our partner reflects back to us an image that is different from the way we see ourselves, or different from the way we want to be seen, few of us are prepared to “take the hit.â€
The kind of intimacy in which both are willing and able to be seen and known as we truly are is a rare occurrence.
@Mary Ann “I know me in the presence of you.†Ohhh I love that line. It should be in a song.
@Corey- Wow, outstanding post. This series is your best yet. I love that you survey us first and then us the info to write the post. These have been more of a brain exercise which I love. I want to lean to be a better person and growing myself up is one of the steps. You’re a great teacher.
3 minutes is average? Wow, I need to share that with the hub. He has no idea and was thinking he was below average. He’ll be relieved! ;o)
I like how you say that the closeness is co-created. What should a wife expect from a hub in the way of intimacy? What if the two people do not have an equal desire for intimacy? What’s a woman to do OR what’s a man to do?
I also need to read what I write before I push the submit button. Many errors above. Sorry.
@Mary Ann – Well said. I agree completely. Especially the part “Most of us long to be known/seen as we see ourselves, not as we really are. When our partner reflects back to us an image that is different from the way we see ourselves, or different from the way we want to be seen, few of us are prepared to “take the hit.†“
Why not give both?
Like I just commented on that previous article you wrote, intimate sex is the most passionate sex you can have. It’s the pinnacle of closeness between you and your loved one, taking each other to ecstasy whilst enjoying the passion of a kiss….
Adam,
http://www.manzine.tk
Intimacy and sex depends on the person. Truth in revelation comes to mind. From my experience it is something deeper. Since we really never know what is happening on the inside of anyone, a certain amount of trust is needed. Personally, I dont separate the two.
However, I think one has to be aware of who the other is and note that each person assigns their own meaning to sex and intimacy and just because the definition is different that doesnt mean that it is less important or has less value.
Having the same values doesnt need to be there in order for intimacy to exist.
For real though, everyone desires to be seen, although not all in the same way. If we can come to an appreciation of the differences within the Unity, then maybe the Unity will show up more often.