Photo courtesy Liquid Kiwi
Here’s a question I received the other day from a Simple Marriage reader.
Dear Dr. Allan-
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and while we’ve had our ups and downs, overall our marriage is good. Lately however, I’ve noticed a level of unhappiness in each of us. While it’s not so bad that I would leave him, or him me, it is noticeable. How can we add some spice to our marriage to break out of old habits?
Thanks.
A bored wife, Dallas, TX
Dear bored wife-
What you are describing is quite common in any long term committed relationship. The newness is going to wear off and routines are going to settle in. I would bet that you could accurately predict your husband’s schedule of interaction with you throughout the week, and he could do the same for you.
We all live fairly predictable lives. It’s part of the comfort zone so many of us enjoy residing within. Too much uncertainty and change is scary. So scary in fact that most people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.
Any time you seek to change things up a bit, including trying to break out of unhappy cycles, there is a great deal of unknown. It is this unknown that causes some people to resist the changes. Even if the changes will bring about something more exciting.
To add a bit of spice to the marriage, here’s a few ideas. Feel free to try any of them, or start from the beginning and work up to the more intimate ones. Good luck!
- Change up the seating chart at meal times. If your family has sit down meals together, there is probably assigned seating that has evolved over the years. Dad sits here, mom there, and so on. Try sitting in a different seat.
- Give up your chair in the living room. This same seating principle applies to TV watching furniture. I have a recliner that is assumed by my family to be mine. Give it up and sit on the couch or some other chair for a while.
- Sleep on the other side of the bed. Same principle, perhaps a bit more closely guarded however. Try it. See what happens.
- Assume different household responsibilities. You may be the one who takes out the trash, does the dishes, or laundry, puts toys away, or maybe all of the above. Try doing something you typically don’t do during the week. Mow the yard. Make the bed. Whatever. Just do something your spouse would usually take care of.
- Ask your spouse out on a date. Actually call them up. Ask them out. Dress for a date. Show up at the front door. Bring flowers. Hold the door for them. Who knows where this idea could lead.
- Talk about your unhappiness. I’m a big advocate for honesty. Too often we expect our spouse to read our mind or sense that there’s something wrong. Speak up. Tell them what’s going on with you. A word of caution however. Tell them what you’re feeling and thinking, not what’s wrong with them. Anyone who feels attacked will respond defensively and be less open to seeking solutions.
- Initiate sex. Inevitably routine will creep into your sex life. It’s his responsibility to initiate sex. Or hers. It’s brought up the same way. Starts the same. Follows the same routine. Even ends the same. If you are the one who initiates sex the least, initiate more. If you’re the other side of the equation, slow down. More than likely, you both will enjoy better quality sex rather than just more sex.
- Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. For more on this idea go here and here.
- Try eyes open orgasm. This is a continuation of the previous idea, only at a deeper level. When you’re on the verge of orgasm, connect more with your eyes. Obviously some sexual positions may not allow eye contact without being extremely flexible. If so, connect immediately after. Stay with each other after sex is “over.” Look into each other’s eyes. Talk. Breath together. Don’t immediately get up, clean up, and move on your separate ways.
I found that by sharing more both heart and physically, really helped in this area. I was really kind of garded in both areas. I also made the effort to notice all the good qualities in the hub and tell him about what I noticed. You start to take each other for granted not valuing those things that you were giddy about when you met. I really began thinking about all the good in my hub and thought wow, he really is so cool. He knows me better than anyone and would do absolutely anything for me. I found my passion increase.
If all that fails, find a new exciting place to make it! Maybe under the stars! Tents and trampolines are fun. It brings out your playful nature which cranks it up a notch! :O)
Can I add, MAKE OUT. Married people get all focused on the sex and forget to make out.
This is a great list. I thought this would have NEVER happened to my wife and I, but I was wrong. It takes work. You always here people say that it does and I used to roll my eyes at this. Not anymore.
Great post!!!
Great post and some great ideas! Thanks for the open and honest appraisal and sharing!
Thanks Hayden for the “Make out” point. This is another good one to add to the list. It so happens I am working on an upcoming post on this idea, maybe that’s why I failed to put it here. Great addition.
LMAO! Guess what today’s post at PersistentIllusion is. :shakes head: Would you like me to refrain?
Nice. Stumbled for the sake of wanting to see eyes open orgasm on the front page of Stumble.
Great suggestions. I think every couple goes through this kind of stuff. I’ve never thought about sleeping on the other side of the bed – I would probably fall out within an hour!
@Discovering Dad- I guess you should be sure to put padding beside the other side of the bed before trying this.
@cory- Thanks for the stumble. I must admit, it would be cool to see “eyes open orgasm” on the front page.
I think you all are trying to say “orgasm” as much as possible. he he he. But that suggestion (eyes open orgasm) is awesome. It’s incredibly intimate, really spiritual.
Great suggestions! I’ve only been married for 6 years–I haven’t been bored yet. There are a couple of things my wife do that are along the same lines as what you mentioned:
* Sleep in a different bedroom (with each other, if you have an extra)
* Take a random day off just to spend with each other
* Spend time apart. Seriously you’ll be happy to see each other again later
@Dustin- 6 years and you haven’t been bored yet? Well done. Keep it going. As for the sleep in a different room idea, my wife and I will sometimes layout several blankets and sleeping bags in front of the TV and watch movies till we fall asleep. In the morning the kids can come out and join us for their cartoons.
Thanks for this great article. I have been married now for 14 years and having a wonderful time. Thumbs up to Hayden, remembering to make out is a great point. We call each other throughout the day and talk as if we just met, plan weekend get a ways and role play are just a few ways we keep it hot. Be creative and spontaneous.
Just came across this article and would like to say, I agree. I also have been married for several years and have a wonderful sex life. One of the things that we like to do that keeps it spicy is shop for sex lingerie together. Its a lot of fun, people are always looking as we act silly.