How Do I Handle The Message?
Photo courtesy SarahR89
Recently I had the privileged of guest posting on Zen Habits.
The Cliff’s notes version of the article - if you increase the honesty level between spouses in marriage, you’ll increase the level of passion and closeness.
When you increase the honesty however, there will be some growing pains for both for you and your spouse. One reader named Laura caught onto this idea with some good questions in her comment.
So good in fact, that in an attempt to answer I am going to run a series of posts.
Here’s her comment:
This post is full of good info, thank you for posting it. I have a further question though. You say:
“Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying, or not saying, not because you can’t communicate. Communicating in marriage is all about being able to handle the message.
When two people are able to handle the message, honesty increases. And when honesty in a relationship increases, you grow more as an individual and closer together. Through this growth you are capable of reaching new levels of passion and intimacy.”
Could we have a post on how to “handle the message”? I am all about the communication in theory, but often I can’t seem to help but overreact when I hear something that I perceive as threatening (or is threatening), either on a basic level or even a superficial one. And my hubby can’t help but shut down sometimes when he perceives that I am overreacting (even when I am not). I just also realized that we reverse these positions quite frequently — he overreacts, I shut down.
And as a corollary to that, what if the message is truly threatening? How to do it? How to respond? How to make sure that the communication keeps going?
As I attempt to answer these questions, keep this in mind as the foundation… marriage is about becoming a better human. The natural processes involved in marriage are designed to grow you up.
Be looking for the Taking Your Shape series. More on the way!
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My name is Corey Allan. It's nice to meet you. I began blogging during the summer of 2007 with the belief that it's possible to get more out of marriage and life. Blogging seemed like a great way to share ideas and find others who want more as well. With your help, our little project can change the world. 
8 Comments
I’d like to add to this that I know that I sometimes prejudge whether or not my partner can handle the message, based on past experience. With every occasion where I don’t feel like the message has been “handled well,” I become less likely to share honestly. (This probably is something he does, too, but it’s invisible to me.)
That makes this listening and reacting skill even more important, as it’s not only reacting to the present moment, but also setting up patterns for later behavior.
A huge part of honesty in communication is still choosing your battles. It’s important to be mature enough to recognize what is unimportant and let them slide so that when it’s time to assert yourself and be open and honest about your opinion or stance, your spouse knows this is important to you and not just another confrontation over something trivial.
Can’t wait for it.
I discussed this with my wife after reading the article tonight. I might suggest that you need to turn the argument around - communication hinges on the sender being honest with him or herself about the message they are about to send. We hit our sweet spot in our marriage when we realized that we were being dishonest with ourselves by shaping and forming our messages before we even shared them. Whether the recipient can “handle” the message or not is not up to the sender - but you need to feel comfortable that you are sending an honest communication, unadultered and uncolored by personal emotion or fear. When you mold and shape a message before you communicate it, you are focusing too much on the container, and not enough on the contents.
I find that when I communicate something that may be difficult to hear, my hub will twist what I say and make it turn into something against him. It ends up sounding like a personal attack instead of me sharing a concern. He is very artful at it as this behavior has been handed down in his family. Maybe a word or two on something like this.
Hi Corey,
While I would appreciate honesty with some things, maybe with others I just wouldn’t.
Example: I am heavily pregnant, looking very much like a beached whale and to top it off, I have had a bad night making me look even worse than usual. A gorgeous woman in her early 20s breezes into the room, looking like she had just walked in from a photoshoot. Now, the last thing I want when I look at my husband watching this gorgeous woman is an honest appraisal of what he’s thinking or what his biological reaction is at the moment.
And, I’m sure if our roles were reversed, I’m sure I’d have too much love and respect for my husband to tell him that the vision of male beauty on front of us is making me feel nervous / hot under the collar.
Maybe some topics are better left off the discussion list because they are unnecessary and the honest truth wouldn’t benefit anyone? I suppose you haven’t said anywhere that you have to be honest about all things all the time…
Fern
@Everyone- Thanks for the input. I’ll do my best to incorporate these ideas as part of the series. Once again, you loyal readers are what make this whole thing work. I appreciate all your ideas and feedback.
I’m really interested in hearing more about handling the message - because I agree that often, that’s the real problem. My husband & I have been married for 10 years (and together for 15). We were young, in our teens, when we started dating. So, basically we’ve grown up together. And it’s very easy to assume with all of that history, that we know how the other will react before saying what we have to say - and so then it’s easy to just not bother. Not saying it’s GOOD, just easy.