How “I Remember When…” Is A Major Pitfall In Marriage
Photo courtesy circo de invierno ~
Think back to the time when you first laid eyes on your spouse. Can you remember the scene? What they were wearing. What you said. Their response.
It’s probably safe to assume that most of this memory is intact. This could also be said about the high points of your marriage thus far. If you sift through your memories of your relationship with your spouse, I bet there are many good things that come to mind. The vacation you spent together on the beach. The time when you were both laughing so hard you cried. The memorable sexual experiences. The deep connections.
With all these thoughts that stand out, it’s no wonder that when the routine of marriage and life overtakes you, you long for ways to recapture the way things used to be. “If only we could get back to the way things used to be” is a very common thought.
Some theories of psychology refer to these memories as anchors. These anchors are then associated with emotions and feelings, which when called upon can help you deal with stress, frustration, fear, whatever.
Let me explain. If I can anchor in my mind a time when I came through. A time when I gave the great speech, or hit the game winning shot, or excelled in some other arena, this gives me the ability to draw from the emotions associated with the anchor when times get uncertain. The next time I have a speech in front of a large group and feel it’s not going well, I can access this anchor and the emotions tied to it to help boost my psyche in the current situation.
On an individual level, this is a good technique to use to make the most out of your life and career. However, when it comes to marriage, things can get quite convoluted.
If two people are trying to apply this technique relationally, they run the risk of drawing from one person’s anchor while isolating the other person. If I draw from a time when in my memory my wife and I experienced a really deep connection through our conversation, she may have entirely different emotions tied to that memory. For her, the conversation could have been just another in a long series of conversations that end up nowhere because to her, marriage may be about actions, not words.
I’m not saying that theses techniques can’t be used at all in a relationship. But it is filled with pitfalls.
The biggest of which is it seeks to go backwards in the relationship. Life is not lived backwards. Marriage is the same. It’s lived in the present. It’s created. Designed.
As we venture into 2009 together, keep this thought in mind: marriage is lived forward.
Marriage is about decisions.
What do you want to create in your marriage this year? Regardless how the past few years may have gone, the future can be designed. What do you want it to be?
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.6 Responses to “How “I Remember When…” Is A Major Pitfall In Marriage”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Trackbacks
-
[...] How “I Remember When…†Is A Major Pitfall In Marriage [...]
My wife and I have only been married a month, though we’ve been together for nearly three years. I can think of several anchors during the course of our time with each other that I love to revisit, and I know she could say the same. We’re lucky though, because both of us have managed to approach these anchors as something to be shared with one another… Instead of using it solely for our benefit, we turn these anchor points into conversations that remind us of thoughts and feelings and details that the other completely forgot about. That said, your mantra at the end of the post, “marriage is lived forward” is something I hope both of us are able to retain as years begin to pass by. If at any point we’re trying to go backwards, I think it’s clear we must have made a wrong turn… Here’s to living life in the present this year.
My problem is I have a horrible memory & I always get busted when my wife says “do you remember when”. She has a great memeory and can remember everything She and I wore, said, & did on our first date. I’m doing good to remeber the date.
Great post… Working to live forward.
I agree. Even though my husband and I do have lots of very fond “remember when” moments, the fact is that no matter what we can’t go back to those. Now we have kids. Now we have a house. Now he has a real job. And we like having all those things. We also have lots of awful “remember when” moments that neither one of us would like to relive. So I think living forward is a great mantra to have. I don’t want the marriage we had in the past, even the good times. We are different people now, in a different time of life. And I do enjoy the marriage we have now and look forward to the marriage we’ll have this year!
Great post.
I don’t know if this applies here since I’m not married, but I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 years now (2 of which we have lived together under the same roof) and for us at least, it isn’t much of the memories of what came before it’s why we did those things in the first place.
For us, it’s about enjoying and sharing those moments together. The silly things we do for the sake of having fun. I can see those silly moments waning as we grow older and more responsible with marriage and maybe kids, but I think by then, we’ll find new ways of finding things to enjoy together.
Sure we liked what was then, but like what was written in this post. Life’s best lived forward. What better in a relationship that goes forward together?
I understand what your saying but I think that people analyze way to much. Life is always going forward. My husband and I have been married for 38 years in May and we started “liking” each other in junior high school he was almost my only date and I was almost his only date. I was 13 and he 14. I think of great things, the good things and bad things and I can’t think of very many of them I would not want to go through again. When we had kids our good times didn’t wane, they increased and we had more people to share them with. I remember one time we took the kids to my mothers for the weekend ( God bless her we had 3 and they were 6,8, and 1 1/2.) She took them for the whole weekend. When we got back home, the drive was an hour each way, we sat down in our favorite chairs and asked each other what do you want to do. We never did go anywhere that night we dozed in our chairs went to bed early and laughed about how old we were at 32 and 34. I don’t remember the high lights of that weekend just how funny that was and how much we laughed with mom and dad when we picked up the kids. We are still silly and still spontaneous in an older way and neither one of us could even think of life without each other. He’s strong when I need him to be and I’m strong when he needs me to be. The greatest joy in life should be the “oatmeal” days the ones we forget. The great moments are wonderful but who could stand to live at that high stress, I always say Christmas is great but boy is good when its over. I am a contented women I have 3 wonderful children who survived “my”great goals for them as they were growing up and have managed to acheive their own goals. I have 4 beautiful grandchildren and son-in-laws none of which are perfect but loving isn’t about perfection it’s about acceptance. George Burns was once asked by Merve Griffin if he had ever had any bad times in life on his 80th birthday because he was so successful and had had such a wonderful relationship with his wife. His answer was “of course how would I have ever known the good times without the bad times”, what a wise man. So when you get up this morning don’t despair if it’s a normal quiet day you won’t remember; celebrate the joy of being together life is made of small moments not big ones. Life is also not defined by tragedy but how we handled it.