How Much Do I Love Others?
So I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately, specifically my relationships with those around me.
I consider myself an extrovert who enjoys being social and interacting with others, but lately I’ve been examining the depth of my relationship with others.
How much do I love others?
It’s easy to say I love others, but deep down, if I’m honest with myself, do I really?
I’ve tried to be more aware of my conversations with people. I’ve listened more – talked less. I’m trying to soak in what’s going on around me and I’ve discovered that this is hard to do while talking.
I think I’m like most people in that when I’m in a conversation with others, I’m often too busy thinking about what I’m going to say that I’m not really listening to what they’re saying.
I guess my question is: If I don’t hear what they say, and only want to get out my stories and ideas, do I really care about them?
I’ve also found that when I listen to others, I mean, really listen to them, it’s difficult. Maybe it’s because most of what is discussed among people these days seems to be surface crap information. You know, the kinds of things you read on someone’s Facebook status or Tweets. This seems to have bled into real life conversations.
Humans have always tried to gloss over the deeper parts of themselves, because this part includes the scared, worried, ashamed, and anxious aspects of life.
But glossing over something or pretending it’s not there doesn’t make it go away.
The social mediums in the world today have allowed for more connections with others, but have they allowed deeper connections? Have they allowed you to be real?
Honestly though, social exchanges have always hovered around the surface. For years this has been a common exchange – “Hey, how’s it going?” To which you’d respond, “Fine, you?” If you’re honest, is it really fine? And the times when you do stop and share something more deeply, often the other person is looking for an exit because they really didn’t want to know.
Which leads me back to the question: Do they really care? Do you? Do I?
The deeper connections require more from me. It requires that I slow down and share my life with others. That I shoulder some of their weight and burden with them. But it also offers the possibility that they’ll shoulder some of mine.
Real relationships move past the “niceities”. They get below the surface and enter the area of our lives that house fears, frustrations, failures, but also strengths. You see, I believe it’s this part of our lives, the authentic part of us, where healing resides. This healing actually begins when I share this part of my life with another person.
If I were to slow down my life and listen, I must come face to face with this part of myself. There are times when I feel isolated and alone. When I’m insecure about what I’m doing or who I am. And these times also bring me to how I began this post – how much do I love others?
I’m wading deeper into this struggle – care to join me?
_____
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Photo courtesy jamsjoys
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.10 Responses to “How Much Do I Love Others?”
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I’ll join you, Corey! I have actually had this on my mind as well lately. A friend recently sought my counsel to discuss some marriage issues he and his wife are having. I’m not a counselor (just a proponent of great marriages), so I find my best skill in these situations is DEEPLY listening. It is amazing how letting someone speak and then repeating back their thoughts in your own words really helps them sort through their own issues.
This had me thinking, I wonder how much better I could be as a friend, a husband, a father, a co-worker, etc. if I took this approach more often. I think it may just be worth a try!
Yes please!
I read somewhere a story where a father told his son that we’re given two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. It’s a cute concept… and definitely worth strong consideration. People don’t care what you know until they know that you care. Another way of saying that we all have a deep need to be heard and *understood*. And I think we’re all focused on getting that need met, rather than on meeting that need. (The first is as it applies to ourselves, the second, as it applies to others.)
There was a time where I used to be more focused on the latter. And a more recent time where I threw up my hands and said, “No more! I cannot meet the needs of others until my own needs are met!” True and false. There is a point where that is true… but the conviction of its truth usually long outlasts the need (I believe my need for being understood is now being met; but I am hungry and greedy for more).
Thank you for the reminder. It is timely and convicting.
I ask this same question quite often, especially when I feel like I have a hard time really listening to others. So many times we think we care, yet we rarely have time to listen. Part of listening is about being aware of the things that are not said. And some conversations are full of half truths, the real stories and needs never coming to the surface because we’re scared of sharing the truth. Thank you for starting this conversation.
I often have felt the same way in regard to talking so much that i don’t know if I’m listening like i should be. However, I wanted to share that I think this has more to do with being wrapped up in ourselves than it does with not caring for what others have to say, or the amount of love we hold for them in our hearts. I do think it’s rude of us to behave this way, but it makes me so happy to hear that there are others that are actively trying to change this bad habit! After all if everyone is fighting to talk and then thinking about what they are going to say next, while others are talking, no one is ever listening.
Thanks for bringing this up!
This is the second post I have read this morning that has me thinking about how I am loving others. Coincidence? No. Loving others is shown strongly in how we listen to them, offering our hearts in return. I know, when my pain was at its peak, your listening ear and my friend’s ear, made all the difference. I was able to let go of some baggage that had been so heavy to carry around. By listening and loving others, I can do the same for them.
I think people also don’t want to take the responsibility that seems to come with listening. Sharing another’s burden has responsibility with it. The responsibility to be tender and accepting, the responsibility to not use that information to gossip, to love someone who may seem unlovable. Not everyone wants that responsibility because it requires them to grow too.
I have the opportunity to go to Uganda this summer and love people with my service. The thought scares me to death. Can I overcome the fear for the greater good of helping some other people? Is there something that I can bring to the table that no one else going could contribute? I don’t know. Things to ponder. What do you think Corey?
What do I think Laurie? GO GO GO!
Hi Corey,
Long time reader, first time commenting. Lately I’ve been thinking that myself and I’m surprised on how numbed we’ve turned to this. A while a go I did an experiment on responding how I actually felt when asked “How are you?” and more often than not, the reaction was of shock and disbelief. People were expecting the usual “Fine. and you?” and instead they got the real deal. Few people commented on my response, but most of them, just nodded their heads and muttered a “wow”. Not that my responses were outrageous or anything, something like “tired, because my son kept us up all night. He had a fever”. Honestly I wasn’t “fine”.
Someone I knew from work, kept on saying that “no one really cares how I feel or what I’m going thru”, you can say he was a bit of an Eeyore, but obviously his circle reinforced that belief. Sometimes when I read someones tweets I ask myself, “why do I needed to know THAT?!” but at least she’s been honest on her feelings.
Interesting point you bring about sharing the burden. After all we’re all in this spaceship together, let’s support each other.
Thanks for joining in the discussion.
I’ve actually stopped asking “How are you” as part of the normal greeting. I simply say hello or something similar and allow the conversation to unfold from there. But as for the traditional exchanges, I’m trying to stop them. It’s interesting because I still hear a “good, you?” response even though I haven’t asked them how they were.
Wow, such a timely post Corey. Thank you. I have been trying to be a more loving wife and have been examining my behaviors lately. It is a LONG slow journey and I have to remind myself daily. Good thing I wear a bracelet to remind me to be a better lover of people! As my 16 yo says, “It is not all about you, mom.” Kids see things so clearly! LOL!