Most everyone who lives in an industrialized nation has felt the impact of the Internet. There is seldom a day where I am not online at some point, in fact it’s rare that I go several waking hours without hopping online for some reason. Even my 4 year old enjoys some of the games and activities the Internet provides.
The Internet is transforming the experience of growing up in America. It is also transforming the job of being a parent in America. The Internet brings the world – the good, the bad, and the ugly – to the American family’s doorstep. It brings the ruins of ancient Athens to that doorstep, but it also brings the red light district of Bangkok. ~ The Third Way Culture Project
The Internet is the means through which we know each other. It’s also how I connect with my family and past college and childhood friends. But as many of you know, the Internet also brings with it access to other things in our world, namely pornography and sexually explicit material.
If there is one issue I receive regular emails about it’s pornography and its impact on a marriage. Specifically, I’ve received lots of emails asking what to do when one spouse discovers the others use of pornography.
So what’s the impact pornography has upon marriage and family life?
Thus far, the research on Internet pornography (which is a distinct genre due to it’s accessibility, affordability, and anonymity – called the “Triple A Engine”) is not yet reflected in the literature as there are no studies that look specifically at marital and family process and Internet pornography. Any conclusion from research can only be inferred – although the inference is not too much of a leap in my opinion. There are however, many studies involving general pornography and the impact on marriage and family life.
To put this discussion into perspective, let’s review the characteristics of strong, stable, and satisfying marriages. While it is understood that there is not one way to have a stable and satisfying marriage, there are some common factors worth highlighting. Research states these characteristics as: investment in the well-being of the beloved; respect; admiration; sexual desire; intimacy; commitment; exclusivity; and understanding.
Pornography began being researched in 1984 and 1988 by Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, and their research continues to be referenced. They discovered that the effects of repeated exposure to standard, non-violent, commonly available pornography includes: increased callousness toward women; distorted perceptions about sexuality; devaluation of the importance of monogamy; decreased satisfaction with partner’s sexual performance, affection, and appearance; doubts about the value of marriage; and decreased desire to have children. Later research studies further confirm their findings.
It’s important to note that some couples and even clinicians claim pornography consumed in a mutual, consensual, and open manner, can be an enriching aspect of marital intimacy. Although the material consumed is more likely to involve erotic content as opposed to hard-core pornography. Moreover, pornography consumed in a mutual way is inherently different than solitary pornography viewing because it is used as a bridge to become more closer and present with one’s partner, as opposed to a wall that cuts one’s partner off, draws sexual energy away from the marriage, and heightens distance between partners.
Zillman and Bryant’s 1988 study explored the relationship between pornography and personal happiness. The study involved the participants (both male and female) being exposed to either pornographic or innocuous, non-pornographic content in hourly sessions over six consecutive weeks. During the seventh week, participants were asked to rate their personal happiness regarding various domains of their life and relationships.
Results of the study showed that exposure to pornography negatively impacted self-assessment of sexual experience while some other aspects of life remained constant – namely professional satisfaction. Participants reported less satisfaction with their intimate partner, specifically with their partner’s affection, physical appearance, sexual curiosity, and sexual performance.
Additionally, participants exposed to the pornographic material assigned an increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. Furthermore, and the most telling aspect of the research, all these effects were uniform across male and female participants. Meaning this is not only a male issue.
Pornography leads to an objectification rather than a meaningful interaction with another person. One woman from a study stated:
I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body. ~ Bergner & Bridges
The use of pornography directly correlates to a decrease in sexual intimacy. Research also finds that its usage is viewed as a form of infidelity that reduces the exclusivity of the relationship. Online sexual activity is perceived by both men and women as an act of betrayal that is as authentic and real as offline acts, namely emotional infidelity.
So what does all this mean?
Pornography has a negative impact on you as a person – and on your relationships. It hurts the ones you love and it likely creates a wall between you, driving you apart rather than closer together.
*Manning, J. C. (2006) The impact of Internet pornography on marriage and the family: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity. 13, 131-165.
Not surprising research.
I am interested in your saying, “Moreover, pornography consumed in a mutual way is inherently different than solitary pornography viewing because it is used as a bridge to become more closer and present with one’s partner.”
I would think that porn viewed together would still burn images in your brain that during intimate times with your spouse would come to mind and get in the way. I would think it would lead to fantasizing about people other than your spouse during sex. How do you view this? Is this healthy, fair to your partner, morally right? How does viewing porn together act as a bridge?
The quote you wrote about Laurie should be kept in context. Often mutual porn viewing is more erotic than hard-core, although I am sure there are exceptions to this with the variety of couples and marriages out there today.
As for moral, healthy, fair, etc. – that is going to be up to each person and couple. Some will use religion or spirituality as a guide for moral, healthy, and fair; others will use something else.
I rely on my spiritual relationship with God, so for my life (which is all I’m responsible for) this helps determine if my wife and I would use porn in our relationship.
So where is the line between “erotic” and “hard core”? Not having seen much porn, I really don’t know. What is the difference between “erotic” and “romantic”? Is it all a slippery slope? Would it be like a drug where the same intensity wouldn’t do it for you later?
I once heard Rob Bell say that torture was also harmful to the inflicter of the torture as well as the one being tortured. Do you think that is the case here? Is it harmful to the one in front of the camera and to indulge in viewing porn would be like cooperating in something that has harmed another?
I could not agree with you more, Laurie. I fail to see anything “romantic” about needing to view ANOTHER couple in an intimate situation. Surely there are more creative options?
Slippery slope indeed!
Just because you don’t think something is romantic, doesn’t mean others don’t. It is totally between each couple. Just like some people love peas and others hate peas. Are peas good? It all depends on who you ask, and the people who like peas aren’t any more right or wrong than the people who don’t. Whether it’s “moral” or not…it’s not anyone else’s business. You apply your morality to yourself and don’t expect others to subscribe to your version of morality.
If you don’t think porn is ‘moral’, then don’t watch it. Plain and simple. If it’s a problem in your marriage, then deal with it in your marriage. That doesn’t mean that people who use/allow porn in their marriages are wrong or morally deficit.
I really think future studies will show that erotica is the ‘gateway’ drug to porn, and it’s the primary way that the porn user will introduce porn into the relationship. Massage tapes were how my new spouse tried to introduce me to porn. I’m a very natural person and sensed that my body was responding to the stimuli, but I’m also wise enough to know it was simple animal response, and I said no way. The whole concept of watching this stuff, then going off together to the bedroom made my spirit sick. I withheld my ‘moral’ judgments, because “it’s something everybody does sometimes”. I don’t know why this is, why if our values have any link to religion we think we have to keep them to ourselves. I wouldn’t watch the porn, but I got to watch the joy and fun of our physical intimacy evaporate. We are confronting it now, and I hope we can heal.
It’s true: moral, healthy, fair would be legally defined as whatever both partners agree on that works for them. But poison is poison. Drinking Kool-Aid with rat poison in it will kill you whether you know it’s poison or not, or choose to believe it’s poison in the first place. It’s poison even if it’s just a little and you’re calling it spice. Porn changes the way the brain ‘pings’ to sexuality, and it’s not sustainable at a ‘soft’ level. It also cannot co-exist with a real and healthy intimate relationship, which is what I have found out the hard way. One will die. Continuous exposure leads to desensitization and escalation as your article says, and forces a person to look at their sex partner as a thing. If I could go back, I would have forced a choice right there at the start of my marriage.
Watching porn together can very much be a bridge. For one the other spouse is often suprised to find that they too enjoy watching it. It builds excitment and leads to better sex for both parties. It also builds upon the relationship since one spouse doesn’t feel ashamed that they like porn anymore. They can feel free to be themselves and take part in something they enjoy WITH their partner.
Is is healthy? Why not? Are we talking about a porn habit that has them missing their job and watching porn 12 hours a day here? I doubt it.
It is fair? Well, why would it be fair to make your partner give up something they enjoy to appease your insecurities?
Is it moral? Yuck… I hate the inference that anyone who enjoys or watches porn is immoral. I would rather be in a happy porn watching marriage then an unhappy divorced marriage cause I tried to stuff my ideas about morality down my partner’s throat.
Er, there’s nothing on earth the least bit normal or natural about spending 3 or more hours a day having “sex” with an electronic monitor and surgically and graphically enhanced images acting or faking sexual encounters they don’t actually do in any other circumstance.
Yes, sure, men, women all like a little variety and we all have our fantasies, that IS normal. This isn’t. What it is is a lack of self-discipline and pure GLUTTONY in the same way we’d
It’s also clearly self-destructive and harmful and if you won’t stop doing it for your family and children than do it for YOURSELF. Because you’ll be really really sorry in 20 years when things like Diabetes 2, Cancer, CAD and stroke become personally familiar and you don’t have a trusted partner of 30 years to clean your butt, get you your medications, to the bathroom and doctor and wipe the spool off your mouth. And trust me, nobody you’ve been with five years is going to do that.
For Godsakes GROW UP and find something productive to do with your time. As for how to stop it’s very simple. TURN OFF THE POWER.
Really like what you said and it is true. Porn is only destructive , it does not build anyone. Personally I think it’s selfish and immature.
It’s true, what you say about porn over powering the marraige. My husband seems to be just a husband by contract with god and the piece of paper that we signed in the church. His porn is around the clock he watches lesbians foreign movies on his laptop, going to websites watching it. He already had a cyber affair multiple times and been caught, and of course blames me. I have been married not even a year. I’m in my late 30′s very attractive, skinny and have a high self esteem about my self. I have no insecurities and don’t understand why he does this. I really don’t believe that I should apply for a divorce, but then again im sick of this too. I have no more sexual desires for him. I don’t want to have any private time with him. The last few times that I did have sex, it was the roughest sex. I did tell him and he had his orgasm and left me there in bed. I was torn, bleeding and he says, “i’m sorry” Sure second time sex is in the middle of the night I was woken due to my clothes being pulled off and then the same scenario happened. Does my husband have severe mental issues? I would say yes
YOU have severe mental issues (in spite of your words to the contrary) for staying with a man who leaves you “torn, bleeding” not once, but twice. THAT’s abuse. Get out NOW.
You are totally missing the point; if your partner enjoys porn on a regular basis, the time spent having sex with you isn’t about you at all. It’s all about the women he has become involved with online. And yes, I did say “involved”. Over time, studies show that an emotional bond forms with the porn performers that surpasses any feelings he had about you. I don’t want to be replaced by a fantasy life, I’d rather be in a marriage where I was treated as the object of his desire rather THAN (not then, please, totally different word & meaning) some fake plastic woman on screen. Porn is addictive, porn is damaging to the person watching, it is damaging to that person’s marriage.
I’m sorry but you sound like a sexual bully. That or you are naive about the real physiological changes to “happy porn watching” people. “Happy porn watching” isn’t possible, except maybe the first time or two. It actually physically numbs the mind gradually to normal sexuality, slowly causing the viewer to need more and more variety and intensity. It also literally builds greater and greater repulsion to intimacy with a real person. It is a poison to intimacy, not a version of intimacy or enhancer of intimacy. I’ve lived this, I know. I’m guessing you’re the porn user and either not in a relationship yet and angry at the prospect of ever giving up your addiction, or just at the beginning and you’re getting resistance. Sorry, relationship and porn can’t co-exist; wish it could ’cause it’d make life a lot easier for all of us non-porn people who’d like to left out of it.
I stumbled on this article trying to find answers to what is happening to my marriage. Just reading your post has really opened my mind to what my spouse is thinking. My spouse is so great in so many ways, we love each other so much, but our marriage is dying because of trying to make it fit.
Yeah, the other spouse usually is “surprised” by the spouse who “appreciates” porn. It usually isn’t introduced as a “bridge” for better lovemaking until after the vows are said. Then the “bridge” erotica is introduced, ‘here, honey, let’s build some excitement, it’s not “bad” because it’s not hard-core….’ Interestingly, the “surprised” partner can be aroused by the viewing of erotica and soft-porn, just as an animal or even a child can be aroused with the right stimuli. Does that make sex with a child or animal right?! The body has these animal functions. What we humans choose to do to the body is the moral part. (By the way, the erotic massage tapes, etc., will have to escalate to harder stuff, it’s the way porn works. There is no happy plateau, because there is no emotional joy to float it.)
You define unhealthy as missing work for 12 hours a day? Unhealthy is when one partner feels pushed to watch strangers performing sexual behaviors because the other doesn’t want to feel ashamed anymore. Unhealthy is when one partner feels they have to imitate porn behavior because the “free” partner is so easily bored.
You think unfair is making your partner give something up to appease their insecurities? Are you serious? It’s not about insecurity. It’s about intimacy and real relationship. All erotica and porn always leads away from intimacy and real relationship. Always. But if that is what you need and want and like, it would only be unfair if you completely and 100% honestly revealed this to your partner before marriage, before they make any vows. Porn will still lead away from intimacy and real relationship, but at least the spouse knew about it ahead of time.
Saying no to porn isn’t about forcing morality down someone’s throat. Almost always, it’s the porn lover who’s shoving porn down their partner’s throat.
Millie,
I have been married for 13 years (together for almost 20) so no I am not single. There is no “porn user” in our marriage. We have both watched and are free to watch whenever we want. Do we watch? Occasionally. Is it a problem for us? NO.
I have a very healthy, very satisfying marriage and we sometimes watch porn. All the comments about how porn ruins marriage or destroys intimacy is not true in our case. I think it is important to share a fully functional and happy marriage story among all the porn sob stories so that others know that they don’t HAVE to live that way. And for the record my husband and I dated for 6 years prior to marriage. I knew all there was to know or not know about his porn viewing habits BEFORE we married. If you married someone without knowing who they truly were… well shame on you.
Oh and congrats for being “that guy”. The one that always has to enter a rational discussion and bring up beastiality of sex with children just to make a warped point about porn. Seriously?
Thanks Tiffany for your thoughts. I also would like Corey’s thoughts on this as well. As far as fair I was speaking more to having fantasies going on in your brain that didn’t include your partner. Is that fair to have secret sex or images dancing in your brain, that didn’t include your partner. It doesn’t have to do with insecurities as much as respect.
On the moral issue, yuck or no yuck, the question still stands. If having sex outside of marriage is immoral, wouldn’t looking at porn be as well? What about a third option to your two sinerios…How about a healthy, respectful marriage where porn isn’t needed because the two have the freedom to explore, express, and excite each other without the outside influence of porn? To me, that would take more intimacy, creativity and less insecurities than your other choices. Looking at porn is the easy, uncreative way to excitment. I even wonder if it is a way to avoid looking at issues as to why you want to bring that into your sex life.
I have some friends who have tried viewing pornographic images together as a couple and it has enhanced their sexual experiences. I think it may be different for every couple. However, I personally feel that that viewing porn is immoral. Sexual experiences should be kept within the bounds of marriage. Period.
Corey, thanks for the reminders of this insidious addiction. I know it can be as damaging as alcoholism and remains one of the secret plagues attacking the family unit and individuals.
How about the fact that porn is an industry that uses women up and spits them out? Does anyone ever think about the effects on the people performing for you? How about the fact that porn does far more harm than good for ALL of the people involved?
Actually porn industry has many former porn ‘actresses’ that are now running their own companies and/or ‘directing’ movies. There are levels in a porn industry just like you have exclusive upscale restaurants and greasy fast food joints and everything inbetween.
People performing for you do it on their own accord and are paid to do it (quite well) – i urge you to watch the ’9 to 5: Days in porn’ documentary which explains a lot and clears up many prejudices about porn – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278293/
On what evidence do you ground the notion that porn does more harm than good for all people involved? Don’t you know that porn was the driving force for development of home video and internet!
HIV, AIDS, Increased numbers of STD’s, future infertility, those are just a few of the things I consider ‘harmful’ that affect people in the porn industry, leaving out the drugs, the fact that these people are not having sex with their ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ – that they are just trying to become famous by selling their body. If you don’t find that harmful, I really am glad I don’t know you.
Noelle, since when is other people’s sex lives and chances for STDs or infertility any of our business? They are adults and we don’t need to save them from themselves. YOU have a choice in who you marry, who you have sex with, and whether or not you view porn… but yet other people shouldn’t have those same choices because you think it is harmful??? No one has to accept your version of morality…. remember that.
I disagree with the idea that no one has to accept someone else’s version of morality. It seems to me (and I may be wrong) that all the sexual harassment laws stem from forcing people to accept the morality of others.If not, then anyone should be able to say and do anything they want in the work place and schools. To limit them is forcing the morality of others onto the person who wants to flirt or harass.
We are forced to accept the morality of the majority of people all the time. I believe that stealing is a moral issue. As a society we made it against the law. If I walked over to your purse and started taking things out of it, I bet you would expect me to stop because you feel it is wrong for me to take you belongings. Every society establishes a standard for right and wrong according to the culture. Right now our society is battling out the morality of same sex marriage. For most, it is a moral issue. Whether or not same sex marriage is legalized or protected, will be a way that someone’s morality is forced onto society. You may ask, how does it affect others? Doesn’t matter with this post. I don’t want to start that conversation but am only using it as an example where morality is being forced onto others.
This conversation is interesting….Let’s make sure to discuss it in a respectful way to each other.
My point is that you are not only paying for this immorality to continue, you are SUPPORTING the STD’s AIDS, drug use by using porn, even if it is ‘to enhance your marriage.’ Since when did we become so myopic and selfish that we don’t care what happens to someone at the other end of the exchange? We care about carbon credits, we want to save the Earth and will pick up paper instead of plastic, but the girl who is selling her body so we can get horny, who cares what happens to her??
Tiffany –
“no one has to accept your version of morality”
you’re right. but everyone has to answer for their own version some day. and my personal belief is that
“since when is other people’s sex lives…any of our business?”
is one of the biggest lies we as a culture believe. The choices others make DO affect me. The choices I make do affect other people.
Tiffany,
If STDs are everyones business, because we all ultimately share the costs associated with treating those who have them, through our insurance plans, hospital fees, etc.
Tiffany,
STDs are everyones business, because we all ultimately share the costs associated with treating those who have them, through our insurance plans, hospital fees, etc.
“My point is that you are not only paying for this immorality to continue, you are SUPPORTING the STD’s AIDS, drug use by using porn”
Noelle,
I’m sure the porn industry is a very small contributor of these things! STDs and drugs are probably found in greater numbers in colleges than in the porn industry. Taking out the porn industry would likely have an insignificant effect on STD and AIDS infections in the world and would like have no impact on drug use.
do you know how your beef or poultry meat is produced? it has harmful effects on people working there and the environment not to mention rise in animal diseases migrating to human beings (cow madness, bird flu, swine flu) directly connected to the industrial food production (at least according to some researchs, again a debatable issue)
sex workers are strictly medically controlled and have regular checkups and tests (at least twice a year) which, i guess is more than ‘regular’ people have. it seems to me you are equating porn with prostitution.
what makes you think those people are not having sex with their spouse? hearsay i presume…
cannot you all come to terms with the notion that it is an industry that feeds many people and has sideffects just like any other industry. yes they’re using their bodies but it is their choice.
do you know that people in Asia that produce your canned tuna live and work in horrible conditions? do you have any moral qualms about them? they’re selling their bodies and souls so you can have cheap food
how many people did the tobacco industry kill with passive (secondary) smoking?
how many people did the arms industry kill?
we can go in circles with these arguments but the jist of it is that your morality standards greatly differ from mine.
i find porn is a natural expression of human tendency to have intercourse for fun (not strictly for procreation like every other species on earth) and you have examples of pornographic images since ancient times.
If a biblical perspective is taken (and only IF that perspective is taken – leaving other definitions of morality aside) viewers and supporter of any kind of porn are supporting and contributing to an industry whose participants are going to HELL.
I guess this is why so many people are jaded in general about the great hypocrisy that Christianity seems to represent.
Yeah, all five of them. And then there’s the other 15,000.
I think “most” couples use porn to create fantasies about each other, not the actual people in the movies. This would be why ameteur porn is so big… those people are just average, everyday folks like you are married too. My husband likes porn and he is very particular about what he likes… the woman has to look like me. Why do you think that is? Cause he wants them or me? I know which one it is and find it all very flattering. It is totally possible to have a healthy, respectful marriage that includes porn. Porn to me is like a sex toy… it just adds to the experience.
O.k. you say: “My husband likes porn and he is very particular about what he likes… the woman has to look like me”…Are you 100% sure… A lot of men have a “secret garden” and it’s not because he lets you in, that he’s completely opened about its content…I was once as naive as to believe my man was “the most transparent an honest of them all”, up until the day I discovered the ugly truth, and that what had started as a playful way to spice up our sexual life had turned into something I was really not prepared for! I don’t know how old you are, but for many of us women, between childbearing and aging, life is cruel on our bodies and the man in our life don’t find it as attractive and sexy as it used to be, so they start seaking elsewhere what they do not have at home anymore…If for a small pourcentage of couples, porn remains a way to “better sex within the couple”, unfortunately it is not the case for many more! So ask yourself these questions: How will I feel if I ever discover that my man does not only look at women that look like me? or : What will I do if he is having ciber sex or an affair with someone else? Believe me, I do not wish any arm to your relationship, but the fact is that porn is like any other type of addiction…it always starts very innocently, but it’s insidious…you know when, how and where it stars, but you never know the end result!
Sylvia – I agree with your reply to Tiffany..she is young and will one day see what becomes of her intimacy with her husband. I too, went along and played into the porn with my husband…until he preferred the women over myself. I am still a very attractive, sexually exciting women… we had a very creative and satisfying relationship until he began using porn 5-6 days per week
DeeDee I have been married for going on 14 years (this year) so I am not THAT young. This post is actually getting old and yet with all the newer “porn is BAD” comments my marriage is still rockin! It’s pretty funny.
To the comment about the porn industry using up women and spitting them out: You would be hard pressed to find any industry where that does not happen. Women are sill paid less and treated more poorly than their male counterparts, we still make 70(ish) cents to the dollar. And, honestly a good case could be made that ANY industry uses their employees (male and female) for their personal gain and then terminates the relationship. A bit of research on Jenna Jameson and you will see that it is possible (albeit rare) to dominate, control, and make the porn industry work for you instead of the other way around. As for the porn industry encouraging “immoral” acts like drugs, multiple marriages, deviant behavior…anyone checked out Hollywood lately? And, seriously, talk about using up women and spitting them out!
I am not a porn watcher outside of the occasional but I do give a huge amount of credit to any industry that can capitalize on such a visceral human urge. But, like anything, drugs, alcohol, porn, shopping, spending too much, eating, etc. etc. ANYTHING that causes some negative impact on your relationships and personal functionality should be evaluated. Excess to the point of addiction is hardly a porn-only phenomenon.
Cory, thanks for tackling a hard issue. Do you have any suggestions for a partner (mostly wife) in a marriage where both partners agree that they don’t want porn in the relationship? How can a wife encourage and support without enabling? How can they communicate their feelings without it becoming a guilt trip?
I do have some thoughts V. and I will write them up in a follow up post.
It seems absurd to think that bringing others into your intimate relationship via porn will ever increase oneness in marriage. The studies consistently show lower levels of intimacy and emotional connection, higher levels of marital satisfaction and many other negative effects. Don’t fall for “the bait” of pornography! It’s just a slippery road to diminishing returns and greater dissatisfaction.
Corey-
Thank you for this article. I think you presented it very well.
I enjoy looking at the Victoria Secret catalogs with my husband, knowing that he is picturing ME instead of the models. Anything ‘more’ than that is too much for me.
My husband used to have an issue with pornography but finally decided he was not going to put himself into that position anymore. (He always pictured me instead of the other women in this instance as well.) We have had a lot of talks about it and it’s great to know that he has given it up because of his love for me.
As for couples looking at porn together — that is entirely up to them, and is their own business. What each couple feels comfortable doing with their partner is between them, no one else.
Dealing with a partner addicted to porn is a difficult situation to be in, and ultimately communication is the key. You both need to be on the same level of understanding to get through it. One needs to be willing to admit they have a problem, while the other needs to understand what they are going through and be willing to stick with them and support them through it all.
Ann – How can you be sure he has given it up? Are you that naive that you actually believe he is thinking of you when he is viewing porn?
Lets decrease the morality aspect on this, since morality isn’t a standard set in stone and depends on your culture/religioius views. Porn viewing couples do enjoy sex more and are prepared to explore and innovate. If your spouse hates/despises/has issues with you watching porn then you did it secretly and you have different issues in marriage
As for the images, it is proven that people fantasize (daydream) about all sorts of things (including sex) and it cannot be unhealthy. You can also dream about having sex with other people, when its a subconscious thing which should surface to the conscious level where you can process and manage it properly.
My spouse knew about all my sexual habits and desires before we were married since all the love and trust in the world cannot replace a disfunctional sexual relationship. The thing is to be adult and open about these issues since they are important, albeit we were taught to taboo those subjects. I have to admit internet helped to break those misconceptions about sex.
In conclusion, porn is like alcohol – if you use it sparingly and in good company it has healthy benefits but in large quantities it is detrimental to your health and life.
thank you for this article. i find it ridiculously surprising how many people view pornography as benign. with our first child i had a rough pregnancy and didn’t enjoy sex as much. once our daughter was born and i really couldn’t have sex my husband turned to porn, instead of me. it was the most devastating situation i’ve ever had to experience. he may as well have cheated on me because that’s what it felt like.
i don’t judge couples who use pornography to enhance their sex life but for us it’d be like playing with fire.
as a little aside, i also viewed porn before i was married and even participated in what you could call “mobile pornography”. looking back it was one of the lowest times of my life. there was an addiction that exacerbated my unhappiness.
agree – I too felt cheated on…..
Laura, let’s not take it completely out of context. We are talking about porn… not sexual harassment at work, stealing, or gay marriage. The first two are moral issues but they effect society at large. If I am sexually harrassed or stolen from I am a victim of a crime, not in my mind, a victim or bad morals. I don’t care about the morality of any person as long as it does not victimize me or anyone else. What Noelle was elluding too is the same issue facing gays who want to get married… one person’s religious or moral stand being used to make EVERYONE accept moral standards that they should not have to accept. You are comparing one’s choice to engage in porn or marry someone of the same sex to a “crime”. That is a truly bizarre leap IMO.
While everyone has a right to declare porn or gay marriage as immoral those are choices that do not effect complete strangers and thus the complete strangers should have no say in their practice. That is judging other people lifestyles and feeling you should actually have some say in their personal decisions. You don’t have to accept these things as moral choices just accept that they are not YOUR choices to make.
Tiffany- Thanks for all your thoughts and your willingness to share your stance on this matter.
As for morality being an issue, we are subjected to morality all the time. The laws and the customs of a society are based largely upon the morals of the people involved (regardless of whether you think they are right or wrong). Granted, what goes on in one’s bedroom is up the the people involved, but only up to certain standards and acts.
It takes a collection of people to set up a society, and this society will be based largely upon the morals of the people involved. I do agree that my morals should not be forced upon everyone, they are my morals and they work for me. Each person can follow the morals they choose as well as the morals (laws) the society at large adopts.
For our discussions, each person is allowed to use or not use porn in their life or relationship. It’s up to them. I hoped to bring to light what the research shows on the topic and some of the possible pitfalls associated with porn.
Again, thanks for your willingness to speak up.
Corey, is there research on the effects of porn when viewed as a couple? Even though both parties may agree to participate, it may still have negative affects on the individuals or the couple as a unit. What say you on this?
I’ll have to dig around a bit as I don’t know of any research along this line currently.
actually you perceive stealing and sexual harassment as a crime because laws are passed to declare it a crime.
in the middle eastern countries sexual harassment isn’t a criminal act while stealing is punished even with death (but mostly only by severing limbs) because their moral scale is different than yours.
nothing is a crime until a law is made to declare it a crime. and whether it is moral or not is determined by religion, culture, time, etc… it was immoral to show your ankles in public in victorian times, if i said to a woman she is promiscuous for showing her legs, shoulders and belly i would be scorned. so expect porn to become a socially acceptable and perfectly moral issue 50-100 years from now
do you know that in India porn is illegal and is a crime?
Actually, in Middle Eastern countries, sexual harassment IS a crime. Women are looked upon legally as property (just as in Biblical times, BTW) and sexually harassing a woman is messing with the property of another man is a crime. For some reason, though, it is the women who are stoned to death or otherwise murdered.
Noelle,
I assume that person is an adult capable of making her own choices and I mind my own business. It is not my life’s mission to make people behave the way I want them too nor will it ever be.
But you support and condone those choices with your own. You aren’t ‘minding your own business’ when you are paying for someone elses business or work. Don’t make the mistake of thinking the things you do only affect you, that is as much of a myth as the things that OTHER people do don’t affect you. Unfortunately, or fortunately (since I do think this is part of God’s design) you do not live in a bubble. Try to think how what you are doing affects the people you are SUPPORTING, the people around you, society as a whole. It is a mistake, a very big mistake, to think that the small things you do don’t affect other people. The small things you do affect MILLIONS of people. What you do, what you buy, affects not only those around you, but the people who make it, ship it, the society, the city, the country. Look at your tax bill, look at your insurance payments, look at your grocery bill. The decisions other people have made affect and influence everything you do – and the decisions you make affect them too. Do you really, (I mean the general ‘you’ and not ‘you’ personally) and can you honestly say, that porn is one of your ‘better’ decisions and all the people involved will be better off with your support (even if it’s just verbal)?
Noelle,
I am fully aware of how our choices impact other people. Are you prefect? Have you wlays been so? Do you ever buy clothes in Wal-Mart or Target? They may have come from a sweat shop that uses child labor. Do you buy coffee? Those coffee beans may very well have been picked by children forced to work and the wages paid to them so you could have cheap coffee may not be enough to keep a rat alive. Yes, we all have choices but rarely can we always make the perfect choice that will effect no one but us. We do the best we can. I for one will put more effort into making choices that better the planet, small family businesss, and children at large to name a few. Not very high on my list is protecting grown adults from their own choices. People who make porn DO have choices and I am sure many of them would resent my attempts to save them from themselves. They have bills to pay and families to support to. And for the record you do not have to buy porn to watch porn. Lots of of it on the internet and from ameteur sites that charge nothing so who is getting hurt in that scenario? No one… but I bet you still take issue cause you just don’t like it. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about my “porn” choices… none whatsoever. It doesn’t play a very large role in my life… wathcing it or thinking about it. I think people who don’t like porn think about it more than I do, LOL.
Society protects people from their own choices all the time. Seat belt laws, illegal drug use laws, etc.
As far as who is hurt by free amateur porn on the internet? It hurts kids who stumble on it. It hurts the families of those whose images are on the screen. Don’t know about anyone else, but if, as a youth, someone showed me a screen shot of my parents on an internet porn site, I would be harmed.
My question to Tiffany- Why do you like porn? It’s usually crude and harsh. From the little I have seen, it doesn’t portray the sexual experience in the manner it was intended to be.
While I have contributed to this conversation, I can honestly say I don’t think about porn. It is not a part of my life or my thoughts. It was the subject of the post and people were just chiming in.
I don’t agree with seat belt laws for adults or illegal drug laws either actually. As an adult I think should be able to wear no seat belt or smoke some weed if that is my choice but I digress…
I hate answering a question with a question but who gets to decide what the sexual experience is supposed to be? Don’t we decide that for ourselves. What you call crude and harsh I may call exciting. Perhaps you want flowers, candles, and sweet lovemaking and maybe I want bondage and dirty talk. I am not saying that is the case but for arguments sake is there anything wrong with two people deciding for themselves what they want sex to be? The beauty of the sexual experience is what the two people doing it, make of it. You and I don’t see porn the same way and I am guessing we don’t see sex the same way either.
Argh. There’s such a thing as “too much information”.
I can attest to the fact that if a husband/father IS a regular seeker of porn, then there WILL come a time when children WILL be exposed to it. Addicts become sloppy and careless. My 13 year old has witnessed pornographic images accidentally left on family computer files – and evidence of porn searches on browsing history. A number of times. She has LOST ALL RESPECT for her father. She no longer wants to participate in church life and feels that her father is a hypocrite. And of course – who would disbelieve her father? Upstanding church attendee and successful professional that he is?
I would have more understanding if my husband had had an affair – at least it would be ONE person, and quite possibly stem from an emotional need or attachment. NOT that I condone that – but pornographic addictions are destructive.
“but I bet you still take issue cause you just don’t like it.”
I don’t think that’s what anyone is necessarily saying. The problem is that we DO like it. And it can take over. More easily than many such as yourself give it credit for.
“I can honestly say that I have no regrets about my “porn” choices…”
You’re the first person, out of hundreds, maybe thousands, man or woman, that I’ve heard say that. No wait…strike that…I have heard it before – from the woman my husband had an affair with. She got knocked up by another guy two months after she was with my husband and then recontacted him. In the process she called me – TWO DAYS after having this baby with another man to tell me how good her sex was with my husband and that she loved recreating porn with him.
There is something wrong with someone when those types of topics (sex, porn) have to lace literally every sentence coming out of your mouth.
But your different. And that’s great. Maybe it hasn’t affected you. Maybe you just don’t realize how it has. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and realize how much it has affected you. By then it might be too late.
Oh, so hard to keep quiet here. Laurie, “from the little you have seen” how do you know it is crude and harsh? If you A.Don’t like it and B. have not seen much of it I would hardly consider you someone to voice an opinion one way or another. If, in fact you have actually seen your fair share, well then, I could see you making a generic statement about how porn IS. And, asking Tiffany why she likes something hardly justifies tastes one way or another. Most people like parts of things, not the whole generic lot.
I think the porn issue really comes down to how much control you should have over other peoples actions. And while, yes, every decision you make impacts another given that we do not live in a void, I have to second the statement that saving adults from their own, intelligent, personal decisions is a really futile place to start controlling.
As stated, how about protecting those that can’t make an informed choice – like children who are constantly used up and thrown away? Not only Walmart, Sams, Target, Coffee beans, but most fabrics that go into your clothes are produced by countries without child labor laws. What about your batteries, those Nike sneakers you have to have, Chocolate, diamonds… the list goes on. Seems to me that if you are trying to truly protect people you would start with those to do not, can not have a voice for themselves.
I teach a class on business ethics and do you know when 90% of porn is viewed? Between the hours of 9am and 5pm. Over 75% of people in the workforce have viewed porn at work. So for those of you that think that your husbands/wives are not looking, I would think again. And, in my job consulting for technology I can personally back up those statistics – I see it every day.
It seems to me that the argument should not be about what grown adults should and should not be doing in their own time but how can we set up an industry that is safe for those that DO work in it. No one wants to be harassed on the job, no mater where you work, even in the porn industry. Too many people are trying to force their morality on others when they could really be making a difference by helping, supporting, and purchasing products from those that ARE keeping their employees safe, paid, and in control. And guess what? There really are those kind of people, honest, hard working, and intelligent in the porn industry. So if you truly want to protect people, research the company, clothing like, or product before you buy – then when you actually have some real information you can start spouting about what is and what is not moral.
Tiffany- you may not agree with seat belt laws and the like, but as a society those who make the laws feel the need to protect people from themselves. It is what our society does.
Who decided what the sexual experience is supposed to be? God. This may be the problem. For those of us who live a certain faith, it is the morals of that faith that calibrate our behavior. Since our nation (despite what people want to believe) was founded on Biblical morals and values, they have been the standard for which we as a society have lived for a while. A person who has no faith, has no standard for their behavior and what is right and wrong their morals seems to ebb and flow like the tides of the times. For them, it’s about what “feels” right.
Elizabeth- I can’t tell you how much porn I have seen. It has popped up on my computer without my inviting it in on several occasions. I’m a school teacher and one day while the kids were researching sites for a project, a porn site shot through the fire wall. It was both crude and harsh. It has come through many a filter. While my sample size is smaller than yours, I have seen enough to say it was all both crude and harsh. This is a public forum. There was no amount of experience given in the post to qualify an opinion.
Tiffany’s question was who does it hurt. This post is not about the abuse of children in sweat shops and the like. I answered her question about who does porn hurt.
I do believe your statistics on the time that most porn is viewed is correct. I would refer back to the research that Corey stated in his post. The porn viewed during that time slot is obviously not viewed as recreation for couples.
This post is about porn. To justify that I should not speak on the behave of children concerning porn because there are other abuses of children in the world is silly.
Elizabeth, discussing this is fine. I am interested in what others believe and why. It helps me grow in may ways. I know you will never agree with me and I won’t ever agree with you on this subject. Your opinion, however, would be better heard if delivered without the tone it is written in. “Spouting’? LOL!
“Who decided what the sexual experience is supposed to be? God.” Well, my response to that is… prove it. Religion, God, ect is a faith based “theory”.
“With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things.” – Steven Weinberg
I don’t like the generalization that people who choose not to live by Biblical principles have “no standard for their behavior and what is right and wrong their morals seems to ebb and flow like the tides of the times. For them, it’s about what “feels” right.”
I have no faith and no Bible to live by but yet I have been with only one man in my whole life. That man is my husband and has been for 11 years. We don’t cheat on each other, we don’t use drugs, we raise 3 kids to be loving, empathetic creatures, we have steady jobs, we pay our taxes, we do community work, and we are good people who who do not harm other people. You do not need God to be good people and make intelligent choices. People can have good marriages without God. I have 11 years of marriage without God as testimony. But the fact that we might watch porn now and again means we have no morals and no concept of right and wrong? I feel sorry you believe that.
Tiffany – I agree with your statements, however, you will see a change in your relationship..and you will be devastated. Again, I too played along….it led to the demise of our sexual and intimate relationship….I wished I never had agreed to it. And the porn does start to get vulgar….
You are correct, this is a discussion about porn and not child labor. But in the same vein, it is a discussion about porn and NOT god. If we were to talk about how religion plays a role in morality I suggest you view the incredible death, destruction, and mayhem that is our global history. What has been done in the name of “god” is hardly a good standard for moral aptitude.
With that said, I again ask, why not support those companies you believe fall into your description of morality by purchasing products from those that ARE keeping their employees safe, paid, and in control? It seems as if everyone supports a company that follows the gold standard of “Do unto others” we might not be so worried about what other people do in the privacy of their own homes. But in order to really know how a company (or industry for that matter) is treating their employees, we should spend a bit of time researching instead of basing our opinions on a few firewall slips.
Tiffany, God, Christianity is not based on theory. I’m not going to go into that here but you can research it if you like. God created sex so that two can become one. It is the foreshadowing of his relationship with his church. The Bible gives a lot of freedom for expressing this oneness in sex. Inviting others into the relationship whether in person or in pictures, is not what sex is designed to be in order to give us it’s most fulfilling experience. My values are based on the Word of God. You really proved my point in that you have nothing that you base your morals on other than what feels good to you. Fortunately, what feels right for you seems to be a good thing for you as well. That’s not the case with everyone.
Elizabeth- I only mention God because I was asked about who decided what the standard for sex should be.
It seems that Corey has added a new post on this subject. Let’s take a read!
so what standard for sex did the Hindu gods decide, or Alah or Xenu for that matter
Argus- you wouldn’t like my answer so I’ll pass. Thanks
Laurie-
God does not want robots-He gave us free will. The laws of this earth do not matter to HIM. He wants his followers to come to HIM out of our free will.
Secondly, HE says not to judge others for a couple of reasons. The first is because HE is the judge, not us. The second is because he will use how we judge others as the standard for how HE will judge us (this one always gives me pause). “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
If your values were truly and fully based on the Word of God, you would also know that being strident and harsh is not pleasing to Him at all. We all have free will. We all use it well at times. We all use it poorly at times. Jesus says we are to love one another at all times. No matter what. His commands are simple-love Him and love people. Are you doing your best at that right now? Sadly, I don’t think so.
Ann- Wow it’s been so long since I wrote all of this. One thing about the “blog comment” venue is that it is just about your opinion on things. In this forum we pretty much just speak truth, at least as we see it. In real life these truths FOLLOW the relationships we have with people. I would not go up to a person in the store and start barking truth. I would speak truth in love to those I have that type of relationship with….with people I love. Unfortunately in this area, the relationship part is left out thus peoples’ opinions seem to come across as judgmental. Take for example your last sentence, “No matter what. His commands are simple-love Him and love people. Are you doing your best at that right now? Sadly, I don’t think so.”…When I read that, I thought, “Wow, does she not see she has just done what she accused me of doing?” But I know that you were just speaking in a sound bite here in this venue. A thought you have without the benefit of any friendship from which your statement would come in the real world.
As far as being judgmental, we are all judging others. We judge whether or not someone would be a good friend, a good worker, a good spouse. We judge our children’s friends to see if they might be a good or bad influence on our kids. I don’t think that is anti Biblical. We are told to run from evil. In order to determine evil, we need to judge what that might be.
In your example of Jesus telling the rabbis ‘He who is without sin, cast the first stone’ , He also then turned to the woman and said, “Go and sin no more.” Whereas we are not to judge someone’s sin any better or worse than anyone else’s or judge a person’s heart, I do believe we are to judge that something is sin and warn others as to the possible consequences of that sin. We do have free will… that free will is so that we would freely choose God. The way we freely choose God is to love Him, love others and live our lives, as best as we can, in a way that honors God….to follow and help others follow Christ and his teachings. That would include running from sinful things. I believe that pornography is one of those sinful things that we should run from. While I would feel totally comfortable with the idea of God ‘s Spirit being a part of my sexuality with my husband, I don’t think God would be blessing the use of pornography in that.
Pornography (the men’s bibliography) seems to list a few researches (somewhat) related to internet porn. If I had the time, I guess I’d take a closer look at Manning, J. as well as Stack, S., I. Wasserman, and R. Kern.
A lot has been said about porns morality but what it really comes down to is an honest look at how it effects your relationship with your partner. I’m kind of torn about whether porn is inherently immoral… the point that it is largely degrading to women is valid… the point that women like Jamison have used this to HER advantage and been very successful is also true and valid.
My husband and I have watched porn together…. we had some hotter sex, yes, but it also felt a little more empty to me… something was missing. The intimacy wasn’t there. It felt a bit like some of the one night stands I had in my single days. It scratched an itch but felt superficial.
My other problem is that I figured out that lots of young men seem to get their sex training from watching porn. Unfortuneatly, a lot of what the movies show turning a woman inside out with ectasy doesn’t actually work as well in real life. I base this observation on a couple relationships and discussions with girl friends. We all have had to break husbands or boyfriends of at least one or two “tricks” they picked up from porn.
Thanks for digging up the research. It is so important that couples understand the false intimacy of porn. So important! Men really need to find accountability in this area, whether or not their struggle is habitual. You might like this video story of a couple that found healing in this regard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM
You also might like this guest post on my blog from Mark Gaither. Really interesting take on how women see pornography:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/07/27/is-porn-the-same-as-adultery/
“False intimacy”
what a great definition of what porn actually ends up being. if only people understood that. Sex could be so much more.
I haven’t done research on porn but I have watched and this is my beef with pornography. For one thing, their is so much pornography nowadays it is a complete overload of the senses. Everybody likes sex but it is insanely unneccesary for the amount of porn that exists to exist at all. Secondly, the accesibility of pornography is so prevalent in modern society that yes it does mould young men’s ideas about fidelity, the physical value of women, and it also affects there sexual tastes. For instance one might have no interest in hitting women during sex but if they didn’t know any better and watched porn where this was being done they might adopt it into their sex lives. Thirdly and this is probably the most important, the pornography is a huge vehicle for racism, misogyny, and it also serves to disqualify the roles of women in society. You’ll notice that any authoritative or emotionally valuable role women hold in society has been attacked. There is pornography with grandmothers performing oral sex, pregnant women, women in the professional world, mothers, young women, heavy women, and women of specific racial background. To suggest that the pornography industry exists for the benefit of anyone but the profiteers that offer it would be absurd. Is human sexuality natural and healthy yes: there’s nothing wrong with enjoying it. However watching people get treated like crap for money is not healthy and alot of pornography is just that, and it is intentionally made that way.
FANTASTIC POINTS! I completely agree.
THIS is the heart of the matter.
Personally, I think people who need this “kicks” are very lacking. There is nothing “manly” about desiring this rot.
Corey and Everyone Else-
I believe everybody has their own individual thoughts and views on pornography. Most men that I know like pornography because they can use it to have sex with other women in their heads, and that makes them not want to have sex with their parteners. Don’t say that I don’t know what I’m talking about either. I have many writings about my husbands friends and their relationships with their wives. They come to me and tell me that I’m the only one they can talk to about what’s going on and it started with pornography.
After they birthed children, the men’s wives did not want to have sex as much as they did before and when they were pregnant, so they turned to pornography to gain the sexual pleasure they needed. They had all the love and attention they could get from their wives inbetween the women caring for the children, which the husbands wouldn’t do in the first place. So, not only did they expect the women to have sex with regularily, they expected them to be up and down with their infants every night, work outside of the home, and take care of them as well. All of this started happening AFTER pornography was introduced in the home.
I’m not just speaking for the other couples either, this is my own life story as well. After I birthed my little girl, my sex drive went somewhere else for about 2 years. In the time that my child was still an infant, my husband started to watch pornography. Before he started to watch pornography, he was a wonderful father and partener to me. He helped me at night by changing clothing and we daipers while I breastfed every 2 hours. Granted, he went to work also (a hard labor job), so took over taking care of the baby and house work. We had a great partenership, but our sex life was lacking. I told him that sexual intercourse hurt me so he went and purchased hardcore pornography behind my back. He didn’t use pornography to bring our sexual intamcy back together, he hid it from me and sometime later, I figured out why.
He wanted the pornography because of his sexual fantasy that he couldn’t get at home. The trouble is, he never told me. So far he’s spent more than a hundred dollars on this type of hard core pornography and continues to spend.
Now our relationship is in a wreck. He’s always angry with me, no matter if we have the kind of sex he wants or not. He never takes care of his daughter. He wants me to take care of him, the child, and the house while I work. He see’s me as an object during sex. He thinks my body is disgusting, yet I’m down to the same size as when we first me, and wishes I was skinnier and had bigger breasts. He wants me to preform the violent and dangerous sex acts that he sees on the pornography. He wants to have multiple parteners and expects me to stay with him while he’s doing these things. He won’t seek coulseling with me and expects me to stay with him while he’s going out and having sex with other women.
He hasn’t done it yet, but he’s paying hundreds of dollars a year at a booty call website on top of the pornography he buys. If he didn’t buy all these things, we could have had a better relationship and a better life together, but now it’s worse. Now he’s unemployed but yet he continues to spend our savings on pornography.
You people don’t know what your talking about because pornography has never ruined your personal relationships but has ruined mine and the relationships of the two females’ that I have been talking to and writing about. I’m very disappointed with the fact that so many people, MEN and WOMEN alike, don’t understand that porn CAN ruin marital intimacy, but the fact that not only do they don’t understand but DO NOT CARE as well, makes me disgusted to think I came from the same primordial soup as everybody else.
I’m disappointed in the husbands more than anyone else because they can’t see how great they have it with women who care so much about them, and how much their wives are trying to get their attention and have a great intimate relationship with them.
Reading your story breaks my heart. I give you a huge high five in having the courage to share your story with others. You are not the only one, so don’t feel alone. This is why women are a lot more prone to stay single these days. And you are right, men are so selfish. Porn destroys families. It destroys partnerships and it destroys children. Divorce is horrible on children. It is a scar they carry for life. And women are so messed up in the head now because we are “not skinny enoug. Our boobs are not big enough. We don’t like to have cum shot into our eye sockets. We must be prudes.” *HUGS*!! If you ever need someone to talk to…please don’t hesitate. Take care.
MangeWolf – I applaud you for sharing your story. My husband was confronted by our 13 yr old daughter about the pornography she found on our home computer, and he broke down with me (after RAGING at her for outing him) and admitted that he was addicted. Within days he said that he had exaggerated the issue. I insisted that he visit a psychologist – he did so with reluctance, and then declared (after one visit) that he was “fine”. He is in denial about what has transpired. My daughter can recall seeing evidence of porn searches on about eleven occasions.
My husand declares himself to be Christian and can debate with the best of theologians. I have spoken with an elder (in conjunction with my husband) about this issue – and was reminded that P useage is common (albeit destructive) and that I should forgive, etc. I want nothing to do with the church, now. Or its doctrine.
I think it all depends on the couple. I think some men can access what most people would consider porn and not have it affect thier marriage and some women just don’t care if their husbands access pictures of nude women. Just like I don’t care if my husband looks at another woman while we’re out. We even discuss what constitutes beauty in other people…men or worme and we have fun with it. He and I are very secure in our relationship, so I don’t worry if he wants to look at pictures on the internet and he doesn’t have to hide it from me. We’ve been married almost 10 years now, and we love each other more than ever.
All I know is this.
My husband looking at porn makes me feel unattractive, vulnerable, unloved, ugly, insecure, scared. And lonely.
*hugs* I know exactly how you feel :*(
I’m not surprised that’s how it makes nearly 100% of the women feel including those who claim to enjoy it if they’re truly honest. Of course it does. It FEELS BAD for the person you love to be preferring to have “sex” with an image and a computer.
So, you are against porn because you project your own insecurities on to those who watch it, even your husband? Why not ask yourself – what can I do that he won’t want to watch it instead of projecting all those insecurities? Also, I was not aware that we give up our First Amendment rights when we marry. All you “high morality” people who preach and preach against porn – I just have to shake my head and say – get a life.
As a woman and mother who is now facing the loss of a stable home and family due to pornography, I can certainly attest to the fact that yes, pornography is completely and totally harmful. Only a fool would dictate to the contrary. The proof is there. Over and over and over again we see the proof, we see the hurt, we see the broken homes. And ok, I KNOW that not all ended marriages are a result of porn, but porn is no less a factor then infidelity, alcoholism, abuse, etc. It is an evil business that specializes in the exploitation of women and children. And oh yes, many many children are indeed forced into pornography. Porn is not cookie cutter folks. Some are paid, a lot more are coerced, forced, and are victims of being human traffic. Please read up on this topic before making yourself feel better by justifying it…”because these women are paid.” Here is a question to the ladies: In court, do you think a judge will look at you and treat you the same way as a man if he had spent the last night watching pornography? How likely is it that this judge will see you as a person? Not very. That is because, whether we realize it or not, filthy images change our perspective in our day to day lives. It sits subconsciensly in our minds. It distorts how we view and treat others. Especially women and girls. And porn is not just “regular” anymore. It is horrible. It is rape porn, violent porn, painful porn, etc. Because men cannot get what they want out of porn were the woman is being treated like a human being. They need to see them in pain and being “forced” into all sorts of unnatural and painful things. Look, I am not going to sit here and argue with anyone. However, I am going to encourage anyone who disagrees to do a google search on the subject. Look up reports and studies based on the real world of porn. Do some homework on the traffic stats, check out sex tourism, etc. Take a look at the rise of porn in correlation to the rise of sexual assaults and pedophilia. Hell just take a look at some of the titles of these videos. Educate yourself fully on the topic before defending it. A really wonderful blogger has put together one of the most beautifully written articles on the topic, google “Rage Against the Man-Chine”. She covers EVERYTHING in this regard and is an excellent and educated writer. She talk about all sorts of things, but porn is a huge part of her blog. Anyways, thanks for reading. Anyone else out there who is going through what I currently am…many blessings to you and I understand how you feel.
Amber,
I’m sorry you are dealing with the destruction of your family due to porn. Many men take it too far. But a lot of men don’t. It also depends on what you consider porn. It seems like the ones who get addicted and have issues are the ones who watch the movies and what I would consider ‘hard core’ porn with what you described (sex, abuse, violence, etc.) Many men just like looking at nude modeling like Playboy..what I would call “soft porn”. That’s what I don’t care about. If my husband wants to look at nude models, that’s fine by me. Doesn’t affect me, my self-image, or our relationship.
Wow… I remember when “soft porn” was fake sex in movies. Now we’re calling “soft porn” Playboy? Soon “soft porn” will be those rated XXX movies you can only watch in a personal booth. Doesn’t affect you? Well… it sure seems to have affected society by what you qualify as “soft porn” that was so completely different just ten years ago. What if what your husband qualified as soft porn changed as much as that definition did and he was downloading XXX movies. Would it matter if he still considered it “soft porn?”
Whatever you want to call it…I’m not totally familiar with the terms. I know what my husband likes to look at…nude modeling like what Playboy does. That’s perfectly fine by me. He hasn’t changed in the 15 years I’ve known him. If he were to spend all his time watching porn videos, I’d probably have a problem with that. But as it is, I don’t mind him looking at pictures of nude models at all.
Im in my 6th month of pregnancy, with my third child. My husband thinks its “weird” to have sex with me. I understand that many men find pregnant women unattractive, and frankly unsexy. My husband has been looking at porn on the internet and when he forgets to delete the history, i find out, and im crushed. It makes me feel horrible, knowing my husband is getting off by watching other women getting screwed. He acts like its no big deal, but to me it feels like im being cheated on. He says, one day i’ll come around, and it wont be such a big deal. I feel cheated on, someone help!
What you are feeling is pretty common according to many women. One thing you can do is check out this post I wrote as part of this series: http://www.simplemarriage.net/my-partner-likes-_______-and-i-dont.html
Blessings.
I feel the same way…I thought my husband and I had a great relationship…until his sexual drive started floundering….then I caught him masturbating while I was in the next room sleeping….oh how I wished it would have been me he was having sex with other than an electronic box
Pornographic marriage is not from God. it is a marriage destroyer. keep away from it.
thanks
Tiffany has the best and most sensible comments on here.
Love it! With the way the world is headed, I thought the world was filled with dummies until I read this. Thank you for the information and it all makes sense. I hope others begin to educate themselves with this issue as well.
Those who feel porn is not immoral would you be happy if your 18 year old daughter / younger sister decided to become a porn star? Would that be ok?
I have a daughter. Unless she was being abused, exploited, or in some other way mistreated I would not have a problem with her being involved in porn. I would insist upon being her manager if she went that route just to make sure the caliber of people she was working with were on the level because I admit that this industry can attract scum but I would not have any judgments about the actual work. I would not consider it immoral.
Thats sick. You are sick.
Wow. I have no words. Wait, I have one…ick. As her manager you would be privy to her work. Close ups of your daughters vagina. Scenes of her being penetrated by multiple people. Her breasts and butt being slapped. I feel I need a shower just typing that out. But I’m being graphic to make a point.
Listen, obviously there are two extreme camps of thought on this topic. I’m curious why we keep discussing it. Discussion is good but it doesn’t appear we’re going to change anyone’s mind. We’re just going round and round. By the way most women who are in the porn industry are in some way “abused, exploited, or in some other way mistreated.” If your daughter chose to be in it, then she would more than likely fall in that camp, whether you were her manager or not. And, to address what you’ve said in a couple of other comments, it doesn’t make you less of a person if you participate in porn. You’re still worthy of respect and dignity. I just feel that people who work in that industry don’t really know what real respect and dignity look like or their self-respect and esteem is so skewed that they don’t realize how baseless it is to have their respect and esteem based on something so low.
Please tell me you’re jokingTiffany.
Why would I be joking? Because porn is bad and only bad girls are involved with it? It is a legit job/industry and as long as she is of age it would be HER choice and I would support her in it and be there for her to guide her and help keep her safe. What is the alternative? Disown her? Shame her? What do you suggest exactly?
Just because something isn’t illegal doesn’t make it moral. How sad that you would support your daughter having sex with countless people with cameras pointed at her breasts and vagina while men watch only for the purpose of getting off. Yes porn is bad. I can’t imagine anyone involved in producing it is anything but slim.
I don’t subscribe to your narrow version of morality. I don’t see anything wrong with porn or being a porn actress so you call it bad and I say so what. If my daughter DID get involved with porn she would not be the only family member to have jumped into the adult entertainment industry and she would not be slime. Heck at least she wouldn’t be a Christian or a Republican… now THAT would really upset me.
So, its okay for you to be judgmental of and disrespectful to Christian’s and Republican’s? This open discussion is supposed to breed communication in a dignified way. You have stated that people who work in this industry are not shameful or deplorable or undignified. So why would you make a statement that is obviously meant to be disrespectful and judgmental? Shouldn’t it go both ways?
Lol! Too funny. But seriously. You are worth more than what you’re revealing Tiffany and so is your daughter. Think about raising you self value.
If I raised it any more I might grow a second head. I have rockin self esteem and my daughter knows her worth and value as well. It is a pretty big leap to make that anyone who likes porn has no self worth. One thing has nothing to do with the other.
Research shows that some abused women may enter the sex industry, becoming prostitutes and porn stars who act out the devaluation they have been taught to feel about their bodies; in the process they turn sex into a power relationship in which they feel they have control. According to the sources I found most of the porn stars have identity issues and personality disorders, 90% of porn actors use drugs, 66% have herpes although those numbers may have changed since that study was in 2009.
Bottom line…women go into the porn industry for the money. I guess you can put a price on yours. I certainly can’t.
We put a price on ourselves many times in our life. When we do manual labor we put a price on our body and health. When we are have jobs that utilize our intelligence and mental skills we put a price on our brain and intellect. Our sexuality is another aspect of ourselves and some choose to play off that and make money. This may be because they feel they have nothing else to offer as you suggest and it may also be because they view their body as an asset. They are empowered by their sexual nature and appearance. Some of the enlightened few realize that lady parts are no more scared than the brain and that using the former to make money is in no way shameful or degrading. I have never put a price on my sexuality but if I had, I would not be ashamed of it and it wouldn’t make me any “less”.
If you look at the top menu bar on Corey’s site here, you will find one for counseling. Click it!
Why would I need marriage counseling? Hmm… seems like we have some here who resort to insults when they don’t have anything substantial to add to the conversation.
Okay Ladies -
It’s pretty clear that there are beliefs across the board, and it’s clear that neither side is coming to the other. I ask that all comments remain civil and respectful.
Thanks for the continued discussion, but keep in mind, that on the other end (as well as everyone else who reads SM) is another human. The idea of everything I write isn’t necessarily to espose a certain way of life or marriage, it’s to help each person/couple clearly define and live by what they believe.
What works for me and what I believe isn’t necessarily the best way to live, it’s what works for me and how I choose to live. We can all live more fully from our core beliefs AND still be connected to others who may believe differently.
Corey this is the crux of why I keep letting myself get sucked into these porn conversations. Porn doesn’t not even register on the radar of things important to me. But it deeply bothers me that so many can take acceptance of porn or even the support of it and infer all sorts of other things about that person and their life. It is just wrong. I don’t want to change anyone’s mind about porn because I am really not that invested in it. I do however wish more people could take their blinders off and acknowledge that some people can and do have healthy, happy marriages AND they watch porn. These same people are not amoral either. Having a different moral compass does not make a personal amoral.
LOL! Corey…I wondered when you would come out of the woods and say something.
Glad to hear from you. So, in your professional opinion, is there a point where something is clearly immoral and unhealthy even if someone can justify it in their own minds as moral and healthy? Where is that line? IMHO This crosses it.
There are things that can be deemed unhealthy and even immoral, but all such things (scientifically) will be based on some sort of standard or stance – which then opens everything up to question or rejection since not everyone will agree on the standard.
I realize that I’m walking the fence with this reply. My hope is present information for people to use as they create, or refine, their standard for marriage and life. Applying the standards or morals to situations in life is up to each person.
My husband was watching porn more than normal for me. He watched it at all hours. I caught him over 10 times in the other room laying down masterbating with the computer and it was at 2am or 4am or even when i left to work and came back if i forgot something. It started to upset me i am 32 yrs old and he is 43 and i am a beautiful young women thats what he tells me.
So i finally had it and said something. He had no idea how it was hurting me and how upset it was making me. I told him he was an addict and how weak minded he was. We still were having sex everynight but i felt his porn addiction had to do with his affair about a year ago. So if he wants our marriage to work we can watch together but not alone!
I’m glad you decided the study done by Zillman and Bryant but even more telling is the article titled “Pornography’s Impact on Sexual Satisfaction” (Journal of Applied Social Psychology; 1988) which found that husband’s reported loving their spouses less after long periods of looking at –and desiring– women depicted in pornography.
More recently, an article in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy (2003) titled “Romantic Partners’ Use of Pornography: Its Significance for Women” found that porn usage undermines marital relations and distresses wives.
Just my two cents.