It’s an inevitability that you and your spouse will disagree.
But what do you do when the disagreements reach monumental importance?
When each of you are so polarized with the position you’ve taken that there’s little chance either will give in to the other?
What’s happening in the relationship is a systemic process called emotional gridlock. This occurs when each partner defines a position on an issue that blocks the preferred position of the other.
When spouses are in gridlock, conflictual issues repeatedly surface. You and your spouse will argue about the same thing – and the argument transpires the same. In fact, it’s so routine, you and your spouse could switch positions and still conduct the same argument.
When gridlock occurs in your relationship, let me offer this bit of counsel … it’s a natural part of every committed relationship!
Also … gridlock does not happen from lack of communication, and more communication will not resolve it!
Gridlock will not be resolved through compromise, negotiation, and simply agreeing to disagree.
Gridlock repeatedly occurs around issues like sex, intimacy, money, kids, and in-laws (just to name a few). Each of these issues involve real-world decisions rather than discussions of feelings and opinions.
For example, you and your spouse can’t simply agree to disagree about how and when sex will occur. Regardless how many discussions about your feelings and thoughts on the subject, there will still be a high desire and a low desire partner.
Growing up and gridlock are intricately intertwined in marriage.
For the less grown up relationships, gridlock is more intense and frequent (this is also a classic part of relationships involving Nice Guys/Girls). Part of growing up in marriage requires less dependence on other-validation. It’s all too common for people to enter in to marriage with a belief that their mate will be there to help them feel better about themselves, pick them up when they’re down (emotional propping up), or meet their needs in some other way.
Whenever I depend on my mate for understanding, empathy, acceptance, and/or accommodation, I increase the likelihood of gridlock. It’s the very nature of desire differences that create the playing field of gridlock.
Allow me to explain.
I’m the high desire partner when it comes to sex in my marriage. I am neither right or wrong with my desire, and neither is my wife. We are simply at different points on the continuum. Even though my wife may understand my level of desire, be empathetic towards me and accept the differences in desire, it doesn’t resolve the issue. If my validation (self-worth) is based on my wife’s responses to my desires – I end up under her control. This is the same thing as waking up every morning and asking her how I am feeling today.
Another example is found in desire for intimacy. Again, there will be a high desire and a low desire partner. Gridlock occurs on intimacy issues because the partner who wants intimacy least controls it.
Eventually, the high desire partner won’t disclose anything the low desire partner won’t validate, especially when both are emotionally reactive. Added to this, the low desire partner won’t validate the high desire’s disclosures because the low desire partner doesn’t want to listen or disclose in kind.
So, when you find yourself in emotional gridlock with your spouse, you’re actually in the perfect spot to grow.
You can grow by discovering how to let go of an attachment to the outcome and give in your marriage – expecting nothing in return. A marker of an emotionally mature human is their ability to give with no strings attached. This is giving out of fullness rather than emptiness. Giving out of choice rather than reactivity.
To further accomplish growing up in your marriage and through gridlock, you must be willing to share yourself with your partner without their affirmation, validation, and even trust. Yes, this is a frightening thought and a risk, but it is also one of strength and self-validation.
You likely demand stability in your marriage. You want at least one important relationship to be comfortable, known, and consistent – yet, you’ll also complain when marriage gets boring and routine. When you take on the process of growing yourself up, you shouldn’t count on or expect validation, empathy or support from your mate. You’re more likely to be met with defensiveness and pressure to revert back to the way things have always been (i.e. gridlock).
Breaking free of gridlock requires taking responsibility for yourself and your own well-being. It also means discovering the ability to self-validate rather than depend on someone else’s validation for your own worth.
It’s becoming whole. Knowing who you are, who you aren’t, and sharing yourself with someone else without fear. But the beautiful thing is, as you step out there and discover your own self worth from within, your partner often will do the same. Thereby creating more of the marriage you both wanted all along.
(photo source)
Sources:
David Schnarch, Constructing the Sexual Crucible
Donald Williamson, The Intimacy Paradox
I feel like this topic should be important and I really want to grasp it, but I found this particular post very confusing and full of a lot of words I’m not sure I understand(I’m a chemist, psychology and emotions elude me sometimes, but I can pronounce all the words on the back of a shampoo bottle). I had to read it four times and re-read growing up before I decided that I *think* I understand it. Perhaps this merits a second post with more explanations and examples. I think I understand what gridlock is, I’m hazy on how it fits into growing up and I am slightly confused about “share yourself with your partner without their affirmation, validation, and even trust”. For the record I love this blog and usually understand it.
Thanks for your comment Mandee Jo.
I struggled over posting this as one post or a couple of posts. I realize this is a confusing topic so I’ll follow up with another shortly.
Per you question about “share yourself with your partner without their affirmation, validation, and even trust”- basically this means being willing to speak up about what you think and believe even when you know your partner disagrees or believes differently. I’ll expand more in the future post.
This is difficult to do when your husband won’t allow you to talk to him. Maybe I can talk to the dog and have him “overhear” what I’m saying.
(pathetic, I know)
What an interesting post Corey!
“To further accomplish growing up in your marriage and through gridlock, you must be willing to share yourself with your partner without their affirmation, validation, and even trust.”
I take it from this sentence that to you being a grown up in your marriage means you are emotionally independent and accepting. Instead of doing something with a specific reaction in mind, you are simply doing it, to do it and accept whatever reaction or lack thereof that occurs.
There’s no game playing or feedback process, you take full responsibility for your own emotional needs and health.
I think that is an incredible concept. Although, I am interested to know, what about people that are more closed off by nature, and are not externally expressive or seeking, do you consider them to be completely emotionally grown up? Is there a continuum, if so what is the marker of the perfect place in this continuum?
“If my validation (self-worth) is based on my wife’s responses to my desires – I end up under her control. This is the same thing as waking up every morning and asking her how I am feeling today.”
This is very true, I love the comparison to waking up and asking your wife how YOU are feeling today, point taken.
Thanks Corey.
This was an interesting post; I’m looking forward to a follow-up. I can identify at least one area where my wife and I may be in gridlock. We’re trying to find a happy medium, but maybe putting more of myself out there will help.
Mandee Jo and I definitely read the same post here. I have degrees in English but I had some of the exact difficulties with this post.
Nevertheless, I think it’s terrific and raises some very interesting questions and ideas.
My favourite part of this post is the assertion that “gridlock does not happen from lack of communication, and more communication will not resolve it.” What an insight! Most marriage advice circles around communication, communication, communication. Sometimes I’ve found myself doubting whether more communication really solves all problems. I think you’ve really hit on something, Corey, by pointing out that sometimes more talking isn’t going to fix the situation. That’s why I’m looking forward to future posts where you explore in more detail what exactly we can do to resolve gridlock!
Great post Corey! I love how you talk about taking responsibility for yourself. While your post centered on marriage, I find this taking responsibility for oneself, to be a problem in general relationships too. I had this conversation just today. A friend I was with was angry because I didn’t do what she wanted me to do. Did she tell me what she wanted? No. I can’t read her mind. She wasn’t too thrilled when I told her it was her responsibility to be in charge of herself and if she needed something from me, she had to tell me with words. She didn’t like my suggestion. Huh!
I too find this a little confusing and look forward to you expanding on it.
That being said, my husband walked out on us 6 months ago and is adamant he doesn’t want to be married anymore, so maybe I am just clutching at straws.
I still send him the odd post from here in the hope that he will read it and we resolve what needs to be or accept what can’t be.
Gosh, I haven’t visited your site for a while now but am blown away by the relevance of this post. Thank you.
I am the high desire partner in my marriage and this “growing up” and letting go of an attachment to the outcome concept is something that I have been putting into practice (or at least trying to) for about 6 months now after much gridlock with my spouse on the intimacy issue. It has definitely helped me to grow up in some ways; I have learned how to be more patient, how to break free from the negativity loop in my head, and learned that I can only change myself. It took me forcing myself to react opposite of the way that I normally do to make some progress. For example, normally in the past if the subject of our sex life came up and started to turn into a fight, after it was over, I would turn very cold toward my spouse. I didn’t purposely give him the silent treatment, but I would become more and more distant and constantly think negative thoughts. Now, even after we have argued (because it will still happen), I don’t pull away. I tell myself to move on and treat him like I would had the argument not happened. I cannot say that I have been perfect at doing this. It’s hard not to connect the argument to a greater meaning of our relationship overall.
The result though has been great for me personally in my path to growing up, and definitely has improved my relationship with my husband. He has noticed the improvement in the way I interact with him and is better to me in return. But I will say that while I feel that we are getting closer because of it and we are nicer to each other, the desire issue has not changed much. And I am not sure if it will or not. But I do know that I am a better person for changing my ways.
Wow, what great advice! (behave as if the argument hadn’t happened).
I have to admit that I too have some difficulty getting my head around this, but would love to have a deeper understanding, because I think there are truths here to be discovered.
I’m especially interested in how the concepts of “differentiation,” “self-validation,” and not expecting support from your mate match up with the idea that husband and wife are to be “one flesh,” the implications of which go way beyond sexual intimacy. I’ve been exploring this topic in a recent series, and reading some of the thoughts posted here have definitely given me pause to consider how being one flesh and emotional gridlock are inter-related.
Thanks for the mental challenge (and for explaining further).
I love the concept of marriage gridlocks being a valuable place for growth in a marriage. I think the examples of sex are difficult ones to navigate, because so much else is involved. But couples come to an impasse on so many issues.
Harville Hendrix (author of “Getting the love you want”) has a phrase – “conflict is growth trying to happen”. At the heart of the couples counseling he developed is the ability to help couples go underneath the gridlock to find the emotional needs underneath. That opens up tremendous opportunity for growth.
Corey, I didn’t find this concept hard to follow, but I am slightly blown away by the light bulb impact of it!! It’s going to take some time to digest it and see if I can really “live” it….
Just one question: no doubt I am definitely invested in being validated by my partner, and I find that he is very independant of the need for validation from me. I guess in light of your discussion, that makes him the more “mature” (emotionally) (for want of a better description) and yet I see him as detached and unable to connect… are these two seperate issues?
D.
“no doubt I am definitely invested in being validated by my partner, and I find that he is very independant of the need for validation from me. I guess in light of your discussion, that makes him the more “mature” (emotionally) (for want of a better description) and yet I see him as detached and unable to connect… are these two seperate issues?”
i feel the same way… good question….
Dear Corey- Your article is so dead on I am reeling. I forwarded this to my husband, with whom I have been gridlocked on several of the issues as you describe them but I’m afraid he won’t read it. I am more independent emotionally and he hates me for it (I think it makes him feel so alone and vulnerable), I crave more intimacy and he wants more sex. We have weathered some truly challenging crises (his affair, a special needs child) and both come from fairly dysfunctional parents. Anyway- I so appreciate your perspective and thoughts- I’m not at all interested in critiquing your English language use
We both are saying we want our marriage to endure but I am so exhausted by his emotional storms and needs that I fear I may be unable to sustain it and when I tell him that he is swamping my boat he takes it as a rejection…. sigh. Thanks for your blog.
This sounds like I just need to give up on the idea that my marriage will ever achieve the level of eroticism I’d like to see. I can be sexual with my wife, but I can’t control her response. History shows she won’t reciprocate, but it takes two to tango, so I don’t see how this helps me get more of the marriage I want. All I can do is let go of my attachment to outcomes(i.e. give up hope that she will ever change), right?
Corey, I think I followed that post. bit I am not so sure that growth will always follow a change which releases the gridlock. I do agree that a change in one party to a relationship will inevitably cause a change in the relationship, but it could be that the change that occurs is for the other party to say that this change is unacceptable to me and if you do not change back, then I am leaving. I know that this would be a drastic change in the relationship, but we do not always know what ‘buttons will have been pressed ‘ in our partner by a change we make in advance of making that change.