It’s safe to say that one of the major things marriage provides your life is the intimate connection you can create with your spouse.
It’s part of marriage’s elegance.
You and your spouse can create an entire part of your life that only the two of you know about.
Yet, this intimate connection is also a sources of major frustration.
One of the hurdles to creating a close intimate connection with your spouse is an unrealistic togetherness expectation.
Stated another way, this is idealized or fantasy togetherness.
As a reminder, expectations are really planned disappointments.
So what expectations did you bring into your marriage?
We all have them. Here’s a list of common ones:
1. You want a relationship with your partner that is
- just like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of weaknesses in your family of origin)
- or nothing like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of strengths in your family of origin)
2. You want your partner to make up for the damage you experienced in your family of origin either
- by providing what you did not get
- acceptance, validation, approval, security etc. OR - by accepting your extremes (clinging or distancing) without requiring you to mature
3. You want to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for your uniqueness and you expect to feel safe and cherished
- Romantic love should make everything right with the world
- If he/she truly loved me, he/she would understand my needs and wants and know what to say or do to meet my needs and wants
4. My partner wants the same things from our relationship that I want, so if I give him/her what I want, he/she will give it back to me
- A “GIVE TO GET” relationship
Answer me this: How often do you give up or rearrange yourself for the sake of connection and/or intimacy?
A far too common belief about intimacy is an expectation of partner trust and reciprocal disclosure as a requirement for deeper levels of intimacy.
It would sound something like this: “I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it is only fair. Before I go first, you have to make me feel secure because I need to be able to trust you.”
Does safety (i.e. trust) as a requirement for intimacy, foster true self-disclosure? Or does it foster self-presentation?
What’s the difference you ask?
Self disclosure is exactly what is sounds like – a revealing of yourself, be it thoughts, beliefs, ideas, reactions – in the presence of another person. But true self disclosure also involves a bit more. It involves a willingness to reveal myself to another AND take responsibility for myself in relationship with them. Tell me if this sounds like self disclosure:
I feel abandoned when you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and I’m not invited to join.
On the surface this sounds like self disclosure – but it’s not. This is more like a manipulation than a disclosure. I’ll tell you about my abandoned feelings in hopes that you’ll change so I don’t feel abandoned.
True self disclosure would go more like:
When you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and not me I feel scared because I don’t feel good enough about myself nor do I feel strong enough within myself to be alright without you. Consequently, I want to respond to my fear by controlling you and forcing you to stay and do things with me whether you want to or not, so I don’t have to deal with my fears and own inadequacies.
Is self disclosure safe within any relationship?
That’s not a guarantee beforehand. What’s revealed could be used against you. But self disclosure presents the opportunity to get to know yourself in the presence of your spouse.
Self presentation, on the other hand, is the portrayal of what you think your partner wants to encounter, or what you think the situation calls for – it’s not a revealing of yourself.
Many people state that they’re interested in intimate relationships or that they want more intimacy in their marriage – here’s a few things to know about intimacy and intimacy expectations:
- Intimacy is just as likely to be disconcerting and uncomfortable as it is to be warm and fuzzy.
- Obsession with intimacy leads to less satisfying relationships
- People who pursue only intimate relationships limit the pleasure and freedom of less demanding relationships
- Seeking understanding is often a demand for your partner to understand you the way you understand yourself
- “Accept me the way that I am”
- Asking partner for validation of your inaccurate self-portrait
- Demanding that your partner understand what you yourself haven’t figured out about you
Many times the complaint about lack of intimacy is actually the inability to tolerate the intense awareness of self and/or other.
When your partner tells you that they have no interest in travel, knowing full well that you love to travel, what happens to you? Do you feel rejected and unloved? Do you appreciate your partner’s willingness to tell you who he/she is, whether you like it or not? Do you immediately plan to give up travel . . . or get a new partner?
What about a third option – you can accept that your partner is not you, and you can both love your partner, and love to travel.
Marriage presents countless opportunities for self disclosure due to the differences between you and your mate. But a truly intimate relationship only occurs when you show up as the real you.
It’s a leap of faith, yes, but it’s the only pathway to true intimacy.
(photo source)
This is quite the quandary for me. I am with someone who is very different from me and the relationship feels more difficult than it should be because of these differences. Acceptance is one thing, but trying to mix oil and water is impossible. How do you know when you are trying to build intimacy and a life with the wrong person?
Because of our opposing perspectives on nearly everything & sometimes ‘passionate debates’ on these topics, I have just stopped revealing and have withdrawn, which has led to my being less interested in the relationship. I feel stuck and unhappy. I take leaps of faith & feel shot down. I don’t know how to trust him because of things he’s said (and I’ve said) in the past.
I fear true intimacy with this person eludes me, even though we love each other. Love isn’t enough. Compatibility seems to be the sticky sauce…Thoughts?
Lola- True intimacy has very little to do with your partner and more to do with you. It’s your willingness to let yourself be known, regardless of your partner’s reaction or response. We often temper ourselves out of fear of our partners reaction of rejection. But if I don’t let myself be known, I can not be truly known.
Lola, my default response when things are off-kilter is also to withdraw — but it sends us into a bad spiral, so I have my husband point out when I seem to be doing it so we can confront what’s going on head-on. (That’s a reversal of roles for us, since usually I am a big talker and for him it’s pulling teeth.)
This article is sooo beautifully laid out, succinct and easy to follow. I was already aware of my tendency to hold relationships up against the yardstick of my (somewhat idealized) view of my parents’ relationship, so I’m able to spot that one when it rears its head and reset my expectations.
The following, however, was a new insight for me. NOT an easy one but I do hope that I can put this new understanding to use:
“I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it is only fair. Before I go first, you have to make me feel secure because I need to be able to trust you.”
And then the biggest “aha” — “Seeking understanding is often a demand for your partner to understand you the way you understand yourself.” Here is my question: even if I now am more aware that my self-portrait is only one perspective, is it selfish to want my partner to understand THAT perspective, even if he has a different one to share?
Being able to let go of the hope for understanding and seeking more to be known is likely the better way to go. Whether or not your spouse understands you is completely up to them. All you can do is let your thoughts, beliefs, ideas, opinions, self be known.
Daisy, your default response is mine. I understand exactly where you are coming from regarding resetting expectations. But is what you want and what you get the definition of happiness in a relationship?
Corey, I pull back because I’ve been burned and it didn’t feel good. We avoid what makes us feel bad…In many ways my partner makes me feel bad. In some ways he makes me feel good, but all I see is the negative and that’s not fair.
“I tell you…” is spot on. We always see ourselves differently than the world does. I don’t think, however, it is selfish to want your partner to understand how you see yourself. It may be unrealistic and set you up for disappointment. I think the biggest thing for me is realizing that it’s the UNDERSTANDING that my partner may never get.
I no longer feel a friendship of any king especially one of true connection or intimacy because I keep it superficial. It is frightfully unsatisfying and I fear we are on the at the beginning of the end.
Intimacy can be so elusive, can’t it? I am also with someone who is difficult to engage and he finds it very difficult to truly trust and open up. So I try to relax and enjoy the ride and hope that eventually he’ll feel comfortable enough to share himself. (Yes, we’re married.) I’m not sure if it’s a just a “guy thing” with him or if he has a much more active life in his head than what he shares on the outside. Regardless, Corey, I like what you’ve shared here.
That was very insightful and I enjoyed reading it, thank you!
I found the link to this blog from Daily Generous Husband Tips. This is coming from a man’s perspective. Everything that Corey says about intimacy and sharing I see my wife struggling with me. I grew up in a famiily where my dad didn’t share his feelings or emotions and sad to say I have become that way myself. That being said, I recognize the danger of being that way because my wife is not like my mother where she just dealt with it for 40 years. I recognize the signs and want to make that part of our marriage better for her and for me.
Corey,
At some point, can you elaborate on the idea that “Obsession with intimacy leads to less satisfying relationships”? I think there’s some very interesting stuff buried in there but I can’t quite extrapolate it for myself. Would love to hear more about it from you!
Thanks