How To Get To Know Your Step Kids
“Step back, take a deep breath, and get to know each other.”
That’s what Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC suggested after I wrote about how to fight for a place in your blended family.
She hit the nail on the head.
Because in the beginning, getting to know the step kids is easy. The main focus is getting them to like you, right? Coming into my kids’ lives when they were both under age 4 meant playing and giggling was second nature. If I had a bag of candy, they liked me. It was pretty simple.
As Mr. Right and I got serious, the fun and games slowed down. Getting to know the kids meant really getting to know them. (Let me tell you, they’re not always giggling.) It meant figuring out how to be a parent, instead of just a fun friend. (Note: Some steps are the fun friend, which can be an important role and awesome in each unique situation. My family is custodial, which means the kids are with us most of the time. My role is definitely more parent than friend.)
As a wide-eyed 22 year old, getting to know “the other side” led to a lot of frustration and fear. I think a comedian said it best when he compared parenting to acting like there’s a two year old with a pistol in the other room. I was afraid to make a mistake. Suddenly, the fun and games got replaced with chaos and a really big pile of laundry.
Looking back now, I understand how poignant Shirley’s advice was, both as a stepparent a few years in or for a newbie step. Here are some ideas to help you get to know – and re-know – your step kids before the other side of parenting takes over your sanity:
- Schedule alone time. A weekend away with one of the kids will not only mean a lot to them, but gives you a chance to practice being a mom, and for them to practice you being their mom.
- Immerse them in your side of the family, too. There’s a new set of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles to get to know. Some will handle this beautifully, others will take a while to warm up. That’s ok. Don’t make an issue of it. Just gently keep the relationships plodding along. Help people remember their birthdays. Make them feel as important as the rest of the grandkids.
- Do things you don’t like doing, but they love. Pick them up from school on your next day off so they don’t have to ride the bus. Plan an all out birthday extravaganza complete with a rowdy sleepover.
- Start new family traditions. I remember how hard it was hearing about all the great stuff they “used to do” at their old house, with their old dog, during their old Christmas traditions. Don’t get caught up in that. Start some new, fun traditions they can relive in future memories.
- Don’t try too hard. Let them get to know you, too. Let them know your limits and the things you need in order to be a good step mom. If they compare you to their birth parent (which they will!) remind them there are certain things that are not your style. We’re all individuals figuring out life. They’ll appreciate it, even if they don’t understand it at first.
For me, marrying someone with kids meant motherhood was happening now, not down the road in future plans.
And I’m learning with every year that passes: Catch it while you can.
(photo source)
Melissa is a step mom, wife, editor, columnist and laundry fairy who decided to focus on amazing work this year by doing what she loves: writing. She hopes to inspire others through her blog, Peace & Projects, by sharing what makes her tick: fitness, organizing, simplifying, loving, learning and getting stuff done. She and Mr. Right are dedicated to making their blended family work for almost eight years now. So are: Little Boy, Little Girl and The Dog. Read her full bio here.12 Responses to “How To Get To Know Your Step Kids”
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[...] How To Get To Know Your Step Kids: A great guest post on getting to know step kids at Simple Marriage. [...]
Another good tip, is to still make room for alone-time with their parent. This applies to children of all ages. It’s great to bond as a new unit, but it’s also important to respect the bonds that were in place initially.
That is an EXCELLENT reminder, Davis. When the kids are acting up, chances are they need some one-on-one time with daddy. It works like a magic charm. And gives step mom a break, too. Win, win.
I think this is a HUGE problem for men. I do not know any man who has or is dating a single mother who doesn’t try to befriend the kids. From the outside it looks like the thinks the way to the mother’s heart is through her kids. From the inside, it is the knowledge that they have better access to her and can kill the relationship early.
The one thing you missed, is do not talk negatively about the person you are replacing in the child(ren)’s life.
Hi George – Negative talk, about a bio parent or anything else, doesn’t have a place in raising kids. I agree!
Melissa,
Great advice for new step-parents! We’ve had a blended family with four kids for almost 30 years. While there are still challenges in dealing with the family dynamics, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Perhaps the best advice I got early on was to not be too pushy in building a relationship with the young adults. They didn’t need another Mom, but they appreciated having someone to listen to them when they needed it.
Hi Beth – Wow, you should be giving ME advice. Your marriage is a testament of what we are all working for here. Thanks for your advice.
The best advice — make the marriage the priority. The children will (if you’ve done your job right) leave and then it’s just the two of you. Also, the children need to see a successful relationship. Hold hands, hug, laugh, go on date nights and show affection for each other FIRST! Everything and everybody else – second.
Excellent advice. The kids still need to feel valued, but it’s true – the best thing a dad can do for his kids is love his wife.
Excellent post. I have been a father for 8 years, but am a newby step-father by a few months… just last night I drafted a blog post about how parenting is hard, yet step-parenting is harder – but it’s so worth it! There are so many little nuances and adjustments that we are all navigating through, so it’s great to have a reminder from an outside source that there are good ways to develop those relationships to diminish some of the jockeying for position that we all feel.
Thanks!
Good luck with your new journey. That’s interesting you say step parenting is harder … I’m curious why (I don’t have bio kids).
Definitely I am learning to focus on myself and being the best self I can be … it ends up rubbing off in all my roles. Welcome to step parenting!
I agree with Dale. Step parenting is THE.HARDEST.THING. I’ve ever done. (and I’ve raised two girls – alone, working 2 jobs 60+ hours a week).
Step parenting is not for the faint of heart.