Editor’s Note: This is an updated version of a previous post.
If you have been married for any length of time, it is likely that there have been times when passion and adventure waned. Routine, schedules, and survival becomes the focus.
There’s a reason this happens. When you first meet and fall in love with someone, your brain is flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which produces a feeling of euphoria, as well as a high sense of belonging. PEA is also found in chocolate and even some hard core drugs.
When you fall in love with someone, your brain remains flooded with PEA for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years – which is roughly the same length of time it takes to meet, date, get engaged, and get married.
It’s no wonder that so many people wake up one day after the Honeymoon and ask themselves, “Who is this person I’m married to and where did my feelings for them go?”
Once the chemically induced high of initial “love” wears off, it can’t be reproduced. But adventure and playfulness together can come close.
As marriage progresses, things will become routine. Conversations, interactions, dates, even sex.
It is during these routine times that one or both spouses may begin to wonder what else they are missing. The eyes begin to wander. Conversation with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex may get too personal or slightly cross the line into the inappropriate.
If this lingering around the line continues, an affair is a likely next step. While this affair may not be sexual or even physical, emotional affairs can still be devastating to a marriage.
The interesting thing about affairs, it’s usually not about the “other person” or even the sex – it’s more about the adventure and the risk.
So, what if you had an affair with your spouse?
Add some risk and adventure to your relationship. Spice things up. Role play a bit. If there are two willing participants, go for it.
Feel free to take some liberty with this process in order to adapt it to your situation, and this should go without saying, but this is intended to be used with your spouse, not someone else.
The best way to start this affair is online. Send an email to your lover from a private email account. These can be created through yahoo or hotmail or many other services. Encourage your lover to create their own account as well, to be used exclusively for this relationship. Address the email to a pseudonym for your spouse. The initial email should be inviting and suggestive, but don’t move too quickly.
Part of the adventure and excitement is the wooing and enticing of your lover.
After the conversations have enticed and aroused the adventurous side of you and your spouse, an inconspicuous meeting for drinks or lunch would be arranged. This should occur during the day, either during lunch or when you can slip away from your job to meet your adventurer over coffee. The important thing is that you will meet with your lover and then return to your day. It is also important to keep a low profile with these meetings.
Even though you are doing nothing wrong, in the spirit of the adventure, try to avoid being caught.
As the tryst continues to progress, be sure to keep the emails and the casual meetings coming. This will help in blending the affair into the marriage later.
As for the rest of the process, use your imagination and creativity. Here are a few ideas in order to keep adventure part of the process.
- Never meet your lover for “affair sex” at your home. Part of the adventure is finding other places to hook up.
- Agree to not discuss this part of the relationship at home.
- Try to set up a regular schedule of “dates” with your lover.
- Do what you can to meet your lover out of town once in a while.
- Do not discuss your affair with anyone. At least until you and your spouse have incorporated the affair relationship into the marriage.
Enjoy the adventure.
However, keep in mind that you will need to blend this part of your relationship back into your marriage.
Here’s how.
First, when the affair has gone on for a while, have a discussion with your lover about their experience during this adventure and share yours. These feelings and thoughts can be incorporated into the marriage going forward. Have this discussion over dinner during a night out marking the end of the affair and the beginning of a newly designed marriage.
Second, this process most likely awakened some passion and adventure within yourself and your spouse. Find ways to keep this growing in you. Feel free to express these passions and adventurous thoughts in the marriage. This will allow for longer lasting passion.
And third, remember that you and your spouse are also lovers. Not just parents, employees/employers, housekeepers, landscapers, chauffeurs, roommates, cooks, and friends.
Marriage is the best place to be yourself, and also the riskiest.
Go on, take the risk.
You both may enjoy it!
(photo source)
Thank you for an inspiring and thought-provoking article.
Enjoyed this!! It’s hard to keep things fresh, especially after kids. Great tips.
“If there are two willing participants, go for it.” <– that's a huge if. There's no way in the world my wife would go for this although I think it's a great idea. How do you suggest we approach our spouses without insinuating that you're on the verge of an affair?
Simply approach them with the idea and then begin. Let them know to be on the lookout for “you.” I wouldn’t begin this with my spouse without first letting her know.
I loved this article and will share it with my network. I especially love the part about not talking about your at home relationship stuff while you are having your affair!
I recently wrote an article on a similar topic I’d like to share on How to Get that Spark Back.
http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/how-to-get-that-spark-back.php
Thanks for sharing!
good ideas to add spice to the relationship… great advice to try sex elsewhere not at home
You did it again, wonderful article. So many people loose the romance and forget how to date once they become married, not realizing how important it is to keep dating. Remember the same feeling you got when dating your spouse is probably the same feeling they got. If you are feeling ho hum, maybe they are to! Get busy and have an affair with your mate.
Romance is the key people that keeps things alive. Date your spouse again!
I have almost the opposite problem… my husband is GREAT about being intimate when we have “special circumstances” – going away for the weekend, roleplaying at home, exchanging risque conversation, etc. But it’s gotten to the point where it seems like me-by-myself, no roleplay or new surroundings or whatever, isn’t enticing enough, and my husband can happily go 2 to 3 weeks without any interest in sex unless there’s something, um, “different.” I guess I’d like to know if others are in a similar situation and, if so, how might I better integrate the sense of adventure – which is great – into real-life circumstances!