It’s time to face the facts, we all have some concern about what others think of us. If we didn’t, then the time we spent picking out our clothes, preparing ourselves for going out, worrying about what we drive, or where we live would not take near as long as it does. We also would not watch the TV news shows, visit the gossip sections of the Internet, or look at the magazines in order to know what other people are wearing or doing or who said what to who about what. We would not have the desire to know what other people are doing in order to emulate their life. Hollywood stars would just be other people. No paparazzi or journalists following their every move. It seems that many people are more interested in watching other people live than they are in living their own life. Spectatoring runs rampant.
At some level, we want to be noticed and liked. But when this desire goes beyond living from our core values and dreams, we live life according to others. Namely, our family and friends and coworkers determine our life for us. We spend more time doing what other people want rather than what we want.
A life lived from your deep desires is captured in the word yes. Saying yes assumes you also have the ability to say no. Saying no will claim time, money, schedule, relationships, and family. Saying no is how you can take charge of your life and live more from core values. We have already explored how no is a complete sentence, but to go even further, if you do not have the ability to say no then your yes means nothing.
A life lived from your core is one that is determined more by you than others. It is summed up in the profound statement from the game we used to play as children – hide and go seek. After the person who is “it” finishes counting they will call out, “ready or not, here I come.” When a person living life according to their values comes forward, this is easily recognizable when compared to a society of followers and yes-men.
Most of the time, when a person who is living their dreams is around, others will find them very attractive and appealing. We are impressed by people who have their life in order and are working towards what they desire. Their life looks wonderful. But another funny thing happens when you live like this. The times you are presented with an opportunity that does not fit into your plans and you say no, people who are followers are offended that you would live life on your own terms. That you would make choices based more on what you want rather than what others want from you. But this is the price of living according to core values.
As 2008 rolls on, it is my hope that you will more frequently say to those around you – ready or not, here I come!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.No related posts.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
When I think of yes men, I think of the work place. A place where many people feel a need to compromise their core values to say yes to their boss, be in the upwardly moving group of people, or to stay under the radar so to speak.
I know of people who have been told to lie to cover a mistake. I know personally of the pressure to not be completely honest in order to meet all the expectations of a job. When others are not being honest and you are, you stand out because it looks like you’re not doing as good a job. Not good. I’ve also heard of the expectation in some businesses where men were expected to go to “gentlemen’s clubs” to entertain customers. My hubby was out of town once to meet a lawyer and was asked if he wanted to go get a lap dance. (Yes, hubby declined the offer) So how does your idea of living from your core values and saying no play into it when you need to please a boss or be seen as a “team player” and no might cost you your income?
PS I have figured out how to handle my work pressure mentioned above in a way that I don’t feel is a compromise to my integrity. But what if there really was no way? Then what?
:O) Have a fully alive day! :O)
Great article! You are right, what does lying on the job to clients teach us. great food for thought!
It is a sad fact that most of us spend to much of our energy worrryng what others think of us. And yes — when we live our lives from our core others sense this and see our peace and happiness. We can’t control what others think but we can control how we respond to it. If we can surrender to that– happiness, peace and joy arises from acceptance of ourselves.
The most valuable thing in the world is the peace we have inside ourselves.
I agree about what deborah says about the most valuable thing being inner peace. For me, that comes from knowing that God is with me and is in control. Having said that, it does bring anxiety into the picture when you work in the midst of others who do not share your core values. It makes it feel that many things are a test, a confrontation, or pressure to conform. How do you maintain inner peace in a war zone?
First–I think is to realize war will always be there or somewhere else. It’s how we responde to it. Second– is to really set the intention for compassion. We not only have to be willing to set the intention for compassion but be willing to actually give the compassion as well. We may or may not have that compassion extended back to us but this is where we find our true peace. Then we need to knowledge that not all of our life situations are something that must be solved but something regardless of there postive or negative impact will give us the greatest opportunity to realize the deepest truth of our existence.
I know I struggle with thinking there is a solution if I just research enough, ask the right person,or try hard enough. To just let a situation “play out” without trying to improve my part of it or better its impact on me is not something I have really considered. Deborah, what kind of “truths” are you speaking of? Is sometimes the negative impact greater than the benefit of realizing the deepest truths of our existence? Thanks for the dialog.
Personally for me it not about “playing out”. What’s going to happen is going to happen. From my persoanl experience we can do what we can about it — but compulsive thoughts will only make matters worse. Why not let it go? Do want you can and release the rest.
We all have our own truths–The truth I speak of are of my own persoanl experiences that have made me who I am today. (postive and negative) My truth will not be your truth and vise versa. It’s when we hold no attachments to others truth that starts us on our path to enlightment.
You sound like you have studied the Dalai Lama. You ideas are very interesting. If you have a moment, expand on your thought : It’s when we hold no attachments to others truth that starts us on our path to enlightment. I’m enjoying talking to you.
AH!!! Dalai Lama – what a great guru. Yes he has help me life a more meaningful life. However, I study more of the “Yoga Sutras” which is a great path to creating enlightment. Hum – enlightment let me see. This can best be described as a state of meditation in which the ego disappears and all becomes one; a state of total bliss. Remember that each person can and will experience this in a different way.
But enjoying the ride there.
I think it will take me a lifetime to get there.
I am learning a truth at work. It is a really difficult one to swallow. I work with very left brained people who are ridged, gaurded, and “molded” into a professional “image”. I am good in my work but I don’t fit in. I don’t fit the mold. I am right brained, casual, open and honest, and a little quirky. I am probablly going to lose my job because my boss is not sure I am a “good match”. The people that I help and work with (most of them are outside of my office) love working with me and I am making a difference. I am really struggling with the fact that being myself is going to make me lose my job. I am having a difficult time with this. How do you have enlightenment in a tough time where you are not being judged fairly and being yourself will cost you your job? How do you not let this kind of thing tear down your confidence and professional worth? Why isn’t my personality acceptable? I had a very hard day. Sorry.