Photo courtesy *Zara
Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
The words “I’m sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me” are so easily said that they’ve lost their meaning. Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings? Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, “I see your lips moving, but I don’t believe what you’re saying.”
And if you were the one giving the apology, did you ever walk away thinking, “I don’t know why I bother to say I’m sorry – you don’t believe me anyway!”
Both people might think, Well, I’m glad we went through the motions, but I don’t think that that “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” changes anything.
So what’s the difference between the same old same old, “I’m sorry, I apologize, or Forgive Me” and a genuine apology? In the real deal, both the offended and the offender walk away feeling
- heard and validated,
- accountable and responsible,
- competent and confident.
In a genuine apology, the words take on new meaning as they are lived, more than spoken.
Here’s the 5 steps to the real deal, a genuine apology.
- Describe the event (WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE)
- Tell what you did and describe the action
- Acknowledge the damage done
- Tell what you wish you had done instead
- Tell what you PLAN to do differently the next time.
Yesterday when we were in the car (where), you (who) were telling me how you handled a situation at work (what) . . .
. . . and I said, in a sarcastic manner (how I acted) that I thought the way you handled the situation was stupid (what I did). I want you to know that I was rude to use such a harsh word as stupid. It was judgmental of me to think that I knew better how to handle that situation at your work. I think that speaking to you in a sarcastic manner was disrespectful and contemptuous and not the way I want to treat you.
I know that it hurt you for me to label your actions as stupid and to speak to you in a sarcastic manner. I know that my thoughtless words reflected a lack of confidence in your abilities and my sarcastic tone was unkind and necessary.
I wish that I had been more thoughtful and kind and chosen my words more carefully. I wish I had talked about the many school situations you have handled successfully.
The next time you are telling me about something that happens at work, I plan to listen better, ask more questions, and choose my words carefully. I plan to focus on my knowledge of your strengths. And I commit to you my intent to speak to you in a manner that reflects how much I care for you and about our relationship.
When you’re the offender, you hold yourself accountable for your actions by responsibly describing the event and your offensive actions, and you validate that you understand the hurt those actions caused. You then demonstrate your competence by letting your partner know that you thought about what would have worked better in that situation. And you build confidence that you mean it when you lay out a plan do what you wish you had done the next time the same thing happens.
Your partner gets to hear an objective description of the event and the offense – (WWWWH – Who, What, When, Where, and How)- validation of the hurt felt, along with your thinking about what might have worked. You inspire confidence in a different future outcome in both your partner and, just as important, in yourself by creating a plan of action.
You need to be responsible for you and your partner need to be responsible for him.
- You do not need to plead for your partner to restore your sense of self by either asking (begging) for forgiveness or to accept your apology. You are forgiving yourself by holding yourself accountable to your partner while taking full responsibility for your actions, and committing to act differently.
- Your partner does not sacrifice himself by accepting an apology that is incomplete, insincere, or without a commitment to future change (true repentance). Your partner can accept the apology, or not, or he can state what is still missing. They have the option to wait and see. They don’t have to fold because you apologized and you don’t have to wilt in exile until they accept.
The real deal respects and enhances the integrity of you and your partner. A genuine apology is heavy lifting in going deep into taking your shape – and becoming the best partner you can be, regardless of what your partner does or does not do.
Wow! That really puts a new spin on things for me. I really do walk away feeling dejected when my husband doesn’t seem to bounce back after I apologize. We forgive ourselves–that’s pretty profound and I think very important.
i completely 100% agree with Heather, what she just said. and well, in ALL of my relationships something of that same manner took place, whether it was me in the wrong or the person i was having conflicts or a conflict with at the time. thanks, very insightful. i love how you looked at it from every angle, and didnt just write about guys are wrong, or girls forgive too easily. great job!:)
I think this is good, and thankfully my mom did an excellent job of teaching us as kids about “fair fighting” and how to correctly apologize.
But…
What do you do when YOU are always the one doing the apologizing (99.9% of the time) to make things right, and your spouse very rarely apologizes for anything? How do you deal with feeling slighted, and the other person doesn’t try to make things right even after you confront them with your feelings?
I was taught to forgive and forget. My husband on the other hand is holding onto things from ages ago. I dont know how to soften him to allow the apology, and maby not let it go but at least loosten his grip.
Apologies are interesting. My friend just yesterday told her abusive hub that she forgives him when she doesn’t. She just wants the event to go away.
About a month ago, my sis was really upset at me and I didn’t believe I did anything wrong. I apologized for having upset her but what do you do when the person isn’t handling things right and trying to get you to apologize for something that was of her own making? Basically I did something and asked her to check it to make sure I did it the way she wanted. She didn’t check it and when she discovered a good time later, how I did it, she was furious with me.
I like the parts of your apology process. Most people are going to feel uncomfortable going through the steps (IMHO) because it requires describing the offence and being repentant. Too often, people want to dodge responsibility.
@Heather,
The simple idea of Simple Marriage is that relationships are a natural force that provides us with opportunity, motivation, and pressure to take our shape. It’s a lifelong process of defining a self by thoughtfully identifying the principles that you want to live your life by.
Forgiving ourselves is based on the principle of holding self accountable for our choices and actions, and taking responsibility for living up to an internal standard. At this point, we realize that we can choose to feel dejected because our partner did not give us the reaction we hoped for – or we can choose to be okay with our part, and let them work out their part.
That’s a lot easier said than done – it’s called holding onto yourself, soothing yourself, and staying connected to the most important people in your life when they are anxious, upset, or withdrawn.
@Veronica,
Thanks for the kudos – I agree that males and females don’t own certain territory in this matter. It’s important to pay attention to patterns in our relationships, because human behavior is knowable, observable, and predictable.
@Mommy Amy
Are you apologizing 99.9% of the time “to make things right†. . . or because you actually have something to apologize for? How did you come to believe that “things not being right†is 99.9% your responsibility? Are your apologies based on the principle of being responsible for self and to others, or are you operating from the position that you need to be responsible for everything and everyone?
Do you have your feelings . . . or do your feelings have you? If your life is being run by your feelings, that’s an indication that you have some work to do to define yourself. And usually the person we most need to define ourselves to . . . is us. Once we can get clear with ourselves what our operating principles are, we make room for others to step up and do the same.
@Jennifer
In my experience, most people only forget an offense when the offense doesn’t happen again, or if it does, it happens rarely, and with a lot of time lapsed, or under extreme stress.
It’s not your job to soften up your husband to allow the apology. It’s your job to know and be able to define yourself. My husband (wise man) instituted the six month rule. When I started bringing up old news in conflict, he said, “If it’s not something I’ve done in the past six months, I’ve either corrected the problem, or it doesn’t deserve our energy.†Works well for us – but I don’t think it’s a perfect fit for every situation.
@Laurie
Repeating some of what I’ve said in other replies – you have to be able to define yourself. It will be uncomfortable to state the facts if you know that your sis will disagree with your version of the event. All you can do is stick to the facts – the where, when, who, what, and the how. Staying calm and objective in the face of fury is one of the best ways to diffuse emotional reactivity.
I agree – I think this is a challenge for most of us to sign onto. It takes work to think through the WWWWH, to assess our actions, and plan ahead. It’s worth it.
I have always said (or believed) – if you are apologizing for the same thing over and over, then you are not sorry in the first place. Once you have done something and made your apology, you should reflect, learn from it, then move on. A sincere apology will not see you back in the same position over the same thing your apologized for in the first place.
I apologize to my husband and half the time I don’t know y.I just wanna keep the confusion and arguments to a short level.I rather b the bigger person even if Im not wrong cause it takes up a lot of energy.and now my apologies sound like a broken record.