How To Spot And Defeat The Four Marriage Killers
Photo courtesy Dylerpillar
Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
The goal of Simple Marriage is to present the complexities of marriage that few of us understand in a simple manner that all can apply. Some basic premises that guide our thinking are
- Human potential is shaped by human interaction.
- Relationships are a tool designed by God to refine us.
- Marriage, used properly, is a people growing machine.
In every post we’re looking for a way to shed light on the knowable, observable, predictable patterns of behavior that shape relationships – to make the covert, overt. Once you gain awareness that your behavior and your spouse’s behavior echo universal themes across millennia, it’s easier to focus your energy on changing and growing more self.
Think of relationships as embedded in nature – once you know that there are four seasons in every year and that it’s cold in winter and hot in summer, it’s easier to change your clothes than it is to change the season. In fact, it’s not possible to change the season – and it’s also not possible to change your spouse – or anyone else you know and love. It’s only possible to change yourself.
Here’s the new version of the Serenity Prayer, designed to reflect these thoughts. Instead of Serenity Prayer, I call it the Power of One. [Open a printable, color copy to post as a daily reminder]
GOD GRANT ME
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE ONE I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW -
THAT ONE IS ME.
The recent posts examining the difference between criticism and complaints are based on Dr. John Gottman’s research identifying communication styles that predict the end of a marriage relationship, which he called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. (If you’re not familiar with Biblical references, the Four Horsemen are a metaphor for conquest, war, hunger, and death associated with the end times.)
Dr. Gottman observed four destructive styles of communicating and coping that accurately predict the long-term failure of a marriage:
- Harsh startup
- Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Flooding
- Body Language
We’ll be covering harsh startup, flooding, and body language in future posts – but we start with the Four Horsemen because they are the most deadly blow to a marriage. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and contempt is the most lethal of the four. It’s the acid rain on a marriage, withering affection and destroying hope. So for a simple marriage, you simply have to get rid of these – and contempt has to go first.
The first destructive horseman in a relationship is criticism. Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt.
Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs. An effective complaint is one that
- Starts softly, with a request for help
- I need your help. - Observes an action or behavior
- When there are stacks of mail on the kitchen table and counters, - States the impact of that action or behavior
- I react badly to the clutter. - Defines the desired change in behavior
- I’d like to keep the kitchen table and counters clear. - Asks for input as to how to achieve the outcome
- What are you willing to do to help have a less cluttered kitchen and a calmer me?
The second horseman is contempt. Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse – verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage. It must be eliminated.
If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relational style, think about counseling to help you take a different shape. These two horsemen grew up in childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling or excessive demands.
The third horseman is defensiveness. It’s a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously. It’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If we are ignoring complaints, failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms which we naturally want to defend against. Remember the mantra:
Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t Withdraw.
Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. When we stonewall, we avoid the hard work of growing up, either because we are unaware of our own feelings or because we are afraid of conflict. Rather than dealing directly with the issue or with our partner, we check out by tuning out, turning away, engaging in busyness or obsessive behaviors. We simply stop relating to the most important people in our lives.
Dr. Gottman’s research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages – happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. It’s how conflict is handled that makes the difference between a disaster or master marriage.
Most couples wait for six years – SIX YEARS!!!!! - after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek counseling. Evidence continues to mount that both individual and family therapy save money by cutting health expenditures, reducing employee absenteeism and boosting productivity.
Start where you are in your relationship. Use the tools you have – blogs, books, therapists, coaches. Do what you can to take responsibility for your part by becoming the best YOU you can be.
To repeat - Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
Mary Ann is a marriage and family therapist, and a writer. She returned to college at the ripe age of 52, completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in four years, and is Cajun thru and thru. If you're not sure what that means, come by her house whenever family is around - you'll figure it out.26 Responses to “How To Spot And Defeat The Four Marriage Killers”
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[...] Four Marriage Killers-this is good stuff. I especially love the revised and improved serenity prayer. Check it out and get some courage to change the one that you can. [...]
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[...] has it been like to clearly identify yourself with the four horsemen? How much thought have you put into holding yourself accountable for your past with any of these [...]
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[...] we STARTED the year focusing on what has to STOP by looking at the impact of the Four Horsemen, harsh start up, and body language on the state of our [...]
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[...] weeks ago we took a look at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the relationship pattern identified by Dr. John Gottman as most likely to kill love and destroy a [...]
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[...] written before about the marriage killers as well as the secret to a lasting marriage, but how the mistakes we make in marriage are addressed [...]
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[...] contradictions, domineering, critical, and defensive reactivity. Turning against is the four horsemen of the apocalypse in full force – over time turning against will kill your [...]
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[...] making no progress, you both may feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, the four horsemen of the apocalypse become ever more present, and humor and affection leave the [...]
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[...] Mary Anne at Simple Marriage posted a warning about the four marriage killers [...]
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[...] written before about the marriage killers as well as the secret to a lasting marriage, but how the mistakes we make in marriage are addressed [...]
Hi Mary Ann,
This is an excellent post – both comprehensive and concise. I especially like your specific example of what an effective complaint it. I’m looking forward to the next 3 posts in the series. Stumbled!
Wow Corey. This was incredibly impressive. You have given a ton on info to chew on. These horsemen seem all too familiar. I think I tossed them hay for many years. It took me A LOT longer than 6 years to get the guidance I needed. But it was totally worth it. I am in a much, much better place. Wow, it really did make all the difference in the world to finally find someone to help me out. I am so thankful for that. My quality of life and my joy is off the chart compared to 3 years (and before) ago.
@Laurie- I must give Mary Ann credit for this post. It’s all hers.
Maybe so. I’ll bet she wrote what you were thinking. LOL! You’re real smart too!
Wow. Six years. Plenty to work on here but looking forward to the follow up posts.
@ Daphne – Thanks for comments and the stumble. I think we take a step up in maturity when we learn that there is such a thing as effective complaining and that it totally different from nagging, whining, and kvetching. Lots of relational problems grow out of myths – like happy couples don’t fight.
When complaining is embraced as an appropriate tool for dealing directly with differences, it stretches both people in a relationship toward emotional maturity. It takes work to figure out how to complain effectively – it takes effort to respond to a complaint by changing a behavior.
The end result is that complaints become a release valve that keeps us out of criticizing and contemptuousness.
The work done on both sides is a way of extending ourselves for the well being of our partner.
Mary Ann,
You are so right that without effective complaining, we end up bottling our unmet needs and unhappiness inside and this leads to criticism, contemptuousness and deep-seated resentment in the long run that is extremely hard to get rid of.
I made those mistakes in my earlier relationships. Now I’m learning to speak my mind but need to learn to do it in a less whiny and more respectful and conversational way. I’m looking forward to your next few posts!
Mary Ann: WOW is the only thing I could put on my note when I added this to del.icio.us. This is all stuff I know but have lost touch with, during the decay of my marriage. Your words definitely put a touch of perspective in my thoughts, and hopefully others, about there being 2 people in every marriage. If we are both working on ourselves and the marriage as best we are able, spectacular things can occur.
I echo the wow as I squirm in my chair knowing which one is my struggle.
Awesome post!
I definitely want to echo that it is not a bad thing to seek out coaching/counseling for your relationships. It’s showing that you really care and want it to work, we’re all imperfect and have issues.
It can be very easy to forget that common respect and kindness can take you so far in your marriage relationship. Starting this post with a reminder that you cannot change your spouse was great! The only person we can change is ourselves, if we focus on changing the other person all we’ll do is tear down the relationship because you’re putting yourself at the center of it. I’m definitely putting the Power of One prayer up on my desk so I see it daily! Thanks for the reminder and encouragement!
I can use every bit of this! Those four horsemen were the theme of a failed 10 year marrige for me, I can gladly say that with the help of knowledge like this I am happily married for 12 yrs. The important thing for me is to know that the work is never done, on myself that is! My golden nugget from this article is the simple Serenity Prayer, how powerful! Thank you.
Such a great post. Defensiveness is the one I’m most guilty of – and I’m so “nice” and “reasonable” – it often takes me hours to realize that’s what I’ve done – and sometimes my man will directly say so – and then I go to “double defensiveness” until I can hear what he said. It’s just fear. Fear of my own feelings and what will happen if I’m found to be not as “together” as I like to appear. Thanks, Sarah
@Sarah
People pleasing, conflict avoiders, – we (and that does include me) learned how to get the “good stuff” in life by being chameleons, instead of bullies. It works pretty well for a long time in life . . . until at some point we realize we’ve lost something along the way. And it turns out to be that inner voice of self, our true North, that we failed to cultivate because we spent so much energy being nice.
I’ll be tackling this toughie in weeks to come – hope you come back for the discussion.
Dr. Gottman’s study was done over a 20 year period of time. He observed the same couples over a long period of time and could predict which marriages would fail and which marriages would last. He had a 98% accuracy rate. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will destroy any relationship… and that includes relationships with children. I used this study in my parenting e-book.
My wife and I recently went to a “Couples Cafe” which discussed disagreements and identified 4 patterns that are quite similar. Reading this reminded me that I was going to write about it, so I did: http://ccjjharmon.wordpress.com/2009/02/07/marriage-disagreements/
I really appreciate this post. We’re not even a year and i see the mistakes I’m making. It’s even harder for us because we both live and work in different countries, and get to see each other for a month every 5 months. Thank you so much. Please keep these posts coming! There’s so much people like me need to learn.
So Drs. John and Julie Gottman have a weekend couples workshop 5 times a year in Seattle for couples in crisis and those seeking enrichment too. The next one is this weekend (June 27 & 28) and two others this year in Oct & Dec. My honey & I attended about three years ago and it is WONDERFUL! http://www.gottman.com (The Gottman Institute)