How To Strengthen Your Child’s Core (Identity – that is)
Do you compare yourself to others? Are you scanning people for their physical and emotional attributes and sizing yourself up at the same time? Do you do that with your spouse? Do you notice other husbands or wives and wish yours could be just a smidgen more helpful around the house? or more attentive to you? or on time?
I think we all do this to some extent and we also know it isn’t particularly constructive.
It starts with our own comfort with ourselves, doesn’t it? Our willingness to say, we are enough.
How can we give that gift to our children? How can we raise children who recognize their own inner worth who can connect with others rather than compete with them?
The back story
I grew up in a home where comparisons abounded. And they happened in two particularly unhelpful ways:
1) Comparing me to my friends: “Why can’t you be more like _______? She is always so warm and friendly to me.” Or the other version, “I bet, _____ doesn’t talk to her mother that way.” (or cleans her room or calls home when she is going to be late, etc)
2) Comparing me to my sister: “Your sister would never do that.” or “I am sure if you just tried harder you could be as artistic as your sister.” (And comparing my sister to me)
The impact
I resented my friends. (My friends!)
I did everything in my power to keep my friends away from my parents.
I acted out to prove my parents right!
My sister and I resented each other and it drove a wedge between us.
Feeling ashamed of who I was and who I wasn’t
My commitment as a parent
I want our kids to have a keen appreciation for the unique gifts they bring to the world and to value each other’s gifts. I want them to support each other’s achievements and feel like they have a safe haven in which to brag about their own.
So as you might imagine, I am hyper-conscious about making comparisons. Our two boys are very different one from the other. And I would be lying if I told you that I never wished that one could be more like the other. The danger is in voicing those wishes. I found that I eventually even stopped talking to my friends about this – even when there were no kids around. It wouldn’t have had a direct impact on the kids. But it had a subtle reinforcing impact on me that felt wrong.
Some useful strategies
I could just end this post with the admonition: Don’t compare. But it is always more useful to find positive things we CAN do. Here are some things I have tried over the years.
- Create uninterrupted one-on-one time with each child. Give them the space to be who they are; time when they are not competing (even unconsciously) with their siblings or with other kids. And give yourself the gift of really getting to know your child. (This is as true when they are 5 as when they are 15!)
- When your kids are together, make a point of (model) acknowledging each of them to the other.
- When your kids are arguing with each other, express complete trust in their ability to work it out with each other.
“Jenny those are great color choices. Jack, check these great color choices out.”
“Brianna you shared with your friends so nicely today. Joe, do you know what Brianna did?…”
“Emily, remember how hard Lizzy was studying for her math test? Guess what? She aced it!”
A special note about being fair:
Especially when kids are younger, even if you don’t make comparisons – they do.
They want to know that they are being treated fairly. Speaking as both a parent and a former school principal it is never too early to reinforce the idea that things are fair when everyone’s needs are met and not when everyone is treated the same!
So, what do you think? I’d love to hear your successes and challenges.
(photo source)
Pearl is married to her college sweetheart and together they have 2 teen-aged boys. Her boys can't believe she can actually make a living out of coaching couples and leadership teams. When she asked them, they thought she was well suited to be the laundry lady at camp. They now do their own laundry. Read her full bio here.16 Responses to “How To Strengthen Your Child’s Core (Identity – that is)”
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All kids are different. It’s not fair to compare them to everyone else in a negative way. Like you mentioned, it ends up having the opposite effect.
How are they supposed to be individuals when they are expected to act like someone else?
I couldn`t agree more! It`s so good to read what youre writing! It is so true! Thank you for sharing this with us:)
I hope it`s OK if I leave a link to this page on my blog.
@Chris- your last question is right on and yet we (people, that is) can be so inconsistent. Glad you are in my camp.
@Therese-link away I wish I understood what wrote!
Touché..
Thanks for your insight, Pearl!
Sorry, I write in norwegian.. I`ll translate:
I dream of giving my daughter (and possibly other children) a good and healthy upbringing. I dream about being able to help them to gain a healthy self-image, and a good relationship with themselves and other people. I pray to God that I as a mother take the right choices and help them to become self-confident and independent individuals. I dream of being able to teach them the difference between right and wrong, to get them to understand that the world is not always fair-but that they can be fair anyway. That to share with others does not mean that they are getting less, but it is enriching. That each one is unique and comparison is unnecessary. That they get longer with positivity and encouraging words than with negativity and gossip/talking behind others backs..
it reads like a prayer Therese..thank you for sharing it here!
My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but I wanted to share a situation with my brothers. My brothers are 6 years and 8 years younger than I am, and one brother is on my mom’s side while the other is on my dad’s side (so they’re technically my half-brothers). In spite of my never recalling a comparative statement from either side of parents, both of them felt that they had to live up to whatever standard I’d set and felt like they were being compared to me, even though it wasn’t expressed by my parents. And I’m fairly certain that neither of my parents were trying to compare them to me either. I wonder if this is not so much a totally external issue as it is also an internal issue that children will deal with independent of what parents say and do (although I can see how overt comparisons could exacerbate the situation). Just a thought from another perspective.
I’m the parent of an only, so I don’t have the sibling comparisons to worry about. But I think some of this is about focusing on what they need to be happy vs. what they need to “fit in” or be “successful.” Happy? It’s easy. They need to find their bliss, communicate with others, basically be a good people person. Success is completely different (I’m defining it by material western standards here) and I think it”s what sets us up to make all of those comparisons in the first place. We want smarter, faster, better, etc etc etc. When we could just want them to learn the skills they need to be happy.
@Katie and @Alisa- thanks for sharing your different experiences with this. I guess I keep coming back to the idea that our sense of self- our capcity to appreciate the gifts we have rather than the qualities we are missing is at the core of this. So as parents, as friends and as siblings, the greatest gift we can give each other is an appreciation of those gifts.
This was a great article, and one that I need to be reminded of. I think I do a pretty good job of NOT comparing, but I am sure in my moments when I am not too “tuned” into being intentional, I slip up! I also have three very different children and wish ones had characteristics of the others, but such is life. They do bring a unique mix to our wonderful family. I think your note about being treated fairly rather than when everyone is treated the same is a great one to keep in mind and express too! Thanks Pearl!
@Susan I like your point about the unique mix the children bring. Reminding ourselves and our kids of what we gain as a family from their unique contributions is also a great thing to do!
What do you recommend, if you have already made these mistakes? I have 17 and 12 year old, who don’t get along. My 17 year old won’t bring friends by the house. I think that I’m guilty as charged with promoting comparison in their lives. I just don’t see a way to repair the damage.
@Ken- it is so hard to watch isn’t it? I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but I would be surprised if the damage is really irreparable. God willing oyu all have long lives ahead of you and at your core you probably all long for things to be different. I have 2 teenaged boys. Some of what I would be doing is:
1) Do my best to deepen my relationship with each of my boys as individuals
2) Come clean. If you think you compared them too often, tell them.
3) Let them know about your dissapointed dreams for your family (without making them feel guilty or responsible).
4) Learn about their dreams and their dissapointments.
You can model change, and honest relationship, and trust and taking personal responsiblity. The results won’t be quick or easy but the goal is worth it.
Get in touch if you want more support. Good luck!
This is a great article. I don’t have children yet but I plan on having children one day, so I’m taking notes! I appreciate this article. My parents didn’t compare my sister and I (that I can remember). And I am thankful for that. My aunt used to compare my cousin to my sister and I. She would tell my cousin, “the girls know how to wash clothes already” or “the girls wash their own hair” and little things like that to spur her into being more independent (only child). I found this out later and we laughed because when my aunt told her about us washing clothes, we didn’t know how to wash yet! But our cousin is always doing comparisons with us in adult life: like a one-up-you type of game. Or a competition. Which we don’t participate in, but I see why she does it. Who knows what else her mom was saying. Thank you for this post.
“When your kids are arguing with each other, express complete trust in their ability to work it out with each other.”
Don’t we need to teach them how to argue constructively? Are there any good resources on that? I know that my sister tended to give in to me when we argued and those experiences have not served me well as an adult – for obvious reasons. If we “completely trust” that our kids can work it out, I think often one would come out as alpha in most situations and thus possibly expecting the world would give in to his/her ideas/opinions even as an adult.
@Kristin- I didn’t mean to imply that you never teach your kids how to have constructive conflict. I totally agree that is is a pretty important thing to both model and teach. I was more focused on the parents role when your kids are in the heat of it. You don’t want to be drawn into taking sides, and you don’t want them to keep coming to you to resolve their confilicts. Two books I would point you to are Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Ellen Mazlish.