How To Want Sex When You Don’t Feel Sexy
Does this make you hot:
Wake up at 6:30, make coffee, hurry the kids to the bus, quick kiss on the cheek, work all day, get home, make dinner, argue over 6th grade math homework, pay bills, clean up after everyone, tuck kids into bed, wash dishes, pack tomorrow’s lunch, wash face, consider plucking eyebrows, check out the size of your love handles and crawl into bed.
Sexy, huh?
Its true – day-to-day married life doesn’t leave much room for sexy, let alone sex.
Add in the fact that marrieds gain an average of 6 to 9 pounds more than single people over 5 years and you’ve got a recipe for a cushy little rut.
As marriage ferments, your sex life feels more stale than pungent. Your inner sex kitten hides behind a gut that never existed before.
Sure, we want our husbands to be happy. By now we know that means lots of, key word: lots of sex. But what about the kids? What about working?
Say it with me: What about sleep?
When sex feels like a chore, nobody wins. When sex stops being sexy, a bleak, sexless, passionless horizon looms.
So what, you say? There’s more to life than sex, sex, sex. That’s obvious (see top description). But when it comes to a happy marriage, sex is cornerstone content. Its what separates husbands from friends. So stimulate your sexy self. You owe it to your marriage and inner sex kitten. Here are some ways to coax her back to the surface.
Think about what turns you on. There’s no shame in this. What body part, what touch, what sight excites you?
Think back to a time you felt sexy. Was it before a 10-pound baby pooped on the dream of ever having a flat stomach again? Was it when you had fewer responsibilities? Pinpoint the exact memories. What can you learn from the past? What does it tell you? Is it time for a little exercise, delegation or a weekend alone, just the two of you? Relive the past in news ways.
Think about your lover. Go over a mental image of his smile, his endearing qualities, his parts, the way he smells, the way he looks at you.
Ask him to tell you why you’re sexy. What excites him about your body, your touch, your skills? Turn down the lights. Lock the bedroom door.
Recall a hot memory. Remember that one time in the Dominican Republic when you … and then I … that was fun.
Write a sex letter. Prepare this just like a love letter. Write down all the turn ons, all the memories, every place, every position. Then read it to each other out loud.
Explore your own sexuality. A therapist once remarked how surprised she was to see individuals willing to explore outside their marriage, but so few willing to explore in it. You are husband and wife. Make the most of this amazing union. Try something new. Make it sweaty, marathon, do it three ways good.
Or even just a quickie in the morning before the kids wake. That works, too.
Melissa is a step mom, wife, editor, columnist and laundry fairy who decided to focus on amazing work this year by doing what she loves: writing. She hopes to inspire others through her blog, Peace & Projects, by sharing what makes her tick: fitness, organizing, simplifying, loving, learning and getting stuff done. She and Mr. Right are dedicated to making their blended family work for almost eight years now. So are: Little Boy, Little Girl and The Dog. Read her full bio here.34 Responses to “How To Want Sex When You Don’t Feel Sexy”
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[...] How To Want Sex When You Don’t Feel Sexy: A great post on being sexual when overworked and tired. Good for the women, and for some of us guys as well. Unlocking Your Sexual Potential: Some great stuff here about power and sex – if you want to have great sex with your bride you each have to give the other power over your sexuality. [...]
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[...] FOR YOUR SANITY: Start having sex again. How To Want Sex When You Don’t Feel Sexy. [...]
Dude, even if it’s not ‘all the way’, fool around! There’s a lot of talk about couples who withhold unless there’s time to get to the finish line, but no one runs marathons -every- day. Just as so many satisfying elements go into a workout, there are dozens of ways to be sexual without penetration or orgasm and the clean up that comes afterward.
Play. Touch. Kiss. Grope. Caress. Whisper.
There’s always time for that. And once there’s enough of that, darn skippy you’ll find yourself making time for sex and feeling sexy. Just don’t feel like every sexual overture is an invitation with an immediate RSVP.
@ Newlywed – Definitely! Foreplay is a must. I like how you put that – not every sexual overture is an invitation with an immediate RSVP. Well put.
Wow, I cannot believe how much this blog post made me *not* want sex.
I think because it focuses completely on what the wife needs to do and not what *the couple* needs to do, which is reconnect. And yes, that does involve sex, but the brain is the largest sex organ, so there needs to be some stimulation there too.
My suggestion, if you’re marriage doesn’t feel sexy or you’re not having a lot of sex, the first part is to make time for each other. Yes, this does include sex, but it also includes a night out or dinner in, maybe some music, a glass of wine, candles, something to show that you two are a couple, in love and care about each other. And yes, I agree sex is needed in a marriage, but this blog post is puts all the pressure on the woman to spice it up, when really, both parties, husband and wife need to make some changes if sex, romance, connection, are missing.
This blog is called “simple marriage,” not “simple wife.”
I would have liked to have seen more couple ideas to create intimacy. I was almost sure I was going to see “Greet him at the door dressed only in an apron holding his pipe, a Harvey Wallbanger, and his favorite meal in your hands.” While I appreciate your ideas, this felt a little 1950′s housewife for my tastes. I would have love to have read something more about the couple and not making the lack of sex the wife’s issue.
Just some thoughts. I would love to see you post more about this with more couples ideas on reconnecting than just the love letter and to really ask the couple what do they each feel is missing, while men connect physically, many women connection emotionally and that is just as important in a stale marriage to revive.
@ Nicole – Thanks for your comment. I wrote it from the perspective of a wife that doesn’t *always* feel sexy, which can make wanting sex a challenge. There are lots of things a guy can do to help his wife want sex, but this post was written from the perspective of seeing my part in sex – these are the things I, myself, can work on.
Thanks for your point of view! I’m sure Corey has a lot of posts coming up that will offer plenty of couple ideas. Have a great week.
Nicole,
I can tell this article didn’t appeal to you, but it realy spoke to me.
I enjoy reading this blog very much, but I really do feel challenged by not “feeling sexy” exactly as it is described above, I have put on wieght, and semingly have forgotten what it is that turns me on, and I haven’t found a post on this site directed at my issues like this one. I will be spending some time thinking about this this evening, addmittedly I am a wife, but this is a most helpful article.
@ Katie – I’m glad you posted this comment. I hope that it helps you get back to feeling sexy.
Nicole- Thanks for adding your suggestions in your comment. You are correct that it is helpful when both parties work to connect and communicate about what’s missing, but it is also important for each person to “feel” good about themselves and sexy. Self-respect is the best aphrodisiac there is (for both males and females). Or stated another way, nothing turns on a man more than a turned on woman.
There are many female readers who struggle with their sexual desire level so this is a worthwhile issue to explore.
Thanks for joining the conversation.
@Nicole – What was the divorce rate in the 1950′s compared to today? Maybe sounding like a 1950′s manual isn’t a bad thing.
Whether a husband does a single thing to reconnect or not, what Melissa has written above will work. If the wive recognizes the need in her marriage, there’s no law against her taking the first step to bring about change. Of course, the wife could sit back and not do anything, because it’s the husband’s job to pursue her, he’s supposed to be the head of the household, he just doesn’t understand, ad infinitum. Inertia is easy, but motion is contagious.
Excellent post, sex IS so important and the intimacy and heat that sex creates is part of what defines a marriage, and makes it different and special from the other relationships in your life.
Great point made by Newlywed & Unemployed, “There’s a lot of talk about couples who withhold unless there’s time to get to the finish line, but no one runs marathons -every- day“. Passion is the key element, which doesn’t always have to mean sex.
I think a key part of how to want sex when you don’t feel sexy is, simply having sex. Often times, couples find when they have sex, they want more sex and wonder why they don’t have sex more frequently.
By having sex, it reminds you how important it is, and sometimes that’s all the motivation you need to put sex back on your list of priorities.
By having sex, it reminds you how important it is, and sometimes that’s all the motivation you need to put sex back on your list of priorities.
@ Shannon – I like that idea – just have sex. Sometimes, simple is best. Thanks for your comment!
Thanks for a great post, Melissa! For my wife and I, sex is much more than an act. Sex is the deepest form of communication, and it is a priority in our lives. It’s pleasurable for sure, but it’s also spiritual, unifying and even therapeutic. We still have our days when we choose to forgo having sex (though not necessarily being intimate), but we try not to let our tendency to be controlling get in the way.
I think the best quote I took from a marriage retreat we attended was along the lines of, “I was in a bad mood, and I wanted to just roll over and give him the cold shoulder. But I cleared my mind a bit, said a quick prayer and decided to roll the other way and kiss him passionately. There are no guarantees in life, and who knew if this would be my last night with my husband? I didn’t want to miss out on that *opportunity* to express my love for him.”
Thanks Dustin. I do think sex becomes better when both parties take an active part in it. Rather than waiting to get what we want from the other side, there are things we can do to make sex really great.
Just checked back and I loved Dustin’s description of sex, “it’s spiritual, unifying and even therapeutic”.
That’s exactly what I was trying to get at.
I rather enjoyed this post. I have one bit of advice for feeling sexy *with* an ‘imperfect’ body. One thing that really helped me feel sexy was very sexy underwear and good lighting. I dimmed the lights, put on fantastic underwear and thought ‘my husband is kind of lucky!’
It helps not just to buy fancy teddies, but instead gorgeous bras and underwear. I get a little confidence boost whenever I wear them.
@ Rosie – This is very true! No woman feels sexy with frayed undies and stretched out bras. Good point.
This was a good post. While I agree that both partners need to get into the romance, in OUR relationship, I’m the one who has trouble feeling sexy and getting in the mood. As my husband says, “I could be in a *coma* and be ready to go,” but I’m often not feeling sexy even when I want to.
Interestingly, I’m also the one who feels like if we start something, I want to finish it- just messing around and not having sex often feels like a big tease. I’m working on that, though, because it’s important for me not to reject my husband just because I don’t feel like going “all the way”. He needs to know I want to be close to him all the time.
I’ll refer back to this post, I’m sure, in the next month- we’re on day 5 of our “make love every day for 30 days” challenge, and I might need the help when I just don’t feel as sexy as my husband thinks I am.
@ Mrs. Embers – LOL about your husband’s description. Mr. Right has said something along the same lines. Wow, 30 days straight, that’s awesome. I hope my ideas help.
I am totally with Rosie – lets hear it for a six dollar thong and really good (loooow) lighting! Sexy is a state of mind. Throw away those “nobody’s- getting- lucky- tonight” pajamas! Fun post – nice job, Melissa.
@ Gina – I think I have a few pairs of those pj’s in my closet. Yikes! Thanks for your comment. Sexy is a state of mind – love it!
Melissa, I really appreciated this post because sometimes when my husband wants it, Im either too busy thinking about the pillow and how I just want to sleep or that I haven’t shaved in three days or that my tummy looks a little bigger because I’ve overeaten the last three days and haven’t overcompensated at the gym. And when you get overwhelmed by your faults or what you’re feeling its very hard to turn on the charm and really enjoy sex. Which is why I appreciate the proactive suggetions to improve our attitudes when we aren’t feeling it.
@ Carolina – Shaving is SUCH a pain, right? But I definitely don’t feel sexy with hairy legs. Wish I did, but that’s just not me. Thanks a lot for your comment.
What I liked about this post was that feeling sexy is my responsibility not my hubs. If I don’t feel sexy I need to do something about it and not expect him to fix the problem and make me feel sexy.
I have a couple of very nice nighties. If I want to feel sexier, I can put one of them on, I light can candles, I can put on great music, I can be playful. I can choose sexy things and behaviors. I don’t expect my hub to have to go to work and try to make me feel sexy.
I liked that you suggested the wife ask her hub to tell her why she is sexy. I believe that a lot of women wouldn’t ask that but expect their hub to read her mind. Hubs won’t know what you would like unless you tell them.
Like Corey said, there nothing that turns a guy on more than a turned on woman. Thanks for the post on taking responsibility for ourselves and our own sexy kitten.
@ Laurie – Right on – there’s nothing wrong with taking control of your own sexiness. I have to admit that today, I’m not feeling too hot, but reading these comments is reminding me to get my sexy back. Have a great night!
Lots of great comments on this post.
I’m blessed to have a husband who tells me several times a day how beautiful and sexy I am. Admittedly, there are times when i SO don’t feel that way about myself; a mindset that definitely doesn’t help me ‘get in the mood’ as it were. I once heard of a woman who shared this about how she’s get’s to feeling sexy and in the mood to make love with her husband and I thought it made good sense and, I can attest, it works (for me anyway). She gets out of the sweats or unflattering pj’s and puts on something a bit more appealing. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a thong, teddy or some such. A tank top and panties, a pajama shirt (minus the bottoms) or one of your husbands work shirts. Brush your teeth and your hair. Put on a little lipstick or gloss and a spritz of your favorite (or his) perfume. If you have a candle in your bathroom, light it while you’re getting ready. Have music? Put on something appropriate – think silky soul
All of this helps a lot. Don’t forget climbing into bed naked – he’d probably love that and the sheets will feel wonderful against your bare skin.
That being said and being involved in marriage ministry, the topic of sex comes up a lot. We tell couples two things: sex and intercourse are two different things; and making love doesn’t necessarily equal intercourse. A couple may not be able to engage in sex with each other throughout the day, but they can certainly make love via phone calls, text messages, kisses, touches, hugs, sharing a glass of wine and drinking from the same spot on the glass, taking a shower together (a personal favorite and something my husband and I do at least twice a week and that rarely turns into something sexual. it’s just a way to be close, touch and hug).
At the end of the day,Gina is SO right….sexy is a state of mind, for both the husband an the wife. And remember, a wife may be too tired to ‘go all the way’ but not too tired to be touched and loved on by her husband without the expectation of intercourse
Guys, pursue your beautiful bride every day in a way that let’s her know you desire her and the sexiness will follow.
@ Annalea – I love the message to the guys – want your wife, pursue her, make her your prize. Taking a shower is awesome and you’re right, rarely turns sexual. That would be an interesting test for a month. Simply take a shower together each morning. Thanks for the great tip.
Great post along with so many great comments already that I don’t think I have a whole lot to add. It’s so true that our mindset is the single biggest obstacle to great sex. If we really understood the great potential our brains have as a sex organ I think we’d all do more to use them as one. Sexy is 90% attitude and 10% attributes. Thanks for all the great suggestions for getting the 90% right. And I completely agree with embellishing the other 10% with something lacey or silky.
@ Scott – Thanks for your support. The replies have been amazing here.
That is so true, just the first article sounds like it is taken out of my life just like that. The hardest thing is to reserve some time just for you and your partner to get back into the feeling of what it was like before the madness of a young family with children. Everybody needs to try and be a little bit more ego. Regards, Stefan
hi how can i feel sexual?i not marride?i dont do sex bifor. i want sex but i dont no how do sex?
i dont no how do sex?
I want sex? but i dont have any girl?
but i dont have any girl?