2 Comments

1. Ritz Lover
   

   You aught to see my uncle’s house. You cannot see a surface, table or counter for all the crystal and silver pieces on it. He had some money but blew it on trinkets that don’t mean anything. All purchased to make him feel something. Happiness I think. But I am probably no different. My void filler is just not crystal and silver. It’s books, and music, and computers, and pottery and friends, and depression, and fantasy. It’s all good. Not. But it feels good temporarily, well not the depression. That doesn’t ever feel good. It just is.

   Times have changed with the whole job thing. It used to be that you could work for the same company for your entire careerer. My dad did it. Today with the way companies lay people off, you can’t invest too much emotion into you specific place of work. The chances are you will eventually be “downsized”. But it would be nice to find some sense of fulfillment with your job. If you don’t feel like you have made some kind of difference either for yourself or someone else, then why do it. Do something else.

   So happiness is a decision. Hummm. I believe some would disagree. Some would say it has everything to do with your situation. I doubt the abused child is deciding to be very happy. I don’t think it is all a decision or all situation. You hear about people such as Paul, in the Bible, sitting in prison with a good outlook. I believe being happy stems from somewhere in between decision and situation.

   The last several years I was not happy. In fact I was totally miserable. My family was in too much turmoil for me to consider being happy. It wasn’t even on the radar screen. Surviving the next crises was all that mattered. I tried to fill that empty void inside me with things and people that didn’t fill it and in some cases hurt me. Now that things are calm, I find I am lost. My main focus for so long is now gone, so where do I go from here? I want something on a Ritz. You know, “What do you want when you don’t know what you’re hungry for? You want something on a Ritz.” Well, I want something on a Ritz. Like when you’re in Sunday school and the right answer is always “Jesus”, in this category of questions, the answer is always, “You have to find it in yourself.” I’ve been looking inside. I’m still looking inside.

   If you are right and happiness can be learned………….please…………..teach me.

   September 2, 2007 at 7:40 pm | Permalink
2. Ritz Lover
   

   What goes on the Ritz, what goes on the Ritz? I keep wondering what goes on the Ritz. I am considering that happiness is a decision. Could be a decision. Might be a decision. It would be so much easier if I could get happiness from rubbing Aladdin’s magic lamp but then I probably couldn’t afford that. The whole supply and demand thing would come into play. So maybe I could “decide” what goes on my own Ritz or maybe what is in my Ritz?

   It seemed that I was less responsible for me when being happy was outside of my control. Why does everything about me have to be up to me? That’s so much work, the most of which would be the work of looking into my mirror and examining what I see. Maybe instead of looking into a mirror I need to look at my x-ray. Maybe I need to look deep inside. What’s in there? Guts and slime and gooey stuff made to keep everything working. But what else is in there? A heart. A yearning, searching, heart wanting a breath of fresh air. I think looking at my heart will help me with the Ritz problem.

   I keep thinking of that verse:
   For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

   While this refers to Jesus’ instructions to his disciples, I feel it talking to me. What thoughts does it bring to my mind? It makes me think that I have shackled myself to things, or people, in hopes of them making me happy. In doing this I have lost my life. I am addicted and out of control. In order to have the life I was meant to have, I have to lose the old life of addiction. Then can I be free to be happy. But unlocking the shackles is a painful choice. Yes, I said it, a choice. But withdrawal is no fun. In this way, choosing to be happy, means choosing a period of pain as I readjust my mindset (oh there’s that word again, darn it!).

   These things and people that I tied myself to became hindering. They became controlling. They lost their ability to make me happy and became an anchor keeping me stuck. They were messing up the good things in my life. How could I be choosing these addictions in exchange for my soul? They were squeezing the life out of me.

   Ok, ok, ok. I will put my money on the table and buy into the idea that happiness is a “choice”. I choose happiness. I know that making this choice will require effort on my part, some of which won’t be fun but after all, who said happiness had to be fun? (That was a joke.) I do know that getting there is not always fun. Shedding the old life and the old ways can leave you raw and bleeding. It’s like when doctors and nurses scrape the skin of burn victims to peal away the damaged skin so that new healthy skin will develop. I’m sure that shedding and scraping away old ways and mindsets can be very painful, but hopefully, the healthier you that develops will be worth it. I have my scraper in hand and am ready to start……

   Now, where is that box of crackers?

   September 3, 2007 at 4:12 pm | Permalink