In Defense of Pretty OK
Editor’s Note: This post is written by Kathleen Quiring of Project M. Today we’re doing a post exchange based on a rant she went on a couple of weeks ago. This is her response to something I wrote. To read my response to what she wrote, go here – A Manifesto for Pretty Okay Sucks.
In my niche of the blogosphere, where we talk about life and relationships and marriage in particular, there’s a lot of attention devoted to “how to be more awesome.” A lot of blogs offer advice on how to get along better and resolve conflict and have better sex and take it to the next level.
On a daily basis, I’m being instructed on how to improve my marriage and myself: how to become bigger, better, more productive, more successful, et cetera. I’m being encouraged to strive for an awesome marriage, a fantastic marriage, a superb, splendid, excellent, wildly successful marriage.
I sometimes find myself a little paralyzed by all the awesomeness to be achieved.
I know what these folks are trying to do: they are trying to encourage us to pause and think seriously about our relationships, and to get out of any ruts we may have fallen into which may be impeding our ability to “live life to its fullest.”
But sometimes, for some of us, “life to its fullest” would mean a little less pressure to be so friggin’ awesome.
I sometimes wonder if, for every person out there who needs to be told they can and should strive for better, another person out there needs to be told to stop striving so hard. For every person out there who needs a swift kick in the butt to get them moving in the right direction, another person is kicking herself into exhaustion. She needs to be told to chillax.
This other person, I think, sometimes needs to be told that it’s OK to just be OK. That person needs to be told that she should take a vacation, or at the very least take a long, hot bath, take a nap, and then stop trying to hard, because she’s going to try herself into a coma.
For some of us, all this talk of “improving ourselves,” “achieving more,” and “getting more out of life” can be crippling. All we can think about is how inadequate we feel and how far from perfection we are.
See, some of us have trouble distinguishing “excellent” or “extraordinary” from “perfect.” For some of us, when people say, “You can do better,” all we hear is, “You’re not good enough.” For some of us, when people say “A good marriage is the enemy of a great marriage,” all we hear is “You are falling short. You and your marriage are so far from great that you should consider throwing yourself into a lake of angry stingrays and ending this ridiculous sham of a life before you spread your infectious mediocrity to the rest of us who still have a chance.”
Some of us wake up every morning pinned down to the bed with the weight of our own sense of inadequacy, and the last thing we need to hear is that we ought to be striving for better. We have a hard time focusing on the possibility of improvement because we’re unable to get past our sense of not being enough.
For those of you who are like this, I have this to say:
You are doing fine. Sometimes an OK marriage is good enough. You don’t have to be a marriage superstar. Today, you’re allowed to be just “pretty OK.”
There are no Awesomeness Police waiting for you at the end of the day to tackle you to the ground if you don’t achieve All-Around-Awesomeness in every department of your life. At the end of your earthly life, I highly doubt God is going to look over your Life Resume and criticize you for failing to be stupendous, extraordinary, super-fantastic in all you did.
You don’t have to be awesome all the time.
Some mornings, you’re going to have to be ready to settle for “just OK.” Otherwise you won’t be able to get out of bed and live your life. You’re not being lazy or good-for-nothing; you’re just being realistic. Sometimes, I think it’s OK if you just strive for satisfactory.
Then, after a certain number of mornings like this, maybe you’ll be able to start thinking about extraordinary. Eventually. But you don’t have to today.
I want you to know that sometimes in life, all you’re going to be able to achieve is “decent,” and that’s pretty darn OK.
Personally, I don’t want to have to be extraordinary. I want to know that the universe won’t implode if I end up with just a “pretty OK” marriage.
Maybe you feel like this too.
If so, I want to give you permission to just strive for satisfactory. Just be OK. I tried this a few weeks ago and I think I’m on my way to being all right!
Photo courtesy Adam Pniak
This post was written by a guest author on Simple Marriage. If you enjoyed their work, please leave a comment and check out their site. Also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.20 Responses to “In Defense of Pretty OK”
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Great post, Kathleen! That’s really just what I needed to hear right now. I agree with Corey’s response too, but it IS so easy to get caught up in thoughts of having to achieve awesomeness in everything – which can really lead to a downward spiral of feeling like a failure.
This post is just what I needed. Thank you!
It’s interesting to see this dialog play out between the two “marriage blogs” that I follow.
Sometimes life comes at me too fast, and I get over-whelmed. When that happens, I am glad to know that I have a pretty-okay spouse who stands at my side. We’re ok to batten down the hatches and just keep chugging along. Then, when we get things under control, we continue working on our marriage. We strive to improve ourselves and our relationship, but not all the time.
Sometimes you do need to just sit back and take a breather (and it’s so much better when you have a pretty-okay hand to hold for comfort in those times).
It really is hard being so awesome all the time like myself…… cough…
Honestly, I like to strive for greatness but accept mediocrity once in a while!
I love this guest post swap by two of my favorite fellow marriage bloggers! You guys have both written wonderful posts in “defense” of your positions, and I think it’s fantastic.
By the way, Kathleen’s initial rant also impacted me enough to give some thought to just what it means to have an Extraordinary Marriage…and I wrote a post to ask my readers what they think. The responses have been great, and I’m sticking to my belief that I do, in fact, want to be proactive in my marriage and do what I can to make it extraordinary.
Personally, I feel that settling for the” crappiness” that I see in a lot of “normal” marriages is not what I want for myself, my wife or our family. When it comes to the most important relationship in your life, I *personally* feel like normal mostly sucks.
Based on how the inner dynamics of a marriage vary from time to time based on life events, such as births, illness, deaths, financial setbacks, catastrophies and triumphs, it is not realistic to expect that we can always have an awesome marriage.
Kathleen’s “permission to strive for satisfactory” may help someone cope during the rough spots of a marriage, instead of them giving up altogether. Good enough may be the best that can be expected once in a while. After some time to recover from changes, hopefully the marriage will improve.
I agree.
…and I’m one of those “be more awesome” people you’re talking about!
The secret behind our “52 Weeks to Awesome” course is that you are already awesome, you are perfect just as you are. We spill the beans in Week 2, and I always expect people to ask for their money back, but for some reason they never do. (:
Maybe this post explains why. Well said, Kathleen.
I agree completely! I think part of it is being a women. Our idea of perfect and constant improvement is a little different then men, I think. Also, when I try to be perfect, I FAIL. But when I just try a little bit, do a what seems possible, I end up getting so much closer to perfect then I thought I could.
Also, I am ok with being Pretty Ok and happy. It sure beat less-than-Awesome and self-loathing. Been there, done that.
Thanks so much for understanding, Beth and Dolli-Mama!
Interesting…I read something about spouses in the best marriages only being connected about one-third of the time. Batting .333. At first that seemed low to me. But if you’re consistently batting .333, that’s not too shabby. Actually, you might end up as a hall of famer!
A Hall of Fame marriage!!!
You may have just created a new description.
Thanks MJ.
What an awesome post – and very cool that you guys swapped posts for today.
As much as I want to strive for a Stupendous Marriage (my catch phrase of choice), I know that there are seasons for everything. There are going to be times when our marriage is rocking – and times when it is not. I want the rocking times to happen more often…and be satisfied when they are just ok.
I like what turnitupmom said above – .333 batters can be hall of famers!!! I can keep trying to hit it out of the park, even though I know I am going to strike out alot!!
First time commenting, thanks for swapping posts. The debate style really helps to bring new insights to generalizations and abstractions, thanks! The struggle I have with all the “be awesome” or “accept ok” talk is that often times those discussions are framed in very linear ways, and humans do not growth in neat, linear ways. We stumble, we struggle, we re-pattern, we triumph but rarely in that order. I think the balancing point between striving for better and accepting satisfactory is keeping perspective on what your current stage “means” as Corey said.
“We stumble, we struggle, we re-pattern, we triumph but rarely in that order.”
Great sentence about this process. Thanks.
as someone contemplating marriage, and cognizant of a high rate of divorce among my peers, i’m glad to find out there’s a portion of the blogosphere devoted to this topic. thank you!
What fun posts to read! Thanks for letting me know that ‘pretty ok’ is ok. It is a relief to step away from the concept that my marriage is below par. I have been married for 10 years and there are times when it is absolutely abysmal. Then there are the times that are phenomenal. I figure it all averages down to pretty ok. I will always strive for better, but will stop beating myself up for not meeting some hypothetical bar.
Thanks again!
As a marriage therapist for many years, I would concur with “pretty ok” being part of a long and successful marriage. There is an ebb and flow of levels of happiness in any relationship. For a little inspiration and motivation, however, to keep in mind how to make your marriage the best it can be, have at hand “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 pick) — find at borders, amazon, etc. — come by and visit @ http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
I also think you have to look at this from everyone’s perspective…..Corey, didn’t you hit a rough spot when you were in the ministry? Before that, things weren’t AWESOME in your marriage like they are now.
It is true that going through the rough times together often sets the stage for something better (or great). Back before the rough spots in my marriage, I wouldn’t have even been thinking about ok, pretty ok, or great – I had no idea what marriage could become, chalk it up to being young and dumb.