There’s a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse when it comes to sex – and there’s one of each in every marriage.
There’s also a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on virtually every issue and decision in marriage. One of you wants to do something the other doesn’t, or wants to less than you. And even if you both want the same thing, one of you will want it more than the other.
Plus, no one is the low desire, or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.
The most common reaction to desire differences is to believe there’s something wrong … either with yourself, your spouse, the relationship, or all the above.
Keep this in mind, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.
Second, if there’s nothing going wrong, it’s more likely you can turn things around and make them more to your liking.
Fact is, desire differences are going to happen – and the positions you take (low or high) are simply points on a continuum.
There will be a high desire spouse and there will be a low desire spouse.
While neither the high or low desire position is right or wrong, one thing will be true … the low desire spouse controls sex. And this is true whether the low desire spouse wants to, or likes it, or not.
Here’s how this works:
- The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex.
- The low desire spouse decides which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to.
- Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex – whether he or she wants it or not.
The key is – how you experience this, and handle this, will say a lot about you regardless whether you’re the high or the low desire spouse.
So what do you do with this?
Let’s explore this in a slightly different way:
How does sex happen in your marriage?
Who initiates? And don’t say both of you. One of you does the bulk of initiating.
How do you initiate sex?
It’s logical that the high desire spouse will carry a majority of the initiation burden. After all, they’re the high desire spouse.
Understanding how sex is initiated between you will open the doors to a better sex life.
Here’s how:
Assume you are the high desire spouse and you handle the bulk of the initiations. One complaint you may have is you wish your spouse would initiate more often. Of course, this is assuming you’re married to someone who enjoys sex with you. You may be a sorry lover, if so, that’s a different issue.
So assuming they’re into the idea of sex with you:
What if your spouse actually is initiating more than you think?
What if you’re missing their signals because you’re looking for how you go about initiating sex or how you think they should initiate?
Let’s say what you really want is for your wife to take you by the hand and lead you to the bedroom, stripping you along the way.
BUT, what if your wife is completely interested in having sex and the way she signals you is by obviously leaning over if front of you while wearing something low cut? Or she brushes by you as you pass in the hall?
Both are initiations – right?
And when you think about it, both are pretty clear signals.
Another thing to keep in mind is in every sexual encounter together, someone has to take the lead. Granted, the lead can be fought for or passed back and forth, but someone has to lead.
So what if your spouse is actually initiating sex more than you notice, but their initiations are more about getting the process rolling rather than throwing you down when you walk in the door?
It could be that they are bringing up the idea (a lot more than you notice), then handing the reins over to you to lead the rest of the way.
Does this thought change anything?
Try letting go of your preconceived ideas of initiation and see if in fact they’re already communicating an interest. If so, you’re well on your way to more sex.
“what if your wife is completely interested in having sex and the way she signals you is by obviously leaning over if front of you while wearing something low cut? Or she brushes by you as you pass in the hall? Both are initiations – right?”
We have women at work that lean over in low cut tops or brush past us in the hallway. The only thing they’re initiating is a trip to the HR department for sexual harassment charges.
Even with our spouses, after years upon years of indoctrination along the lines of “sometimes women just want to cuddle, and they hate the assumption that physical contact should always lead to sex”, men are going to second guess anything less than a strip tease (I’m exaggerating, but not by much).
Men aren’t mind readers, no matter how much women think they should be.
Sorry ladies, if you truly want to initiate, you have to be blatantly overt.
My wife is definitely the low desire one, but the constant rejection and being treated like some sort of pervert has worn me out. So I just wait until she initiates, and then hope that I don’t make a mistake and turn her off again. This sex once every two or three months and no outlet for my desire is driving me nuts…no one seems to have any solution or suggestion about what to do. She says she cares, but only wants what she wants (deep emotional connection) and refuses to just “lie there” to satisfy my “physical urges”.
I agree with Tom, we (as men) have been conditioned that responding to anything short of a blatant overture is seen as animalistic rutting, and not emotionally connected or love based.
Jim
I feel for you Mr Cellophane – it must be utterly lonely and frustrating to be in your situation, and acutely painful to be constantly rejected by your partner.
I would add, (and I am a woman) I think animalistic rutting can also be emotionally connected and love-based (and wonderful).
My husband says I NEVER initiate sex. EVER. HA! he is ignoring or just not seeing my little come hither looks and some of the things the article talks about. And dang it, it’s NOT ALL ABOUT ORAL SEX FOR GOODNESS SAKES.
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I have always been the one in our marriage with a lower desire although until recently it hasn’t been an issue. I have tried over the past few years to be intentional about offering because I didn’t want my husband to have to offer, wonder if it was ok, etc. It was a good system for us because I tried to make sure I offered frequently enough for him but it also allowed me to decide when the timing was better for me and make sure I had myself in the mood.
I’m the high desire, but like Mr. Cellophane, the pain and frustration of rejection led me to stop initiating (years ago). I just wait for my husband to show interest. I don’t think that is such a rare reaction to the situation. Obviously, I am protecting myself from rejection, but I am also trying to be considerate of his drive, exhaustion levels, etc. Sometimes I do drop some hints early in the day to suggest that I might be interested tonight if he is – I don’t know if that is fair, but I feel like it gives him time to consider and if nothing happens the rejection doesn’t feel quite so direct
There has got to be some biological reason for all of this. It really is the lack of interest that gets to me. The “why did you even want to marry me if you had no physical attraction” question. The “why don’t you like me” rejection. So many spouses seem perfectly happy to their partners just floundering in what would be normal, supportive, non-abusive relationships. It is not simply that they don’t know. It’s got to just be they never were attracted in the first place and made the mistake of not rocking the boat and getting married rather than acknowledging the lack of feelings for their partner. Maybe that’s the lesson – don’t have a relationship with somebody you don’t have physical feelings for.
After my wife left after a five year marriage one of the reasons she gave for doing so was the frequency we had sex (which by then had dropped to maybe twice a month, on average). I was incredulous. In the last couple of years I was feeling like she was unhappy and withdrawing so I wasn’t going to push it and only make things worse if my gentle caresses and ear nibbles got no response.
What she really wanted, I believe, was for my initiations to begin hours earlier — by looking her in the eyes when we met after a shitty day and tell her I loved her and everything would be alright. To initiate by calling her at work once in a while, even though she gives the impression she doesn’t have a minute to spare, to tell her I loved her. To drop off a rose every one in a while. Or to light a candle at dinner.
Sure, those weren’t the only reasons for the marriage failing, but they might have led to keeping our sex frequent and happier, where we could have figured out how to work through the other issues.
Unfortunately, we never communicated these things to each other until it was long too late.
For us it is a cold question with an equally frank yes or no response. Drives me crazy