Intimacy: A Deeper Discussion
Photo courtesy ms. Tea
Lately we’ve been on a journey exploring the topic of intimacy. Starting with a discussion of intimacy vs. sex, which are often interchanged but in fact have very different meanings. Next there was a discussion of intimacy vs. connection.
Now let’s dive even deeper into the meanings we place on intimacy.
Is intimacy natural?
How do you know if you’re ready for intimacy?
Is there is downside to intimacy?
Could intimacy be a threat to a relationship?
What’s your tolerance level for intimacy?
What does integrity have to do with intimacy?
How much intimacy is enough?
Is there such a thing a too much intimacy?
Can one person have an intimate experience if his/her partner does not have the same experience?
Don’t feel like you need to answer each of these questions right away. Take your time. Search out your thoughts and reactions to each question.
Feel free to share a few of your reactions in the comments, but don’t think you must share them all.
Keep exploring!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.3 Responses to “Intimacy: A Deeper Discussion”
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Is the desire for intimacy natural? I believe it is. I believe it stems from God wanting intimacy with us. Since we are created in his image, I believe we yearn for it as well.
What does integrity have to do with intimacy? The integrity issue comes in to play with the trust and vulnerability. Is the partner keeping what is shared between the couple? Is what is shared ever used in a defensive manner? Will one person take advantage of the other knowing them intimately? I believe that is where integrity comes into play.
Some people have more of a tolerance for intimacy than others. I think it is probably because of their personality or their environment growing up. Was sharing thoughts and beliefs safe when you were young? (Metaphorical you) Was information used to hurt or embarrass you? Were you given intimate information that you were not old enough to process in a healthy way? Did your parents let you into their private life when they should not have? These things may lower a person’s tolerance to intimacy.
If a person can tolerate it, I don’t believe you can get enough intimacy. I believe God puts it in our hearts to search for him by having us yearn for more intimacy. I am told he is the only one who can fill that place in your heart. I just don’t know how that is done.
My question is, how do we develop more intimacy as a couple so that both people are fulfilled and don’t seek it in other places.
I’m going to answer these questions one at a time.
Is intimacy natural?
Yes and no. Human beings a predisposed social animals which does explain the need for company and connection with a fellow being, babies and children for instance need that bond with mother to survive and develop. However, there are a lot of people who can get away without being emotionally intimate. Human beings are more natural at physical intimacy rather than socially and culturally evolved need for emotional attachment.
How do you know if you’re ready for intimacy?
How do you know you’re ready to open up to someone? Only you know. Only you define the parameters in which you can begin to trust someone. Some people are more easily trusting than others regarding matters of the heart. Some people have impossibly high standards that need to be fulfilled before they let someone in. So there is no time when you’re ready. There is just a criteria that needs to be fulfilled.
Is there is downside to intimacy?
It’s the same as asking “How bad could be if I were to trust someone with essence of what defines me?” A lot of things can go wrong when someone betrays the trust of your emotional self. You might not ever be the same again. I was never the same again.
Could intimacy be a threat to a relationship?
Depends on what kind of a relationship. Personally because intimacy revolves so much around trust, it raises the bar of what you can do relationship. It affects who both of you are as people for better or for worse. So threat? I can’t see how. I can see how being intimate with another person despite being in a relationship can be a threat, but that has never affected me. When you trust yourself to know what lines shouldn’t be crossed, so to will your partner trust you to do the right things. Intimacy itself is its strength in a relationship.
What’s your tolerance level for intimacy?
Personally, as a guy, I can go all the way given the right person for the right reasons. I like having people share their thoughts and feelings with me and I like to share my own thoughts and feelings too. I love the connection that forms as a result of that sharing. It’s a feeling you get in that moment where nothing else matters in the world but you and the person you’re sharing an intimate moment with whether emotional or physical.
What does integrity have to do with intimacy?
A lot of things. Intimacy is about trust and part of trust is about a person’s integrity. You can’t trust someone whom you know has a shaky foundation and you can’t be intimate with someone you can’t trust.
How much intimacy is enough?
Depends on the person. I personally I crave emotional intimacy with people, but not as much as physical intimacy. But intimacy is an ongoing process, even if you feel it isn’t enough, it’s something that’s built with time and trust and patience. There might never be enough, but there is always the road there and that’s just as important as the feeling of intimacy itself.
Is there such a thing a too much intimacy?
Yes. Since we define the boundaries of how much we’re willing to give and how much we’re willing to accept. Some people may not enjoy the level of connection other people may give. While I’m comfortable with any level of emotional intimacy, I still am uncomfortable with physical intimacy with people I’m not emotionally connected enough. My partner is uncomfortable with all levels of emotional and physical intimacy with people in general. It freaks her out, which was why I had to go real slow with her. There can be too much too soon.
Can one person have an intimate experience if his/her partner does not have the same experience?
Yes, you can. Since we all have limits to what we define as intimate and levels of intimacy we can accept, one person’s intimate moment may not be the same as the partner. The trick around this is to know and understand the moments of intimacy that our partner loves. There is no reason to be offended when they enjoy intimacy on a different scale to you. It’s what makes them who they are. It’s all about selflessly giving them the moments that they like. After all, at the end of the day, isn’t it about seeing them comfortable and happy being connected to the person they care for? You can’t begin to be intimate without that.