I’m a regular at Panera. Its where I do most of my writing.
One morning a couple of years ago, I’m typing away and notice a group of guys meeting together. The interesting thing about this is the way they were interacting with each other and those around them.
The guys were obviously friends and enjoyed their time together, but every time an attractive woman walked in, each one of them noticed.
They noticed to the point that their conversations stopped for a moment in order to take in the new addition to the scene. While they said nothing to each other about the objects of their glares, they definitely stared.
Men are visual creatures. It’s hard wired.
I’m not disputing this. The issue I have is each one of the guys was wearing a wedding ring and to top it off, at the end of their breakfast, they prayed together.
Not to be too judgmental but it seems to me if you are willing to pray with others in public, you are declaring you have a spiritual basis for your life and your actions.
I can already hear some of you, “Hey, they were just looking, there’s nothing wrong with a little window shopping.”
To which I’ll respond, “Really?”
There’s nothing wrong with the quick glance to notice those around us, but the lingering stare, that’s a different story. The stare may not lead to an affair, but it can lead to mind wandering.
Most men don’t need any help in the mind wandering department.
Our thoughts can go all over the place without any encouragement from visual stimulation. So much so that if we could truly read people’s thoughts, many of us may be locked up.
By ogling other women, we open the door to the “what if…?” thoughts. You begin to wonder about other people beyond your wife. You may begin to wish our spouse looked, dressed, or acted a certain way. You also are spending some of your sexual energy outside of your marriage.
Frankly, women are under enough pressure as it is in the body image department. We don’t need to add to it.
Here’s how this ogling issue may play out.
You’re going through your day and an attractive woman walks by in a revealing outfit. You take good notice and continue on about your day. That night, while interacting with your wife, her picture comes back into your mind. You disconnect from your spouse. The more this happens, the harder it becomes to fully engage again. You begin fantasizing about other women during sex. Your wife will notice the disconnect and most likely think she’s at fault. She’ll personalize the fact that you’re not into her, thus increasing the growing gulf between you.
Soon, your interactions, sexual and otherwise, are just acts. Just going through the motions. While for a time that may be alright – it won’t last. Many of the couples I work with in my practice are coming because their marriage has turned into being roommates rather than spouses and lovers.
So what can you do?
- Be proactive.
Use the deviant skills for good. Rather than positioning yourself in order to get a better look or steal a peek, do the opposite. Make it more difficult to stare. Watch those you are around for cues. When an attractive woman walks in now, I try to watch those around for their reactions rather than watching her. - Bounce your eyes.
Noticing other women is inevitable. Staring and looking her up and down is avoidable. Whenever an attractive woman enters the picture, work on your eyes bouncing from the initial glance to something else. Don’t linger. Engage the people you’re with. Get back to whatever you are working on. Get your eyes back on the road. By bouncing to something else, you can limit the amount of wandering thought ammunition to the brain. - Be a man.
The person on the other end of your stare is a human being. They have hopes and dreams, hurts and disappointments. She’s a daughter of Eve. The manifestation of God’s beauty. She deserves respect. Even if she’s flaunting her body to everyone, she deserves to be respected. On top of that, she is the daughter of someone. If I begin to glare, I think how I would feel were the glare directed at my own daughter. Any man who doesn’t respect my daughter will have to me to answer to. - Rely on a band of brothers.
Surround yourself with like minded men. One of my friends I really respect was great in this area. While playing basketball with him, when every other guy on the court would take notice of the women coming and going from the club, he would walk the other way or turn around. He may have been poked fun of in the beginning, but he was respected by each of the guys there in the end.
This idea is another concept taught in the Blow Up My Marriage Class.
Alright fellas, any other tips that will help?
You know, at first this notion sounded really old-fashioned to me and I was ready to dismiss it as irrelevant, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Why invite trouble?
Problem is that (with help from the media) our society in general is so used to satisfying our urge to take a good long look at whatever is in front of us that we don’t even question whether it’s appropriate, or even consider the notion of ‘just saying no’.
Very thought provoking. I bet this post will generate a lot of reactions.
This neeeds to a topic of conversation for all men and especially those of the faith. To add to what you stated what if your friends would call you out when you begin to stare. What if instead of turning the other direction and not noticing the woman, that we engaged our brothers in conversation about where our eyes are going and what this could reveal about our hearts.
Here is a woman’s perspective for you on this issue. I have witnessed men, on numerous occasions, staring at women in the drugstore, while they are fueling their cars, walking the dog, etc.
I have to admit that before I was married the possibility that my boyfriend would sometimes look at other women while I wasn’t around (especially since we were in a long distance relationship) would bug me. But my insecurities about this issue faded when I rethought the alternative view of the gazing act.
I started to understand more in terms of the innate humanely response to recognize external beauty that fills the world. Because human beings by nature are attracted to the beautiful, the aesthetic. So a prolonged glance doesn’t necessary have to be defined or perceived as ‘lustful,’ but merely a humanely need to fulfill one’s curiosity and recognition of the beauty that exists in the world.
This is an interesting take, as I have to admit I often stare at beautiful women (as well as attractive men) because as you note, the human eye is naturally drawn to what it perceives as beauty. But I think the important distinction is a glance rather than a stare or even a prolonged gaze. I know that as committed as I am to my husband, if I take exceptional notice to an attractive man it does make my mind start to wander somewhat. That’s as human as noticing beauty, but I think our responsibility as rational beings & loving spouses is to minimize the temptation. Not to mention that staring at attractive people of the same sex can make us question our own beauty. It’s a slippery slope either way.
This was a curious article to read, really, because so much of western society is geared towards the whole sexual conquest of women, both in literal terms and metaphysical ones. A woman is judged always for her looks first and if any evaluation comes later it is based on other less important aspects than would be used for a man.
It depresses me how common this is and how much we take it for granted.
Oh man does this one really touch home. My husband has a friend whom he has known since childhood. I abhor their hanging out together for the fact that his friend–who is engaged to his girlfriend of about 2 years–thinks it is a game to pick up on girls while out and see ‘how many numbers he can get.’ While he insists it is for his entertainment (though I think it low and disgusting) I always thought his now fiance would probably not be happy about the behavior, either. Boy was I thrown for a loop when last night I joined my husband, his friend and fiance for dinner and she was sitting there laughing and agreeing that she thought it funny and a game, as well.
I just see that as a sign of very low maturity. Lingering eyes, and even more–lingering words and collection of phone numbers for a man who is ‘supposidly’ devoted to a woman already, just disgusts me beyond belief. How awful is that??
I venture to say the woman in the relationship is laughing on the outside but not on the inside. She may feel that her agreeing with her fiance is the glue that’s keeping them together. I bet it makes her feel less attractive and more needy for attention from her fiance. It’s sad that good women get stuck with low life men who degrade the ones they are supposed to love. But apparently he seems to get away with it, maybe your husband can stand up for you and the other woman and say it’s not cool to do that to your loved one. Just a thought.
When I was in high school, a leader in the youth group at church suggested a quick little prayer…
Thank you Lord for your amazing creation. Please bless this woman with quality relationships where she is well loved and respected as one of your creation. Please protect my mind for the woman you’ve created for me to be in relationship with for my life. Amen.
Twenty-five years later, I’ve modified it a bit to fit today including being a role model for my _very male_ six year old son.
While I understand the motivation behind this article and the advice in it, I think it does a disservice to most men and operates on some slippery slope logic.
Men are not base animals. Men are intelligent human beings who are in control of themselves. I think the premise behind this article fails to recognize that. Just because a man may look at or notice an attractive woman doesn’t mean he’ll begin fantasizing about her while in bed with his wife. For that matter, fantasizing doesn’t mean that the relationship between husband and wife will crumble into distance and resentment.
I trust my husband. I trust that he’s smart enough and evolved enough to be able to notice an attractive woman without the need to remind himself that he’s married and must remain faithful to me. I do understand, however, that infidelity and objectification of women is an issue with some men, but those are issues that should be addressed individually, not used to prescribe actions to all men.
Men are visual and are turned on by things they see. Fine. I’m turned on by well worded compliments. If a man compliments my appearance or my abilities do I have to avert my ears? Do I run the risk, by appreciating the compliment I received, of fantasizing about this man while in my marriage bed? And if I think about the compliment I received later and wish that my husband would say things like that, is that a betrayal? I don’t think that’s the case. My husband is my husband and that man just has good taste.
I know that this example is a little flippant, but the idea that noticing an attractive person leads to problems in marriages seems just as silly to me. I don’t believe for a second that men are so on the cusp of infidelity that they must avert their eyes from any woman other than their wives.
Secure,
You jump from looking to full blown affair pretty quickly there which is not what Corey was suggesting in his post. The entire window shopping experience however is a slippery slope. Very slippery. As Tom suggested, don’t underestimate the sex drive of the average male. In thinking that most men are too intelligent or “evolved” to fall prey to temptation and that window shopping won’t likely turn into fantasizing and then into other paths that Corey indicated or even worse….on-line window shopping. (aka, porn) Think again. It’s a bizzilion dollar industry for a reason and it’s not being supported by a small group of deviants. Very easy to get ensared and this is certainly one of the starting points. Sounds like your sure that your husband is a saint and you are very secure, and I certainly hope so as it’s a great place to be. That being said, don’t begin to think this is silly. It starts small and can grow to be very serious, but it’s never silly.
J,
We may just have to agree to disagree on this one.
I think my biggest problem with this post, as Brian points out below, is that it is a huge generalization. It’s sort of like assuming that all people who drink alcohol are going to have a problem with alcohol. Not all men who notice attractive women are going to spiral out of control and damage their marriages whether through fantasizing and distancing or through porn or infidelity.
I don’t necessarily think my husband is a saint–though he is pretty fantastic–and I am very secure in our relationship. I’m also very protective of him and of our relationship. I very much disagree with any post that tells my husband (or me) that if he notices an attractive woman he is somehow a bad husband or a bad person who needs to be fixed because he did so.
My whole point is that “window shopping” that leads to dysfunction is not so epidemic that generalizations like the ones in this post need to be made.
We may not even disagree, maybe we just misunderstood one another. I was talking about window shopping. Oogling. The kind described in the original post where someone stops, looks, takes a double take, keeps looking to the point where others might even notice the stare and think “what an incosiderate pig, stop it already”.
You and a few others have referenced “gazing or seeing or noticing someone” as in having ones eyes open and being aware of the world around them. I don’t think anyone here has indicated any danger in that. I certainly haven’t, so we agree that there is no harm there.
I’m talking about the explicit act of what was described in the original post. That is dangerous. If you pay close attention next time the situation presents itself you may even notice it happening. It goes on more often than you think.
Hmm… Married Life and Secure Wife – while well intentioned – severely underestimate the sex drive of the average male.
Trust me ladies – when a man’s gaze lingers on a female form, he’s not “recognizing the external beauty that fills the world.”
i have to agree with you, Tom. I think either sex has the capacity for ‘one thing leading to another.’ i also believe if you surround yourself with that type of behavior ie: a bad friend in the social group, somekind of subliminal message is being sent. it’s just common sense. behave yourselves (male or female) if you are in a relationship. people don’t listen to their inner voice enough.
Are you really that sure that you speak for all men, Tom?
I see a big difference between a lingering gaze and oogling (with fantasies and all that entails).
Yes, ‘Window shopping’ is a bad idea if you do not one day intend to purchase the goods… but there is nothing wrong with merely noticing a pretty lady. One only needs to think “Would I have a problem with someone looking at my wife/sister/daughter in this way?”
[quote]Are you really that sure that you speak for all men, Tom?[/quote]
Yes, I am. Any any honest man will say the same.
Pardon my odd code and lack of proofreading
All I have to say is WELL SAID!
hmmm this was a sore topic of mine with my first serious boyfriend…he would oogle women even when I was present very rude.
My husband is not so obvious so I a grateful for that though he does look and take note…never thought of it being something that can be destructive to the relationship but of course you are right. Thanks for shining a light on this issue
Porn addiction doesn’t necessarily start from this “gazing” experience. Actually, as any addiction, it usually evolves from the need to substitute a void in one’s life. If one’s core issue is a sexless marriage or anything else that’s going wrong in their lives then to use beautiful women of the world as mere scapegoats to their deeper issues that need to be resolved is not only unfair, it is also selfish and irresponsible. And one can’t even pin porn addiction to one isolated external factor. Usually a porn addict is exposed to the porn industry early in their adolescence – so again to say that one intelligent man will look at women and (possibly) take to porn is obviously a superficial understanding of what catalyzes a porn addiction.
A man doesn’t have to be a saint to control his impulses, a man needs his desires fulfilled and satisfied, and most of all, he wants to be appreciated. And if he is, I don’t think there is a reason for him to wonder outside the home.
MarriedLife,
You misunderstood and mischaracterized my post. I didn’t indicate that a person would go from ooggling one day to porn subscriptions the next or at all for that matter. Nothing in life is that simple or clean.
Window shopping is often termed “innocent” but can and does lure people down any number of roads, a few of which have been described here. None of them are really that great in the end. Imagine looking at another person and a battle in your head ensues. Two voices, one says “really shouldn’t be going there” “this isn’t right” and the second one says “hey, it’s just a look” “looks are harmless, we’re not doing anything here” “what’s the big deal”. Everyone that has been tempted has heard a dialogue like that before in whatever context they are being tempted in.
Any honest man will tell you he’s heard some of that before in the context of window shopping. If you continue to think that it’s just not possible or likely for that to go anywhere farther, you’ve had a few guys on here suggest otherwise. (and that second voice, his master plan doesn’t stop with a look because in the end, looks are pretty harmless. And harmless isn’t how he rolls.)
Thank you for some good food for thought. While objectification and a visual bias do seem to be somewhat male traits, I think all of your advice can apply to women too. (To the woman above who asked whether thinking back on a compliment from a man was equally problematic, I’d say that yes, it can be — if it is distancing you from your husband. Not the end of the world but it accumulates. For me the biggest warning sign is if I begin to feel a desire to confide in a man other than my husband. To me, that’s a form of betrayal and a suggestion that my marriage is out of step.) On the other hand, I LOVE the Old Spice ads that ask women to compare their husbands to Isaiah Mustafa. It’s so obviously intended to be over-the-top and unattainable that I think it can actually lead us to appreciate our fellas even more — without forcing us to deny that Mustafa is a beauty to behold.
While it’s not something I’m overly concerned about, I appreciate that my husband is the first to avert his eyes when a young hottie walks through the airport or something like that. He has his own reasons, but I feel it’s respectful to me as his wife. I can sense a lack of self control in married men who don’t just look, but ogle.
Thanks for making a huge generalization about men; looking forward to your next post about marriage.
I couldn’t agree anymore with that. This is exactly what is said in holy religious books. That’s why Muslim girls need to wear a scarf and secure her body. The fault is both on Man and also on Woman. Woman shouldn’t wear sexually attractive dress while men keep their eyes. They would say why? it’s just a look.. it’s just window shopping. No, it’s not like that! You explained clearly. People must listen to this post. This is the truth!
Thank you so much! I’ll be a damn loyal reader of you, Corey!
I respect your opinion and advice, but do not agree with some of your viewpoints. I have a great marriage of 17 years and I love to look at attractive ladies. Maybe I don’t “oogle”, but my glances may take a few seconds. Additionally, my wife knows that all I do is look and she playfully points out good looking women to me sometimes when we are walking or the like. However, if your marriage is shaky, most of what you say I believe is valid. If your marriage is strong, my opinion is there is nothing wrong with either spouse visually assessing someone of the opposite sex.
A great post, Corey! I see there are all different comments and viewpoints, but if I can offer up anything to this discussion it is the basic element of respect. It is an issue of respect to your spouse (girlfriend,boyfriend) to think they are the “apple” of YOUR eye! I know for me I feel so honored and respected that I can confidently know my husband doesn’t let his eyes wonder and disrespect me. Call it a security thing, call it what you want, but God intended us all to be respected by our spouses and this is one huge element that has been overlooked for a long time. The same goes for women too, we should be avoiding the stares and comments too – like I said, it is all about respect for your partner. I do not believe it has anything to do with your marriage being strong, good or otherwise. Respect baby, respect.
I don’t feel you over generalized men either, so for those who are offended…..well, if that is what it took to raise the topic, then so be it! Not all men are at fault for sure – but there are plenty that just don’t know any better.
If this were in facebook or contained a like button, I would surely click it. It’s so true; RESPECT BABY, RESPECT!
. Thanks Susan, I am gonna tell my wife to subscribe and read your blog.
You’re right, anyone should be able to make any generalizations they want without fear of reprocussions by downplaying the generalization immediately afterward (i.e. “not all men”).
So here’s the thing:
I agree with everyone so far. This article does, indeed, posit a massive generalization…and massive generalizations are generally untrue, or at the very least, full of gaping holes. However, as much as I’d like to believe we men are all “highly-evolved and self-controlled,” this image is vigorously contradicted by the unflagging success of the sex industry – and by my own, internal battles. You see, I can – and often do – look briefly, respectfully and with all purity upon a beautiful woman…but I am also quite prone (and loathe) to take a much lower road.
I’m a 31-year-old married man, raised in the Baptist church; safe to say I’ve had adequate exposure to lust avoidance measures of every calibre. The biggest problem with these measures is in the method of their creation. That is to say, if I sit down to write an article, paper, book or sermon on the subject, I first pause to think. I consider. I weigh. I employ ration and reason. And then I come to some conclusion: “Well, all you have to do is…blah blah blah!” (usually some variant of “increase your self-control and accountability.”)
But guess what.
When I’m locked in a struggle with temptation, the argument within me is anything but articulate. There is no pause to think. Hoping to be saved by the techniques I’ve heard about in church is like hoping to fight off a mugger using the kung-fu I’ve read about in a martial arts magazine. In fact, trying to reason with one’s own sex drive is sometimes very much like trying to reason with a mugger. A mugger who is half-crazed, crack-addicted, and very insistent.
I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have the answers yet; I struggle as much as any man. But it takes something more than knowledge and practice to overcome (or redirect) such a primal and visceral instinct. Furthermore, I’m not certain this is the kind of battle one finally “wins.” It seems much more likely that it’s a balance that all men must strive to keep – a choice we must continue to make, and teach others to make – for the duration of our lives. A friend once told me, “It’s sobering to think that after twenty years of marriage to this beautiful woman, I could still screw it all up. I could throw it all away in a moment.”
That man realizes what’s at stake. He’s keeping the balance. He’s holding the fort. Playing the man. Perhaps that is where we men have to start. Perhaps it is less about realizing from what we are warned, and far more about realizing who we are as men, and to what we are called. What we have, and what we risk. It’s a dangerous game, but we have what it takes to walk the high road and play it well.
Lust? Ha. Don’t give me that – I’ve got more important things to do…
Thanks Corey for this post, I agree that we all need to keep our minds from wandering. The person doing the looking may not want anything from it but the person on the other end may. She or He may take it as an open invitation to flirt and find an interest in the other person. Let’s face it we are human and everyone likes compliments and attention but it is a slippery slop and can lead to other things. Even the best human being can get caught up in something they weren’t bargaining for. So why not just look away after the first glance you can still appreciate someone’s beauty.
I really apprecieated this post. Especially #4. Nice job, Corey.
Good article Corey.
Would say that some of the comments by MarriedLife and Secure Wife ring true for me… there is definitely something in the idea that “a prolonged glance doesn’t necessary have to be defined or perceived as ‘lustful,’ but merely a humanely need to fulfill one’s curiosity and recognition of the beauty that exists in the world.”
However, the oogling you talked about in your example of Panera seems like more than that…
(Men and women) Look, don’t touch and don’t be a pig. Anything more written on the subject is just folks pontificating and/or posturing. :-/
That may be the best rough summary yet!
After 37 wonderful years of marriage, I confess this is still a daily struggle. A few months ago as I was praying about a solid solution to the wandering eye syndrome, I had a sort of “epiphany” in which I envisioned an assortment of women – the kinds that this discussion focuses on – walking up and down the sidewalks I frequent, and all of them had stamped on their foreheads, “NOT MY WIFE”. When I consciously remember this image, believe me, it does wonders for my thoughts and attentions. Now to make it a permanent habit …
Time is Not The Issue
Matthew 5:28 is probably the most misunderstood verse in the Bible. The issue here is the desire we have to look at the opposite sex with where the line of sin is crossed. Everyone seems to agree that a glance at the opposite sex is okay, but then after that it turns to lust or disrespect. Men will often ask, “How long can I look until it becomes sin?” The solution Cory gives is in line with the thinking that once you look too long, you have crossed the line. So how long can a glance be? Is 1 second too long? Is it 2 seconds? 2.5 seconds? This is a contrived solution and is of the flesh.
The reality is that the length of time you look at a man or woman is irrelevant. You can take in the opposite sex for as long as you’d like and be satisfied. This is NOT what Jesus was warning about. Jesus was talking about EVIL lust, which is death. And there isn’t anyone, Christian or not, who wants to be looked at in this way. But human beings do have a great and natural desire to be looked upon and taken in sexually. God is never out of alignment with reality. We know in our hearts the real truth about this.
A few years ago the Holy Spirit began showing me that I could look at women, and not only could I look, but there was no limit on how long. And if they notice you looking, they will be naturally happy. Just human beings acting like human beings. God isn’t religious–He’s normal.