Editor’s note: This is the beginning of a new series that will run every couple of weeks: Keep It Simple Stupid. Each KISS post will address a simple aspect of marriage to remember or add in order to keep passion alive and well. Enjoy.
Routine and schedule are inevitable in marriage.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of “doing what worked last time” to achieve whatever result you’re hoping for. The problem with this is routine leads to monotony, and monotony leads to becoming roommates in marriage rather than lovers.
The interactions become predictable. Conversations follow a script. So does sex.
To shatter the monotony for a moment, answer me this: When’s the last time you really kissed your spouse?
Not the greeting peck upon arriving home.
Not even the kissing that’s possibly part of foreplay or sex (an interesting note here is that many of the couples I’ve counseled state that part of the issue in their marriage is that even though they may still be sexually active with each other, they stopped kissing each other, even during sex).
What I’m talking about is the kissing like you used to do.
The kissing that is just kissing. No groping her back side or trying to get a hand in her pants or shirt. And no trying this as a segue into sex.
Just a good, long, wet, passionate kiss.
Heads up fellas, I’m coming at you in this post.
When you step up and do this, most women will respond well.
Most women respond to confidence in their man. They also respond to strength. Which is why I’m speaking directly to the fellas. Most women want their man to be the Alpha in the relationship. To pursue them. To engage them.
It will send shock waves deep down inside her, and you. It will allow her to get comfortable in your arms and your presence. And it will likely provide a deeper connection with each other.
Ready? Here’s what you do:
Approach her during one of your normal passing by each other times, or even when interacting with each other during the day. Slide up to her and wrap her in your arms. It’s likely best to tell her what you’d like to do. You can say something like “It’s been a long time since we really kissed. I want to kiss you to 10 seconds, but I have one condition…” She’s pretty much forced to ask what it is. Then you reply with a confident and playful smile, “You have to pretend to like it.”
Then you hold her and go in for the kiss.
One thought is that you follow Hitch’s advice and only go 90% of the way. Her going the remaining 10% engages her in the kiss and keeps her from passively accepting what’s happening.
The other thought is that you simply slide up to her, wrap her in your arms, and kiss her.
It’s up to you.
What you’ll discover is that after 5 or 6 seconds she’ll let you “in” and she’ll become quite passionate about the kiss. Actually, you both will.
It’s very important that you don’t use this for sex in the moment. Even if she’s really interested.
This move is something you use for emotional connection – not sex (at least in the moment, that possibly comes later).
And again, don’t try coping a feel, kiss her.
After the 10 seconds have passed (or longer if you both wish), break the connection and go on about your day. This will plant a lasting connection seed for both of you.
For some variations of this idea: If she’s wearing pants or shorts with pockets in the front, place two fingers in each of her pockets and lock her into the kiss. Or you can place both your hands behind her neck during the kiss. You can even grab her arms and place them around your neck, bringing her up to you during the connection.
The great thing about this move, you can even do this in front of your kids.
Adapted from Athol Kay of Married Man Sex Life
(photo source)
“The great thing about this move, you can even do this in front of your kids.”
And they will probably cringe and squirm. =)
Corey, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, and its been a tremendous help to me as I sort through what marriage means for my upcoming nuptials. Keep up the good work.
Great post Corey! Let’s just say “I have a friend” who realized he’s gone through the entire day without even kissing his wife even once! Like you said, it’s the trap of routine.
Upon that realization, I, er, HE, put into practice what you just mentioned. It’s made a big difference.
I really appreciate the planting a seed concept. It’s hard, especially if she’s willing, to not go for more but this just heightens the future pleasure.
I love Alan’s statement too that this is something you can do in front of the kids. I know when my wife and I hug and kiss, I can see a sense of love in our kid’s faces. Inevitably, it turns into a family hug because our 3 & 5 year old usually want in on the hugging action!
I read this in a book in the Dayton Ohio library about 18 months ago. I gotta tell you, it’s good for me…but it provides very little response the other way. It stings when you put yourself out…and nothing comes back.
Maybe after 20+ years it doesn’t matter anymore…or shouldn’t but it does.
My partner has two kissing modes, for the most part:
1. a short peck on the lips when he arrives these days; and
2. very proactive kissing when we’re having sex
I have two problems related to these
1. When he tries the peck on the lips, I give him a smack and tell him I don’t want any of that marital pecking nonsense but a proper kiss (it usually works!); and
2. During sex, I do have the occasional need to breathe, so those are the kisses I need to dodge a little!
I was married for 15 years until my husband died, and it is fair to say we were extremely emotionally close, but had effectively become roommates over the years. Which is why I focus on keeping the sexual side of my current relationship alive.
My wife would slap me if I gave her more than a peck. She thinks I am the worse kisser in the world.
I long for the days that I will be able to kiss like this again…
My wife and I kiss like this most days (and have been married for 10 years this year). I have to admit to the odd backside grab, but that’s all. And, yes, the two year old often wants in on the action so we usually end up with him in our arms. I think it’s a lovely way to show him now, before he understands otherwise, what love can look like.
Our sex life isn’t great – never has been (we’re actively working on that right now – and it’s getting a lot better, so things can change!) but we have always maintained a physical and emotional connection through kissing and good communication.
Gave it a try last night… WOW! Never expected the reaction I got from my wife… I guess the flame just needs some fuel. You are a smart man Dr. Corey thanks for the challenge. I really cant wait to try that again…
The first few times I tried this it seemed to get a good response. The last time I was told “there’s nothing wrong with a 10 second kiss, but I shouldn’t be forced to kiss you for 10 seconds.” What does that mean?
You know, this is not bad advice, it just assumes that all wives who love their husbands want, “a good, long, wet passionate kiss.” I love my husband very much, and love to receive affection from him, but a big wet kiss is more his idea of perfection, not mine. Maybe after trying this and facing a seemingly reluctant spouse, there could be some sort of communication along the lines of, “Honey, I would really love to show you some affection that doesn’t lead to sex. What would feel nice to you? Can I (rub your back) (play with your hair) (kiss your neck) (give you a big hug)??? Personally, I love to have my neck kissed and to receive a great hug. I know many women who just do not enjoy long kisses, and so when I see posts from guys like Scott above, it makes me wonder if his wife is one of these women who loves her husband a lot, and just doesn’t love long kisses! Scott – maybe try communicating with her to find out what kind of affection would build intimacy that you would both enjoy. Just a thought.
You know, my wife and I could spend hours kissing while we were dating. What is it about marriage that changes passionate (at least apparently passionate) women into no nonsense, passionless people who would rather FB or watch Friends that connect intimately with their husband?
I am extremely supportive and do kid duty, dish duty, and hold up my end of maintaining the household.
Why do these relationships have to turn so bad? I didn’t sign up to be the assistant diaper changer and head dog poop picker upper but that is the facts of a domestic, financial partnership. I don’t really have a lover anymore, just an associate partner.
Great advise. I will visit this site often.