(ok if i share it? with attribution, of course.)

This is really eye opening. Thank you for this inspirational post. You are right this is what has been holding me back.

Sustaining love . . . is not self-centered or other focused.

This is way of reminding us that one kind of craziness is just as bad as the opposite kind of craziness. If we are self-centered, we give little thought to our partner’s well-being and live as though we are in it “just for us.” We act like people users and abusers, taking without thought for what we need to give.

If we are other-focused, we place the entire responsibility for our happiness and well-being in the other. “The other” can be our spouse, but it can also be our kids, our parents, our friends – other-focused people are often self-decribed “people pleasers.” On the surface, being a people pleaser seems like not such a bad thing to be. Underneath, people pleasers spend all their energy adjusting themselves to accommodate whomever they are with at the moment. They are pleasing others because they have not, or will not do the work to discover what will please them.

Either position – self-focused or other-focused – is a way of avoiding being responsibile for self and to others. Oddly enough, both positions wind up using the other person in the relationship. Self-focused people openly use and abuse others to get what they want without regard for the others. People pleasers use others to get a positive sense of self that comes with the approval of being a people pleaser.

Could you please explain : Is not self-centered or other focused ? Those statements seem contradictory. Thanks for a great post!

You’re so right that GENUINE acceptance and respect are so important. Sometimes we deceive ourselves that we accept the other person. When the acceptance real, it a lot easier.