Photo courtesy xxscholar45xx
The animal kingdom is a well-developed social system. Within each species, this system establishes orderly relationships among its members. Also known as a pecking order, this system allows the animals to function efficiently and as a unit when necessary.
When it comes to humans, the same principles apply. This may not be breaking news to you, but marriage is not immune.
Throughout the centuries, men have often lost their way within this system. This is not another attack at the fact that men are sometimes navigationally challenged. It’s a recognition that masculinity is being lost in our society. Men have stopped taking the lead in families and marriage.
Now before you blast me with feminatzi newsletters and slogans, allow me to explain.
Groups of people thrive when a leader is present. While this is contingent on the leader and their ability, having a leader is better than not. Our societies, and more importantly, our marriages, need men to step up and lead.
Most of the women I’ve counseled and talked with say they long for their husband to take the lead in the marriage. This is beyond the old joke of saying I wear the pants in the family, only my wife picks them out for me each day.
It’s time for men to truly step up.
Here’s a few idea to get you started.
- Don’t seek the easy way out of things. Be willing to roll up your sleeves and break a sweat. Whether at work, around the house, or during difficult times with your wife. Sometimes it seems easier to check out. Disappear. Go hang out with the guys, or turn on the TV and disengage for the evening rather than stay in the discussion.
Seek out her point of view and listen with an open mind. Give her your point of view, but don’t beat her over the head with it. Take the lead in marriage by being able to accept your wife’s influence and incorporate it into your thoughts and decisions. Too many men choose to be dominated by their wife in order to avoid conflict. - Provide for your family. This comes naturally for most men as men are often the primary breadwinner. But being a husband and a father is more than earning money. Be present in your wife’s life. Spend time with her on her turf. That doesn’t mean you must go on shopping sprees or even visit the spa, but you do need to seek her out and join her in her world. The same goes for your children.
- Live by example. Each man can say they care for their family, marriage, job, whatever. But do you show it with your actions. A good friend of mine had a policy he shared with his co-workers and assistants at work; any call from his wife or kids was to always be put through to him. Now to be fair, his family knew this as well and didn’t frequently call to go over the grocery list. But he demonstrated that his family was important to him, and his clients respected him more for it in the end.
- Speak up. Next time your wife asks what you think about something, tell her. Now if the question involves does such-and-such make me look fat, use your own discretion. This point is not meant to bring about an argument but speak up when you have a thought on an issue. Many couples seem to think that if there is a difference of opinion, all hell will break loose.
Marriage is not about winning and losing. Discussions are the same. If you feel you need to win when it comes to how you approach topics of discussion with your wife, answer me this: what’s it like being married to a loser? If you always must win, what’s that make her? - Tune into your wife during sex. There are many wives who say that sex in marriage is an obligation. It’s part of the unspoken marriage agreement. The problem with this obligation, the woman may begin to disconnect or tune out her own desires. She may feel she isn’t entitled to pleasure since sex becomes more about pleasing the man.
One thing you can do as a husband is learn how to “take her.†Figure out her pleasure points. Focus on her experience. Learn about her body. Her erotic passions. Her fantasies. Tuning into her will invite her to be more present when you’re together. The goal of having her more present is not a higher quantity of sex, but a higher quality. And who wouldn’t want that?
In what way is this “taking the lead” in marriage? To me, it sounds more like simply not being a passive partner. Are there any of these rules you wouldn’t advise women to do as well? Should women not take calls from their family at work? Should women not tune into their men during sex?
This seems to be unnecessarily gender-specific to me. Can you explain why you’d present it this way?
@Jo- Absolutely women should use these points. The reason for it being written this way is to address the men who prefer to be passive rather than stand up. The theory would be if both sides of the marriage applied this, the marriage would be improved dramatically.
I would like to add something. Men should be the spiritual leader as well. They should lead the family in this area and also take the lead on praying with thier wife.
You are right Corey, women (at least this woman) wants the hub to take the lead.
What say you to women whose hub doesn’t take the lead and won’t be reading this post? Isn’t manipulating them to do it wrong and isn’t suggesting them to do it taking the lead in itself?
I would like to second the motion on #5, Ravish me, baby!!! Er, I mean, um, one should ravish their wife.
Yes.
One should.
Corey,
I know I’m not exactly your typical reader of this blog, but I wanted to point out that this advice applies to lesbian relationships too, perhaps even moreso! My wife and I often fall into the default scripts of being the follower instead of the leader, and we end up with Lesbian Sheep Syndrome; we both stand around waiting for the other one to make the first move.
I’m not saying that partners in same-sex marriages need to adopt stereotypical gender roles. I am saying that one person taking the lead (and it doesn’t always need to be the same person) is a Good Thing. (:
@Laurie- The spiritual leader is a great point. Thanks for adding this. Although everyone may not agree, it is still worth mentioning.
@Hayden- Well stated.
@Pace- All committed relationships have the same dynamics, so your point is well said. Thanks for adding it to the discussion.
I think that lead should be mutual, and thats the only way of success of any relation including marriage. Because your commitment matters than your gender.
Pretty decent tips, and you’re right that no party in the marriage should be the ‘passive one’. Maybe a few more examples on how you’d get this dynamic going in the next article?
@Celina- There will be many times when the leadership changes, alternates, or is together. That’s the nature of relationships as well. Commitment is choice, which is foundational in my book.
@Traveler Jack- We’re heading in that direction.
This is just such great advice how to be a good partner. Lol, I wish this advice didn’t need to exist.
I think that in marriage nowadays, which is probably more true for younger generations, women and men lead in different aspects. I also think that in this changing world, women are learning and/or need to learn to be okay to “wear pants” without feeling like their man is not being a man.
I think it’s a great idea to sit down and determine where each one of you is boss. My husband and I talk about this kind of thing all the time. I’m the money person – we do as I say when it comes to money. He’s a romantic – we do as he says when it comes to love/kids/romance (I know this one is vague, but all I’m refering to is that he truly believes in marriage for life, loving each other for life, and rasing a loving family… I was raised to be a lot more cynical). I’m a worrier – I bring us to reality. He’s more laid back – he is the leader in calming us down. Somehow we balance each other out.
@Laurie–
you wrote: What say you to women whose hub doesn’t take the lead and won’t be reading this post? Isn’t manipulating them to do it wrong and isn’t suggesting them to do it taking the lead in itself?
Since your post came at it from a spiritual perspective, the answer that seems to fit the most is “pray about it.” Without overly spiritualizing it, if you want your husband to take a less passive role and assume the lead from a Biblical perspective, prayer seems the best course of action. I believe God honours that and that it makes an enormous difference.
I agree that manipulation is wrong (sometimes the word ‘manipulation’ in the Bible is translated ‘witchcraft’ — yikes!), but I think stating your desire that your husband take the lead isn’t counterintuitive, either. Expressing your desires in a marriage isn’t “taking the lead,” per se; it’s simply expressing your heart. And if you can’t do that, there are other things that (IMO) need to be addressed before leadership is addressed.
Corey–
I found this article to be extremely timely and very thought-provoking. My husband and I were just discussing this in the last few evenings. Our situation is probably different than most, but as we work to redefine ourselves and our marriage within a healthier context, this is something that has come up pretty consistently. Thank you for it…. excellent thoughts.
@Cori- Thanks for your input. Praying about it is definitely the way to go.
It is not so much that I cannot speak my mind as it is more that I have probably spoken my mind a bit too much in the past. I am really working on being differentiated in my marriage and sometimes am not sure what that looks like in every situation. I don’t want to return to the world of duct taped couple. It wasn’t much fun. Learning a new way of thinking takes a lot of thinking in itself. :O)
@Hayden- Ravishing is good. I’ll go along with that! ;O)
I’m another one who believes in this conversation in context of SHARED leadership – so both men and women being engaged in the relationship and doing all of the things that you mention.
@Laurie – re: your questions about how to start doing things differently and figuring how to not be “duct taped” but also not overwhelm the other:
One way is to take a bit of time to understand each others’ perspectives, how you think, how you interact. Doing a quick personality test and sharing/discussing the results with each other can open the door to better appreciation of each other. A really fast one is here: http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/
Then look up your results on this website: http://www.personalitypage.com/high-level.html
Keep in mind that it won’t all fit completely – but it opens a door for discussion. How do each of you think? http://www.iwasthinking.ca/2008/10/05/are-you-process-or-outcome-oriented/
From that, I’ve learned how to have different kinds of conversations – that appreciate what I need AND what he needs, how we each hear things, and how to find the ways to move forward instead of get mired in old patterns.
You’re right – it’s not easy, but so worthwhile!
a wise man told me one day : ‘marriage is two persons becoming one. the problem is to decide wich one.’
for me, that means we must never forget to listen what the other is not saying.
I agree with Heidi that personality types can really help make sense of marriage issues. And it isn’t only Myers-Briggs, but also Enneagram types. I think they are great for giving new ways to think about challenges in relationships.