Man Up: It’s Just Window Shopping, Right?
I’m sitting at Panera one morning and notice a group of guys meeting together. The interesting thing about this is the way they were interacting with each other and those around them. The guys were obviously friends and enjoyed their time together, but every time an attractive woman walked in, each one of them noticed. They noticed to the point that their conversations stopped for a moment in order to take in the new addition to the scene. While they said nothing to each other about the objects of their glares, they definitely stared.
Men are visual creatures. It’s hard wired. I’m not disputing this. The issue I have is each one of the guys was wearing a wedding ring and to top it off, at the end of their breakfast meeting, they prayed together. Not to come across judgmental but it seems to me if you are willing to pray with others in public, you are declaring you have a spiritual basis for your life and your actions.
Now before you respond with, “hey, they were just looking, there’s nothing wrong with a little window shopping,” let me ask you, really?
While there is nothing wrong with the quick glance to notice those around us, the lingering stare is a path to trouble. While the stare may not lead to an affair, it can lead to a mind wandering.
Most men don’t need any help in the mind wandering department. Our thoughts can go all over the place without any encouragement from visual stimulation. If we could truly read people’s thoughts, many of us may be locked up.
By ogling other women, we open the door to the “what if…?” thoughts. We begin to wonder about other people beyond our wife. We begin to wish our spouse looked, dressed, or acted a certain way. Frankly, women are under enough pressure as it is in the body image department. We don’t need to add to it.
Let’s explore a little down the path ogling other women leads. You’re going through your day and an attractive woman walks by in a revealing outfit. You take good notice and continue on about your day. That night, while interacting with your wife, her picture comes back into your mind. You disconnect from your spouse. The more this happens, the harder it becomes to fully engage again. You begin fantasizing about other women during sex. Your wife will notice the disconnect and most likely think she’s at fault. She’ll personalize the fact that you’re not into her, thus furthering the growing gulf between you. Soon, your interactions, sexual and otherwise, are just acts. A going through the motions. While for a time that may be alright, it won’t last. I see many couples in my practice that are coming because their marriage has turned into being roommates rather than spouses.
So what can you do?
- Be proactive. Use the deviant skills for good. Rather than positioning yourself in order to get a better look or steal a peek, do the opposite. Make it more difficult to stare. Watch those you are around for cues. When an attractive woman walks in now, I watch those around for their reactions rather than watching her.
- Bounce your eyes. Noticing other women is inevitable. Staring and looking her up and down is avoidable. Whenever an attractive woman enters the picture, work on your eyes bouncing from the initial glance to something else. Don’t linger. Engage the people you’re with. Get back to whatever you are working on. Get your eyes back on the road. By bouncing to something else, you can limit the amount of wandering thought ammunition to the brain.
- Be a man. The person on the other end of your stare is a human being. They have hopes and dreams, hurts and disappointments. She’s a daughter of Eve. The manifestation of God’s beauty. She deserves respect. Even if she’s flaunting her body to everyone, she deserves to be respected. On top of that, she is the daughter of someone. If I begin to glare, I think how I would feel were the glare directed at my own daughter. Any man who doesn’t respect my daughter will have to answer to me.
- Rely on a band of brothers. Surround yourself with like minded men. One of my friends I really respect was great in this area. While playing basketball with him, when every other guy on the court would take notice of the women coming and going from the club, he would walk the other way or turn around. He may have been poked fun of in the beginning, but he was respected by each of the guys there in the end.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.14 Responses to “Man Up: It’s Just Window Shopping, Right?”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Trackbacks
-
[...] Marriage Project takes on the issue that has plagued many a married man: the wandering eye. In Man Up: It’s Just Window Shopping, Right? Corey argues that “window shopping” isn’t as harmless as men think it is to a [...]
-
[...] SimpleMarriage writes a semi-controversial article on how window shopping is cheating. I don’t know about window shopping, but I do know that aggressive “window staring” and in-your-face “window drooling” are totally offensive. [...]
Wow, what integrity! This also holds true for women. Women linger too long when looking at men as well. While men are more visual, I believe women see a man and inject all kinds of romantic qualities into him that are more than likely not there. Then women fall in love with him even though he really isn’t real.
I believe women allow the fantasy of that perfect man to get in the way of their relationship with their spouse. It isn’t fair either. The fantasy man is perfect. He knows everything, is trustworthy, strong, gentle, affectionate, all those things that a woman wants. He has the qualities that her hub doesn’t and none of the ones that she wished the hub didn’t have. It is a vortex in that once she allows her thought life to go there, she thinks about the fantasy man during sex. She disconnects from her husband. Sex is then empty. That emptiness then leads to more time thinking about the fantasy man. It doesn’t end until she makes the decision to not go there. It doesn’t end until she allows her husband to be the fallen man he is. Then can she accept her husband as is and love him for who he is, not resenting who he isn’t.
I believe that for women, fighting the idea of the perfect love is difficult. Cinderella had the perfect love, so did Snow White, heck even Barbie had Ken. Where did all these imperfect guys come from? Why can’t they just be the prince women want them to be? And it goes on and on and on…..
Isn’t there a verse in the Bible that talks about controlling your thoughts because they lead to sin and sin leads to death? I tried to find it but I can’t remember where it is.
As far as men looking at women, you guys are walking in a mine field. There are weak women who get a power jolt out of a lingering look from a man. She shouldn’t be a walking peep show. Shame on her.
It is always so tough to pull off what you say in this post. I am happily married and my wife and I are completely secure. We both know that we are humans and to deny this from happening is not realistic. It is a HUGE leap from merely thinking the things you say and actually acting on them.
My wife and I joke about things like this and we try not to stare too long or make too many comments, but we have that relationship that is no way shape or form concerned for the other. We also do our best to stay in great shape so we feel like we take a back seat to nobody.
That being said, you points are all good and valid for most. I really like #4. My friends have the same level of integrity and values that I have and it is important to be able to tell each other the things we are struggling with.
Good post
I couldn’t agree more. Window shopping is a bad habit when looking for clothes, much less at women. Window shopping is all about comparing what you have with what you don’t have, and lusting after what you don’t have. People need to focus on what they have, and not what they don’t have.
I’ve been married 19 years, some of those years quite difficult. You love whom you decide to love, you like what you decide to like, and you are happy with what you decide to be happy with.
Once you’ve lusted after a woman you’ve already committed adultery in your mind. Staring = Lusting. So Staring = Adultery.
Excellent Post! Glad to hear another man admit that we are fallen, but strive for perfection.
I am fully aware that I am about to sound like a crazy woman, but whenever a guy, or guys, do that crap to me – I walk over and confront them. Politely, BUT FIRMLY, I tell them “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop staring at me” and then I look each and every one of them in. the. eyes.
You’d be amazed at how effective that is.
Nature, God, saw fit to strap DDDs to my chest. I went through middle and high school ashamed of my body and horrified that people – men WITH their wives! – would ogle me like I wasn’t an actual person, just a walking pair of boobs. I wore big, baggy clothes and they were all men’s. I walked quickly, with my head down.
There is NO REASON that a 14 year-old should have to feel like something is wrong with her.
I respectfully disagree with the choir up above. “Staring = Adultery?” I don’t think so.
You are praising God by appreciating one of His creations, so go ahead and get an eyeful. If your marriage is so weak that you’re going to dump your wife just because you saw something different, you have some big problems, brother. Strapping on some blinders and burying your head in the sand isn’t going to fix the real issue.
It’s OK to look as long as you’re just looking.
I’m going to have to agree with you, I think these lengthy stares are just asking for trouble. I can’t remember who said this, but I heard a quote one time that said you can’t control birds flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. So I can’t stop noticing all the hot women who are around me pretty much always, but I can keep myself from dwelling on them. Good practical advice, I salute you.
As (formerly) one of the world’s worst at keeping my eyes where they belong, I can say, this is very hard to adhere to.
But I completely agree with those who say don’t do it.
As much as I believe in praising God and appreciating His creation, I don’t think my wife would praise Him along with me for the same reason. Furthermore, I don’t believe any guy can truly just look and admire without having his mind let in the naturally-occurring follow-on thoughts to creep on in. And that’s where the adultery issue hits you.
It’s a slippery slope. And I’ve slid down it way too many times.
So for me, it’s “Just Say No.” If an attractive woman happens to come into view, then as soon as my mind registers that fact my eyes are ordered to be diverted elsewhere. It’s an act of will.
Some great comments thus far. I have many friends who respectfully disagree with this idea. For me, it is a valuable way to show more love and respect for my wife.
My partner started receiving phone calls from a woman who he tried to go out with 8years ago. She chose another man over him. Now me and my partner have been together for the last 8 months and this woman starts phonning. She rang several times every week. But I noticed my partner was not been absolutly clear to this woman. So I hinted to him that she wants to know if he is available. He assured me that he would deal with it and tell her next time that he is not available as partner but available as a friend.
Since then the phone calls stopped (over 2-3wks) until today something unexpectedly happen. My partner had an aptointment with the dentist. He left work around 3:00pm. After that he was going to head down to the apartment where we used to live to pick up some more of our stuff. I had gone 6pm so I called to catch him as I needed him to pick up something specific from the apartment. I rang the phone and no answer. So I sent him a text. Still no answer. By this time it was pushing on to 6:40 so I called once more.
He finally first thing I noticed was the background, he was out somewhere in a bar. I was surprise and embarresed that I interupted something (but I didnt know this) He had to admit that he was in a bar having a drink with a friend. I said (probably sounding upset) oh you should have warned me so that I would not have interupted your meeting. He then replied I didnt tell you because I knew you would get upset. At that point I was not happy with his comment and thought it was unfair. Because if he did not have anything to hide then he could have at least text me to say that he was busy and that there was a change of plan.
Finally he arrived home. I was in the middle of packing to go to the other apartment. I was still feeling hurt by what he had said to me over the phone as this is not the first time an incident like this happened.
Then I explained to him why I was moving by which he appeared very concerned. He explained that he met up with someone and then after several minutes of talking he admited that the person he was out drinking with was in fact this woman. I asked him did he spoke to me was it in the presence of this woman and he said yes.
I reminded him that during one of our chats he said that he would speak to this woman and explain to her about his circumstance. This could have been a phone call. But he said he was in the area at that time when the woman called him (remember I thought she had dissapeard) so he decided to drop everything to go meet her. He said it was an opportunity to tell this woman that he has a girlfriend and that he can only be a friend. I thought there was something strange about this. I started to lose my trust in my partner due to the fact that I felt he was lying some what.
He denied the fact that he was curious about this woman he hadnt seeing for years (most people are curious about people in the past) and that he felt he had to see her in person to tell her to lay off.
I dont believe him now as my instincts tells me that he had actually arranged to finally meet up with this woman especially when she lives near the dentist.
So this is the third occurance, I really dont know what to do as I dont understand why he has to be so secretive if he has nothing to hide. He tells me that he loves me and that all the things that he does is to make me happy like shopping and carrying things etc. He could bring me a wilted flower and that would probably mean more to me than buying materialistic things all the time. Then when there is a conflict he throws these things that he does in my face so to speak!
Trust in a relationship is a big thing. I’m not so sure its stable for us. I noticed things like the way he looks at another woman as if for the very first time. Sometimes I think its best that we seperate because I see future conflict caused by me not trusting him. I really dont know what to do. Our love making is sound and really improving but now I dont know what to think. Is it me he really sees or some other woman.
I feel a part of me has changed I have no more respect for this guy. Unfortunately his parents will be very dissapointed as we get on really well.
What advise can I take now…Is there a way to resolve this situation?
This is a probalem