Man Up/Woman Up: How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex
This is part 2 of Man Up: Money, Sex & Power.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost
If there ever was an area that needed to be more openly discussed among married couples, it’s this one: sex. It is easy to believe that every other couple has no difficulties with the subject. That if you and your spouse are having trouble when it comes to sex, you are the only ones. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Every couple will experience at least some difficulty in the area of sexual connection.
When it comes to sexual connection, there are three categories of couples. The sexually barren, the sexually average, and the blessed few. Membership in these categories has little to do with physical anatomy. To be part of the blessed few requires more of each person mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Couples who fall in the sexually barren category often are not having sex due to reasons other than physical incompatibility. They often have resentment, bitterness, disappointment or all of the above directed towards their partner. While these emotions may manifest themselves in physical ways, the problem is not physical. It’s mental and emotional. If it truly is a physical issue, there are medical procedures and pharmacological products that may be tried. Viva Viagra, need I say more?
The sexually average are also not immune to these difficulties. Although they have most likely had times when they felt a deeper connection they are desperately trying to recapture the experience.
To reach the promised land of the blessed few requires you to be more present not only during sex, but also during life. You must grow up. And so must your spouse.
Anyone beyond the age of puberty is capable of having sex. But this doesn’t mean you’re ready to handle all the components surrounding sex. Truth is, most people aren’t ready for all the components. To do so requires much more than you may think you are capable.
Even if you have been having sex with your partner for years, for me it has been almost 15 years now, isn’t there a part of you that gets a bit anxious when it comes time for sex? Will I be turned down if I initiate? Will everything go great? Will I be able to perform? Will I achieve the connection I have desired for so long?
Sex is so much more than just an act. Sex is a language. When you begin to look at your sexual language, you will discover it is in line with how you live your life. It will uncover the areas of your life where you are insecure, scared, anxious, or even ashamed.
To begin the growth required to be among the blessed few, work to be more present with your spouse. Both during sex and the day to day interactions. Speak up about what’s going on inside your head. Listen to your spouse as they tell you what’s going on in theirs. It’s the fastest way to better sex.
Better sex doesn’t automatically create a better relationship, but the personal growth required to enhance sex and intimacy will improve the marriage in other ways. When you learn ways of maintaining yourself in your marriage you will improve all your relationships as well.
Here are a few ideas on creating a more passionate relationship.
- Let the best in you run your life. If you’re like most people, you have a scared, angry, vindictive, or lazy side that limits the quality of your relationship. You don’t have to let that side of you run your life. Instead, live from the resilient side of you. Remind yourself of what is admirable, competent and good about yourself, and about your partner. Seek to relate to your partner as though they are capable of developing further as a person.
- Sustain eye contact with your partner outside of the bedroom. This is a quick and meaningful (but not easy) way to stay in touch with your spouse. Begin with trying this during your conversations. Beyond this, make an agreement with each other to look into each other’s eyes for at least five minutes in a quiet, private place. This is not a staring contest. Instead, take the time to really look into each other and let yourself be seen. Expect to run into your own resistances. Note them in the back of your mind. Discuss the experience with your partner. In time, this will become a warm and inviting experience.
- Hug until relaxed. This is a fascinating way to get more in touch with your partner and yourself. Prepare yourself by settling down, relax, take a few deep breaths and slow your heart rate. Balance yourself squarely over your own two feet. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax more. When the two of you are ready, open your eyes, without loosing your relaxed balanced position, hug so that you have one foot between your spouse’s feet. Get close enough to easily put your arms around your spouse without feeling off-balance, or pushing or pulling them off-balance. Let yourself relax into the hug and continue to breath. Lots of feelings about your partner, yourself, and your relationship are bound to surface. Note the resistances but don’t give in to them. After the agreed amount of time has passed, break the hug, then discuss the experience with your spouse. In time, you’ll be amazed by the improvements this brings.
- Make eye contact in bed. Building upon the previous two points, try maintaining more eye contact in bed. Start by lying next to each other, and gaze into each other’s eyes as in tip #2. Seek to remain relaxed, focus on your partner and being seen by them. If you feel the urge to touch your partner, touch their face or hold their hand. Stay away from their genitals until you can both reach a relaxed connection with some reliability. You can then expand this activity to include foreplay and intercourse.
- Pay attention to depth of involvement with your spouse during sex. When you and your spouse are actually having sex, you are using one or more of three psychological mindsets. You are focused on 1) physical sensations, 2) playing out sexual fantasies, and/or 3) engaging your partner. Most people seem to focus more on the first two. Instead, focus on engaging your partner during sex. Pay attention to what they seem to be thinking and feeling. Share with them what you are experiencing. Don’t just simply try and bring him or her to orgasm. Try to establish a deeper connection. Once you and your partner are good at engaging each other rather than getting lost in your sensations or playing out sexual scripts, you can work as a team to create terrific sexual experiences.
Sexual compatibility is developed over time. “Curl-your-toes sex” does not just happen by chance. It is co-created by both partners being more involved, not just physically present. When more of you comes forward, it is often greeted by more of your partner. This growth isn’t easy, but it’s the only way to enter into the realm of the blessed few.
Photo courtesy Daniellee385
The preceding list was adapted from Dr. David Schnarch.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.43 Responses to “Man Up/Woman Up: How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex”
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[...] is part 3, if you missed the money or the sex discussion, follow the links provided. Now on to [...]
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[...] Allan from The Simple Marriage Project shares the secret of “How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex.” While this might not be the raunchy, tabloid story you were hoping for; you will find great [...]
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[...] How to Have Curl Your Toes Sex by Corey at The Simple Marriage Project certainly got my attention! He starts off with an amazing quote by Robert Frost, and it only gets better! Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost [...]
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[...] Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. Interested in more on this idea? Go here. [...]
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[...] Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. Interested in more on this idea? Go here. [...]
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[...] Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. Interested in more on this idea? Go here. [...]
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[...] Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. Interested in more on this idea? Go here. [...]
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[...] Man Up/Woman Up: How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex [...]
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[...] How to Have Curl Your Toes Sex – The title got me and that was that. I’ve been following Simple Marriage ever since. It is awesome the way Corey is able to help couples to better understand sex in their relationships. We were interviewed by Corey a couple of weeks ago for a future podcast on Simple Marriage. We’ll let you know when it comes out. [...]
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OK Corey, you didn’t tell them about the eyes open orgasm. (Did I really say that? OMG!)
@ Laurie- You did just say that! I left that one out in order to save for a later post. I also was intentionally leaving some of the process left open for others to fill in. Thanks for adding to the process.
I’ve come a long way! Yeah Baby!
Don’t you think that sexual hotness acts as a barometer of our relationship overall? I mean, when we are connecting and involved in each other, the physical intimacy just naturally flows from that interpersonal intimacy. In our marriage, we have come to recognize the presence of unspoken relationship issues when either of us notices that frequency or the WOW! factor are diminishing.
As a side note- I think one of the great benefits of technology is the ability to connect to our spouse no matter how far away we are. To be able to shoot out an “I love you” email while walking to a meeting or texting a saucy note while waiting at a stoplight is so cool. It is like giving electronic hugs all day long.
Thanks for making this site so practical!
@ Kevin- You’re correct that “sexual hotness” can be a barometer of the relationship. When you view sex as a language, it will tell you how both of you are doing. The key is the willingness to listen to the language and to have the courage to speak up about what you are hearing.
Why does it seem that so many wives have a “headache”. As I listen to many of my friends, the re-ocurring theme is that they really don’t like sex. Why are so many women on that boat? And also, why is that acceptable to their relationship?
Second question: What is the course to take when a hub wants activities that a wife finds degrading and hurtful emotionaly and will get angry with her because she refuses to go there? Why would a guy even persist in asking for hurtful things?
That is the “I’m not gonna get an orgasm so why put out the effort” headache you are talking about there, Laurie. Really, if a woman could count on getting a panting, back-arching, muffle my screams with the pillow so the kids don’t hear orgasm every time she made love with her man, I don’t imagine even a headache would stop her.
Problem is, lots of men won’t learn how to give it to her properly. We often just meet our “need” and roll over to go to sleep. IMHO, we ought to be learning proper oral technique from the pulpit (Just kidding, sort of). I mean, we are not born knowing how to please our woman, it is a very learned skill.
Which brings me to another brief point: Our wives need to drop their self-consciousness and TELL us what works for them and what doesn’t. Yeah, I know it kinda spoils the mood or whatever, but take a longer view and imagine how good it will be for you once he has been taught properly. Trust me on this- WE WANT TO KNOW! (I think Sam Kennison did a bit on this).
Second question on boundaries- this is an especially tough one because of the influence of pornography on our expectations. I can just tell you how we have handled this in our marriage. I, by the way, am the one who will try anything once or twice. My wife is just clueless about such adventures between the sheets.
I decided early in our marriage (21 years ago) that I would not initiate any serious boundary challenging things like swallowing or anal. New positions and settings are no problem, though. We do sometimes talk about out-of-bounds issues in a non-bedroom setting also. It could be conversation about a sexually oriented news story or discussion about sexuality with our older boys. For us, talking about boundaries while “in the moment” is the wrong time. I do, though, let her know that I am always game for anything new she might want to try. End of discussion.
Anyway, the point I am getting at is this: I choose to count my blessings and not dwell upon whatever I might be missing out on just because she is not comfortable doing X or Y to me. I have a woman that never says NO and makes a great effort to initiate sex often. She has learned how to tease and give me good eye candy.
Would I like to stretch our boundaries a little farther? Yep. Am I willing to make her feel uncomfortable or slutty? Never. That is why I let her be the one to stretch us- and she has, a little at a time. In her time. And I make sure to thank her for coming out of her comfort zone for my pleasure.
As for why any man would get mad? He has set up unrealistic expectations, probably based upon what he thinks is normal in OTHER marriages.
What to do about his anger? I think (and I am not a woman, but am just giving you a man’s perspective here) this woman might want to get real introspective about why such things feel degrading to her. Maybe she could try to be a little less sensitive. Ask her man why doing this would mean so much to him. Maybe consider trying to take baby steps toward the least degrading thing. (That sounds yucky, I know). For instance, if he desires oral sex, then figure out how to make an effort toward that. Encourage him to bathe right before. Maybe offer to give him a little trim, so that things are not so tickly for you. Use a flavored condom. Warn him ahead of time that you are experimenting and not to expect any sort of “happy ending” but you just want to play. Thank him for being patient with you. And have a big finish the usual way.
Sorry this became an advice column, but I guess I sensed a little personal hurt in your question.
Hope I haven’t shared too much.
Blessings
I was asking about boundaries for my friend (no, really) mainly because I just am at a loss as to what to tell her. SHe has accommodated him in many ways but what he really wishes is for her to tell him about other lovers she has been with and what they did while they are having sex. He even wanted her to make up an encounter with his boss while they were going for it. Her past is not what she wants to be thinking of while with him.
Me- I’ve come a long way. I use to disengage during sex. I wouldn’t even get totally undressed because it was too much contact. I really had a very, very, very difficult time talking about sex. I have a hard time saying “sex” or “orgasm”. I dind’t feel that I was supposed to be a sexual being. So to tell him what I liked – huh no way. It was a funny thing because the thing I wanted most from sex was intimacy and I couldn’t really give it.
You said that women who aren’t into sex are probably not having orgasms. I think women who aren’t into sex are wanting intimacy and are not getting that. For me, yes, the orgasm is great but it is the connection I crave. I can’t get enough of that. The best sexual encounters are those where I have connected so much it felt like a spiritual thing. The orgasm was a wonderful way to AMEN!
Laurie you are so right about the intimacy being the real reason for sex. I probably should have not skipped over that part- thanks for setting me right! And intimacy is really what we men want, too. It takes most of us a lot of years to realize this, but it is true. For sure, men and women perceive intimacy through different portholes, but it is still what we really crave from our wives. Once we get our definitions straight then intimacy grows. I am in the process of writing about this over at my blog in the “ummmmm Sex” series. Your entries here have reminded me to get the next issue ready for press.
Blessings
Great discussion. @Laurie- The thing I would encourage you to pass along to your friend is to speak up. While in the midst of sex may be too risky at this point, bring it up some other time. Talk about hurts, desires, wishes, concerns. It’s not healthy to expect that the spouse will sense our discomfort with something and then be willing to stop. We must take care of ourselves.
Thanks Corey, I will.
On another sex note, maybe a blog about making sex a spiritual experience. Those are the times that I am overwhelmed with the experience. Those are the times when sex is more than sex, it brings me closer to the hub and to God. It’s not an everytime thing but when it happens, I am changed.
I pray for God to help me make it spiritual, but I just can’t get there. I think it still feels dirty to me in some way.
I must say it took my wife and I some time to explore and figure out what works. I think communication is the key to any success, ESPECIALLY in bed. Talk about your fears, your likes, and most importanly your dislikes!
Oh and Corey… I always look her in the eye!!! (*wink *wink)
Great post.
Outstanding post Corey. I know we have work at have eye opening curl your toes Awesome sex. But we have been practicing and improving things over 28 years. And the best is yet to come. Oops….No pun intended. Great discussion in the comments y’all.
Blessings,
Keeping your eyes open?!?!?
Won’t they pop out? =D
You’re absolutely right about the eye contact (in and out of bed). It’s one of the easiest and surprisingly powerful ways of connecting emotionally with your spouse.
Great discussion here! I am so glad that Corey Huff talked about this site on Facebook. What a joy to find other good humans are who pro-God and pro-Sex! Woo hoo!
To those who want to connect the dots between their sexuality and their spirituality, I say “come on in the water’s fine!” (grin)
I am reminded of something I wrote last summer,”This is where nudity becomes the sacred naked. When each touch, every whispered scream, each sensation is an affirmation and celebration of our alliance, that’s when God’s glory falls all around us, turning our bedroom into a cathedral built for two.”
Sometimes physically is the only way I can connect with my hubby. And it works. As long as I’m on top! But it’s good for him when it’s good for me so he almost always wants me on top. Apparently he likes to watch me, which he does with eyes open. I’m trying to keep mine open but so far it still feels weird.
I’m so confused. Sex use to be amazing but that was going on five years ago. Anymore i just feel numb. I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. I suffered through a really bad separation back then and ever since i’ve felt like sex is a chore and can’t get off so instead i just find myself wondering ‘is he done yet?’ i can’t feel emotion or anything anymore i need to fix this can anyone help me figure out my problem. I find my self relaxed when being held but thats all. Any ideas on how to fix me?
@Cheri- All I could suggest is that you seek out a marriage or sex therapist in order to dig deeper into the issues you describe. Sounds like there is some healing that is undone and is getting in the way of current life. Blessings.
What a great forum of discussion, something I have not heard discussed is the time after sex(orgasm),what I call THE AFTERGLOW this where some real intimacy can and should take place, when you lie very close to your partner and gently caress each other with hands,legs and kisses it can be very rewarding and could make the relationship a another level.
blessings.
@Cheri
I dont know if you still would like some pointers, but i do have a few ideas. Also im not sure if its okay to mention other products here?
Viva Viagra, need I say more? You fail to address the female physical component. I believe you do need to say more.
Viva Viagra, need I say more? Well, the thing you failed to address is a lack of desire, born out of a chemical imbalance.
My husband would rather read online comics & blogs, spend time watching movies with me, doing other “stuff” than get physical or intimate with me. Why? Because his body doesn’t give him the chemical response to say “Need sex now”.
Viagra keeps you hard, it doesn’t get you wanting…
@Trish
Is there is something physically wrong with him, making him not produce chemical responses leading to wanting more sex, or does hi have a really low libido. Unless that is the case its probably something he has learned over the years, something is blocking his natural urges, or they are channelled in some other way.
WOW,what an interesting discussion to happen across.A subject near and dear to most any member of spiecies human.At 51 years of age I am developing what I firmly believe will prove to be the best loving relationship of my lifetime and I am always interested in the topic of intamicy.Funny thing is I am seeing people opening up about the subject and the discussion invariably reveals that the level of intamicy is NOT determined by the sexual aspect,rather the other way around.I would hope many others discover this on their personal journey as it changes one’s point of view toward the entire relationship as a whole.Speaking for myself of course I look forward to a level of communication and intamicy that will bring a rare joy to both of us,in all aspects of the relationship.I would add that we haven’t even come close to exploring the sexual aspect of each other yet,with the connection we are establishing already I certainly am looking forward to the time when that becomes “the right time for making love” athought that NEVER would have occured to the younger version of me.
How can you get your spouse to agree to doing all of this? I have asked my husband to do much of the same steps listed above and I get nothing. We have had many fights about my “needs” and wants, but once again, I hit a wall. Any advise?
You can tell your friend that if her husband is asking for such things like wanting to include other men and conversations about previous partners, chances are he has a serious problem. Sexual addiction. It starts small and grows into something much larger. He probably also watches or looks at porn. She really needs to research the issue. Chances are this is probably what is happening. If your partner suggests swinging, look out. Chances are he will probably find someone who will “meet” this part of the addiction and that can be dangerous for her because of STD’s. People really need to be aware that this problem exists for many men and women.
90% of men are ‘addicted’ to sex. We’re hard wired for it (no pun intended). How you deal with that addiction is different for every man. Ultimately, how you develop as a person determines how you act. If you’ve advanced to the point where your partner’s feelings, wants and needs are important to you, you’re not going to be suggesting things like ‘swinging’ or threesomes because of how that may make your partner feel as well as how such acts will negatively affect your relationship in the long run. It’s true that some men have a stronger libido than others but to call sexual desire an addiction is really just a cop-out for lack of personal growth and understanding, leading to handling those strong urges incorrectly. It actually belittles other men who have the same strong sexual desires but control those thoughts and handle themselves properly. Our chemical balance does affect our desire for sex so, in that way, it can be considered somewhat of an addiction but the reality of it is that most men crave sex very often. The fact is that most men who claim to be addicted to sex are the same men who consider personal development unnecessary or have never even considered it at all. That is where the problem lies. not in the addiction itself