Marriage Biggification: Getting Buck Naked
Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, nobody’s going to go out with ME!
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, but who would? I don’t even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuk skills, bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Pedro: Aren’t you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes… probably the best that I know of.
Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out… and give it to her for like a gift or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s a pretty good idea.
Somewhere along the way, Napoleon Dynamite bought into the idea that to gain friendship, love, and acceptance required the right set of skills. This is often the world’s idea, but it’s untrue.
Especially when it comes to marriage.
Marriage begins with the recognition of the other person. Something draws you to them. Looks. Personality. Stability. Kindness. But this is only the surface.
For the relationship to thrive both of you have to grow deeper.
The “skills” facade will only last a short while. Eventually a spouse will see through the charade to the real you. If you’re lazy at the core, your spouse will see it. This is often the source of fights. Your spouse sees through the charade and points out the real you. It’s tough to have the real you uncovered. That’s the part with imperfections.
Have you thought about this though? The fact that your spouse is willing to point out your charade is really more about pointing out potential improvements in your life and marriage rather than the belittling of your character. Now in the midst of a heated fight, some of these revelations may not be about wanting the best from you, but for the most part, do you honestly think your spouse wants to beat you down? If that’s the case, why are you with that person?
For a passionate marriage, the charades stop.
One problem with designing a passionate marriage is breaking through the charades beyond the routine of life. It’s much easier to get up every day and do the same thing than it is to spend time discovering the core of your life and marriage and take steps to live from there.
The other problem with designing a passionate marriage is…
Many people don’t have the guts to take the risks involved in true marriage design.
It’s easier to believe your spouse will never go for it than to speak up and see what happens. It’s easier to spend time and money on other things to fill the void than take the leap of faith and see what may be on the other side of a routine life.
True marriage design begins by getting buck naked.
This has nothing to do with taking off your clothes, it’s about getting down to the core of yourself. The core of your marriage.
So how is this done? Glad you asked.
Too many people live according to others’ rules and expectations. You grow up, get a job, hope that becomes a good career, retire, then go have coffee with your friends every morning and talk about the good ole days.
Instead of living by others’ expectations, discover and live from your core.
Spend your resources on marriage biggification. To borrow a term from Havi, biggification is the art of putting yourself out there and growing that cool thing you do (or want to do).
When it comes to marriage, are you really out there?
Do you speak up about the life you want to live?
Are you doing things that excite you?
If not, what’s up?
Marriage biggification involves living more from your core. Only then can your marriage possibly experience more passion or adventure.
This is going to involve one of you taking the lead. Doesn’t matter which one of you steps up first; step up!
How much are you investing in your marriage? In your life? Hire a coach. Read a book. Go to a seminar. Go to therapy. One thing passionate marriages have in common is they all did something to help them get there, and keep them there! It’s hard to create big things on your own. Use the resources around you to your marital advantage. Talk to other people living passionate lives to discover what they did. Head to the bookstore. Subscribe to Simple Marriages.
The point is…DO SOMETHING! Life and marriage don’t happen by chance.
Realize, this is not about acquiring the proper skill set in order to create a marriage fully alive, it’s about becoming more fully alive yourself! This comes from unlocking your core. Which in turn gives your spouse the opportunity to do the same.
Want more? Let’s discuss.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.18 Responses to “Marriage Biggification: Getting Buck Naked”
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[...] live this way requires more of you, and your spouse. It starts by getting buck naked. Then spending some time discovering what makes you excited about life and marriage. There are even [...]
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[...] don’t want your spouse to know, that speaks more about your integrity than it does theirs. Live according to your core values. It makes life much more enjoyable for everyone, especially [...]
So, here’s my problem. I really like the ideas presented here (first time on the site). In fact, I like ideas so much that I mostly just think and not act. So your “just do something” comment rings a bell for me. I would be interested in some examples so that it can help me kick start my imaginative idea machine.
Toad has a good point, but I think this is a very personal area and suggestions will never fit 100% of the couples out there.
When we get to the core, we make ourselves vulnerable and, you’re right, few go there. There is nothing greater than giving yourself completely to someone and they accept you. Not just today, but forever. I love your take on this. I would like to explore more of the “how” in making ourselves vulnerable and getting to the core.
realy it was so wounderfull article i like this.
EXACTLY! Wonderful article.
@Toad- Bob is correct in that suggestions would most likely only apply to some, not all couples. I will write more on this in the next post. Hope it helps.
@B. Wilde- Being completely real with another person is risky because if that’s not accepted, that’s a big hit to take. But it is the only way to a passionate marriage. This idea will be explored more in future posts.
Thanks for the input everyone! Keep them coming.
Corey,
Great piece (and good title – you made me look!). I recently read a speech by Calvin Coolidge about the foundation of our country and one line stood out to me: “…the mind of the people was not so much engrossed in how much they knew, or how much they had, as in how they were going to live.” I think we need to take this same approach today. We, as a society, seem to have forgotten that staying married is just as much as choice as getting married. We all need to talk about how we are going to be good spouses for life and you constantly seem to bring up great points.
Keep it up!
This post speaks to me, because I know more than 5 couples who have divorced and they were all in their mid-20s when they did so. I always knew that marraige requires WORK, but get strange looks when I say it out loud. Most people have this idea that marriage and love just happens, that it will be sweet-smelling always and why the hell would we have to WORK on it?
@Cole- Great quote! It is sad that so many of us seem to have forgotten to focus on how we’re going to live rather than letting things happen seemingly by chance. Staying married is work and if couples spent as much time working on their marriage as they did planning the ceremony, my bet is that alone would drop the divorce rate by 5%.
@Fern- Keep speaking up, even with the strange looks you get in return.
I don’t know if you participate in things like this, but I had to be true to my favorite blogs when deciding who to give awards to. Your blog is one of my favorites! Enjoy the award. Check out my blog to get your award.
@Brandy- Thanks for the compliment. It’s so cool to receive awards!
You’ve been tagged! Check out this post for my info:
http://www.jenslovelessons.com/2008/10/ive-been-tagged.html
“Intimacy is not for the faint of heart.” ~ Passionate Marriage
Hey something that people can DO is read the book Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch Ph.D. It’s work to plow through but it’s well worth it. He has a very similar perspective as Cory here.
“Nobody is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage.” ~ Passionate Marriage
By the way… how can I get my picture on here : )
~ John Michael Cannon
Never mind… my picture just appeared… like magic! Cool!
Yeah know, I agree with you on most of your points. Our spouses are supposed to be the one person we can be ‘totally naked’ with and still be comfortable and loved. One problem, that comfort lives where most of us are unwilling to go.
How many folks look at themselves naked metaphorically speaking? Not many. And, when they do get a glimpse of the altogether, there’s a mad dash to hide the most unattractive bits. Am I wrong?
What works, what allows couples to have a passionate marriage, I think, is the ability to like your own quirkiness so you can be compassionate to your spouse. That doing involves curiosity, dedication, kindness and a heaping ration of forgiveness.
@John- Those are 2 of my favorite quotes from Passionate Marriage. Thanks for the comment.
@Dina- You are right on target with looking at our quirks allows you to be compassionate with your spouse. Great point.