Marriage Is All About Growing Up
Post written by Corey Allan. Follow me on Twitter.
In my previous post I started the discussion with my belief that marriage is about growing up. This is the main idea behind Simple Marriage and the only way to experience more in marriage and life.
So what does growing up in marriage actually mean?
Another expression is becoming more emotionally mature. For this post, growing up is not the physical aging of our lives, which happens naturally. The growth I’m writing about is emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual.
Growing up involves balancing two fundamental life forces: the drive for separateness and the drive for togetherness. Separateness propels us to be on our own, to chart our own course in life, and to create our own identity. Togetherness pushes us to be part of a group, to connect with others, and experience things only relationships can provide.
When these two life forces are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, meaningful relationships are created where both members develop into better people.
Giving up your separateness in order to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship in order to maintain your separateness.
Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship. ~ David Schnarch
Since growing up requires a great deal and can often be confused with other ideas, here’s a few important clarifications:
- It’s the ability to maintain a solid sense of self when your partner is away or you’re not currently in a primary love relationship.
- It doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions.
- When people scream “I got to be me!” “I need space!” and “That’s just the way I am!” they are not growing up.
- Growing up is solid but permeable.
- Your personal development is not selfish.
Growing up values contact but doesn’t fall apart when you’re alone.
Growing up means you can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. In other words, you can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in their emotions. You can have your feelings without them having you because they don’t control or define your sense of self.
In fact, just the opposite. When you are afraid you’ll disappear in the relationship you do things in order to avoid your partner’s emotional engulfment. This is different than boundary setting, which is an important aspect of growing up. The difference is boundary setting while growing up is done in the context of staying in the relationship (i.e. in close proximity and restricted space). The process of holding onto yourself in the midst of an important relationship is what creates growth.
When you have solid core beliefs and values, you can adapt and change without losing your identity. You can be influenced by others and adjust to new circumstances as the situations warrant. It is important to realize however, this flexible sense of identity develops slowly over time, requires soul-searching deliberation, and is not simply adapting to the wishes of others.
You can choose to be guided by your partner’s best interests, even at the price of your own agenda. This is often the price of committed relationships. Your partner is a separate individual – just like you. You can reach a point where what they want for themselves is as important to you as what you want for yourself.
As you reach higher levels of growth, your view of conflict in relationships will dramatically shift. “What I want for myself versus what I want for you” shifts to “What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself.”
When you feel you need to talk your partner out of what he or she wants in order for you to get your way, you lose.
No matter how you slice it – marriage presents endless opportunities to grow up. The choice is yours.
Adapted from Schnarch, D. Passionate Marriage.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.21 Responses to “Marriage Is All About Growing Up”
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I believe I am more grown up in some areas than others but the closer I get the freer I feel and the more fulfilled I am in life and with my marriage. I do find the more I work on myself, the less I “need” other people instead of “want” other people. I am better about being still and quiet and alone than I have ever been and am not afraid to try new things and explore life in general. I still need to work on recognizing when I am defaulting to a fused mindset. It is always easier to recognize it in others than in myself. Any hints on recognizing red flags?
Excellent Post…I love learning to grow and better myself. Thanks
I agree with you about growing up, the trick I think lies in growing up without growing apart. Learning to appreciate who your partner is now and looking forward to loving who they are going to grow up into and expecting it rather than burying your head in the sand and thinking your high school or college love is going to be the same person when all the kids start leaving the nest.
The thing about the bury your head in the sand idea, you realize that puts you in perfect position to get your butt kicked? I guess that’s why it’s a better idea to face things on your own two feet.
Lovely post!
Having experienced several relationships, I really resonate with this. I wish I had learned an easier way the importance of standing together AND standing apart in a relationship. At 45, I think I’ve just about managed to get it! In fact I found unhealthy relationships can prevent either or both partners growing up … especially in early years when the dependencies from being parented are still fresh.
Thanks for presenting something that is so right on to where I am right now. #3 Is something my husband is really struggling with, which means our marriage is struggling. I hope he takes the harder step of growing and decides he wants to love in this relationship actively instead of sitting by the sidelines. I do believe strongly that love is a choice, and you have to work hard to to save your marriage.
Last Monday he told me he wanted to file divorce papers immediately, which was heart wrenching. I’m hoping, praying, and reading (“The Divorce Remedy” by Michele Weiner Davis & John Gottman’s fantastic “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”) as well as practicing these new techniques with him so he hopefully will make the choice of working this out with me as opposed to staying “stuck” at this level forever.
I’m going to share this w/the hubbs. 9 times out of 10 he spats out a “that’s just the way I am” when he gets angry. Then I just get frustrated because that’s basically a signal that he doesn’t want to talk about it nor is willing to.
Great points in this one!
Very good post and I am hoping to reference this as I work on my ebook about marriage.
I feel like we threw the baby out with the bath water about marriage when birth control became not such a big issue. It is a legal relationship for the survival of children that we have created a mythology around that can not be supported.
We are like the financial confrontation and the greed issue…we can not really throw the whole thing out but we really need to create new mythology that truly works.
We have not solved the problems of the masses having too many children and still acting like we live in the 1800′s…Now teenage girls are popping out babies like they are M & Ms – ignorance/absent education is truly not working.
Glad your site is here…maybe we should put a link from my blog to this one, with the writing contests about relationships about to be launched.
Excellent advice!
I’ve been married for 25 years and it took me along time to grow up. My wife might say I’m still not done.
Seriously, it is a delicate balance between meeting your own need and the need of another. We’ve always let each other grow in whatever direction we wanted to, but we also discussed and resolved any issues.
I’ve also found that making my wife happy brings me happiness as well.
Great work. It’s my first time on the site. You make some excellent points. Although I’ve only been married 3 years, I feel like how I felt at 23 about marriage, and now at 26, is SUCH a big difference. Keep up the good work.
It is amazing how much you can change in only 2 or 3 years. And with hopefully many more years ahead, things can get even better. Thanks for joining us.
My husband and I have totally “grown up” this year. In January we found out we were pregnant with our first baby, and at the end of February we went to an appointment for an ultrasound where they found no heartbeat. It was one of the most sorrowful events of our lives, but even just a few hours after it occurred my husband looked at me and said “I love you even more now than I did 4 hours ago.” and I said “why?” and his response was “because before this event we knew each other on one level, but to go through sorrow and pain and look at you and know that we will overcome this makes me know I love you more deeply.” and that was totally true. 2009 has been a year of growing for us and I can only say that it is such a good feeling to grow WITH someone. GREAT post.
Nicely stated. Thank you.
Wonderful post, and interesting comments! I married for the first time at age 48. Marriage has taken me to a very different level of growth – far different, actually, than living with someone in a romantic relationship without marriage. Growth in marriage also involves tremendous emotional risk. Not everyone is capable of taking that risk, and not every marriage is safe enough to explore that risk. (The latter marriages fail.) A unique and different core strength and stability has been developing in me since my marriage, and a similar core strength and stability is developing in my husband as well. Rather fascinating, and fascinating to see in others, too!
Growth does involve risk, but often this risk is rewarded. Thanks for sharing your journey. Blessings on the path ahead for both of you.
Corey, I look forward to your emails everyday for their wonderful simplicity and yet the depth is beautiful guaged so that each person finds what they need.
The ‘growing up’ aspect of this particular post has really resonated with me as I flashback to my own marriage. I hadn’t looked at it in that light before, and now having learned much more about myself and my responsibilities see that growing up is indeed a great way to explain it.
I remain curious and open minded about two people growing at the same time and it always working. I’ve found that it can happen when they want it to, and there are some who grow out of their partner because they have grown up and find that the reason they chose to be with their partner no longer has the same hold over them.
What if you are growing up at far different rates? I feel like I’m growing but my wife refuses to!