The approach of Memorial Day this year made me think about some of my friends and family members who have passed away. The pain of their loss may never go away completely, but it has lessened over time.
One of the ways I dealt with the sudden loss of my mother several years ago was by writing a letter to tell her all the heartfelt things I didn’t have a chance to tell her in person. In fact, I wrote for hours that first night, often crying so hard that tears smeared the pages.
I told her how deeply saddened I was that I didn’t have a chance to tell her goodbye and how much I missed her. After a few sessions of cathartic writing, I was able to finally turn to a more joyous topic: how grateful I was to have her for my mother.
Mom taught me many of the important things in life, such as faith, love, family, honesty, respect and responsibility. I started writing vignettes about memories from my childhood and I found a sense of peace as I experienced what I can only describe as a starburst effect.
As I recalled the details of a single, simple family event (such as my 8th-grade graduation) it pointed me to stories about favorite family recipes (such as sour cream chocolate cake) that in turn made me recall summer activities (such as our huge vegetable garden and preparing projects for the county fair). If you envision the sky on the 4th of July, when the fireworks display amazes us with a burst of color and lights followed by another and then another, you’ll see a starburst effect.
Each little story made me think about another one and I began to jot down story ideas in a pretty little spiral-bound writing journal that I carried with me at all times. Every time the cobwebs in my mind cleared enough to reveal a potential topic for future development, I wrote it down in my journal. My hope was to use the snippets of memories to expand into a full story as time allowed.
So what’s the point of this rambling for you?
- If you’ve lost someone dear to you, try writing to them or about them. Enjoy all the old memories you can recall to save for yourself, as well as for your friends and family. As a Personal Historian, I am always excited and pleased to help people save their family stories, whether I write for them or teach them how to write their own.
- Think about the people around you and let them know how much you appreciate them while you still can. Tell them you love them and what you admire about them. Write them a little note to thank them for something, even if it is small. Consider this: if they were suddenly gone from your life, what would you have wanted them to know? Make an effort to show them how much they matter to you.
- Start keeping your own writing journal. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just a simple notebook, tablet or sheaf of paper where you can jot down images that you recall and stories that you can pursue later.
- Years ago, I sent a letter to my great aunt and told her how much I appreciated her seeing me as a young lady when I was a terrible tomboy. My intention was to drive up to see her so we could talk about all the little things she had done for me. Unfortunately, she died before I could make the trip. I was so glad I didn’t put off sending that letter.
- Moral of the story: Don’t wait until it is too late to tell someone how much they mean to you. You never know when you will lose someone dear and you don’t want to regret the omission.
Go ahead, make their day – tell someone you love them.
Better yet, write it down so they can refer to it time and again.
Beth writing to the people we care about in their lifetime is so important. YOu are so right! When a dear friend and colleague passed on, his family found in his desk drawer a bundled set of letters I had sent to him over the years- usually expressing appreciation of one kind or another. I actually have a matched set from him and now that his family has given my letters back to me I have the most precious gift for all time.
Pearl,
That is wonderful that you have your letters both to and from your friend! I recently wrote a personal history for someone and she found a letter written by her deceased husband on the day they got engaged some 50 years ago. It made an awesome addition to the story to show the kids how romantic their dad could be – something they never imagined.
Have you considered writing a story about your relationship with your friend over the years? You could include some of the relevant topics from the letters. I enjoy your writing, so just a thought for something to do in your spare time.
My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately, God blessed the family with the opportunity to gather together just the weekend before.
Be sure you take the time to communicated with loved ones, be it in person, over the phone, or through writings. Spend time with them when you can, even if you don’t feel like it at that moment. Time goes far too fast to waste it. Don’t look down at family reunions, especially when they’re important to family members.
I certainly agree with the advantages of the written word. Not only can they refer to it more than once, but you can get it back as well. I have letters my dad wrote to me when I was small that never cease to make me feel better or bring a smile to my day.
Matthew,
What fortunate timing that your family was able to gather right before your grandfather’s death. My heartfelt prayers to all of you.
Those letters fom your dad must be precious. When Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture) knew he was dying from cancer, he wrote letters for each of his children for them to receive at appropriate ages. I can only imagine how powerful his voice from the past will be.
It appears that your family has learned the importance of relating to each other while they still can. That is an awesome lesson to pass on to others.
That’s a good idea! It makes sense not to wait until its over to say kind words to people. You never know when God is going to call someone home.
So true! One of the things our family has encountered over the last year or so is that someone has a stroke or debilitating illness so they can no longer communicate. It is so sad to know that they want to tell us something, but they can’t make the connection between their minds and their voices. If only we had captured more of their stories while we had the chance.
My hope is to encourage others to act while they can and not have the same regrets. A simple tape recorder or digital recorder can make the process so easy. They can later be incorporated into an actual story or document, if desired.
When we lost a dear family member years ago i had everyone that was close to them write a letter, seal it and we put them all into the casket. No one would ever know what they wrote i told them but themselves and ‘possibly’ our departed loved one. I can’t speak for the anyone else but i poured my heart out with all those things that i somehow could not say before. It does make a major difference ‘getting it out’ and a weight was lifted off my shoulders that day.
That’s a lovely idea that I’d like to see people do for the living as well. There is something very personal and powerful about reading a loved one’s thoughts & feelings about us.